Archives for January 2012

Identity and Destiny: How Labels Affect Your Future

January 30, 2012 by Dr. NerdLove 31 Comments

If you’re a regular reader of this blog, then the odds are you aren’t satisfied with your dating life as it currently stands.

Maybe you keep ending up in the Friend Zone. Or perhaps you have never had a date in your life and you’re afraid that you’re going to die a virgin. The specifics don’t matter; what ultimately matters is that you know that things could be different, but you’re not quite sure how.

Now going through the blog, maybe some of the advice makes sense to you. It agrees with your pre-suppositions about what you should and shouldn’t be doing in your quest to improve your dating life.

Some of it though… some of it may leave you scratching your head. “Really, this doesn’t apply to me. I’d need to be at a higher level than I am to try this. This couldn’t possibly work. This isn’t me.”

So no, maybe it isn’t you. Maybe it conflicts with how you think dating and relationships work. Maybe this makes you uncomfortable. Maybe you want to dismiss it out of hand.
And that’s fair.

Y’see, as much as this may sound like it, this isn’t about my trying to justify my advice to people who don’t agree with me. It’s about change. Sometimes it’s about making a lot of changes, some of them at a fundamental level. One of the things I hear often, especially from guys with low levels of social experience is that I’m either asking too much of them or insisting that they have to change or hide aspects of themselves. As far as they’re concerned, some things are impossible. Others feel that that they shouldn’t have to give up so much of themselves.

So let me ask you – with total sincerity: Being yourself. How’s that working out for you so far?

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Coerced Consent: When “Yes” Really Means “No”.

January 27, 2012 by Dr. NerdLove 115 Comments

Fair warning: today’s topic is a really sensitive one. We’re going to be talking about sex, coercion, ability to give consent, date rape, buyer’s remorse and acceptable and unacceptable behaviors. These are issues that a lot of people have very strong opinions on, and this can lead to some heated words. So let me be absolutely clear here: keep the comments civil. VERY civil. I have no problem with disagreements, especially with me, but I will be stomping down on anything that looks like it’s going to turn into a flame fest.

So with that in mind, let me tell you a story.

A few years ago, during some wilder times, I was hitting the bars with some friends of mine, looking for a night of good times and bad decisions. It was getting towards the end of the night, with about an hour and a half until last call and we were at one of our favorite bars. Things hadn’t been going all that well; we’d been having fun to be sure, but we were four young men out to get laid and it just didn’t seem to be happening that night. We had more or less decided to cut our losses and call it a night when fate decided to throw a curve at us. We got to the bar just in time to watch a young woman have a knock-down-drag-out screaming match with her… boyfriend? Husband? Never did get the exact relationship, but it didn’t matter. Point was: she was done with him and she had a point to prove. As her ex and friends decided to take off and let her cool down, she decided that she was gonna bang the hell out of someone that night. There was just no way she was going to go home alone.

Guess who she decided on?

It was abundantly clear that she’d decided I was her type. She was mine for the taking. It would be the easiest lay I had ever known; it quite literally crawled into my lap and started wiggling. She told me in no uncertain terms that there was a hotel within easy walking distance that she was determined to get there and do all sorts of unspeakable things to me. So I took her hand and left the bar with her.

And before I could find a cab to pour her into, I managed to run into her friends. I handed her over with no small amount of relief and washed my hands of the whole situation.

You see, she was literally stumbling drunk. Could barely walk or string four or five words together, but damned if she she wasn’t determined to fuck someone. She practically tried to crawl down my throat, kept trying to undo my pants right there at the bar, even made a few suggestions that we slip off to the men’s room when nobody was looking. But for all of her very obvious interest and willingness, she was in no state to be able to give consent, and it was a line I just wasn’t willing to cross.

Fortunately, that was a very large and obvious line. There are plenty of times when the line between right and wrong is a lot thinner and a lot harder to see.

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Big Girls Don’t Cry

January 25, 2012 by Dr. NerdLove 38 Comments

Before we get started, I want to lead off with a warning.

Watch what you say in the comments. Now to be sure, I don’t expect to have to do much at all, if anything; my readers for the most part are smart and sensitive people. But the Internet is what it is, and there is always the occasional asshole. If I see anything that I even think is some sort of derogatory crack about fat girls or guys, I’m gonna delete it, and whoever made it is going to have to be really careful if they want to keep posting. So if you disagree or have a differing opinion feel free to express it, but keep the insults and jokes out of it, ‘mkay? Thanks folks.

Now then:

Hi, Dr. Nerdlove! I could really use some advice, if you have a moment.

You see, I’m a geek girl (but not a Geek Girl) who is single, and I have a bit of a problem trying to find gentlemen to date. I’m a pretty decent person, all told, and I’ve been a gamer since I was a little kid. I’m 26 and I’m back in college (after being laid off from a convention job I loved) and I’d like to try getting into the dating scene again.

Thing is, I’m fat. Not ‘chubby’, not ‘voluptuous’; fat. And guys just don’t seem to care if you’re an otherwise decent female who happens to be fat.

I’ve done all the things I’m ‘supposed’ to – join geek social circles, participate and get involved in activities, make friends, etc – but it just never works. I’m tired of hearing “wow, I wish I could meet a nice girl just like you”, and know that I’m not acceptable material because of my weight.

It’s very frustrating and I feel like I really have no hope finding a guy who can accept me for, well, me. Can you give me any advice?

– Shy Girl

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Dating While Nerdy

January 23, 2012 by Dr. NerdLove 17 Comments

There’s been a lot of interest in geek dating lately. TLC recently aired Geek Love, a two-episode special about a speed-dating event at the New York Comic-Con, geek-oriented online dating sites are popping up like crazy and movies love the idea of the geek in love with the popular girl. Geeks and nerds are in a pop-culture ascendency at the moment, and with Valentine’s Day coming up and con season arriving soon afterwards, it’s no small wonder why our geeky brethren are feeling the urge to find relationship and SOON.

The problem, of course, is that many nerds feel that being geeky or nerdy is a hindrance. A deal-breaker even. It’s not terribly surprising; most geeks, especially geek guys, are taught all their lives that they’re going to be a sex-free zone. The popular culture still tends to portray geeks as socially retarded man-children who can’t relate to a woman that doesn’t exist on on the computer screen or in the pages of a comic or magazine, and a lot of us internalize those lessons. It becomes a vicious cycle: the more they believe that they can’t find a relationship because they’re a geek, the more they tend to let their social skills atrophy, which then makes it harder to find the love they want, which is further blamed on their being geeky.

Other geeks will actually romanticize their social misfortunes; being unable to find someone who could look below the nerdy surface and appreciate all the love they have to give makes them a poetic figure, suffering because he or she nobly refuses to lower their standards and accept anything less than exactly what they want. They may want to find love or sex, but the depredations of the cold, cruel world keep it from them. Being alone makes them special and they revel in their pain.

The end result is the same; whether it’s a point of pride or a matter of shame, the geek may inherit the Earth, but they won’t be getting laid in the process.

So, does being a nerd mean that you’re doomed to be forever alone? Can you be a geek and still get some action?

Damn right you can.

It’s time to become the kind of geek that women love.

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Learn From This: Crazy, Stupid, Love

January 20, 2012 by Dr. NerdLove 20 Comments

Crazy, Stupid, Love is a mixed bag; on the one hand, it’s emotionally honest about break-ups and infidelity and a surprisingly accurate portrayal of picking up women. On the other hand, it hits several of my personal pet-peeves when it comes to romantic comedies – the inevitable nod towards sex-negative culture by insisting that men who have lots of sex are really just empty inside, the advocacy of the idea that persistance will inevitably win the heart of the one you love and of course, the grand gesture.

Still, it’s surprisingly good-hearted; Ryan Gosling’s Jacob is an inveterate womanizer, but he’s genuinely a good person. Similarly, Steve Carrell’s Cal is a bit of a sad-sack, but in a realistic, relatable way and Julianne Moore’s Emily isn’t the two-dimensional shrew that other movies would have reduced her to. And of course, it has Emma Stone who I have a not-so-small crush on.

Plus Ryan Gosling is absurdly hot.

Female Gaze, Anyone? — Seriously. It's not even fair.

And whether you want to look at it as a reflection of relationships, break ups or even the art of picking up women, there’s a lot to learn from this.

Spoilers ahoy!

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