• Archives
  • Submit A Dating Question
  • The Secret Origin of Dr. NerdLove
  • Dr. NerdLove Store
  • Dr. NerdLove’s Affiliate Store

Paging Dr. NerdLove

Love, Sex and Dating For The Modern Nerd

Search The Archives

  • Books
  • Podcasts
  • The Grimes Test
  • Ask Dr. NerdLove
  • The Basics
  • Private Coaching
  • Submit A Dating Question

Archives for May 2012

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Sex Is Like Pizza…

May 30, 2012 by Dr. NerdLove 21 Comments

Doctor,

I’m a virgin girl. I’m in a relationship with a boy I love very much and feel ready to take the next step and he is a virgin too. I browse a lot of stuff online (female oriented blogs mind you) and there was a topic of not having sex until marriage. Comments said that they wouldn’t ever marry someone if the sex was “bad” and that no sex until marriage was a bad idea because of this (but it’s not really applying to me). This scares me so, so much. I’m in love with this boy that I am with and DO NOT want to leave him. We just mesh so well together and he is everything I ever wanted in someone. The fact we are both virgins however really scares me now. We are compatible with our likes and stuff but since we are virgins..I can assume the sex won’t be mind blowing at first. Is “bad sex” really the death sentence for a relationship or am I overreacting?  Is there more to it that I don’t know about?

 -scaredandconfused

This is actually a fairly common concern – and not just among women. In fact, this has come up a few times in the comments for Monday’s article.  A lot of people are worried that being “bad at sex” due to inexperience (or worse, being a virgin) will keep them from ever having a successful relationship… or from trying to initiate a relationship at all.

The problem is that you seem to be conflating sexual compatibility – what most people mean when they talk about whether the sex is “bad” or “good” –  for sexual experience. And there’s a rather decided difference between the two.

Sex is a critical part of a romantic relationship. Sexual compatibility is one of the key components of keeping two people together; it’s the fear of being seen as “shallow” or “selfish” that frequently keeps two people together when the sex just isn’t working, whether it’s incompatible sexual needs, mismatched libidos or just plain old fashioned unrealistic expectations – and there doesn’t seem to be any way to fix things, including strategic non-monogamy.

Now to be fair: part of good sex is a matter of skill and practice. However, this doesn’t mean that a virgin is inherently a bad lover or is doomed to bad sex until he or she gets X number of years/partners/experience points under her belt. Nobody is born as a masterful lover, no matter what they may tell you. Everybody starts from the same place –  an absolute beginner – and moves on from there. It’s after that point that we all start to diverge.

Some people get an earlier start than others; they may hit puberty early on, they may discover masturbation at a younger age and get more familiar with how to make themselves feel good, they have their first sexual experience (which includes more than just genital-to-genital contact, thank you very much) with a partner before their peers do. Some people are just more relaxed with their bodies and their sexuality thanks to their upbringing and peer group. Some people come to sex at a later age or take longer to get comfortable with themselves. Others may not discover their sexual identity until much later in life.

All any of this means is that some people have a head start of sorts. Having sex or sexual experience earlier isn’t inherently good – in fact, the less mature (and there’s a decided difference between age and maturity) the people are, the less likely they are to grasp the full implications and responsibilities that come with sex. Coming to your sexual life later isn’t inherently bad either; being a virgin or having little experience sexually isn’t shameful nor is it a sign that there’s something wrong with you.

Sex is more than just “insert tab a into slot b, repeat as needed.” It’s also more than “I need to know X, Y and Z in order to make my lover feel good/orgasm/want to keep having sex with me.” It’s about being aware of your body, being comfortable with it and being familiar with what turns you on and what gets you off. After all, if you don’t know what you want or need, you won’t be able to ask for it.

Yes, I said “ask for it”. Good sex is also about communication. Having good sex – especially when you’re having sex for the first time you have with someone new – means being able to communicate clearly and guide him or her towards what you enjoy and how you enjoy it. Sometimes you’ll both luck into the right combo… but more often than not, you’re going to have to work together to establish the rhythm and flow. If he’s using his tongue but flicking about your clitoris like a lizard isn’t doing the trick, you want to be able to tell him what you need him to do instead. Similarly, if you’re going down on him or her but they need more friction, more suction, more toungue, less teeth, something, they need to be able to tell you as well. Don’t be afraid to (gently) let your partner know what you want them to do differently, and be sure to let him or her know (enthusiastically) what they’re doing right. The better you are able to communicate, the more you’ll both enjoy the experience.

Now, the fact that the two of you are virgins doesn’t mean that the sex is going to be bad. It will be a little awkward, maybe a little weird and uncomfortable, even possibly a bit silly… but that doesn’t mean that it can’t be wonderful either. You haven’t had actual penis-in-vagina action yet, but you don’t say what you have had… whether the two of you have gone down on each other, engaged in some mutual masturbation, tit-fucking, anal play, what-have-you. If you haven’t progressed past making out and some hands-over-the-junk action, I would recommend that you take penetrative sex off the table for a while. Take some time – and by time I mean months – and get used to each other’s bodies. Learn the contours, learn the various tastes and textures and smells; sometimes they can be disconcerting and the last thing either of you wants is to interrupt the moment with a “woah, what is that” face because you encountered something you’re not familiar with. Get used to being naked together, rolling around together and getting off together before you dive straight into penetration. The more familiar and comfortable you are with each other, the better off you will be when you finally do move to the big moment. It won’t be some big mystery full of anxiety and tension; it’ll be the next, natural step in your relationship with your boyfriend.

As a bonus question I know you are neither female nor a doctor but my doctor could not do the finger test because it hurt me so bad. This scares me too that it’ll just cause more trouble sexually…

This actually required some Googling on my part because… well… the phrase “finger test” is somewhat archaic in these parts. In fact, it depends on whether we’re talking about part of a standard pelvic exam by a gynecologist or a check of one’s virginity.

(For the record, the “finger test” for virginity – that is, checking for proof of virginity by examining the presence of the hymen or vaginal laxity- and other virginity tests are actually considered violations of human rights and dignity by Amnesty International.)

So assuming that we’re talking about your standard gynecological exam: well, there could be a number of reasons for this. You may have been incredibly nervous and tense during the exam – rather understandable. You may have a narrow vaginal canal or less laxity in the vaginal muscles than average. You may have physical trauma from an accident. If this was a one-time issue and you’ve been able to insert, say, a tampon (or your fingers or a sex toy) without issue, then it could just be the stress of the moment. If this is a regular issue, then it’s decidedly something to talk to your doctor about – and Dr. NerdLove is emphatically not a real doctor.

But before you start hitting up Doctor Google instead, I’d focus on what your doc said at the time. If she wasn’t concerned about it, then I wouldn’t be concerned either if I were you. I’m willing to bet money that it comes down to: you’re a virgin and exams just aren’t fun under the best of circumstances.

Penetration for the first time can be somewhat uncomfortable; after all, you’re having an unfamiliar object inserted into an area where you haven’t had one before. It’s going to be an odd sensation. If you still have your hymen, it might even be a little painful at first. It’s easy to minimize your discomfort; you want plenty of lubrication (specifically a water-based lubricant like KY or Astroglide, not petroleum jelly, saliva, butter, baby-oil or any other improvised lube… these will damage the condom – you are using condoms –  and can cause irritation) and to take things very slowly and gently.

Good luck.

The Numbers Game (Or PVP: Player vs. Prude)

May 28, 2012 by Dr. NerdLove 68 Comments

I’ve been on vacation for the last couple weeks, enjoying some fun in the sun in the south of France. This, unfortunately, has meant spending a LOT of time in airports and on international flights where the only inflight movie was Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1 – the Breakening.This, in turn meant that it was time for the good Doctor to catch up on some TV viewing.

The last few days, I’ve been marathoning Californication and let me tell you, that much Hank Moody does something weird to your brain.

Of course, I figure there’s a column in this.

Y’see, there was a point when I would’ve considered a character like Hank Moody  – a successful writer, a snappy quipster and, critically, insanely successful with women – to be my role model. Sure, this would require ignoring that he’s a massive fuck-up on just about every level, but when you’re 19 and a virgin and convinced that you’re going to be eligible to run for President before you ever have sex, you’re willing to overlook the small things because dude, you can bang anyone you want.

Even after losing my virginity, I tied far too much of my self-esteem and ego into sex and my ability (or rather, inability) to get girls; if I were able to get laid whenever I wanted well… I wouldn’t be a loser, now would I? The more conquests I could rack up, the cooler I would be, right? Right?

To say that this was a self-destructive cycle is understating things a bit.

Luckily for me, this ultimately lead to my becoming who I am today, but there was a point when all I had been concerned with was sleeping with as many women as possible.

And lots of dudes still are. And if we’re all perfectly honest, I’m willing to bet some of you, dear readers, are interested in that as well.

So let’s talk a little about promiscuity, why guys get so obsessed with the numbers and what it means for men and women.

[Read more…]

Pages: 1 2

Style For Nerds

May 25, 2012 by Dr. NerdLove 46 Comments

One of the more constant struggles when it comes to upgrading your life is the area of clothes. Fashions change so goddamned often that by the time you have a handle of what’s supposed to be “cool”, it’s already become retro and everybody’s moved on to other things.

And let me tell you, the struggle to keep up with fashion leads to some hideous mistakes. Watch a few movies from the 80s and 90s and look at what people thought was cool. How about some giant shoulder pads and unstructured jackets? Maybe a few comedically oversized suits? Ooh, how about Jams? Anyone for a Jams revival?

Anyone? Anyone?

If you want a look that lasts beyond the constant whirlwind of change that is haute couture, you need to quit paying attention to fashion and start trying to develop your style instead.

Y’see, fashion is temporary. It changes with every passing fad.

Style though.

Style is forever. 

Here’s how to develop yours.

[Read more…]

Pages: 1 2

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Hey Jealousy

May 23, 2012 by Dr. NerdLove 39 Comments

Hey Doctor NerdLove, I have an issue that I can’t seem to figure out on my own, can you help me? 

Let me start off by saying that your blog has helped me tremendously, and as a result I now have a beautiful, smart, geeky, and honest girlfriend.  But is is possible to be too honest?  She’s currently doing some moving around the country, seeing family, trying to find a good art college to attend.  We’re trying the long distance thing, which I’ve done before, unsuccessfully but I’m trying to learn from my mistakes, and she’s worth sticking around for.  I’ve spent a lot of time being introspective and listening to this blog and other podcasts on having healthy romantic and sexual relationships.  I’ve tossed around the idea of having sex with other people, her as well, and have come to the conclusion that as long as I remain the romantic relationship, is safe, and she’s honest with me, then she can have sex with other people and I won’t get but hurt.  At least I thought that was the case.

As it turns out, there’s an old flame who she’s now living close to.  She’s explained to me that she can’t ever have a romantic relationship with him again because, well he’s an asshole and not good boyfriend material, but apparently the sex they used to have was other-worldly.  I give her props for being honest and telling me this before hand, because now she’s asking me for a pass to be fuck buddies with this guy. I told her to give me a few days to think it over.  

I’m trying not to let my ego cloud my thoughts with jealousy of this supposed sexual master, or to worry that she’s not being honest when she says it wont turn into anything romantic.  Something is still bothering me about this, and I’m not quite sure which is the best course of action.  Should I give her a pass, should I not?  It seems like she’s doing all the right things by letting me know, but why do I still feel squicked about this?  Is it right to think that this may be a threat to my relationship, and what would be the best way to handle it?

Stressed By The Ex

[Read more…]

Unconventional Attraction

May 21, 2012 by Dr. NerdLove 51 Comments

Dr. NerdLove is on vacation this week. Instead of running a “best of” column or a week of dead air, we have another guest post by frequent commentator, occasional gypsy princess, and friend of the blog – Squirrel. She also hosts her own blog, Crossed Wires as well as provides the occasional sounding board for articles here.  Take it away, Squirrel.

One year at a fairly major convention, I passed by a booth for a company where you could hire “Real Geek Booth Girls.”  The service promised to staff your booth with sexy women who were actual members of the geek community.  What struck me most about this service wasn’t the casual sexism of hiring out “booth babes” or the elitism of advertising themselves as “real geeks.” No, what I found truly interesting was how alike all of the women were.  They were all of similar size, wore similar make-up and hair styles, and were even dressed in nearly identical “sexy geek girl” outfits.

At lunch later that day, I was making jokes about this booth to some friends and made the bold claim that I could start up my own company and make “sexy” booth workers out of just about anyone I knew, including every single person at that table.  From there it devolved into a conversation about sexy librarians and guys in pirate boots, but the basic claim holds true.  Some of the most amazingly sexy people I know aren’t “conventionally” attractive.  They’re too tall, too short, too fat, too skinny, too pale, too much of something to ever be called attractive.  And yet they are sexy and amazing because they discovered something about themselves that they could hang their confidence on.

[Read more…]

Next Page »

About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

Connect With Dr. NerdLove

  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • RSS
  • Twitter
  • YouTube

Categories

Like Us On Facebook

Facebook Pagelike Widget

Become a Dr. NerdLove Patron

Virtual Tip Jar

private coaching is available at doctornerdlove.com/private-coaching

Out Now!

My new dating guide, New Game + is available at Amazon.com , iTunes and everywhere books are sold.

Recent Comments

  • Belinda No, I meant he wanted some time and attention, but only when he wanted it, and then he wanted me to go away. This was a long time ago. I just have no interest in part-time sexual/romantic...

    My Boyfriend’s Kink Turns Me Off. What Do I Do? ·  June 27, 2022

  • fuzzilla Yeah, I agree. If they want tons of your time and energy and get pissed if you date someone else, yet still insist you're just oh so casual and chill? F*** that.

    My Boyfriend’s Kink Turns Me Off. What Do I Do? ·  June 27, 2022

  • Belinda " rare to find a FWB situation where it's all good vibes, everyone is above board, everyone is having a good time, etc.)." I agree. As I said, I can do a hook up or two with someone. But not...

    My Boyfriend’s Kink Turns Me Off. What Do I Do? ·  June 27, 2022

  • fuzzilla I tried to replicate an FWB situation after I moved. Had a date with a guy who seemed cute and fun but kinda flaky. He turned out to be a total a**hole, though (all over me on the date but then was...

    My Boyfriend’s Kink Turns Me Off. What Do I Do? ·  June 27, 2022

  • Belinda "Ideal circumstances are when there's a concrete reason you can't be together " There was a concrete reason. I was about to move. It didn't stop the infatuation. 🙂 And I don't think, whether I moved...

    My Boyfriend’s Kink Turns Me Off. What Do I Do? ·  June 27, 2022

Popular Posts

What Couples Can Learn From Gomez and Morticia AddamsWhat Couples Can Learn From Gomez and Morticia Addams
Socially Awkward Isn’t An ExcuseSocially Awkward Isn’t An Excuse
Nerds and Male PrivilegeNerds and Male Privilege
On Labeling Women “Crazy”On Labeling Women “Crazy”
When Masculinity Fails MenWhen Masculinity Fails Men

Archives

Tags

abusive relationships ask dr. nerdlove attraction be a better man be a better person boundaries break up cheating communication confidence dating Don't Be A Creeper emotional abuse emotional health emotional intelligence flirting level up lifestyle masculinity meeting men Meeting Women mental health online dating podcast podcasts rejection relationship drama relationship maintenance relationships self-confidence self-esteem self-improvement self-limiting beliefs sex sexual compatibility sexuality skills social skills talking to women the friend zone toxic masculinity toxic relationships use your words virginity youtube