Archives for June 2012

Talkin’ Nerdy: Talking About Your Geeky Interests

June 29, 2012 by Dr. NerdLove 69 Comments

I’ve talked a bit about how nerds have an unfortunate tendency to buy into the self-limiting belief that being a nerd is somehow a hinderance to dating.

It’s always struck me as a little odd; generally we like to say that we’re proud to be geeks, but when it comes to talking about the things we’re into… well, geeks tend to get a little on the defensive side. Don’t believe me? Ask a Bronie about his favorite TV show.

Then stand back. They get a little vehement sometimes.

Searching for "Angry Brony" with safe-search off lead to some... interesting... discoveries. — Can’t imagine why…

You can repeat the process with Browncoats, otaku, even table-top gamers – scratch a nerd and you’ll find somebody who’s used to being given a ration of shit for what she or he is into.

It can be hard to want to dip a toe into the dating pool when you’re worried about when the getting-to-know-you conversation will inevitably turn to “So, what are you into?” It can be difficult to meet new people when you feel as though you have to justify your interests every single time you meet someone new.

Small wonder some geeky guys get fetishize geek girls. Why worry about the possibility of being mocked for what you like when you can just stick to your own kind?

But what if it didn’t have to be that way?

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Post Mortem: Used and Abused

June 27, 2012 by Dr. NerdLove 121 Comments

Today we’re doing something a little unusual for Ask Dr. NerdLove: we’re conducting a post-mortem on an ongoing relationship. Part of what makes it unusual is that we’re talking about an abusive marriage. The other part that makes it different is the fact that it’s a man who’s being abused.

You may notice that today’s post involves a lot less snark or the usual quippy-captioned photos. That’s because, frankly, this is an incredibly serious topic and levity would be distracting and, in my opinion, disrespectful.

One of the ugly secrets of abuse is that men suffer from abusive relationships, just as women do. Emotional abuse -whether perpetrated on women or men is incredibly destructive and damaging. However, just as with cases of male sexual assault, men are much less likely to report the abuse for fear of not being taken seriously, or for being mocked or shamed; their masculinity gets called into question and the “hen-pecked husband” is a long-running synonym for being pathetic. It can be incredibly difficult for men to come to terms with the fact that they are being abused and I applaud Tony for being willing to come forward about it.

Before we get started, I want to make something abundantly clear: I will be coming down HARD on any mockery or blame-the-victim bullshit in the comments. Do not push me on this.

Let’s just say my name is Tony and I’ve got a problem. I’m not sure how to start with this so I’m just going to go straight into it. Doc, I feel like I’m in a crazy and abusive type relationship.

You need to trust your instincts. You already know that things are fucked up; this tells me right from the jump that you already know what you want. At this point, you’re looking for outside permission to do what you already know you need to do.

Let me just get the important facts out of the way real quick.

I’m thirty and she is thirty-nine. We have been married for going on ten years now, so it’s not your typical boyfriend girlfriend problems. I have three children total. Two step kids, one eighteen year old son and a twelve year old daughter. I have my own daughter with her that is now four.

Kids make any break up or divorce more difficult and traumatic under the best of circumstances. And this is rather decidedly not the best of circumstances.

I’ve seen the signs for a long time now but I’ve chosen to ignore them in the hopes of “making it work” but even with my ungodly patience (or stupidity) I can only take so much. I have grown, matured and changed a lot since she and I first got together and I’ve had about as much as I can take.

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5 Behaviors That Ruin Relationships

June 25, 2012 by Dr. NerdLove 22 Comments

It’s surprisingly easy to ruin a perfectly good relationship.

You may not be aware that you’re doing it. Hell, you may think that you’re doing everything right to help keep your relationship healthy and strong… so when your significant other sits down across from you at dinner with that look on his or her face – you know the one – it comes as a total surprise.

The problem is that sometimes what helps a relationship survive – and what ends up killing it instead – can be completely counter-intuitive. Some behaviors, especially if you’ve been single for a while or just aren’t used to committed, long-term relationships, may feel absolutely natural to a single person… but they’re poison to relationships. If you want to keep your relationship running strong, you need to know what you may be doing that might be ruining it instead.

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Escape The Friend Zone

June 22, 2012 by Dr. NerdLove 47 Comments

We’ve talked about The Friend Zone before. We’ve talked about what it means. We’ve talked about how you end up in the Friend Zone and how to avoid it.

Now, it’s generally accepted wisdom that women automatically classify guys as either Boyfriend or Just Friends, and never the two shall meet. The idea of guys crossing from “Just Friends” to “Boyfriend” is almost exclusively the domain of bad romantic comedies. People who have actually made the leap are like the Loch Ness Monster – everybody’s heard of it, almost nobody’s seen it and everyone’s pretty sure the people who say they have are lying.

They’re not.

Today we discuss how to escape the Friend Zone.

Now before we get to it, a little background about me. I am intimately familiar with The Friend Zone. I have spent so much time there that I could legally declare it my primary residence and run for political office.

The biggest scandal, of course, was the fact that I mixed Coke and Jamesons'. — Until my past caught up with me, anyway…

The fact of the matter is, I was one of those people who would willingly put himself into The Friend Zone because I was too chicken to make a move and would rather rely on the Platonic Friend Back Door Gambit to try to weasel my way in rather than risk rejection and make a move.

Even when I was starting to improve my approach with women, I could still find myself slipping back into old, bad habits. This took an especially sad (and ironic) turn when I let a case of Oneitis get the better of me and stayed “friends” with an ex in the hopes that I could stick it out long enough for another chance. And this is at a point when I should have known better.

Now years later and decidedly wiser for the experience, I’ve had fewer opportunities to escape the Friend Zone because, frankly, I’ve learned how to stay out of it in the first place. But the process of learning to avoid the Friend Zone also taught me how to escape it. And I have successfully leapt out of the friend zone several times, with old friends/crushes of long standing. The process was long and time consuming… and it decidedly wasn’t easy.

But it can be done. If you are willing to put in the effort. If you know how.

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Failure To Communicate

June 20, 2012 by Dr. NerdLove 15 Comments

Dear Dr. Nerdlove,

There’s a nerd guy in my social circle (we see each other mostly at gatherings that are commenced by a couple of our mutual friends, as well as on a couple of different Internerd platforms through which we follow/friend/circle each other). I’ve been interested in him for several months now. I know he likes me as a person, but I haven’t had any vibes that he reciprocates my romantic feelings. All of our mutual friends have confirmed to me that he is, in general, very socially awkward and that it takes quite a while to get to know him. I did once see him at a party with a girl who he was briefly dating, and he looked very comfortable with her and treated her respectfully, so I know that he’s not completely inept at dealing with women or anything like that.

Months ago, before we actually met in person, I ended an email by saying, “I’d like to meet you. We should grab a drink sometime,” hoping that he’d pick up on that and say sure, but he never acknowledged that I said it. I realize that was a really open-ended way to put it, I could have asked him to do something specific, but again, I hadn’t met him yet, and my real goal was to bring the Internerd connection into the real world. So, you see the frustration I’m dealing with here!

That said, it’s been really difficult for me to gauge whether he’s not into me, or just not the type to make the first move. I’m heeding your advice from the first question in your FAQ, which says that most nerd guys are shy and women need to club them with a clue-by-four. I’ve wielded the clue-by-four in the past with other nerd guys with varying degrees of success, but I’m nervous about doing it this time, because the last time I did it the guy insisted that he just wanted to be friends (and that was particularly painful, because I thought he was the love of my life and just too shy to put the moves on me…and things got ugly and now we’re not even friends anymore).

So now I’m basically waiting for the right moment to say something to this guy, and I’m getting impatient. I drop subtleties here and there, but he doesn’t pick up on them (or perhaps he’s giving me the brush-off…there’s no real way to tell…frustrating!).

So I’m looking for creative solutions. I’m interested in hearing about times you and your nerd-guy readers have been approached (or perhaps clubbed) by women, and what those women said/did that made you feel comfortable and amorous enough to respond positively to her advances. Any tips you can provide on communicating with this nerd, and all adorable nerds in general, is much appreciated!

– Clue By Four

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