Archives for November 2012

The Problem With Neediness (Or: The Anti-Sex Equation)

November 30, 2012 by Dr. NerdLove

There’s a recurring thread I’ve seen lately online, whether it’s in the comments here or in a few of the other forae where I lurk: an increasing sense of desperation for a relationship.

As we’re running headlong into the holiday season, it’s only natural for the singletons amongst us to look around at all of the happy couples with a certain level of bitterness and envy. When you’re single and alone in a season that celebrates relationships and togetherness1 it’s hard not to feel an empty hole in your life that can only be filled with the sort of love that’s only found in coffee commercials.

When did coffee get turned into the Prime Romantic Beverage anyway? — Nothing says “true love” like shitty instant coffee…

But because the strongest force in the universe is irony rather than gravity, it can seem that the harder you strive for finding that special someone, the more it slips away from you. This in turn makes you even more determined to find it… and so the cycle perpetuates itself. As this goes on, you become increasingly bitter and upset, complaining about the “impossible standards” of others while simultaneously trying to meet or exceed those standards because you know that your life will be incomplete until you find that special someone.

The problem is that you’ve fallen into a classic trap: you’ve started becoming desperate and needy.

And neediness is the antithesis of attraction. It is the magic formula to make relationships disappear and drive off potential life-partners. It is the magical formula to make sex disappear.

[Read more…]

and is immediately followed up by the Lover’s Day of Holy Obligation – an equally shitty time to be single [↩]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: It’s Complicated

November 28, 2012 by Dr. NerdLove 7 Comments

Dr. Nerdlove—all I can say is “Help, please!”

I’m a 25-year-old geek girl who just left a very toxic (your tales of your college girlfriend are sort of the story of my life) and very long (10 years, beginning in 10th grade and ending one year after I got my Master’s degree) relationship and I need some help figuring out where to go from here. Getting out of and over the toxic relationship, it turns out, was the easy part (and I’ve felt amazing every day since I left)—the complication comes from the other guy involved. This other guy (let’s call him Rhys—25 y.o.) was my friend before I met my Toxic Ex (28 y.o.)—in fact, I met the TX chatting with him through Rhys’s AIM chat (very popular 10 years ago!) We all remained friends as I dated the TX, even spent some time as roommates and had some threesomes (yes—I know, sexual deep end). Anyway, at some point Rhys backed off from hanging out with us, and I later learned it was because he no longer enjoyed spending time with the TX (and seeing me in such bad sh ape probably didn’t help).

So…down the road a little ways, Rhys joins the army and although I haven’t seen much of him for a few years, I try to meet up with him before he leaves for training and get a hold of him on the day he is leaving a few hours too late to actually see him before he goes. We stay in touch over e-mail, and I regale him with tales of the downward spiral of my life (damn near bought a house not just for me and TX, but his father and father’s gf too, got engaged—“sort of,” all the while extremely unhappy and unsure exactly why). 6 months go by and Rhys is back in town for a week, and I make it a point to go see him without the TX, end up hanging out with him and a few of his friends, getting drunk, and staying until pretty late. At this drunken hang out, I get to hear for the first time how Rhys really feels about me (you’re amazing, you deserve to be happy, you could be doing so much more with your life) and how he really feels about the TX (dead weight bum), I talk to other friends who largely agree and realize I HAVE TO GET OUT—NOW! Toxic relationship over, I decide to go see Rhys before he leaves for his duty station in another country 6,000 miles away. We hang out, have AMAZING sex, I leave, he leaves the country.

Since he’s been gone, we’ve talked via e-mail and g-chat and we agree that we want to be together, but we don’t want this to be a rebound relationship that ends and ends our friendship as well. And, neither of us wants to see any of my old habits from my toxic relationship surface in this one (although, I think the people involved are so different that it won’t be likely to play out that way as long as long as we communicate and make sure to maintain our own independent lives).

Our best solution to that problem right now is to take some time before we decide that we are “committed” (which makes sense since we can’t see each other in person anyway), but I’m so into him that it’s not likely I’ll go out with other guys, and I think he feels the same way about me. Are we just putting off something we want for no good reason? Should we both try to see other people to avoid getting Oneitis and see how we feel when we have an opportunity to see each other again (a little under a year from now)? Any other suggestions for preventing this from being a temporary rebound situation?

Sorry about the lengthy e-mail, but, like I said—“It’s complicated” doesn’t quite cover it!

–Trying to Avoiding the Dreaded “Rebound”

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Paging Dr. NerdLove Episode #15: Falling Out of Love

November 27, 2012 by Dr. NerdLove 31 Comments

This week, Dr. Nerdlove kicks off the holiday season by taking your calls and emails to help get your lovelife sorted out.

One reader wants to know why he seems to only attract unavailable women. Another wants to know whether his girlfriend’s obsession with Facebook and Twitter is a deal breaker or not.

And just how do you fall OUT of love with someone you just can’t forget?

Have a dating issue that you need Dr. NerdLove’s help with? Call (512) 522-6513 to record a question or comment for the podcast.

Don’t miss a single update! Be sure to subscribe to the podcast via iTunes and RSS

Check out this episode

Money, Dating and Women

November 26, 2012 by Dr. NerdLove 597 Comments

Black Friday has just passed us by, Cyber-Monday is upon us and the holiday shopping season kicked it into high gear as we celebrate a season of togetherness, friends and family through the time-honored tradition of conspicuous consumer spending.

It’s a little hard not to think about money when damn near every commercial on TV and email in my inbox is encouraging me to BUY! BUY! BUY!

We live in a culture that’s obsessed with money: who has it, who doesn’t and what having it says about you. We have a split personality when it comes to personal wealth. On the one hand, we still have the remains of the Calvanist idea that the rich are rich because they’re inherently better. On the other hand, we are told over and over again via pop culture that only the poor have The Life Force; the less fortunate are more connected to the things that “really matter” or are more creative or are otherwise just better people because money inherently corrupts.

God the 80s were a weird time. — Also that there’s no force on earth more powerful than a conspicuously multi-ethnic gang of dancers from the wrong side of the tracks.

We simultaneously laud the material goods we buy but also praise ourselves for being less material than everybody else.

Money is so tied up with our self-image, our concept of status and the idea of net-worth as self-worth, that we tend to see it as an end-all, be-all of our lives and put more emphasis on it than it’s actually worth.

I actually get a lot of questions about money – usually from guys who have relatively little and are concerned about what being broke will do to their dating life. Occasionally I get questions from people who have bought into the idea that money is a pre-requisite for dating, or that women will only date guys of a certain income or status level.

So it seems as good a time as any to talk about money and dating.

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Charm Her Parents

November 23, 2012 by Dr. NerdLove 28 Comments

Rerunning this article from last year because a) it’s relevant again, b) many of you are new and haven’t seen it yet and c) Thanksgiving man. I’m in a food coma for the foreseeable future. See y’all with a new one on Monday.

– Dr. NerdLove

The holidays are upon us, and with that it means families and togetherness1. If you’re in a relationship of any length then the holidays also means having to decide just whose family you’ll be spending time with… and with that means running the gauntlet of parental approval.

Awkward... — “…and Lord, forgive our daughter’s bad decisions. Grant her the wisdom to realize she could do better than this doof. OK, let’s eat!”

There’s nothing quite so stomach-clenchingly intimidating for guys as having to meet your significant other’s parents. Regardless of how strong your relationship is with your sweetheart, your relationship with her family can be a deal-breaker. Every long-term relationship means that you’re inevitably going to have to deal with her family. There’s no getting around it.

If you’re going to be spending time with your girl’s family, you’d better learn how to win them over to your side… and quickly.
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