Hey Doc,

I’ve been beating myself up for ages, because like you used to be, I am “The One Who Girls Don’t Like Like That.” I think I’m pretty friendly, and most people don’t seem to be against the idea of spending time with me, but in terms of romance or sex I’m completely dead in the water. I actually have to pretend I have experience in both of those areas to even be able to survive even a simple conversation, since most of them revolve around those exact things. Considering I’ve got a minor autism thingie going on (like so mild that you can’t tell at first, I’m not Forrest Gump or Dustin Hoffman in “Rain Man”), I’ve gotten very good at “bullshitting,” where I essentially craft a backstory about myself that is so radically different from what I really am. Essentially, I’m just a likable Jewish kid from New Jersey who’s saving himself for marriage (because pretending you’ve gotten laid repeatedly is annoying, and I’ve been found out more than once. The whole religion thing works bett er since I’m Jewish and not many people know much about Jews), who personally dislikes the taste of alcohol and drugs (seriously, pretending to be religious is a godsend for the socially awkward) and what not. I’m not quite as distressed about this as I used to be, since I’ve got a way better mental image of myself than I used to, considering that in high school I was convinced that I was obese and wanted to kill myself. But that’s old news, and I’m better than that. And I’m only 17, so I’d assume that most people would laugh me off and say “Oh don’t worry, you got time, kid.” 

The problem this creates is that even if people believe that I’m an abstinence nut, albeit one that seems strangely fine with other people having sex, it still doesn’t explain my complete ineptitude with the opposite sex. As a platonic friend I’m tops, because I’m nonthreatening, very sweet towards women, blah blah blah. This bothered me in high school, but I’m not so mad about it now. Point is, even a guy pretending to be a religious nut can have a girlfriend. And I don’t, nor have I ever had one. I won’t go down the “forever alone” line of complaints, but I’ll admit that I’ve considered that I might be like that. 

Back to the platonic friend crap. I don’t mind it so much anymore since I’ve left high school, and the only female friends I have now are ones that I am not sexually interested in (beautiful women, to be fair, but it’s almost an unspoken agreement that we don’t like each other like that). 

A new problem I think I might have is that it’s a possibility that I might be more attractive than I thought and some women may have liked me after all, and that I either didn’t know or, when I found out, lost interest completely. I’m suspecting more and more that I’m only attracted to women who don’t like me back, on purpose. The second they express interest, I lost interest. It’s as if I need all that pain and heartbreak of the friend zone to even want to bone her, much less be in a mutual romantic relationship with her. And that’s bad, much worse than my initial “I’m really ugly” belief. Even now I know that I’m not better than average appearance, which I can live with, but if this theory of mine is true, then I am royally screwed.

Case in point: I casually start talking to this girl online (not even for romantic reasons, or on one of THOSE sites). When I eventually see a picture of her she took for me, holding a sign with my name on it (Glides, not my real name), I notice that she is HOT. Not even cute or adorable like most of the women I encounter, but so attractive that I’m shocked that she’s still talking to me. She knows what I look like too, I’m not one of those insecure morons who gets a picture of some “Magic Mike” looking guy online and pretends to be that. We keep talking, and I eventually admit that I’ve got feelings for her, and amazingly enough, she apparently feels the same way. So what, she lives in California or something, so it would be great if she lived where I do, but too bad. The problem is, the second I hear it from her, suddenly all of that mad attraction I was feeling just went away. This is not the first time this has happened, I think. 

So essentially, to sum it all up, I’m just wondering if you’ve ever heard about anything like this before, and what could possibly be done. I hope you appreciate how cheery I’ve been about all this. 

Glides

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