Love, Sex and Dating For The Modern Nerd
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
I’m grateful for each and every single one of my readers. I couldn’t do it without you.
There won’t be a column tomorrow… but if you’re in line for Black Friday sales ((WHY?!?) then might I suggest that it’s a great time to browse through the archives and see some of what you may have missed?
See you on Monday!
– Doc
Dear Doctor NerdLove,
I need some advice, um obviously. It’s like this. I have recently started dating again, for the first time in two years. And I’ve so far gone the route of internet dating.
I met a man for a first date the other day (actually my first date in two years) and we had a connection which led to some making out and me staying at his, no sex though. I tried to be clear about not wanting to be in a relationship again right now and about talking to other guys on OKC, but he kept pushing me. Wanting me to say that I wouldn’t meet the other guys or that I would only have sex with him if we had sex, and that we would have sex. The weird thing is that I am pretty inexperienced, 4 partners total, and so it is really unlikely that I’m going to just go out and have a bunch of sex with anyone right away. I guess looking back there was a lot of weird boundary pushing after getting back to his place.
So before we left the pub I agreed to a second date. And then all the stuff in the above paragraph happened and I felt like maybe I didn’t want a second date after all. He kept bringing up sex and it turns out he’s kinky, which is 100% fine, but I’m not kinky, like at all, and it just seemed like the more we talked about that the more I realized we were not at all compatible. But I still didn’t back out of the second date.
To be honest I didn’t feel like I could say no to a second date in person because I felt like there would be a lot of push back. And boy was there. He called me that day and texted me a couple of times trying to set up another date that night, but I had already told him, when we were trying to arrange the first date that I had a lot of work, which is true, so I couldn’t squeeze it in anyway.
When I finally just told him I wasn’t up for a second date anymore I got a lot of questions texted back to me. I know I should have told him right away, but I guess I kept thinking that I was changing my mind too fast, that I wasn’t giving him a fair chance. But I can’t invent compatibility so I did tell him about 24 hours after the end of our first date that I couldn’t go out again.
So my question is really this: what do I do about these texts? The first one asks why I changed my mind, the second one asks what if it wasn’t a date and the third one says that he’s not really that surprised, that I was very clear about “wanting to meet others.” I haven’t responded to any of these messages because I don’t think he’s going to listen no matter what I say. So is that the right thing to do or was there something I should have said? And at what point should I have known that I didn’t want to see him again? I mean I don’t think I’ll go back to someone’s place again, but should I not kiss them either? I feel like it might have been the making out that made him attach himself to me so fast.
Anyway, any advice you have would be great.
Thanks,
Re-Dating
Considering that we live in a post Sex And The City world, where vibrator sales are the new Tupperware parties and women are more empowered than ever to pursue their own sexual pleasure, it’s tempting to think that men and women have finally leveled the playing field when it comes to casual sex. Women are increasingly feeling just as free to go out and find themselves a no-strings attached hook-up (which isn’t as easy as many men like to say it is…) and wondering when leaving her underwear behind is worth trying to just get out the door without waking him up.
Except as it turns out… well, frankly, there’re some questions as to whether or not the sex is actually worth it.
A pair of recently published studies highlight that there is something of a pleasure-gap between men and women when it comes to casual sex. One study from the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University (which may be the only scientific study to cite Katy Perry’s “TGIF”) found that while 82% of men surveyed had a positive emotional reaction after a hook-up, only 53% of women did. Concurrently, women, it found, were only half as likely to orgasm during a casual hook-up as they would be in a committed relationship. Meanwhile, a similar study from New York University found that only 40% of women had orgasms during a hook-up as opposed to 82% of men.1
If you’re interested in casual sex or one-night stands, this should be of concern to you. After all, part of what makes a woman more likely to consider a casual hook up is whether the sex will be worth it… there’s nothing quite like a bad hook-up to put anybody off happy naked stranger time for months.
Fortunately, I have the secrets to being the greatest lover that your prospective hook-up has ever known. Seriously.
And the amazing thing is: it’s not what you might think.
Over the years if there’s one thing that I’ve learned (much to my friends’ sorrow) is that one can find lessons in just about everything, no matter how seemingly disconnected. My man-crush on Jax Teller from Sons of Anarchy? Boom: inspiration. Doctor Who? Here’s why you should be following Captain Jack, not Mystery.
Even after devoting 2500+ words to the Jonathan Martin/Richie Incognito harassment debacle, I realized that there are some important takeaways.
Paging Dr. NerdLove: We use every part of the news-cycle buffalo.
So stick with me here for a second. I know I promised we were going to get back to the dating advice after a couple of issues-heavy posts; trust me, this will all make sense in a moment.
You see, one of the things that comes up when we bring up the subject of “traditional” masculinity is the way that men are socialized to be out-of-touch with their emotions. Even now, when it’s presumably more accepted for men to be more sensitive and more emotionally aware, we still have to wrap the idea of “feels” up in a “but MANLY” way. Thus we get the joking-but-not-really “manly tears” over something sad. Men are still taught that they have to be tough… and part of that toughness means – oddly enough – being overly concerned with how others perceive that toughness. After all, you wouldn’t want the Gender Police to take away your man card for admitting to having your fee-fees hurt, would you?
Except… that’s not “tough”; that’s craving validation of your supposed masculinity from others. Real toughness comes from not giving a damn about what others think about you.
Case in point: Jonathan Martin1 . By all accounts, he’s quiet and a little withdrawn… a solid guy on the field but not A WARRIOR who BREAKS THE OTHER TEAM and PLAYS THROUGH THE PAIN NO MATTER WHAT. And yet he just proved that he’s tougher than a 320 lb ginger sack of rampaging anger-management issues because he came forward, admitted he was having a problem and went out to get the help he needed, ignoring the jeers and insults of his teammates and their weekend-warrior Twitter followers.
And in that moment, Martin proved a critical point: one of the key components to improving your life is to embrace being vulnerable.
Hey Doc,
You may of covered a lot of what I have to ask before, but here it goes.
I have a really close friend, that i’m crazy about. I’ve asked her out in he past but that was at a time that she just wasn’t looking for a relationship (she is very commitment-phobic)
Recently I have talked to her about me and her getting together. She said that she wouldn’t want to risk the friendship. I personally agree, only because we haven’t had much experience in the dating game (I’ve just turned 23, never had a girlfriend, but have had 1 night stands which I regret as they make me feel guilty. She is 22, has had 1 boyfriend in the past and doesn’t sleep around)
Now here is my problem. I think there could be a chance that we could work in the future (after failed relationships) I’m not to sure what she thinks/feels (she isn’t that open) Trouble is, I find it harder and harder to be a good friend, right now, knowing that I still have strong feelings for her. I have found myself getting jealous for no reason on nights out with her, and I have also neglected looking for another female to flirt with as I have only wanted to speak to her. Will this friendship I have with her sabotage potential relationships? Or is it still possible to stay friends with her and “get over her” for good?
A little about myself so you know what kind of guy i am. I have a nasty habit of falling into the Friend Zone. I’m a little shy but over the years I have built confidence by doing stand up and talking to women, I’m still not great and closing (hense the single status) I can be rather picky, and a bit of a hopeless romantic. I’m sensitive about my height (i’m only 5.2) which makes me look a lot younger than I am and has also led me to hate the word “cute”
I think I am quite an average looker. I walk a lot to keep the weight down. Over the last few months I have started going to the gym a lot to look better.
Like I said, I’m not sure if you may of covered this before, but I’m hoping you can give me some advice.
Planning The Great Escape
