Archives for December 2013

The Trouble With Online Dating

December 30, 2013 by Dr. NerdLove

I’m going to tell you something that you already know: dating is a frustrating process of trial and error. For a lot of people, it’s a seemingly never-ending dance of missed connections, nights you’ll never get back again and wondering just what’s wrong with you and why everybody else seems to have it so much easier.

Even for people like me who enjoy the whole dance and the chase and the thrill of the new, there will be points when you really just want to take a step back from it for a while and catch your breath and let your ego recover from the beatings that tend to come with it.

"Hey man, i want to get laid as badly as you do, but do you think maybe we could spend a night NOT getting rejected over and over again?" — “Hey man, i want to get laid as badly as you do, but do you think maybe we could spend a night NOT getting rejected over and over again?”

Online dating is often touted as the solution to dating frustration. Screen your dates in advance! You only have to deal with people who meet your standards! Take all the time you need to craft the perfect dating message!

Of course, in practice… it’s a different story. In fact, for many people, online dating is such a trial that they give up early on. But just as when you’re trying to meet your future snugglebunny the old-fashioned way1, it’s important to understand the potential headaches that come with those marathon OKCupid sessions. Many of the things that drive people away from online dating can be headed off at the pass with some preparation.

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via arranged marriage! None more traditional! [↩]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Wait For It…

December 27, 2013 by Dr. NerdLove 307 Comments

Doctor’s Note: It’s an all Ask Dr. NerdLove week as I’m traveling for the holidays. Regular columns will be resuming on Monday.

Doc,

I moved to a new city about six months ago to start a great new job and to be closer to my college buds. I had an awesome job right out of college but in an inconvenient location, which probably cost me my ex girlfriend due to long distance.

Anyways, starting anew in my new city, having been single for about a year, I was ready to find a new girlfriend that met all my qualifications (very smart, successful, and attractive obviously). It didn’t take me long to find someone who met all my standards and liked me(!!!). She’s very cute, has an awesome/prestigious job and went to the same elite school as me (we never met in college). We went on a few dates and it was clear that we were both into each other, so we started a relationship.

Now, a few months into the relationship, I’m realizing that she is very inexperienced with relationships and the bedroom. She was a bit of a late-bloomer and came into her own only recently. She may still be recovering from previous insecurities. We haven’t had sex yet even though I’ve made my desire to known. She has been coy about her sexual experience, but has said that she isn’t a virgin. I think this aspect is draining on my patience with our relationship and it is definitely leaking over into our otherwise, exceptional compatibility. Little things like suggestions on how to do things come off as condescending and annoying now.

Making things even worse, my roommates are both single and enjoying a more casual dating life with great success. That isn’t necessarily what I’m looking for (I enjoy a more intimate experience than the casual bang even though that’s what I would settle for before my recent relationship), but I am not going to lie to myself and say that sex isn’t important to me and my overall quality of life.

Did I jump in too quick?

If I eventually find that it isn’t going to work out anymore, should I pull a Paul Simon and “get off the bus, Gus, drop off the key, Lee” and get myself free? How do I do that? I’ve been in many relationships before and usually it ends mutually or I’m the one that gets broken up with.

Your advice would be much appreciated.

– Easy Z

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: A Nerd In Jock’s Clothing

December 25, 2013 by Dr. NerdLove 52 Comments

Hey Doc, I have an image problem, though that might be a huge understatement.

Let me explain: inwardly, I’m your stereotypical nerd. I talk about Asian cinema and French New Wave with the kind of enthusiasm most people reserve for their children, I have an almost encyclopedic knowledge of the Marvel Universe, and I’ve logged in way too many hours on the Mass Effect trilogy than I care to admit.

In my day-to-day life, I’m soft-spoken and decidedly introverted. I’m also six and a half feet tall, completely bald, and my arms are heavily-tattooed (though they are easily covered by a long-sleeve shirt). I’m also a competitive power lifter. In other words, I’m friggin’ huge.

I struggled with body image issues from my early teens to well into my twenties. I was ridiculed for being effete in the locker room, and I felt like a cave troll in more intellectual social circles. During my undergraduate years, I was diagnosed with Body Dysmorphic Disorder – which, after a great deal of cognitive behavior therapy, I now realized caused me to stumble into a number of toxic relationships, the last one ending about two years ago.

For the first time in my life, I can finally say that I’m comfortable being in my own skin. I’ve learned to embrace all of the disparate parts about me. Problem is, is that I seem to be attracting the same kind of women I dated before I got better.

Before I go any further, let me say that I live in a fairly conservative, small-to-medium sized city in the south eastern United States. Home is far from Deliverance, but it’s also not running over with open-minded, cultured people either. The women down here that are physically attracted to me tend to like traditional, hyper-masculine men, which appearances aside, I am decidedly not. They also do not share any of my intellectual pursuits or creative passions. When I do find someone that I’m intellectually compatible with, there just seems to be a lack of chemistry (at least on their side).

I tend to dress fairly conservative – partly because of work, mostly because men’s big and tall fashion, though it has made leaps and bounds since I was in high school, falls to either one of two sides: decidedly bland, or incredibly tacky. I tend to accent my wardrobe with things that illustrate my more nerdy/bookish personae, like my Elvis Costello style glasses, or in the winter, my Dr. Who scarf. I’m also working on being less stiff in my body language and to be more approachable and outwardly expressive (It’s an on-going process), but I get the same results.

I’ve read your articles on selecting an archetype as well, but there is a dearth of examples out there that fit both my personality and body type.

So what do you say, Doc? Care to help a brother out?

300 Pound Woody Allen [Read more…]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Tale As Old As Time

December 23, 2013 by Dr. NerdLove 27 Comments

Doctor’s Note: I’m going to be traveling for the holidays this week. Rather than leave you guys hanging, this week I’ll be running Ask Dr. NerdLove questions instead of the usual programming. We’ll be back to the regularly scheduled programming next Monday. Have a happy solstice, a joyous yule, a happy Kwanza, a satisfying Drink-My-Urine Day, Merry Christmas and a thoroughly debauched Saturnalia. – DNL

Hi Dr. Nerdlove! I love your work and could definitely use some advice. I’m a girl and I have this guy friend who I’ve known for about three years now. We’ve always been flirty with each other but it never really amounted to anything; at the end of the day, we were just two nerds who hung out mostly to play video games. Thats probably how it always starts, eh?

Well this year something has happened between us and I have no idea where it came from. Maybe it was his whole “self-improvement plan” where each month he would ask friends for suggestions on his personality and then go about working on them that month. He’s become a much better friend and takes a lot better care of himself now, so maybe that has something to do with it. Regardless, when I came back from summer break (we’re both in college) we started hanging out as usual and suddenly there was an intense chemistry between us. We went from not even hugging to say goodbye to being extremely touchy. I’m not a touchy person at all, but we’d end up pretty snuggly on the couch any time he came over- even with other friends with us.

Everyone jokes about how we’re “such a cute couple” because we playfully fight (which obviously can get pretty physical as well), but then we both start denying it because everyone makes so much fun of us. We’ve always been friends so people think its funny to joke about it because they don’t know anything has changed, thus it gets embarrassing when they hassle us. Plus he is well-known for his “type” because he’s a short guy that goes for all these model-esque women, yet I’m his height. There’s all these other factors to his “type” too that I don’t really fit, one especially being that he doesn’t go for other nerds. And yet today he said “Let’s take a couple picture!” after laying down next to me on the floor, then stroked my hair and did all this other couple-y stuff. (Also, no, there was no good reason for me to lay on the floor. A bunch of us were just bored at a Christmas party, so we laid down on the floor and started doing barrel rolls. College kids.)

I know at this point that I definitely have some feelings for him, but I’m completely confused by him. He’s been on a few dates with another girl recently and I don’t know where that leaves us. Every time I think he’s gonna make a move its actually for someone else. I’m debating whether he goes out with the other girls to make me jealous or if its because they meet his self-professed “type”. I also am a kind of a “tough girl” so I can come across as intimidating, but he knows me better than that and is aware its just sort of a front to keep the jerks and creeps at bay. One thing I’m sure of is that he’s definitely feeling the same chemistry I am. I sat down with him the other day and told him I didn’t want him to be so touchy if he wasn’t planning on asking me on a date any time soon and he apologized, said he noticed it, and promised to work on it. However that only lasted a few days and then it went back to flirting and physical contact. It actually got worse, I’d say.

I don’t want to lose my friend over this but I have a feeling thats where its heading if I don’t do something. Its gonna start making me crazy if I have to spend my time with him trying to figure out what I’m supposed to do. Its starting to feel very childish or “high school” I guess, if that makes sense, and I’m not about that. But if I’m as impossible to read as all my friends say I am, I’m worried he’s just scared I’ll turn him down when thats not the case.

I don’t know. I’m done with words. Help is appreciated.
Dazed and confused

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How To Be Charming

December 20, 2013 by Dr. NerdLove 230 Comments

Whenever I think of charismatic people, I can’t help but think of my friend Bert.

Bert is a working actor in Hollywood and easily one of the most magnetic individuals I’ve ever met. He’s a larger than life person – literally, the man’s a goddamn giant – who has the gift of making everyone who meets him feel as though they’ve known him all their lives. Within minutes of being introduced to him, you’ll find yourself swapping life stories like you were best friends and he leaves you walking away feeling as though you just met one of the coolest people in the room. He networks the way other people breathe and glides through social situations with such ease that it’s hard to believe until you see it in person.

He simply has it, that instant, infectious charm that pulls us in and makes us want to like him and leaves us hanging on his every word. When you see him leaving women goggle-eyed and panting after a few minutes of simple conversation, you’re left wondering how the hell you could bottle that and sell it on the black market.

"You'll never be shut down again with new Hypnosol from Torchwood Industries! Talk other people into anything! Now available in mint and cinnamon flavors!" — “You’ll never be shut down again with Dr. Harper’s new Hypnosol! Talk other people into anything, no matter how depraved! Now available in mint and cinnamon flavors!”

But the thing is: charm isn’t a binary process. It’s not something that either you have or you don’t. In fact, once you understand what makes people so charming, you can learn and practice it for yourself.

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