Archives for January 2014

Nerds and Male Privilege: Sexual Harassment and Nerd Culture

January 31, 2014 by Dr. NerdLove 251 Comments

Occasionally, it feels like the comics and video game industries have a competition to demonstrate which group can be more hostile and unfriendly towards the women who want to participate in them. It’s like a particularly fucked up game of Texas Grope ‘Em; comics has the little blind with Joe Peacock’s comments about fake geek girls, video games make the big blind with Aris Bakhtanians¹ and then comics raises the stakes by turning Starfire from a strong character with nuanced views on open relationships and body modesty (or a 12 year old girl who drinks mustard and believes in the power of friendship) into a hyper-violent sex beast with the memory of a goldfish. Next, games tries to buy the pot with Penny Arcade’s dickwolves AND the backlash against Anita Sarkeesian and then comics feels like it’s going to get lucky on the river and ups the ante with the story of Tess Fowler’s harassment by a prominent comic book author.

Texas Grope 'Em: bringing new horror to "he's got the nuts". — “Problem is, bitches don’t have a sense of humor, man.”

So of course, the games industry goes all in with the story of a female game developer who ends up being sexually harassed by a journalist. Naturally, people recognized this as being unacceptable behavior and were quietly supportive of the game dev and looked at how to break down the toxic culture that makes sexual harassment and mistreatment of women so disturbingly common in male-dominated industries.

No, I’m totally fucking with you. The comments sections turned into the customary shit show, with guys flinging their poop around like bored chimpanzees after a long night of Taco Bell and Sriracha, with the usual rounds of victim blaming, concern-trolling and the traditional cry of “get over it”.

Now, the story in and of itself is over; the harasser in question, Josh Mattingly, has delivered a long and very public apology on his blog and acknowledges that what he did was reprehensible. So I don’t want to beat on him. What I do want to talk about are the people who continue to not get what the big fucking deal was. Because, just like with the Tess Fowler story, this isn’t terribly unusual; as with the comics industry, every friend I have who works in games has a similar story, not just about harassment, but about the shitstorm that inevitably follows whenever they mention it.

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AKA Dirtbag Hagrid [↩]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Say Yes

January 29, 2014 by Dr. NerdLove 77 Comments

Hi Doc,

It’s hard finding some solid advice on the internet- but I really enjoy the articles on the website and think they’re pretty sound.

My own dilemma, if you’d be so kind and lend me an eye or two:

I’ve recently been out on some dates with an old classmate. When gushing about our time together with some good guy friends, they all full heartedly approve. Which is great. I’ve not had them all so unanimously and genuinely excited for me about my past prospects before.

However- though this guy is great, I seem to be losing my mind. I know I have some deep personal emotional issues to address on my own (I didn’t have the nicest upbringing- a lot of my childhood was characterized by neglect, abuse and depression resulting in a particularly low self esteem)- but I’ve been really set on targeting these areas and working on learning how to love myself, learning how to be self sufficient (as opposed to codependent). It’s been tough, but I’ve improved VASTLY. But mostly, I don’t want to dump my emotional problems on him. These are my issues I know I need to maneuver through on my own.

But despite my efforts, in the back of my head, when I’m with this guy, I always feel self conscious. Although he expresses interest to continue dating and we’ve already made plans for future dates, I always feel as though one day he’s going to run into someone ‘better’ and completely bail on me. Which has been a pattern in my dating history. “He’s such a handsome and well rounded man, why would he want to be with someone like me?” is a constant thought. Intellectually, I know some answers- emotionally, I feel otherwise.

Furthermore, I feel as if our last date (we went out to dinner) was a bit stunted by these insecurities- I didn’t feel completely there and then consequently, that he was perceiving this as a lack of connection.That we just weren’t GETTING each other. I felt as though everyone in the restaurant was staring at us- mostly at me- and judging us (mostly me)- like “Such a handsome young man. Why is he with her?”

( I’ve not thought to include this, but I thought it may give SOME insight. maybe? but we are also an interracial couple. He’s Irish and I’m half black/half puerto rican. I’m fair- but not as fair as he hahaha)

I know a lot of this may be a product of my difficulty of being able to trust- but how do I learn to relax and trust him? He seems completely worth it and just a great, genuine, caring guy- my solution was to learn how to be better friends with him. For me, establishing friendship helps (I mean, most of my friends are guys. I just assume friendship works better because I feel much more free and without reserve- and especially without so many insecurities). But how does one go about doing that when we already see one another romantically? Do you think I’m even going about this well- or do you see other areas of what I’ve described here to look into?

Going into something that may potentially lead to a long term relationship, honestly, is what I’ve wanted for a very long time, but now I just feel so vulnerable and unsure of what I’m doing- whether we’re moving at an appropriate pace……sometimes- I even doubt my own feelings- aghh!

See, I’m losing my mind! So of course, any and all advice is welcome- and needed haha.

Thanks!

– Lost In My Own Head

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How To Hack OKCupid

January 27, 2014 by Dr. NerdLove 413 Comments

One of the more popular news stories being shared around the web this week has been the story of how Chris McKinlay, a mathematics PhD candidate “hacked” OKCupid in order to find love. Naturally, this inspired both wonder – OMG, nerds can break the code and get laid! – and misaimed anger by people who seem to believe that McKinlay was doing something fiendish and underhanded, a digital pick-up artist who dehumanized women by trying to reduce seduction into numbers and becoming an online Svengali.

"MissUTexas_1985, you will be powerless before my 1337 hacking 5killz!" — “MissUTexas_1985, you shall kneel before z0d_rUlez!”

The truth however, was much more prosaic. McKinlay did what many nerds have done before: he attempted to solve a problem by taking his strengths – research, coding and statistical sampling – and applying them to the task at hand. Rather than finding some ruthless exploit in the human psyche that was somehow vulnerable to math, he was, put simply, attempting to moneyball online dating.

Of course, McKinlay is hardly the first person to attempt to make the system work for him… or even to apply it successfully. Amy Webb, a digital strategist with Webbmedia Group employed a similar strategy of data mining, mathematical analysis and matchmaking algorithms to solve her own love issues.

And you can do it as well. You may not be a brilliant mathematician able to write custom code to seek out your perfect – or near perfect – match… but you can definitely crack the code and make OKCupid dance to your tune, giving you more success in online dating than you’ve ever had before.

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5 Simple Ways To Jumpstart Your Life

January 24, 2014 by Dr. NerdLove 35 Comments

One of the hardest things about self-improvement, especially when you’re trying to fix your dating life, is feeling like you’re getting nowhere. Now to be fair, change takes time and more often than not, you’re trying to overcome the habits of a lifetime… but that’s cold comfort when you can see that new life waiting for you just out of reach and you can’t wait to begin it.

"Oh God, I can almost touch it! Samantha Mathis, I'm coming!" — “Oh God, I can almost touch it! Samantha Mathis wait for me, I’m almost there!”

Fortunately for you, I have five simple ways to help you jumpstart your new life, improve your game and turn you into the dating maestro that you’ve always wished you could be.

Now, as you read this you may notice that very little of the advice has anything to do with, y’know. Dating. And there’s a reason for that. You see, getting better at dating is a holistic activity; if you want to fix the problems in your dating life, you have to fix the problems in your entire life. That’s where these tips come in: these are the seemingly innocuous ways that you sabotage yourself, trip yourself up and slow yourself down. Taking the time to address these issues will give your life the boost it needs so you can pursue your dreams.

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: D-I-V-O-R-C-E-D

January 22, 2014 by Dr. NerdLove 29 Comments

Dear Doctor NerdLove,

I am currently in the process of ending a 4-year relationship that has been a marriage for the past year. I am confident in my decision to end the marriage; we have been drifting apart, the sex is rare and uninteresting, we have fundamentally different interests and values, we have different attitudes towards our careers, and I feel she’s holding me back in terms of my attempts to eat healthier, exercise more and improve myself (I ask her to help me eat better, she buys two tubs of ice cream; etc.).

Perhaps most importantly, where I used to care for her in the past I only feel cold emptiness and an urgent desire to get away. I don’t love her anymore, she’s been feeling unfulfilled and alone, and we should both be looking for people we work better with.

That said, in my country, there are legal issues with divorce – namely, I need to wait 12 months after our separation before the divorce can be finalized and I can be officially not-married again (there are no kids, cars, houses, etc – we are both still mostly-jobless students). That seems like a long time. Once she has moved out and I am a de facto bachelor again, I am worried about how to interact with women I may be interest in in the next 12 months. What is the proper etiquette? A one-night-stand doesn’t need to know, I assume, but what about dates I meet online? What about women I meet more than once? When should I tell someone I’m into that I’m still legally married and waiting for the divorce to be granted next year?

Or should I just sit down and prepare myself for 12 months of celibacy? Is that the right thing to do? I’m really confused and unsure of what I should be doing with my life.

Thanks for your time, and any advice you can give me.

Sincerely,

Recently Separated

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