Archives for February 2014

Leveling Up: How To Get Women To Approach You

February 28, 2014 by Dr. NerdLove 292 Comments

Despite the fact that approach is actually one of the least important parts of dating, it usually remains one of the most terrifying for many men. Lots of guys, especially guys who are shy, suffer from approach anxiety, or who are socially inexperienced, dread approaching women the way I dread the hooded figures from the the dog park1 or the giant spider-like things that shuffle out of the Underdark when it’s 3 AM and I haven’t been sleeping and also I’ve taken a heroic dose of Mescaline.

Many men wish that women would make things easier by being willing to take the initiative themselves. But, despite social progress and the ardent wishes of many, many men, the accepted cultural narrative places the onus on men to make the first move. And in fairness, there are women who simply prefer men to be the aggressor and won’t be the one to approach them. But there are also plenty of women who can and do approach guys… provided he’s the right guy.

You could be that guy… as long as you know the secrets to making women come to you.

On Monday I talked a lot about the reasons why women don’t approach men, and the social and cultural barriers that discourage women from making the first move. There is a great deal of social programming that warns women against being “that girl” – the pushy, clingy or “desperate” guy-chaser who drives men away, and there are many men who react badly to women who are “too forward”. You may not be one of them… but she has no way of knowing that. So if you want women to approach you, you have to understand how to make women feel comfortable enough to make the first move.

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Don’t go to the dog park. The dog park will not harm you [↩]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Heal After An Abusive Relationship?

February 26, 2014 by Dr. NerdLove 89 Comments

Doc, I need your advice

I am a man of trans experience in my thirties who is recently out of a polyamorous, long-term relationship. That relationship overlapped with my social and medical transition. It was my first poly relationship. I learned how to do consent well in it (sadly, through some big mistakes), came to terms with my bisexuality & kink, learned communication skills, etc. It was also fraught with tension: she felt invisible as a queer femme coupled with a man, struggled with my physical changes, we had different views on poly, and, I’m coming to realize, she engaged in what I would label “verbal abuse” if it happened to a friend of mine. I grew up in an emotionally abusive family and, surprise, repeated a lot of those cycles here.

I’m doing the things I need to for recovery: finding friends who treat me well, therapy, staying active, not contacting her. I’ve quit alcohol entirely, and I’m committed to avoiding Serious Dating for another year while I date myself, basically.

Here’s the thing, though, I’m grappling with a lot of guilt over the mistakes I made in that relationship, guilt over feeling like I may want a monogamous relationship (I “should” be able to do poly! Monogamy = evidence of my misogyny!), as well as anxiety that I can ever know when it’s a good time for me to start dating again. I know waiting until I’m “perfect” is a recipe for disaster, but I’ve dipped my toes into casual dates and found incredible anxiety accompanies it–I’m waiting for my date to insult me, or to rebuff physical advances even when they’ve been clearly agreed upon, or when she’s flirting & touching me. Throw into that the step of disclosure (which I haven’t done yet on any casual dates) and I’m left both really wanting a warm, intimate, relationship, and terrified I can’t do/won’t find/don’t deserve one.

Any advice?

Anxious & Guilty

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Why Women Don’t Approach

February 24, 2014 by Dr. NerdLove 980 Comments

One of the most recurring complaints that I hear from men, both here and in my columns at Kotaku, is that women don’t approach enough. Many, many guys, especially ones who are more socially inexperienced or who deal with acute approach anxiety, regularly lament the fact that men are expected to do all the hard work when it comes to trying to start a relationship and wish women would help out by being willing to make the first move.

Of course, all too often this goes from simply wishing that women would approach more to folks explaining ((By which I mean: people making shit up)) that women are the sexual gatekeepers – especially in the short-term – and generally like being in charge, thus feel no need to go out and be the initiators like they should. Moreover – so the complaint goes – women have the power to not just shut down but ruin someone by unfairly labeling him “creepy” and insist that women need to be more considerate of the feelings of the men they’re rejecting… maybe even stopping to give him lessons in how to get her to like him so he can do better next time.

Oh man that's a good one, that... oh shit, you're serious. — Oh man that’s a good one, that… oh shit, you’re serious.

The thing is: women do approach guys. All the time in fact. Women frequently message guys they’re interested in when it comes to online dating; it just seems less significant compared to the many men who will shotgun out messages. Other times they get brushed off by the men because they’re not the women those men want to approach them. Then, there are the times when guys don’t recognize that someone is trying to make the first move. More often than not the way women approach men they’re interested in doesn’t match up with how they picture the approach going. She may use proximity and body language to try to catch his attention and signal that she wants to talk to him, she makes an observation about something or finds an excuse to talk with him about, say, a class they have in common, as a way of breaking the ice.

If some of these sound familiar, they should… these are many of the ways men approach women. Most forms of indirect openers and indirect “game” from PUA circles are variations of techniques that women have used to signal interest without being too overt.

But the fact of the matter is, more men make the approach than women do. However, once you understand the social dynamics of why women don’t approach, it becomes much easier to create an environment where women feel empowered to make the first move, too.

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The Economics of Sex

February 21, 2014 by Dr. NerdLove 729 Comments

Sometimes the universe decides I don’t have enough rage in my life.

OK, perhaps I should explain. No is too much. Let me sum up.

One of the dating misconceptions that I tilt at regularly is the myth that women are the sexual gatekeepers and that sex is a transactional procedure where a woman only “gives it up” when a man meets her price; this is generally known as the commodity model of sex. The commodity model of sex insists that women are only worth the sex they don’t have; after all, if she “gives it away” too readily, then she is actively driving down her own value. Because apparently sex is a limited, non-rewnewable resource and once you’ve tapped that particular well, it’s dry forever.

Which brings new meaning to "WE'VE GOT A GUSHER!". — Which brings new meaning to “WE’VE GOT A GUSHER!”.

This is an idea repeated over and over again, from toxic Pick-Up Artists like Roosh “Once you’ve had sex with a girl 3 times, there is nothing interesting or useful she will give you for the remainder of the relationship.” V to the Austin Institute for the Study of Family and Culture. In fact, it’s the Austin Institute’s video “The Economics of Sex” that prompted today’s column with its supposedly “novel” variation on the commodity model of sex by insisting that women being too slutty devalues sex and thus deprives them of any chance of being married. After being directed to a glowing paean to the idea in the New York Post and then reading Lindy West’s excellent takedown, I had to see this wonder for myself. Because apparently I don’t get nearly angry enough in my day to day life.

So I watched this 10 minute wonder and…

well…

"I feel a column coming on." — “I feel a column coming on.”

All we have is the usual “if you give the milk away, nobody will buy the cow” argument, trying to use economics as a fig-leaf to give it the sheen of respectability. Too bad it’s complete and utter horse shit.

Let’s take this sucker apart, shall we? Pack a lunch, this is going to be a long one.

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: My Lack of Dating Experience Is Bringing Me Down

February 19, 2014 by Dr. NerdLove 51 Comments

Hi there Doc was hoping you could give me some advice.

I’m a 20 year old student that has almost no dating experience at all. I’ve only just recently started to get more serious about dating but so far I have had very little success. Basically until recently I was a very shy and quiet person who kept to himself most of the time but once I started working in retail I started to become a much more social person.

I certainly do go out a lot more and have made a lot more friends in the past year then i ever had in most of my school years. This includes both boys and girls. However most of my friends are guys and the girls themselves are now in relationships.

The thing is my lack of dating and relationship experience is really starting to get to me and I’ve been feeling down. Not so much depressed but more frustrated. I blame myself for what’s happened and usually end up ripping myself apart. The thing is most of my friends seem to have no problems with getting girls which I’ve seen firsthand. I won’t lie that this makes my self esteem just plummet and the negative thoughts all come back. I tell myself I will never be that good or even worse that girl’s hate me and I will be alone forever. Yeah I know that getting a girlfriend will not sort everything out or make my life perfect but at the same time I just feel stuck in a rut. This also affects me when I go out as I tend not to enjoy myself. When this happens I tend to go real quiet and get lost in my thoughts. Especially the last few times where my friends ended up spending the night with girls while I was alone.

I know the process of improving is slow but right now it feels like nothing is changing while everyone else seems to have no problem or are improving really fast. So yeah was wondering if you had some advice for getting out this rut and enjoying what i do have a bit more and actually approach dating and all that with a lot less fear and shame.

Many Thanks

Going Nowhere Fast

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