Archives for March 2014

How To Not Be Creepy

March 28, 2014 by Dr. NerdLove 485 Comments

As Creep Week comes to a close again and we all start to feel like it’s safe to get back into the dating pool, I want to talk about the fear of being labeled “creepy”.

There are a lot of people – mostly the socially inexperienced – who worry about being called “creepy” by women and having it destroy their entire lives. Because, as we all know, all women everywhere are connected to a powerful underground information sharing network, thus ensuring that anyone saddled with the “creeper” label shall never have sex again… not even with himself.

"Latest update ladies. Nick Twisp is on the No -Bone-List" — “Latest update ladies. Nick Twisp is on the No -Bone-List”

OK, I kid. But I understand the fear; most people don’t want to come across as creepy and worry about accidentally ruining an interaction with someone they’re attracted to. It can feel like you’re walking on a tightrope over a pit of flaming, judgmental sharks who are dying to rip your nipples off. Also, you’re doing so without a net. And the tightrope has been greased with all of your unused sperm and is also on fire.

But, like many of the emotional pitfalls and fuck-ups that come with dating, this is a matter that is entirely within your own control. Avoiding being a creeper is equal parts practical measures and self-awareness. Over the years, I’ve noticed some issues that correspond with people being unintentionally creepy, and working on those issues will help you avoid being a creeper.

Obligatory disclaimer: this is baseline behavior. You don’t get – nor should you expect – brownie points for not being a creeper. So with that in mind, let’s talk about some of the ways to avoid being creepy.

[Read more…]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Can I Ever Trust A Former Abuser?

March 26, 2014 by Dr. NerdLove 137 Comments

Dear Dr.NerdLove,

Recently I met a pretty nice guy. I wasn’t gonna date him but I liked talking with him until one day he confessed that he used to be the abuser in an abusive relationship. That made me wonder what happens to people like that after their abusive relationship ends. I mean, does being an abuser once or twice make a person dangerous for others for life? With STD you at least know that infecting others is not something infected person wants to do. But being violent and manipulative towards one’s partner seems to be something one must be able to control. Which makes a former abuser into a person that others should keep their distance from. Yet, it seems to be a bit unfair. So, my question is whether trusting the former abuser is no different from trusting someone with criminal record or it requires super extra caution because people rarely change?

No Need For A Clever Name

[Read more…]

Socially Awkward Isn’t An Excuse

March 24, 2014 by Dr. NerdLove 1,114 Comments

It’s that time of year again: convention season gets started, students go on Spring Break and we brace ourselves for a new round of stories about creepers, predators and generally shitty dating behavior. It’s Creep Week 2014: like Shark Week, except during Shark Week everyone is actually rooting for the shark. So it’s time to talk about creepy behavior, how to avoid it and what to do about it.

"It'sssss the mosssst wonderful time of the year!" — “It’sssss the mosssst wonderful time of the year!”

And today, I’m going to piss a lot of you off. I’m going to piss a lot of you off and I’m going to do it deliberately. Because today I’m going to take a whack at one of the greatest sacred cows on the Internet: the Socially Awkward Exception.

This is something I’ve seen over and over again whenever the topic of meeting women comes up: the plight of the guys who supposedly have been mislabeled as “creepers” when in reality they’re just socially awkward and we should all be giving them a break, maaaan.

All too often, we hear that someone who’s socially awkward should get a pass because, hey, he doesn’t know that he’s doing something wrong! He’s probably really just a nice guy! Shouldn’t she be nice to him, anyway? Or maybe she should just teach him what he did was wrong!

Sure, he stands too close, ignores people when they're trying to end the conversation and keeps saying incredibly inappropriate things to women at the drop of a hat... but he brings Chimay to the party! — Sure, he stands too close, ignores signs that people don’t want to talk to him, keeps trying to give women massages and says incredibly inappropriate things to women at the drop of a hat… but he brings Chimay to the party!

Except… no. No, we shouldn’t. More often than not the problem isn’t about being socially awkward, it’s about pushing boundaries; claiming that being socially awkward – or defending someone on the grounds that they’re just awkward – means that we shouldn’t be so hard on them becomes about excusing their behavior and helping them put pressure on women to tolerate that behavior. But even when someone genuinely is socially awkward, it ultimately does not matter.

Assuming you haven’t clicked away in disgust, let’s get into why social awkwardness isn’t an excuse.

[Read more…]

Ace The “Defining The Relationship” Talk

March 21, 2014 by Dr. NerdLove 142 Comments

Straight talk: there are two phrases that a woman can say that will instill ball-shrinking terror in the heart of every man. The first is “We need to talk.” The second is “Where do you think this relationship is going?”

Seriously. We'd all rather hear "the dead have risen from the grave and by the way, I may have been bitten." — Given the choice, we’d all much rather hear “The dead have risen from the grave and by the way, I may have been bitten.”

It’s the dreaded “Defining The Relationship” talk… and nobody ever looks forward to it. The DTR talk has achieved an almost mythical level of terror amongst people – especially men, because it almost always comes at the worst possible moment, and suddenly you have to make decisions that will affect you for the rest of your relationship. For many men, it represents a massive, possibly undesirable, change in the nature of your relationship with this person. Even if you’re actively hoping to be able to move the label from “dating” to “girlfriend”, it’s a conversation that’s rife with anxiety and potential pitfalls. When do you bring it up? Is a month too soon? Is three months too late? What do you do if you say you want to be serious… and she doesn’t? What if you’ve misunderstood the nature of your relationship? Guys always talk about the Overly Attached Girlfriend… but what if you’re the Overly Attached Boyfriend? And just what does it mean when she wants to “keep things casual”? What about if she’s looking “for something serious”? What do you do?

Calm down. The reason that the DTR moment is so terrifying is because we almost always do it wrong. The key to acing the “Defining The Relationship” talk – whether you’re looking to have it or it’s being sprung on you – is to make sure you do it the right way.

[Read more…]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Did I Throw Away Love For Sex?

March 19, 2014 by Dr. NerdLove 79 Comments

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

I could really use some smart advice right now! For most of my life, I’ve only been with one man. He’s good-looking, has a great job, my friends and parents like him, and most importantly, he genuinely loves and cares for me. I never questioned being together but quite randomly after many years, I started wondering if there was more to life. I started getting antsy and wondering what dating other men would be like, and I also really wanted to explore kinkier sex like BDSM and toys (to which he is strongly disinclined). So I left… in search of meeting new people who are more sexually open-minded and simultaneously getting some brand new dating experiences under my belt. So far, I’m meeting many nice gentlemen and enjoying the tension flirting a lot, along with exploring this sort of caged sexual energy (this I’m really enjoying).

However, the issue is, it’s difficult not to draw a comparison back to my ex each time. Either I feel lukewarm about these guys, or if I really start to like someone I feel like they would never love me back the way my ex did. I’m scared I made a huge mistake, and that I shouldn’t have tossed years of love and loyalty over monotony and vanilla sex. I think about how we could build a very steady, loving, PG-13 life together which might be better for me than going out in search of adventure and wilding out.

Do you have any advice for me? I’m really not sure what’s the right thing to do.

Pterrified Pterodactyl

[Read more…]