Archives for July 2014

Ask Dr. NerdLove: What Do I Do About My Racist Family?

July 30, 2014 by Dr. NerdLove 13 Comments

Dr. NerdLove,

I’m a 20-year-old student in an interracial relationship. As my girlfriend flew into NYC from Paris, I flew into Connecticut from SoFl. Because we hadn’t seen each other in three weeks, I told my father I would take the train into NYC to visit her. He said that was, “okay.”

My girlfriend advocated for LGBT rights throughout high school and college, so we went to the Gay Pride Parade with her two friends. She took a picture of her friends and I with a Rainbow Flag in the background. She posted it to Instragram, and Facebook. All was good.

Next thing I know, I received a message from my sister, “Dad is pissed you went to the Gay Pride Parade.” I shrugged it off. Despite my father’s brother being one of the thousands of homosexuals who died from AIDS, he’s a homophobe. Not wanting to fight with him on his settled ways, I ignored it.

The next day, I received a phone call from my mother (she and my father are divorced). She demanded I take the photo down from Facebook because I pushed one of my father’s buttons (there had been a little bit of tension between my father and I on something else). I told her I couldn’t ask my girlfriend and her friends to take their photos down. Although I could untag myself, I thought it would be silly to comply with such a request.

My sister picked me up from the train station when I returned to Connecticut. She told me, “Dad went off on your girlfriend yesterday. He called her a ‘slut,’ a slew of Asian racial slurs, a bad influence, and insulted her political stances. He threatened to not help you pay for school.'” This took me by surprise because my girlfriend has had dinner with him, and she spent a weekend with me at his place.

My father’s said terrible things. He’s one of those, “If black people can say the n-word, then anyone can say the n-word (except he says the word)”, “Bisexual people don’t exist (he doesn’t know I’m bisexual)”, “You can’t rape your SO,” pieces of shit. But, he’s helped pay for my living expenses (I attend a school in NYC. Apartments can be cheaper than dorms, and work won’t be enough to pay for it on my own). Given that, I’ve put up with his shitty comments. This crosses line several times over. Even if this is resolved, I would be very uncomfortable with my father seeing my girlfriend again, or my girlfriend’s parents (who are wonderful) meeting my father.

Should I tell my girlfriend about this? If I should (and I’m inclined to think I should), how should I do it? Even though she’s one of the most kind and intelligent people I know, she was extremely nervous before she met my father. When she spent the weekend at his house with me, she was nervous. She wants him to like her.

Thanks,

A Conflicted Boyfriend

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How To Demonstrate Value

July 28, 2014 by Dr. NerdLove 475 Comments

Last week’s Ask Dr. NerdLove brought up a question that I hear from a lot of people: how do you keep a woman’s interest in you instead of all of those other guys out there? And the answer is actually fairly simple: you show your value.

Now, I know a few of you are recoiling because this sounds like some typical PUA shit. But stick with me; this isn’t about gimmicky “DHV” (demonstration of higher value) stories about how you used to date a model (who does’t exist) or the time you saved your best friend from a bar fight (that never actually happened). Those are bullshit stories designed to create a false front and, honestly, not only have women heard every variation but nobody believes them, either.

Nobody’s going to look at someone who’s clearly nervous just being in the bar and buy “oh yes, I totally believe you dated two supermodels back home.” Nobody cares about your lifestyle resume padding that turned “I like posting pictures on Instagram” to “I’m a professional photographer!” or how handing out fliers got turned into “Yeah, I’m a club promoter”.

In LA, everyone's "a producer". In New York, everyone's "in finance". In Dallas, everyone's a DJ and in Austin everyone's in a band. — In LA, everyone’s “a producer”. In New York, everyone’s “in finance”. In Dallas, everyone’s a DJ and in Austin everyone’s in a band.

No, you want to demonstrate real value – reasons why someone will prefer you and want to spend time with you instead of someone with lots of flash and looks but very little substance. Flash might get attention, but value is what makes them stay… and come back for more. [Read more…]

How To Stop Fighting With Your Girlfriend (And Start Making Up)

July 25, 2014 by Dr. NerdLove 124 Comments

Here’s something that most relationship coaches aren’t going to tell you: fights are a part of relationships. The sooner you accept this, the sooner you can learn how to stop fighting.

Doesn’t seem like that makes sense, does it? Stick with me here for a second and you’ll understand.

Relationships are kind of like Fight Club: if you’re you’re dating someone, you’re going to fight. There’s no getting around it. It’s the inevitable result of being in a relationship with another person – there’s going to be conflict, no matter how (drift) compatible you may be.

"Problem solved!" — “Problem solved. Your move, NerdLove.”

Trying to avoid fighting means trying to avoid conflict – which usually means that important issues get swept under the rug in the name of “keeping the peace” instead of, y’know, resolving them. And of course, we all know how well denial works when it comes to conflict resolution.

Rather than trying to avoid conflict, people in the most successful relationships learn how to fight so that they don’t end up doing more damage to one another. But learning how to fight is only part of the answer. You also have to know how to stop fighting so that you can actually fix things and move on to the more important parts of the relationship… like the make-up sex.

So just how can you stop fighting with your partner? Well I’m glad you asked…

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Why Do These Women Ditch Me For Other Guys?

July 23, 2014 by Dr. NerdLove 337 Comments

Hey Doctor Awesomepuss, really love your blog.

I keep encountering this same issue with girls that I take on dates or girls who have expressed a certain degree of interest in me. The issue is they run off with other men in front of me.

Examples:

I took a girl swing dancing a few weeks ago as a first date. We had a really fun first hour or two dancing, then this guy (who was a much more experienced dancer than me, swing has a steep learning curve) danced with her 4ish times in the span of 20 minutes, walking up to us when we were talking and whisking her away into a world of dips and spins. When I came back from a cigarette he was taking her into the side room (which is where I take girls when I want a more intimate environment). I told her that I wasn’t ok with what was going on and she insisted that it was alright because we weren’t in a relationship. She stopped dancing with him and spent the rest of the night with me, but she was cold and standoffish and the date ended not long after.

Last night I went out dancing at an EDM show and spent most of the night grinding up on a friend of a friend who was in town for the night. She pulled me away from dancing with other girls to dance with her and started being more physical with me after I told her she was attractive. I went for a kiss and she didn’t pull away but didn’t kiss back. There was a linebacker looking guy who occasionally stood on the periphery. After the show they started talking and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I took her to leave and at the exit linebacker found us. He made a joke about if he was allowed to shake her hand then the two of them started making out. I had no idea what to do and what I tried failed so I just went home.

Another girl a few months ago I met a campout expressed interest in a relationship and told me she lived in my home town. There was a time when I told her to pick between me and another dude and she picked me. Two days later into the campout she told me she’d want to spend the evening with me, within 10 minutes she had run off with another dude and told me she was actually traveling out east with him and didn’t live in my town. When the other guy came up he had a way of putting his arm around her and drawing her into a circle of people that made it difficult for me to talk to her.

I realize these girls aren’t right for me. I do have some insecurity about girls who are attracted to me choosing another man, that’s how my only relationship ended. I used to not be jealous, thinking if I let girls do what they wanted they would come back to me eventually. Now I am jealous and I believe too domineering when threatened, this solution doesn’t seem to be effective. I know the trick is just to be confident what what specifically can I do in these types of situations? I do have a lot of faith in myself and am not upset up about any of these rejections, I’d just like to stop them in the future.

– BravestWarrior

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What I Wish I Knew Before My First Relationship

July 21, 2014 by Dr. NerdLove 191 Comments

A large number of the emails I get for Ask Dr. NerdLove, both here and at Kotaku start off the same way: “I’ve never had a girlfriend”. Many my readers have a lot of anxiety over finding their first relationship. In fact, many feel that they’re essentially doomed because they’ve never seriously1 dated anyone before. They see the large gap in their relationship resume as a glaring, unmissable flaw, as though asking somebody out were applying for a job.

"I'm sorry, Longhornz4Eva, we're looking for someone with more experience." — “I’m sorry, Longhornz4Eva, we’re looking for someone with more experience.”

Others worry that, due to their lack of experience, their first relationship will be doomed because they won’t know how to handle it.

Here’s a secret though: all relationships are functionally like a first relationship. Every relationship is a matter of getting to know the other person, making your lifestyles and expectations mesh, learning how to tolerate each other’s little quirks etc. The only difference is that people who’ve had other relationships have the experience to guide them through the rough patches.

That first relationship can be tricky because you’re basically groping in the dark. My first serious relationship was full of avoidable mistakes and disasters that one might charitably call “learning experiences” because I had no fucking clue what I was doing.

And sometimes the point of those learning experiences is to be a warning to others... — Sometimes the answer to “what am I doing?” is “providing a warning to others.”

But that’s why I’m here: to help you navigate through the complex, twisted and often scary world of first relationships so that hopefully you can avoid the most common mistakes. That way you can make new and different mistakes.

But all joking aside: here are 5 things I wish I’d known before my first relationship…

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