• Archives
  • Submit A Dating Question
  • The Secret Origin of Dr. NerdLove
  • Dr. NerdLove Store
  • Dr. NerdLove’s Affiliate Store

Paging Dr. NerdLove

Love, Sex and Dating For The Modern Nerd

Search The Archives

  • Books
  • Podcasts
  • The Grimes Test
  • Ask Dr. NerdLove
  • The Basics
  • Private Coaching
  • Submit A Dating Question

Archives for March 2015

How To Be Funny

March 30, 2015 by Dr. NerdLove 122 Comments

Despite what people will tell you, the ultimate universal attractant when it comes to dating is very simple: be funny. The oldest dating cliché in the book is that women want somebody with a great sense of humor. And it’s true – the people you see who can “punch outside of their weight class” (as it were) when it comes to dating are people who know how to be funny.

The UR example of the trope.
The UR example of the trope.

People may insist that looks, height, abs and money beat making someone laugh, but science backs up the funny guy. It all comes back to the Reward Theory of Attraction – the more people enjoy being in your presence, the more time they want to spend in your presence. When you can make someone feel good, they associate that feeling with you… and nothing makes people feel better than when someone can make them laugh.

But what does it take to be funny? Well, having known plenty of naturally funny people, from class clowns to professional comedians, I can tell you it all comes down to one thing: pain. The funniest people I know have rich veins of pain to draw from; they may have developed their sense of humor as a defense mechanism against being bullied. For some, humor is a way of keeping the darkness at bay, or ingratiating themselves to others. So clearly the answer is to traumatize yourself until you’re hilarious.

Which is why Batman's known for mastery of stand-up comedy.
Which is why Batman’s known for headlining the Kings of Comedy tour.

Ok, no, not really. After all, not everybody has a deep well of pain to draw from1 and not all humor is born out of trauma. Much like dating, humor seems like something you either have or you don’t… but that’s not true. Just like dating, humor is a skill. You can learn how to date better. And you can learn how to be funny.

So how do you do it?

Find The Humor That Works For You

One of the first things you have to recognize is that humor a wide, wide topic. Humor and the things we find funny are so wildly varied that it’s almost impossible to catalog and catagorize all of the types of humor – not that it hasn’t stopped some people from trying. There’s the humor inherent in defied expectations, for example – when someone zigs instead of zags and the result is completely different from what you anticipate happening. There are the multiple forms of word-play, from the quippy verbal banter of the Marx Brothers to the witty observations of Oscar Wilde to good old-fashioned puns. There’s the humor of surprise and of exaggeration and repetition. There’s the physical comedy of slapstick. There’s the cringy humor inherent in second-hand embarrassment and schadenfreude. Humor can be found in unusual behavior, in energy, in satire, parody and mockery, in observation and reflection and in basic absurdity.

However, humor is also deeply personal; what one person finds funny, other people may not. Some forms of comedy leave people completely cold. Essays could be written about the humorless void that is Larry the Cable-Guy, and yet for a long, long time he was one of the most popular comedians of his era.


In fact, people have…

People cringe at the “humor” of The Big Bang Theory, but somehow it remains one of the highest rated television shows in history. As some anonymous monk once said: de gustibus non est disputandum.

"Hey, the Doc's telling people how to be funny!" "Great! So when's he going to learn?"
“Hey, the Doc’s telling people how to be funny!”
“Great! So when’s he going to learn?”

This is why it’s important to focus on humor that you like. Humor only works if the one being humorous enjoys and appreciates it. If you aren’t amusing yourself, then all you’re doing is pandering at best and begging for approval at worst. Pandering to an audience, whether it’s an audience of one or dozens, is the hallmark of a hacky comedian. It’s needy behavior, and as I’ve said before: neediness is the Anti-Sex Equation. If you want to be funny, then you need to explore what forms of humor speak to you and what makes you laugh. The humor that resonates with you is often the humor that you’re best able to reproduce. And more importantly: it’s humor that reflects who you are, rather than an attempt to be someone else. Humor should speak to your authentic self, not some artificial identity.

But you need more than just recognizing you have a love of knock-knock jokes. You need to understand how to make humor work. Which is why if you want to be funny, the next step is…

Wanna Be Funny? Do Your Homework.

There’s more to humor than just writing as many jokes as possible; if you don’t understand how to deliver a joke or why something is funny, then all you’re going to get are blank stares and awkward coughs. So the best way to understand humor is to surround yourself with it, to immerse yourself in it. Just as writers are advised to read as much and as widely as possible, people who want to be funny need to take in comedy. The more humor you expose yourself to, the more you begin to process it and understand it.  Treat it like learning a language – you want to build up your vocabulary and to learn the grammar and structure of humor, and the best way to do this is to study people who’re funny – especially people who are funny in the way you want to be funny.

Much as finding your archetype helps when it comes to developing your personal style, finding the comedians who reflect your sense of humor gives you a base to build from. They’re not just your role-models, they’re your teachers; in many ways, they’re showing you all the little things that go into what makes someone funny. Comedians are scholars and sages when it comes to the process and mechanics of humor. Any successful comedian has spent years honing every aspect of their act – from the jokes themselves, to the pacing, the rhythm, the tonality, their body language and the way they respond in the moment. Even the comedians who “just wing it”, like the late, great Robin Williams, are doing so with years of experience and practice under their belts. They’re the comedic equivalent of jazz musicians – they may be masters of improvisation, but they have a command of the basics to build upon.

When you’re watching the comedians you love, examine everything they do. Break it down – why do you find it funny? Is it the tone of voice, the absurdity of the situation they present, the shock of the unexpected? Why do we laugh when Patton Oswalt describes the KFC Famous Bowls as a pile of sadness and grease? What was it about Richard Pryor’s delivery that made his jokes work? What is it about Jackie Kashian’s stories that make us cackle?  The best comedians and humorists often layer their humor. “Weird Al” Yankovic, for example, brings many forms of comedy to his music; his songs are built on multiple levels of humor – the defied expectations of the original song, the absurd, exaggerated situations, the gentle mockery of the original artists.

You also should examine other forms of humor – clever writers, quippy TV shows, even podcasts with bantering hosts. These all help build up your metaphorical vocabulary and give you a broad base to build upon as you’re trying to develop your sense of humor.

Of course, learning how to be funny means more than just a scholarly study of what makes you laugh – you have to learn how to put it into practice. And that means actually trying to be funny.

Practice, Practice, Practice

Theory is all well and good, but if you’re trying to be funnier, then you have to go out and actually perform – metaphorically speaking. No matter how much you may absorb from watching Louis CK’s stand up routines or Archer’s rapid-fire back-and-forths, you still have to actually go out there and do it. All the theory in the world doesn’t do you any good if you can’t actually deliver in person. And like any skill, it takes practice. Humor is like music – it has a beat and a rhythm that you can only learn through deliberate performance. You’re only going to learn about timing and pacing and delivery by going out and making a point of trying to be funny.

"OK funny man, make us laugh!"
“OK funny man, make us laugh!”

No matter what style of humor matches your personality, you need to work on it in front of people. Humor, after all, needs an audience, otherwise it’s just meaningless noise. Without the reaction from an audience – whether from your friends, or the cutie at the bookstore – you have no real way of gauging your success or what you need to work on. Theory is lovely, but it’s ultimately meaningless without any real-world application.

At first, you may not even know what to say or how… which is why you were immersing yourself in the things that make you laugh all this time. When you’re trying to develop your sense of humor, it’s natural to start off mimicking – even blatantly repeating – people you find funny. And you know what? This is fine. This is how you learn. Musicians don’t just start composing one day2  – they study, they practice and they play other people’s songs in order to learn. You develop your style by studying other people’s first. That should be your end goal – not to just memorize other people’s bits, jokes and quips but to figure out how to develop your own.

As long as you’re building towards developing your own voice, don’t be too down on yourself for being influenced by others. Oscar Wilde, a man famous for his quick wit, was notorious for blatantly borrowing lines and quips from other people. To quote a famous exchange between Wilde and James McNeil Whistler:

Wilde: I wish I had been the one to say that.
Whistler: You will, Oscar, you will.

Just make sure that you’re not mindlessly imitating your humor idols – if you’re going to mimic them, study their best material and figure out how to make it work with your personality.If you’re just using other people’s material as a crutch, not only will you never develop your own sense of humor, but you’ll end up with a reputation as someone who just repeats jokes.

(I should point out: I’m talking about learning to be funny in your every-day life. Borrowing other people’s jokes for, say, your local open-mike night is a giant-assed world of no.)

Of course, there’s more to developing your wit and humor than just polishing your material – you want to work on the spontaneity and timing, judging your audience and understanding context, as well as trying different kinds of humor. There’s more to being funny than just telling jokes. Learn how to banter. Tell stories about your life. Appreciate the comedy value of a precision f-bomb. Drop a pun or two. Broaden your base as you practice and you’ll find that being funny will come easier to you… and more importantly, you’ll come off like a person who’s funny and clever, not somebody who’s workshopping a bit on an unsuspecting audience.

You Have To Learn How To Fail, Too

One of the things that’s important about practicing how to be funny: it also teaches you how to screw up. Failure is a key part of learning after all. It’s only through failure that you can really pinpoint the areas that need work. Bombing – whether you’re on stage or out with your friends -sucks. But if you can keep your head about you, it can be a learning opportunity. If your jokes and humorous stories are doing well on the lead-up but the punchline continually goes over like a lead balloon, then that’s a pretty good indication that you need to refine your delivery.

Or you're actually funny and your friends are just kinda dicks.
Or you’re actually funny and your friends are just kinda dicks.

You have to be willing to endure the failure to learn. Are you talking too quickly? Are you using a specific tone of voice or inflection that tells people “here comes the joke”, instead of making it sound natural? Are you misreading the audience and what you think is funny is simply not going to work for them?

Part of what makes failure important is that it teaches you about the importance of timing and context.  Sometimes it’s a case of “too soon” and people haven’t had enough time to process the subject you’re joking about. Sometimes the joke or the story itself is fine, but the context is inappropriate. Other times, it’s simply that you’ve overdone the type of humor. Acting like a goofball gets tiresome, while sarcasm and aggressive humor can lose its value incredibly quickly.

And then there’s “edgy” and offensive humor. For most people, trying to be “edgy” doesn’t work; it takes a high level of social calibration to know how to tiptoe up to the line without going over. Don Rickles is able to get away with insults and racially charged humor. You, most likely, aren’t, and the potential for fuck-ups is incredibly high. Even if you didn’t mean to offend somebody, “hey, it’s just a joke” isn’t a defense, nor is “get a sense of humor” going to make up for the fact that you were a dick. Remember: the fail-state of “clever” is “asshole”.

Know When To Knock It Off

While learning how to be funny will give you an advantage when it comes to dating, you also have to recognize that you don’t want to try to be funny all the time. At best, it’s exhausting. Try to imagine being around Robin Williams when he was “on”; he was brilliant and hilarious but past a certain point you simply don’t have the energy any more. You simply can’t keep up with him.

Alternately, spend some time around people who've done a line or two and see how long it takes before you want to wire their jaws shut.
Alternately, spend some time around people who’ve done a line or two and see how long it takes before you want to wire their jaws shut.

At worst, however, it’s obnoxious. Too much humor gets in the way of actually connecting with people, which is your ultimate goal. The guy who turns everything into a joke and won’t take anything seriously is a frustrating asshat. When everything you say is fodder for another quip, you start to feel like they don’t take you seriously. Constantly joking and delivering one-liners – especially when you have real, legitimate concerns – telegraphs a lack of respect and interest.

You don’t want to be that guy.

Humor is best delivered strategically. It’s better to pick your moments with care than to just shotgun blast jokes out and hope that something hits. The more you practice and the more you learn how to be funny, the better you will become at picking the right moment. And when you can deliver that perfect quip at the exact right time… well, you’ll be amazed at how effective it can be on a date.

Women love a man with a sense of humor. Develop yours and watch your dating life take off.

How To Be Funny

  1. and if you’re one of those lucky bastards: hi, how you doin’? How’d you find my site and what deal with Satan did you make to live such a charmed life? [↩]
  2. Ok, smart-ass, besides whatever child-prodigy you feel the need to bring up. Now shut up and quit trying to out-clever me. [↩]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Can I Meet Women On The Job?

March 27, 2015 by Dr. NerdLove 73 Comments

Hi Doc,

I read your piece about asking for help, and it really struck a chord with me, because last year I was diagnosed with depression. The good news is that I’m getting counselling and medication to help me with the issue, and shortly after the episode that led to the diagnosis I met someone who has now become my first girlfriend. I’m not out of the woods yet, but the issues are easier to handle now that I can open up and talk about them with my family.

My question is: when would be an appropriate time to tell my new girlfriend about these issues? I’ve come a bit later to dating/relationships than most other people do, so this is kind of an unusual situation for me. But I feel like she could be a really good support, particularly since she’s the only person (besides my therapist) living in the same city as me who I might feel comfortable talking about this stuff with.

No Clever Acronym

 

[Read more…]

Wednesday Open Thread: 90s Nostalgia Edition

March 25, 2015 by Dr. NerdLove 52 Comments

It’s Wednesday, which means it’s time for Doc to lock himself in his office with a cheeseburger and his latest comic acquisitions. Meanwhile, the NerdLove interns and residents take over the comments section for their own nefarious purposes!

This week’s suggested topic: Proving that everything comes around again, 90s nostalgia is starting to peak with the sudden and unexpected revival of The X-Files with the return of David Duchovney and Gillian Anderson. So for those of you who grew up those times: what are your 90s pop-culture memories? Favorite television shows, movies, bands? Let the flannel fly and the under-produced, disaffected rockers reign again…

You know the rules: no hate, no trolling, no spam. Have fun!

When It’s Time To Ask For Help

March 23, 2015 by Dr. NerdLove 151 Comments

One of the hardest things that a man can do in his life is learn that sometimes he needs to ask for help. It could be almost anything that leads you to realizing that you can’t handle things on your own. You may simply feel like you’re unable to deal with your issues on your own. You may feel like everything is spiraling out of control. It might be that you feel like you’re hanging on by your fingernails and your grip is slipping. You may feel overwhelmed with feelings of despair or hopelessness. It may be that you simply can’t feel at all. 

And sometimes it just feels like you’re one bad day away from losing your shit completely.

 "If too much weight is placed upon [the average man].. they snap. How does he live, I hear you ask? How does this poor pathetic specimen survive in today's harsh and irrational environment? I'm afraid the sad answer is, "Not very well." Faced with the inescapable fact that human existence is mad, random, and pointless, one in eight of them crack up and go stark slavering buggo! Who can blame them? In a world as psychotic as this... any other response would be crazy!"
“If too much weight is placed upon [the average man].. they snap. How does he live, I hear you ask? How does this poor pathetic specimen survive in today’s harsh and irrational environment? I’m afraid the sad answer is, “Not very well.” Faced with the inescapable fact that human existence is mad, random, and pointless, one in eight of them crack up and go stark slavering buggo! Who can blame them? In a world as psychotic as this… any other response would be crazy!”
Deciding to ask for help is tantamount to admitting weakness, and if there’s one thing that men are taught over and over again, it’s that Real Men Handle Their Own Shit. Even when we have example after example of fictional tough-guys and bad-asses being willing to open up, admit their fucked-upped-ness and recognize that they need help, there’s still this stigma against saying that you can’t do it alone. We’re supposed to let it all slide off of us as though it doesn’t matter. We minimize the problem because who wants to admit that they’re upset because they’re single? That they can’t “handle some people being mean to them?” Or that they can’t shake this feeling of emptiness or hopelessness or despair?

I should know. I dealt with a number of emotional and mental issues through most of my life, stemming from chronic depression. I acted out badly, treated people inappropriately at best – horribly at worst – and closed in on myself because I hated myself. I simultaneously wanted love and connection with people but didn’t think I deserved it – or could even have it. I was, frankly, all kinds of fucked up. But I didn’t want to talk about it. I thought the fact that I was letting “the blues” get to me was a sign of weakness.

It wasn’t until I had a full-on breakdown in college that culminated with passive suicide attempts that I finally started to get help. And even then, my friends had to strong-arm me into agreeing to it. I didn’t want the label of “mentally ill” attached to me. I didn’t want to admit that I needed help.

But they were right – it was what I needed. I had to learn that being willing to ask for help was, ultimately, the strongest thing I could’ve done.

Here’s some of what I had to learn when it came time to ask for help.

[Read more…]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: The Proper Etiquette of Facebook Stalking

March 20, 2015 by Dr. NerdLove 28 Comments

Hey Doc, I have a dilemma.

I’ve been lacking courage with women in my life, and been taking steps recently to have more courage and take action to go talk to women I’m interested in. Yesterday, I took one of these steps. I went to talk to a performer of the improv show I went to, she was absolutely brilliant (and pretty!). I interrupted her with her friends after the show to congratulate her, and we had a nice little chat, she made conversation with me and seemed interested. She asked if I’d be coming back to the next show, which is in one month, to which I replied I definitely would. Now I didn’t want to bother her as her friends were interrupting, and it was another (scary!) step to take her number right away/suggest we meet again, which I didn’t do. So I wished her good night. (Aside: It’s hard to reconcile being proud of taking little steps while still being disappointed in oneself for not being perfect)

Now the next show is in one month and I think it’s a long time to wait. And I’m pretty good at finding people on Facebook, if you catch my drift.

My dilemma is this: should I contact her online, offering we meet again, or should I wait a month to (possibly) talk to her again? On one hand, I want to strike the iron while it’s hot and act with urgency but I don’t want to make her feel stalked; and on the other, I prefer the engagement of face-to-face but a lot of things can happen and pass in one month, and the logistics of talking to her again could be difficult.

Thanks Doc, keep on keepin’ on

Taking Little Steps

[Read more…]

Next Page »

About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

Connect With Dr. NerdLove

  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • RSS
  • Twitter
  • YouTube

Categories

Like Us On Facebook

Facebook Pagelike Widget

Become a Dr. NerdLove Patron

Virtual Tip Jar

private coaching is available at doctornerdlove.com/private-coaching

Out Now!

My new dating guide, New Game + is available at Amazon.com , iTunes and everywhere books are sold.

Recent Comments

  • Will S. Oh my Transient Friend, I've been there, twice in a row with workmates - it was like reading a part of my own life story! My best advice would be just stop messaging her and move on immedialtey. If...

    I Was A Nice Guy And It Backfired. How Do I Win My Friend Back? ·  June 26, 2022

  • Belinda I had a f**k buddy situation in college for six months and I was completely infatuated with the guy. I wanted some much more for him, which he was well aware of. He did ask me to hang out, which I did...

    My Boyfriend’s Kink Turns Me Off. What Do I Do? ·  June 26, 2022

  • fuzzilla On the one hand, it might have kept me stuck and not fully open to dating someone else (and I did date other people, but maybe I wasn’t as “all in” as I could have been). On the other hand, it...

    My Boyfriend’s Kink Turns Me Off. What Do I Do? ·  June 26, 2022

  • Belinda It was an eye-opening experience. One I kind of wish I didn't have. I mean, a good number of these guys were my buddies. They were flirtatious with me and I of course assumed there were other women...

    I Was A Nice Guy And It Backfired. How Do I Win My Friend Back? ·  June 26, 2022

  • Belinda "To wait for the guy to volunteer more before giving him the world." Or don't treat him like your boyfriend unless he's your boyfriend. Idk. I am not a fan of FWBs. Hooking up a couple of times, fine....

    My Boyfriend’s Kink Turns Me Off. What Do I Do? ·  June 26, 2022

Popular Posts

What Couples Can Learn From Gomez and Morticia AddamsWhat Couples Can Learn From Gomez and Morticia Addams
Socially Awkward Isn’t An ExcuseSocially Awkward Isn’t An Excuse
Nerds and Male PrivilegeNerds and Male Privilege
On Labeling Women “Crazy”On Labeling Women “Crazy”
When Masculinity Fails MenWhen Masculinity Fails Men

Archives

Tags

abusive relationships ask dr. nerdlove attraction be a better man be a better person boundaries break up cheating communication confidence dating Don't Be A Creeper emotional abuse emotional health emotional intelligence flirting level up lifestyle masculinity meeting men Meeting Women mental health online dating podcast podcasts rejection relationship drama relationship maintenance relationships self-confidence self-esteem self-improvement self-limiting beliefs sex sexual compatibility sexuality skills social skills talking to women the friend zone toxic masculinity toxic relationships use your words virginity youtube