Archives for June 2015

5 Things Men Do That Make Them Less Attractive

June 29, 2015 by Dr. NerdLove 1,351 Comments

Attractiveness is a tricky beast. It’s tempting to assume that attractiveness is summed up by your looks; throw together some perfect abs, teeth like chicklets, rock-hard pecs, a swimmer’s body and a symmetrical face and you’re good to go.

Bonus points if you can do a passable Kit Harrington impression.

But being attractive is far more complicated than that. Physical good looks can certainly help (and the definition of “good looks” can vary pretty damn significantly) but attraction isn’t purely about your bone structure and diet. Attractiveness is a holistic attribute, something that encompasses your entire being… and it’s almost shockingly easy to change. The problem is that many men are accidentally sabotaging their own appeal. Just as there are subtle things that can make you more attractive, there are ways that you can actually make yourself less attractive. Let’s talk about some of the most common ways otherwise attractive people shoot themselves in the foot.

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Should I Forgive and Forget?

June 26, 2015 by Dr. NerdLove 29 Comments

Hey Doctor NerdLove,

Im contacting you because I need a non-biased opinion about my situation. It’s about my ex who pushed me away, then broke things off via text, then apologized three weeks later. Can’t ask friends or family because they will obviously side with me and just hate on her.

So, first thing I want to start off with this girl I dated for a while had her own problems dealing with anxiety. Just stating that to help explain what happened afterwards. The start of the relationship was fantastic for me and her. The first month and a half were great and a lot of fun, I connected with her on nerd stuff like games, comics, tv shows, a ton of stuff. Then stress starting piling up with her due to her job and possibly looking for a new job out of state which would mean the unfortunate end for us. The weird thing is we talked about it and suggested that we could still make it work. Anyway, as stress grew and I tried as much as I could to help and be there, she started to push me away. To a point that she wouldn’t see me or even have a phone conversation with me. She put up walls and made excuses to not see me, then after a little over a week dumped me.

Three weeks later she texts back to apologize, and explain that she couldn’t handle the stress and was too proud to have anyone help her including me. That and she has had good people leave her and hurt her, so she instead pushed me away and hurt me so she wouldn’t get hurt. I do forgive her, because its over and done with. I’m not someone to stay mad easily. She didn’t try and get back with me or said we should get back together, just the explanation and the apology. (All via text.) Afterwards though I thought of the line from Avengers 2 where Bruce Banner is done fighting after the intro fight of the movie and says “You know, sometimes exactly what I want to hear isn’t exactly what I want to hear.” Made me realize hating someone who hurt you is easier than forgiving them. Which brings me to my question.

Should I say something to her a long the lines “Hey, if things work out with finding a job close by, and if you feel like you’ve changed and would like to grab a coffee sometime and start over, give me a buzz.”? I mean, am I wrong in even thinking about this? Should I believe in the romantic side of me and give it a second chance if there is one? Or was I right in my initial thought and move on, because there is a possibility she won’t change and could do this all over again? Interested in your thoughts.

Once Bitten, Twice Shy

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Wednesday Open Thread: Dinosaur Edition

June 24, 2015 by Dr. NerdLove 55 Comments

It’s Wednesday, which means it’s time for the Doc to hop the NerdPlane to parts unknown. Meanwhile the NerdLove interns and residents take over the comments section for their own nefarious purposes!

This week’s suggested topic: almost everyone has their dinosaur phase. But when we grow out of it, there are two types of people: the ones who would never set foot in a theme park with live dinosaurs and the type that TOTALLY WOULD AND WOULD BE THERE ON OPENING DAY.

Which are you?

You know the rules: no hate, no trolling, no spam. Have fun!

Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Know When It’s Abuse?

June 19, 2015 by Dr. NerdLove 123 Comments

Hey Doc,

I’m a 28 year old straight female who just got out of a 10 year emotional and physically abusive relationship and I realize that a lot of relationship advice hindered my ability to leave.

I woke up to the fact that what I was experiencing wasn’t “normal” and was able to extricate myself from a very harmful situation, but now in the post mortem, I’m questioning what had happened and how I stayed in something that was so obviously bad for me for so long.

A part of it is simply not knowing what was normal. You don’t see couples fighting or making up so its hard to know what kinds of things happen on the inside. I always felt like it was normal to be yelled at and called names when my husband got his feelings hurt or was feeling stressed out, and I just felt like it was my own self control that made it so I didn’t do those things back to him. I’m actually thankful for the physical abuse in some twisted way because I KNEW that wasn’t normal and after massive bruises, I had the courage to leave.

I also have a problem because in our cultural narrative of an abuser, they are someone who is cunning and planning. They know what they are doing and are going for a specific reaction, while my husband’s abuse seemed more about his emotions getting out of control and him reacting in a shitty way. This convinced me that he wasn’t an abuser for a long time.

But another part of it was reading about relationship advice. It seemed like most of what I was reading was telling people to not be so picky, that nobody is perfect, there is no “one”, that all couples fight, and it felt like maybe the types of things happening in my relationship were just the normal trials of coupledom. Wanting more felt like I was asking for too much. Yes “All couples fight” but do all couples resort to insults, put downs and swearing?

I guess long story short, I’m starting to venture out into the dating world and I’m wondering how I can reconcile “these are normal couple fights and problems” with getting in over my head with someone who is an abuser and would take advantage of me? There were dozens of red flags and moments where alarm bells should have (and did) go off in my mind telling me to leave, but I always gave the benefit of the doubt, much to my detriment.

Thanks for your time

Confused about ‘Normal’

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