• Archives
  • Contact Me
  • The Secret Origin of Dr. NerdLove
  • Dr. NerdLove Store
  • Dr. NerdLove’s Affiliate Store

Paging Dr. NerdLove

Love, Sex and Dating For The Modern Nerd

Search The Archives

  • Books
  • Podcasts
  • The Grimes Test
  • Ask Dr. NerdLove
  • The Basics
  • Private Coaching
  • Contact Me

Archives for July 2015

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Do I Have To Choose Between Sex or Love?

July 31, 2015 by Dr. NerdLove 274 Comments

What’s up Doc,

Here’s the thing… I’m completely nuts for a girl and she seems to be completely nuts for me. She’s smart, funny, gets excited by the littlest things, is a complete geek, and is seriously beautiful. I think she is about the best woman I’ve ever had a relationship with and I’d totally consider her to be marriage worthy. However you knew there was a “but” coming and here it is: she is pretty religious and wants to be married prior to engaging in *any* sexual activity. That includes just about any form of physical contact beyond some heavy petting… that is any heavy petting is okay so long as it doesn’t directly bring a digital member in contact with a genital member. This in itself isn’t that scary… I’m fairly traditional in a lot of ways myself… and I appreciate that she doesn’t hold others to her standards, being accepting of people who don’t feel that way.  She’s also super liberal when it comes to social mores and doesn’t worry about gay marriage and all of that.. she’s just attempting to stay true to “her walk” and as such she doesn’t want to have sex until she is married.

My concern is, what if I marry her and there is no sex? What if she finds I’m not right for her in a pants-feel type of way? Before her I’ve only had one sexual partner, and that only lasted for a few months and wasn’t that great so I know that that can happen. My own libido is maybe middling on a scale of ravenous to frigid, but I’m just afraid her’s is going to be on the frigid end and it means that by marrying her I’ll gain an awesome friend-life-partner to do cool stuff with but I’ll never get the physical aspect of it except very rarely (as in she wants to conceive, or it’s my birthday, and then I have to worry about her just lying back and thinking of England as it were, the whole time) and that’s just it. I’d be fine with a couple of times a month; I’m not a crazed sex machine who is constantly rock hard and raring to go. I actually fully agree with her in fact that I want to be completely head over heels with any person I’m having sex with because otherwise I don’t feel like either of us would be getting the full experience that both of us have said we need. I’ve talked with her a bit about this and that’s how we know we both are on the same page about how we are feeling. I think what is scaring me is that I’ve expressed how much she turns me on, how sexually she excites me, (something she has commented on recognizing due to certain things popping up between us…) and her responses to that are always deflection or to tell me how smart she thinks I am, or how much fun I am to watch movies and do geeky stuff with. To me it feels as though she wants us to stay in the early stage dating experience forever, and I’m desperate for it to become more physical at least occasionally, beyond hand holding and cuddling on the sofa..

I just don’t know what to do Doc, she’s everything I could want in a partner but I’m afraid to commit because I’m afraid that means I’m resigning myself to being a celibate life partner, not a romantic and sexual partner… but at the same time i don’t want to throw away a good thing. I just can’t seem to balance if sex is more important to me than companionship and she seems reluctant to talk about it.

 

Sex Or Love

[Read more…]

Wednesday Open Thread: GIF PARTY!

July 29, 2015 by Dr. NerdLove 29 Comments

It’s Wednesday, which means it’s time for the Doc to run out for his weekly coffee salt-scrub massage appointment at the spa. But while he’s enjoying a soothing skin treatment, the NerdLove interns and residents take over the thread for their own nefarious purposes!

This week’s suggested topic: You asked for it. You’re getting it. FOR TODAY ONLY: it’s a GIF party in the open thread! Images are turned on!

sam_dean_screaming

They get turned back off at 8 PM tonight so enjoy it while you can!

You know the rules. Keep it SFW, report NSFW gifs as soon as you see them and keep in mind that people who abuse the privilege are either going on permanent moderation or getting the banhammer.

No hate. No spam. No trolling. Have fun!

The Man’s Guide On How To Smell Better

July 27, 2015 by Dr. NerdLove 288 Comments

One of the most important things that you can do when you’re trying to improve your dating success is also one of the most simple: you want to smell better. Scent is one of the most under-appreciated aspects of attraction. Our sense of smell is incredibly powerful and affects us in ways that we’re often unaware of. Not only is it the sense most intimately connected to memory and recall, but many scientists theorize that scent actually can be a signal for genetic compatibility.  More importantly however, scent also affects how people perceive us on an unconscious level. In a study conducted by Oxford University, women were asked to rate the attractiveness of men in various photos. Unbeknownst to the participants, each photo had been subtly scented with different fragrances – some pleasant and sweet-smelling, others more pungent. The results were conclusive; every unpleasant-smelling photo – smelling faintly of burning rubber or basic BO – was rated as being far less attractive.

Because nothing screams "sexy times" like cabbage and rotten cheese...
Because nothing screams “sexy times” like cabbage and rotten cheese…

The photos that had more appealing scents – geraniums and men’s cologne – were consistently rated as being much more attractive.

Managing to smell better is an incredibly simple and surprisingly powerful tool in making yourself more attractive. But – as with most tools – you have to know how to use it properly.

[Read more…]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Guest Expert Edition

July 24, 2015 by Dr. NerdLove 166 Comments

Hey everyone, Doc here.  This week, we’re doing something different.  As on Monday, instead of my dispensing the dating advice, we’re have have a guest expert taking the reigns for today. Loretta Jean is a writer, artistic director and -unlike me – on track to an actual doctorate and she’s here to take your questions. Let’s do this.


Take it away, Loretta.

DEAR GUEST POSTER,

I am an inexperienced nerdlady of 27 who is trying off-and-on to get some dating practice. I have some pretty vague dating goals. I used to think I wanted a long-term romantic relationship, but as I’ve gotten older I’ve become more concerned that a LTR would require me to make a bunch of compromises that I find untenable.

Namely: it doesn’t really seem like many heterosexual relationships make any significant allowances for the woman’s career traveling places. Now, I’m not the most career-driven person ever, but I do plan to get a PhD in my subject in the next couple years (the plan is to start next fall, but we’ll see how that goes) and then spend at least a few years at a company doing research in my field afterward. I’m not really sure how to date in the present moment and be open to relationships that may appear, knowing that I plan to make at least two big moves in the relatively near future (well, one year and five years), and knowing that even if I found the love of my life I wouldn’t be willing to stay where I am right now. I can think of exactly one couple I know in real life where they moved to follow her schooling/career — pretty much every other couple I know of involved either the woman giving up her career plans or maintaining a long-distance relationship until she could move to be where the dude worked.

How do women date with this kind of constraint, exactly? There’s definitely a gender component to it (I think a lot of guys are more comfortable assuming their partner will follow them, and far fewer guys are willing to put their plans on hold to follow their female partner) but a lot of it’s just a logistical problem. Can you realistically look for a long-term thing in this situation? Do you just do “short-term dating” (to use the OKC term) until such a time when you can feasibly see yourself staying in one place until future notice? How do you talk about the impending move with people you’re meeting?

Thanks,

Planning Ahead

[Read more…]

Wednesday Open Thread: Share The Love Edition

July 22, 2015 by Dr. NerdLove 69 Comments

It’s Wednesday, which means it’s time for the Doc to slip out the back and run to his dealer for his weekly comic hit. Meanwhile the NerdLove residents and interns take over the comments section for their own nefarious purposes! This week’s suggested topic:

It’s time to share the love. If you have a favorite that you think more people should know about, then it’s time to start singing it’s praises here. Whether it’s a cool webcomic, a band that deserves more exposure, a nifty indie game, a great book, a particularly kick-ass Kickstarter or just something funky that people should check out, let people know in the comments.

Here, I’ll start. Let Cowboy Mouth take away your cares and worries. Yesterday’s over, tomorrow never comes and the only thing that matters is throwing your hands up and enjoying yourself right here, right now:

You know the rules: no hate, no spam, no trolling.

Have fun!

Next Page »

About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

Connect With Dr. NerdLove

  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • RSS
  • Twitter
  • YouTube

Categories

Like Us On Facebook

Facebook Pagelike Widget

Become a Dr. NerdLove Patron

Virtual Tip Jar

private coaching is available at doctornerdlove.com/private-coaching

Out Now!

My new dating guide, New Game + is available at Amazon.com , iTunes and everywhere books are sold.

Recent Comments

  • Belinda "He went on multiple dates with her, knowing his girlfriend wouldn't have been okay with that, they kissed." Yeah, and it's not just that they went out and kissed. He developed a rapport with this...

    Our Relationship Had An Unhealthy Start. Can We Ever Move On? ·  January 16, 2021

  • One True Guest See I think this is where I'm confused. If for you this doesn't count as cheating, why would it therefore matter if your partner told you it happened? That's what I don't get. Either the person has...

    Our Relationship Had An Unhealthy Start. Can We Ever Move On? ·  January 16, 2021

  • Enail The value in telling her would be that she gets to have fully informed choice of if she wants to be in this relationship and what she needs to be able to happily do that. I can understand disagreeing...

    Our Relationship Had An Unhealthy Start. Can We Ever Move On? ·  January 16, 2021

  • Robjection
    Having been cheated on in various relationships, and I don't really consider what happened with the LW "cheating", if it's something as simple and passing as happened here, I don't need to...

    Our Relationship Had An Unhealthy Start. Can We Ever Move On? ·  January 16, 2021

  • Jimmy Two-Hammers "But you seemed to be framing it that there was something less valid or missing the point about my opinion or those of others saying similar things because we weren't addressing what was kinder, so I...

    Our Relationship Had An Unhealthy Start. Can We Ever Move On? ·  January 16, 2021

Popular Posts

What Couples Can Learn From Gomez and Morticia AddamsWhat Couples Can Learn From Gomez and Morticia Addams
Socially Awkward Isn’t An ExcuseSocially Awkward Isn’t An Excuse
Nerds and Male PrivilegeNerds and Male Privilege
On Labeling Women “Crazy”On Labeling Women “Crazy”
When Masculinity Fails MenWhen Masculinity Fails Men

Archives

Tags

abusive relationships ask dr. nerdlove attitude attraction be a better man be a better person boundaries break up cheating communication confidence dating Don't Be A Creeper emotional abuse emotional health emotional intelligence flirting level up lifestyle masculinity Meeting Women mental health oneitis online dating podcast podcasts rejection relationship maintenance relationships self-esteem self-improvement self-limiting beliefs sex sexual compatibility sexuality skills social skills talking to women the friend zone toxic masculinity toxic relationships use your words virginity what not to do youtube