Hi, Dr. NerdLove:
I read your column quite often, and I’m really hoping you can help me.
I have been in a relationship with a severe alcoholic for almost 8 years. We have a seven year old son, who is absolutely wonderful. My son’s father is a decent enough person. In fact, once upon a time, I thought I was in love. But when he drinks, he is emotionally and psychologically abusive towards me, and he is neglectful with our son. On the weekends, he starts drinking first thing in the morning, and continues all day and night through to Sunday. I have stopped sleeping in the same room as him, since I am either sexually assaulted, or I wake up in a puddle of piss. I’ll keep out all of the rest of the gory details in the name of being succinct, but suffice it to say, he is a text-book alcoholic. And to top it all off, his family blames EVERYTHING on me. And he and I are both in our 40’s.
This is my current dilemma: last Sunday, he went into the hospital because he couldn’t breathe. I didn’t hear for him for a few days, so I had to track down his mother to find out what was going on. Come to find out, he has pneumonia, a kidney infection, and his liver is starting to fail, all due to alcohol.
My problem is…I just don’t care. In fact, I do not want him to move back in with us if and when he gets out of the hospital. I know he’s not going to stop drinking, and I am very, very tired of putting up with his alcoholic bs, and getting guilt trips from his family. In fact, last year he went into detox/rehab three or four times. The last time he got out, he went to live with his mother…WHO ASKED HIM TO BUY BEER FOR HER ON A REGULAR BASIS. And still, it’s my fault.
His mother has been asking if I am going to go see him in the hospital, and I absolutely do not want to. I am so so so so pissed that he is putting my son and myself through this, and the financial burden this is putting on me. Plus, he never got around to getting health insurance, and it looks like he’ll be in the hospital for weeks.
My question is, am I a horrible person because I just don’t care anymore? His mother told me there is a chance he may not survive…and I feel nothing. If anything, I feel relieved. I don’t want him back in our lives, and if his side of the family can’t accept that, then I guess my son loses out on that side of the family. Not a single one of them asked us how we’re doing. And our son is telling people in school that he hates his father (please know I DO NOT say anything bad about his father in front of him…). I just don’t know the best way to handle this.
So Sick of His Shit