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Archives for February 2016

Nerd Role Models: Captain America and Non-Toxic Masculinity

February 29, 2016 by Dr. NerdLove 657 Comments

This week, we’re returning to the topic of masculinity and how to be a good man in an era when what it means to be a man is changing. And to look at modern masculinity, we’re going to take a look at a character from the past. A man out of time, even; dropped from his time into the present day. It’s a surprisingly common trope in fiction – using a character from the past to comment on the cultural and social mores of the present. It often ties into a belief that previous generations had it right and that ours has lost its way, as well as providing comfortable, distinct sign posts and guides for behavior.

Ironically enough, however,  this man from the past is a beacon for being a man today, rather than in his own time. I’m speaking of course of Steve Rogers, also known as Captain America.

'sup?
‘sup?

 

For a man born in the 20s and raised in the 30s, Rogers is actually an excellent example of what non-toxic masculinity in the modern day.

The Moral Core of Non-Toxic Masculinity

Steve Rodgers is an interesting exercise in contrasts. By any stretch of the imagination, Rogers is someone who benefits from the traditional ideas of masculinity. He’s a bad-ass soldier, a leader of men, a 6’2 blonde ubermensch with abs like whoah and a butt like phwoar. His upper torso looks like a damn Dorito standing on its point.

SERIOUSLY.
SERIOUSLY.

But while it’s easy to think of Rogers as someone who looks like this:

Fun fact: this wasn't in the script. Haley Atwell literally couldn't resist touching him.
Fun fact: this wasn’t in the script. Haley Atwell literally couldn’t resist touching him.

we tend to forget that he’s spent most of his life looking like this:

Looking for all the world like a strong sneeze would break him in half.
Looking for all the world like a strong sneeze would break him in half.

… and that has informed everything about his character. He’s someone who was weak who gained power but still remembers what it was like to be weak. Pre-serum Rogers was someone who recognized that he was hardly the epitome of manly perfection. But rather than becoming a ball of resentment or looking for a magic fix that would let him become an “alpha” like his best friend Bucky, he simply kept trying to move forward. His greatest strengths were his moral core and the optimism that he’d make it through eventually, no matter how much work it’d take. He’d do what was right1 regardless of the consequences to him. Would standing up to a bully end with his getting a muddy hole stomped into his spine? Probably… but he had to do it anyway. You could knock him down, but he’d get right back up again because someone had to stand up to bullies and by God he was gonna be that someone. Would the military not take him because he was 90 lbs sopping wet? Fine, he’ll keep applying until he gets in… not because he’s trying to be a badass but because he wants to help people who can’t help themselves.

It’s that moral clarity that makes Rogers, even when he’s a scrawny weakling, so compelling. When he’s given what many people would see as the dream – a body that’s literally the peak of human performance – he maintains that moral stance. Instead of leaping at the chance to make up for lost time – wrecking shit, banging chicks etc. – he focuses on doing what he always intended to do in the first place: helping others in need.

Speaking of…

The Purposes of Strength

Physical strength, a capacity for violence and the willingness to use it are among of the core tenets of toxic masculinity. Poke around forums and subreddits devoted to manliness and you’ll see the subject come up over and over again: threatening violent revenge against people who’ve wronged you, intimidating people in order to show how bad-ass you are, “bro, do you even lift?”

That is part of what makes Steve Rogers an interesting example of non-toxic masculinity. By all rights, he meets almost anyone’s definition of being an alpha male. He’s a physical beast of a man with a body like a Greek god. He’s the ultimate athlete, strong enough to rip doors off cars and shred logs with his bare hands.

GROOT! NOOOOOOO!!!
GROOT! NOOOOOOO!!!

His career, even purpose, is defined by violence. He’s a super-soldier, with the emphasis on “soldier”, having been at the forefront of America’s war against the Nazis in World War II. But what’s significant is that despite his capability to perform violence, Steve isn’t Ass-Kick McGee. He’s defined less by his strength and more by the way he uses it and why.

Steve Rogers isn’t a warrior so much as he is a guardian. His first instinct is to throw himself  into harm’s way in order to save others, regardless of whether he’ll survive or not. He quite literally threw himself on a grenade in order to save his unit during basic training. When it became clear that the only way to save the US from the Red Skull’s super-weapon, he rode that sucker into the ground in order to make sure that nobody else would get hurt. In fact, it’s pretty significant that Cap’s’ signature weapon is a shield, an inherently defensive tool. Unlike Iron Man’s laser-ejaculating hands, Thor’s enchanted hammer with its long hard handle2, Hawkeye’s flying phalloi and Banner’s rampaging Id, Steve has a disc. It’s not lingam, it’s not a yoni. It doesn’t cut, it doesn’t thrust, it doesn’t penetrate, it blocks. It’s there to protect, not to destroy. And that shield is the symbol of Steve’s rejection of violence qua violence.

In fact, he’s far more likely to try to avoid fighting if it isn’t absolutely necessary. Much like Raleigh Becket, Steve prefers to fight when it’s actually important.  Consider this moment in Captain America: Winter Soldier –

Knowing that he’s been betrayed, that he’s boxed in and that his life is in danger, he still tries to give his opponents an out. He doesn’t have any interest in hurting his opponents if he doesn’t absolutely have to. It’s only when they attack him that he responds. He gave them the choice, they chose not to take it and now it’s on.

Similarly, in The Avengers, his introduction to Tony Stark and Thor is to try to stop the fight, attempting to disarm the both of them rather than attacking directly. During the invasion of New York, Steve’s first orders are to protect and evacuate the civilians in the area. In the midst of an alien-fucking-invasion, his first instinct is to ensure the protection of the most vulnerable people around him.

As opposed to certain *other* superheroes...
As opposed to certain other superheroes (ahem)…

Steve didn’t earn his body; it was given to him. But his strength isn’t the strength of his muscles, it’s the strength of his soul and his core. He was given that power and like a certain web-head, he understands that with great power comes great responsibility. And that responsibility is to help those who can’t help themselves, not to prove how butch he is by pounding some dude’s face into goo.

But it’s not Steve’s restraint or resistance to violence that makes him an example of positive masculinity. As a matter of fact, it’s an area where, in the terms of traditional, toxic masculinity, Steve falls far short of true manliness. Ready for it?

Sex Doesn’t Make The Man

Steve Rogers is a 98-year old virgin.

In fact, we know exactly how much sexual experience Steve’s had. We’ve seen all of it. He’s been kissed three times. Once by Private Lorraine, once by Peggy Carter and once by Natasha Romanova. And that’s… pretty much it.

widow_kiss

And yet, nobody would question Cap’s status as a man, no? I mean, are you seriously going to look at someone who can quite literally command a god and say that because he’s never entered the holiest of holies (or ridden the baloney pony, for that matter) he’s less of a man for it? It’s almost as though his sexual experience has absolutely nothing to do with his masculinity…

Of course, it seems a little ridiculous that Captain fucking America couldn’t get a date, no? I mean, sure he’s got no game to speak of…

talk-to-a-woman
Ouch.

But come on, just look at him. He looks like Chris Evans! Except… Cap’s not interested in just getting his dick wet. In fact, in Winter Soldier, we learn that Steve’s been actively avoiding any intimate relationships. Natasha’s been trying to set him up with various women, and each time he’s refused – even when he’s assured that some of these women would love to date him. But that’s not what he wants. So what’s he waiting for?

The right partner.

It’s not that sex isn’t important to him, it’s that it’s not important for its own sake. It doesn’t define him. It doesn’t mean that he’s any less of a man because you can count the number of girlfriend’s he’s had on the fingers of one foot because it’s not a measure of his worth… and that’s something that’s been part of his personality since the beginning. Even back when he was Skinny Steve, he didn’t define himself by his lack of luck with the ladies. It was just a fact, like being blonde or living in Brooklyn.

But now that he’s got that body, he’s got the chance to make up for lost time, right?

Actually, let’s talk about that body for a moment.

Looks Vs. Personality

Sure, now that he has his post-serum bod and the prestige of being, y’know, Captain America, he could rack up lay after lay if that’s what he wanted. But despite the fact that his body looks like it should be carved out of marble, Steve Rogers is actually evidence of the appeal of personality over looks.

OK, let’s take a moment to stop laughing before we continue.

As absurd as it may sound, it’s Steve’s personality that makes him so appealing to women. Yes, the body certainly helps, nobody’s going to deny that. But at the end of the day, Steve came thisclose to getting his v-card punched by Peggy Carter3.

Before he became Studly Good Night.

"As soon as I get you alone, I am going to climb you like a tree..."
“As soon as I get you alone, I am going to eat you alive…”

See, while Steve may have a smoking body, he still has the personality he did when he was a scrawny kid from Brooklyn who was busy trying to defraud the US government. His body may not have been spectacular, but you couldn’t deny his heart, spirit or brains. And that’s exactly what appealed to Peggy. He was literally unfit for war, yet his sole goal was to find some way to serve his country… to the point of signing up for a potentially lethal medical experiment. But while he may have been a grunt, he didn’t define himself by his physicality. He was a problem-solver; give him an impossible task and he’ll find a way to come through… in often unexpected and unorthodox ways.

Y'know, there're a host of papers that could be written about the skinny dude knocking down the towering phallic symbol that all the beefy hunks here trying to climb...
Y’know, there’re a host of papers that could be written about the skinny dude knocking down the towering phallic symbol that all the beefy hunks were desperate to climb…

To Peggy, a woman who’s faced and overcome many barriers towards becoming a special agent of His Majesty’s Government, he’s a kindred spirt. He thinks outside the box, he sympathizes with the underdog and he never, ever gives up. And despite the fact that he’s been beaten and spit on, he has no callus on his soul. He’s not bitter about his lack of success – either in trying to become a soldier or with the ladies. He’s as genuine and good as he ever was. And when be became the manliest man of man town? He was still the same good person he was before. He didn’t become arrogant or cruel or conceited. He was the same kid from Brooklyn that caught her eye. Just a little taller. Even years down the line, Steve’s a good guy. Despite being a prime cut of beef, he’s careful and respectful around women. In Winter Soldier, he’s quick to recognize Sharon’s refusal of the use of his washing machine as a soft “no” and respects it. It’s that understanding and willingness to prioritize her comfort over his trying to get a date.

It’s significant that, in Agent Carter, we see that Peggy’s photo of Steve – the one she’s kept with her for years after his death – is of Rogers before he got swole. Big Steve may have been hot as a four-alarm fire, but it was Skinny Steve she fell in love with.

And while we’re on the subject of love…

The Need for Brotherhood

It’s significant that the other most important relationship in Steve Rogers’ life is his relationship with Bucky Barnes. In fact, the overall arc of Steve’s relationship with Bucky is one that is frequently reserved for romantic partners.

And Tumblr noticed. Credit: MaXKennedy
And the Internet noticed. Credit: MaXKennedy

But as much as Tumblr may lurve #Stucky, it actually ends up making the same mistake that isolates so many men: it conflates emotional intimacy with romance and becomes part of why so many men are starved for an emotional connection with others. Ignoring the shipping aspect4  Steve’s deep bond with Bucky is another example of non-toxic masculinity. Steve doesn’t worry about how his relationship with Bucky might be perceived – either by the world at large, by his teammates5  or even by the fellow members of his platoon. They’re not bros, they’re brothers in every way but blood and Steve doesn’t give two shits how it might come across.

Ironically, it’s the fact that Cap’s a man out of time that allows for him to have this tight connection with his childhood friend – in the 1920s and 30s the idea of men having a close, even intimate relationship wasn’t seen as a sign that one or both of them might be queer. It was just part of how men related to the people who were important to them.

In fact, it could be argued that Steve Rogers’ most important relationship isn’t with Peggy Carter but James Buchanan Barnes – his best friend since childhood and the single most important person in Captain America’s life. When Steve hears that Bucky’s platoon is captured and presumed lost, he moves Heaven and Earth in order to get them back and is apparently willing to take on the United States government (as well as his former teammates in The Avengers) to help him out. Bucky was there for Steve when Steve’s mother died. He pulled Steve’s bacon out of the fire more times than either of them could count and was always trying to look out for his friend. And ultimately, it was that intense connection that made Captain America an actual hero instead of a USO touring attraction and shiller of war bonds.

That connection couldn’t exist under the tenets of toxic masculinity.

Steve Rogers may be a man from the past. But he stands as a sterling example of positive, modern masculinity – and a role model for those who want to be better men… even without the Super Soldier Serum6 .

  1. This, incidentally is why Captain America is a classic example of Neutral Good instead of Lawful Good. Dude’ll break the law if the law is unjust. [↩]
  2. please hammer don't hurt 'em [↩]
  3. Confirmed by Haley Atwell, BTW [↩]
  4. and believe me, I get the appeal of seeing oneself represented in one of Marvel’s biggest heroes [↩]
  5. which actually gets him in trouble in the upcoming Captain America: Civil War [↩]
  6. Or in the words of Sam Wilson: “I do what he does, only slower. [↩]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Much Should I Change?

February 26, 2016 by Dr. NerdLove 75 Comments

Hey Doc, I was hoping you could maybe lend some insight on. I know your specialty isn’t women, but you’re so sex positive and respectful. I don’t know you personally, but you make me feel really comfortable and like I won’t be judged for what I express.

A lot of your pieces, especially the ones on deserving vs. entitlement and the ones on self esteem really resonated with me. I now recognize why certain relationships were toxic (a guy I was for a while who assured me he cared about me, but also made it kinda obvious that any time he spent with me that didn’t have a sexual component with it was a waste of time, but wanted me over all the time and didn’t tolerate me refusing….I couldn’t put a pin on why I just felt so drained and bad around him until you), and reasons why I let it continue (esteem issues). Here’s the issue: 

So I really like the deserving vs. entitlement article because you said that we are free to pursue fulfilling and happy relationships and they are within all our powers to have (wow, I’m actually starting to tear up a little). We deserve to make ourselves happy and content in our love lives and that it’s possible. It evokes such a strong reaction, even now, because everything in my past and current experiences tells me it can’t be true for all of us. Let me throw a twist in this. I’m a black woman born to immigrant parents, and it’s really no secret to me that a lot of people don’t find black women in general really all that pretty. I’m not mixed either, straight from Africa (Kenya), and I grew up in a fairly affluent area in an area that was predominately white and Asian and currently go to a predominantly white school. I think I’m kind of pretty and my friends do to (but you can’t listen to them…of course we gush over each other). I don’t have racial preferences in dating, but I know a lot of people automatically rule “different” out. I do feel overlooked so far and although I am into guys way more based on personality rather than physical attractiveness (do they make me feel good? Are they funny?), I feel looks are more of a deal breaker for guys. 

This is going to sound drastic, but I’ve pretty much decided on getting surgery (a nose job and forehead reduction job) because I think it will make me prettier. I’ll be out a lot of money that I’ve been saving for a while, but it’s a long term investment right? There are studies that show beautiful people reap the rewards of their beauty their whole lives. Something deep inside me feels a twang of guilt because I’ll feel like a sell out— I’d be effectively scrubbing some of the African from my features to more closely align them with the more Western standard of beauty. But I deserve to take every shot at happiness, right?

I’m just really confused and my parents don’t get it and my white peers don’t get it and I don’t know who to talk to. Is it really true that ever single person is capable of finding fulfillment in romantic relationships? Especially being a woman, a demographic who should wait to be approached since guys will approach if they’re interested and if they don’t, they clearly aren’t. I’m very into self-improvement, and am being really honest about my own failings and where I can improve in my own personal relationships, but is that enough for someone like me? I’d rather be on my own and find contentedness independently (which is what I’ve resigned myself to really) than be with someone I don’t want to be with, but the prospect of having a partner like that sure is alluring. A handful of guys have been interested in me and I’ve had sex plenty of times, but I’m really curvy (hour glass figure) and I feel like I’m good for pleasure and a fun time, but long term, no one’s really wanted to show me off/be with me in a more enduring context.

 – Standing Out (The Wrong Way?)

[Read more…]

Wednesday Open Thread: Cosplay Edition

February 24, 2016 by Dr. NerdLove 75 Comments

It’s Wednesday, which means it’s time for the Doc to lock up the office and head out to meet up with his friends in the Hong Kong Cavaliers. Meanwhile, the NerdLove interns and residents take over the comments section for their own nefarious purposes!

This week’s suggested topic:

In Monday’s column, I talked about how cosplay is one way a lot of geeks express their love of their fandom, and it’s a craft that doesn’t really get enough love. So let’s talk about cosplay: the craft, the technique, the ones you’re desperate to try some day and of course, share the finished results. Some of of my favorite examples come from Mass Effect:

This, incidentally, is Rana McNear, who as the *model* for Samara...
This, incidentally, is Rana McNear, who as the *model* for Samara…

And then there’s this group…

Images are on in the comments until 8 PM central time. You know the rules: no hate, no spam, no trolling and keep the cosplay pics SFW.

Have fun!

Geek Behaviors That Drive Women Away

February 22, 2016 by Dr. NerdLove 691 Comments

Before I get into this, I want to address the title of today’s column which implies that geekdom is inherently male. That’s actually a deliberate choice, because while we’ve made serious improvements in increasing diversity over the years, the geek community tends to still conduct itself like it’s a men’s locker room.

...and frequently smells about the same.
…and frequently smells about the same.

The problem is simple. The way many geeks conduct themselves not only reinforces all the negative stereotypes about geeks (including ones that geeks perpetuate themselves – more on this in a bit) but it also chases women away. Not, mind you, just from the community, but from people as well. Let’s be honest: unless you’re an absolute sociopath, you ain’t compartmentalizing the way you act on Reddit from the way you act in the rest of your life. Angry, shouty neckbeard or manchild isn’t a good look on anyone, so why perpetuate it even further?

But hey, if appealing to your sense of community doesn’t work, I’m always willing to lead people by their balls instead, because these behaviors are like a magic trick: they make sex disappear. So let’s talk a little about those nerd behaviors that drive women away, so we can quit doing them…

[Read more…]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: My Friend’s Giving Me The Cold Shoulder

February 19, 2016 by Dr. NerdLove 312 Comments

Doc,

Last fall I moved across country for school. I met a girl in my class and we were getting along fairly well. We would often talk during class and occasionally text outside of class. Christmas break came and we both went off to be with our families. During my travels home I saw something that I know she would like so I took a picture and sent it to her. She replied back saying that I was officially her best friend. I was okay with this because at the time I didn’t really have any friends having just moved there. A few days before New Year’s I saw that a band we both liked was coming to a venue near our school. I texted her to ask if she wanted to go and she declined “saying she would be out of town.” I found this strange knowing that we would be in class then but chucked it up to her getting the dates wrong. She did in fact go on the trip just a few weeks later. At this point though I thought things were still good between us.

Here is where they start to get murky. After New Year’s but before we went back to school I sent her a text asking if she was enjoying her break. Now sometimes it would take her a few days to respond to a text but she always did. Except this time she didn’t. I saw her in class the following week for only one day (we are in different sessions so we only see each other once or twice a week). She came in and sat down by me and we talked for a few minutes before class started. At that time I began working on a project that had to do with our respective future careers and texted her to see if she wanted in on it. Days go by and no response but I see her in class the next week and she says sorry for not getting back to me and that I should text her the details. I do this but once again she doesn’t respond. She then starts sitting away from our small little group of friends we had. This goes on for a few weeks before I finally decide to just talk to her cause I thought “hey she’s my friend.” We talk and everything seems fine and normal, we even do our thing where we communicate just with looks during class. She also told me at this time that she had been very busy so I figured that’s why she hadn’t gotten back to me on the project.

It’s now about the end of January and we are in class together. During the break I try to talk to her and she seems to be a bit cold and distant. I don’t force the issue and at the end of class simply say good bye. This was the last time we talked. She is being her normally friendly self with other people but she seems to be avoiding me.

At this point I think I should tell you about something I found out about her. After our January class finished she took her short weekend trip and posted a picture of where she was on Instagram. I liked the picture and then searched something that she had tagged and found her tumblr page. On her tumblr page I noticed that she had a lot of similar interests to me, even more than I thought, in fact it almost seems like we are in some ways very much the same. I also noticed that she would post things about getting hurt, feeling alone and wishing she was beautiful. I wanted, and still do, to tell her that I think she is the wonderful, beautiful person but I didn’t know how to say “hey I was creeping on your tumblr page the other day and blah blah blah.”

So, just this past Monday when I got to class the seat by her was empty and I took it. I said hi to everyone and she just ignored me. Another guy from our friend group asked if she had any big plans for V-day weekend. She said something like how she was expecting to get a lot of date options and she would totally be doing something. It sounded sort of sarcastic and coupled with the fact that she had posted on her tumblr a few weeks earlier about how she often faked being happy on the outside and hurting on the inside makes me almost certain she was being sarcastic. This was of course enforced when just two days ago she said that she would be spending her V-day slow dancing in her room with a mop.

Anyways last Wednesday I for some reason, basically I missed her and wanted to talk to her sent her the following text “Hey (her name), I know we see each other all the time but it seems like we haven’t talked in a while and I just wanted to say hi.” She never responded. Saw her in class this past Friday and once again she ignored me. Friday night she removed me from her Facebook friends. I see her again in class in a few days I don’t know what to say or do.

I want to tell her so much, about how I understand her feelings of loneliness and giving parts of yourself to people and them just hurting you but then I think that if she doesn’t even want to acknowledge me she surely doesn’t want anything from me and it hurts. I want to tell her how beautiful I think she is and that I want her to be truly happy. We have so much in common and I was so happy when she said we were gonna be best friends. I feel like I’ve done something to hurt her but I can’t figure out what it is.

I just don’t know what to do.

Crazed, Conflicted and Confused

[Read more…]

Next Page »

About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

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