Archives for August 2016

Introducing “It’s Dangerous To Go Alone!”

August 31, 2016 by Dr. NerdLove 34 Comments

Normally on Wednesdays I have the usual open thread, but instead, I’ve got an announcement to make.

I’ll be at Baltimore Comic-Con this weekend, and if you’re coming to the con, you should come find me at table A337. Why? Well, to start with, not only will I have some surprises at my table, I’ll also be debuting my new book “It’s Dangerous To Go Alone – A Relationship Survival Handbook”!

It's Dangerous To Go Alone_kindle

Just because you’ve started dating doesn’t mean the work’s done! It takes more than love to make a relationship work. Dating is a two-player game, and if you want it to last, you need to know how to play together. Don’t let love be the hardest difficulty setting.

Can’t make it to Baltimore this weekend? It’s also available for pre-order at Amazon!

But for those of you who will be there, we’re also having a DNL meet-up Friday, starting at 8:30 at the Hyatt Baltimore! Come meet me and your fellow fans, have a drink and celebrate the weekend in style!

It’s going to be an awesome weekend, so I hope to see you there! And remember…

It’s dangerous to go alone! Take this!

The Key To A Successful Relationship

August 29, 2016 by Dr. NerdLove 11 Comments

If you were to ask me about the one thing that determines whether a couple will have a successful relationship, I’d think you were crazy. I mean: trying to boil down all of the complexities of a relationship into one single line of advice? My average column hits 2200 words and you think I’m someone who can boil things down to a soundbite? Something you can slap on a bumper-sticker?

But as it turns out, there’s an answer. And it’s deceptively simple.

It’s how the two of you choose to look at your relationship.

One of the biggest mistakes people make is that they assume their view of reality is both accurate and objective. We tend to believe that what we see and experience is 100% exactly what’s going on in the world around us. The only time we really start to question the subjectivity of reality is after a couple of deep bong rips in college.

"Shit man, what if essence really does precede existence?" — “Shit man, what if essence really *does* precede existence?”

In reality, however, our brains lie to us all the damn time. We can only handle so much information at one time, so in order to free up space, our brains skip over things and fill in the blanks based on what we know and what we expect to happen. We filter our reality through our assumptions and preconceived notions. Part of why most automobile accidents take place within five miles of your home is because the area is so familiar to you that your brain quits paying attention and goes on auto-pilot. It fills in the blanks based on what it believes to be there. Then that pick-up comes barrelling out of nowhere and you literally didn’t see it coming.

But what does this have to do with relationships?

Well, it’s about expectations. Much as with confirmation bias, when you expect to see something or hear something, you will. The same thing applies to relationships: what you expect is what you will get. Not because the experience is manifestly different, but how you perceive and react to it will be.

Now, the big question is: how does this apply to you as a couple?

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Stop Wanting My Girlfriend’s Hot Friend?

August 26, 2016 by Dr. NerdLove 62 Comments

Hey doc,

Long time listener, first time writing yada yada.. I need your advice about girls and sex things.

I’m a 24 year old guy. I have a wonderful girlfriend whom I just shared a 4 year anniversary with, but for the past 9 – 12 months her sex drive has been basically non existent.

I’ll openly admit to having a high sex drive, and paired with hers this isn’t making me the most cheerful guy every day of the week, but I love her very much and want to make her happy. So I deal. I also know that burying this shit isn’t great, so we’ve talked in the past about why hers has dampened and not gotten a lot of progress – she doesnt know and can’t think of any real reason what it could be. No contraceptive chemistry reasons, no dramatic events and I haven’t gotten crazy fat / ugly either. I usually initiate 100% of the time, but I have tried approaches like backing off completely, giving her space and hoping she’d initiate anything and it was over 2 weeks before she brought up that “there must be something up with me because I wasn’t interested in her”.

On top of this, It’s not just the physical stuff. She doesn’t want to flirt either and though I’ve really tried to be spontaneous in stuff that isn’t bedroom related, I always feel I hit a brick wall. Despite this, we’ve talked and I truly believe her feelings towards me haven’t changed and she still loves me the same.. this is just some disconnect that’s happening.

Buckle up kiddos, because whilst I wish it was less complicated that’s only half of my issue. Whether these halves are related or not I can’t say for sure, but here goes.

I have developed a huge crush on my gf’s best friend. I’ve known her for years and I’ve always found her very attractive, but for about 3 months now I’ve done nothing but think about her. Every day. Before then I always viewed her as someone who I’d sleep with in a heartbeat if I was single, but I’m not so.. it just wasn’t an issue.

Full disclosure, we have always openly flirted. All THREE of us. Which, whilst its always been clear that nothing said has really been serious, part of me always hoped I was gonna get very lucky if ya know what I mean. This is something my girlfriend is very aware that I’ve always wanted, and to me she’s always been the first choice.

I view myself as a pretty logical guy, so I’ve thought about this from a few angles (being a reader of yours, I get that lust still happens regardless of if my brain knows I’m in a relationship or not). Whilst she’s gorgeous, we wouldn’t be compatible when it comes to dating, and a few aspects of her personality don’t match with me so like I said, up until recently it just wasn’t an issue. Relationship wise, I’m well aware she doesn’t hold a candle to what I have with my girlfriend.

But now it is an issue. How do I get it to stop thinking about her. Its been 3+ straight months. I love my gf and I don’t want to be dealing with this.

What can I do? The last girl I had romantic feelings for whilst with my current girlfriend I simply cut contact with when it passed the point of “just something in the background”. I can’t cut contact with this one.. I end up seeing her whenever my gf does – and she’s not my friend to cut contact with in the first place. Another weird feeling which I haven’t had time to process yet: tonight, as I am writing this to you, I literally just learnt the best friend has a new man in her life, and whilst her usual choices are mostly pretty scummy, this guy sounds like he’s pretty legit. I find myself consumed in both jealousy and depression that it’s not me… And that isn’t healthy for my relationship.

Way way tl:dr; Girlfriend has no sex / flirt drive which leaves me feeling pretty sexually unwanted. This has probably led to me falling deeply in lust/love with her best friend.

How do I fix both?!

Please help. I’ll take anything you got.

Yours,

Unwanted thoughts.. and body

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Wednesday Open Thread – Dream Video Game Edition

August 24, 2016 by Dr. NerdLove 43 Comments

It’s Wednesday, which means it’s time for the Doc to crack the sinister corporate conspiracies that are affecting all of our lives. Meanwhile the NerdLove interns and residents take over the comments section for their own nefarious purposes! This week’s suggested topic:

It’s 2017 and the video game industry is in a death spiral. The apocalypse has finally come and the studios are in dire shape. EA has collapsed into nothingness. Blizzard Entertainment has divided into factions fighting a bitter internecine war between the Overwatch and Warcraft devs. Cliffy B’s broken both of his arms in a bizarre X-Games incident. Miyamoto was last seen diving down a pipe and hasn’t been seen in weeks. Star Citizen is facing sanctions as attempts to claim soverign status as the first Internet-based nation. The last anyone’s seen of the BioWare head honchos, they were running for the Mexican border in a car loaded with cash and guns and the only sound coming from Ken Levine’s office is the unnerving “click” of a hammer falling on a revolver’s empty chamber.

The only person left to save the games industry is… you.

mankind2 You’ve got a AAA game’s resources and budget and a creative blank check from the publishers.

What do you do. What do you do??

Share your ideas in the comments section below. You know the rules: no hate. No spam. No trolling.

Have fun!

How To Talk To Women On Social Media

August 22, 2016 by Dr. NerdLove 445 Comments

In my time, I’ve been lucky enough to make friends with a number of awesome women who’ve been in the public eye. From cosplayers to fetish pin-ups, burlesque dancers to lingerie models and the occasional reality TV star, much of their careers involved a heavy online presence. At the same time, being friends with them gave me a front row seat to the horny dudes hitting on them.

Of course, this behavior isn’t restricted to women in the public eye. Almost every woman with a social media presence and pictures online has experienced thirsty guys wanting to talk about how she makes his penis feel. Or the guys who precede trying to talk to women by going through her entire social media presence. Or just sliding into a stranger’s DMs and expecting to get a date out of it.

I’ve taught a lot of guys about how to talk to women, online and in person. One of the most common questions I get from guys is “how do I get this woman on Facebook/Twitter/Instagram to go out with me?” Now, if you’ve been reading my column for long enough, you know how I feel about using Facebook to try to pick up women. But as social media continues to become our main form of communication, it feels incumbent upon me to give some guidelines on how to thirst online responsibly. Here’s how you can talk to women online without being a creeper in the process.

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