• Archives
  • Contact Me
  • The Secret Origin of Dr. NerdLove
  • Dr. NerdLove Store
  • Dr. NerdLove’s Affiliate Store

Paging Dr. NerdLove

Love, Sex and Dating For The Modern Nerd

Search The Archives

  • Books
  • Podcasts
  • The Grimes Test
  • Ask Dr. NerdLove
  • The Basics
  • Private Coaching
  • Contact Me

Archives for September 2016

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Is My Girlfriend Cheating On Me?

September 30, 2016 by Dr. NerdLove 64 Comments

Hi there Doc.

I’ve been in a steady, loving and deeply fulfilling relationship with my girlfriend for 10 months. Initially, I had some minor trust issues stemming from…details in her background that didn’t quite match up (please keep in mind that I was raised as a man in a deeply chauvinistic and misogynistic latin american society, it doesn’t excuse me but it’s hard to shake off): she claimed (unprompted, over and over again) that she wasn’t really that much into sex (until I “cured her of that” after a month of dating) and that she had been with 2, 3 men at tops. However, many cliched “signs” that seemed to contradict this were pointed out to me by a specially sexist friend of mine; she smokes, she’s inked, she drinks like a sailor, smokes weed, I met her on Tinder, she’s extremely outgoing and has a ton of male friends in the art and music world, she’s had bisexual experiences, she’s a model, aaand she’s “made out with” or “had crushes or flings” with a not-insignifcant number of our mutual acquaintances, including two very close friends. Many of these things I actually really liked about her, as I like independent women, but like I said, misogynist friend (however he was the one to suggest that I should make her my serious GF). I honestly don’t think I’d have a problem if she were to outright tell me that she hasn’t had an exactly sexless past; after all, she’s with me now, right? However, the seeming contradiction between her words and my prejudices did irk me a bit for what I thought had been only a while…

I mentioned to her about how when I’m in a serious relationship I’m deeply committed and don’t tolerate infidelity, and she agreed saying that she’s the same. This was early on during our history when out of the blue she asked me what were my thoughts on open relationships (I told her that they don’t work 99% of the time). Things were really good, and after some very, very, VERY minor skerfuffles over my doubts at the start things were going swimmingly well. “We’re gonna have fucking babies” (literal quote) level well.

Fast forward 6 great months into the future. Ever since the start of our relationship I had been clear about my plans to study in a foreign country (I’m an MD looking to enter a medical residency); as time went on and I saw how well things were going, I pledged to her that I’d be taking her along with me, as I REALLY want to. Well, 6 months in, I had to start an intensive 4 month training course for my residency exam with an extremely heavy study load. I was clear to my GF that I wouldn’t be able to do much during that time period and that I’d be seeing a lot less of her; however she insisted on seeing me on a nearly daily basis, to the point that at one point she had practically moved in with me into my parent’s house. This did irk me a bit; like I said, I was practically isolated during this time period, I wanted her to have fun and go out with her friends so as to not strain the relationship and besides I did need my space for study matters. I told her we should dial it down a bit, but we still went on seeing each other in a slightly less regular basis. Needless to say, moods were occasionally ranked due to the situation.

During this stressful 4 month period, an opportunity for her to take a 2 month course in a college campus in India (a timezone 12 hours apart) suddenly came up at her work. I insisted she should take it as at the very least it’d be a great travel opportunity, I even helped her filling out some paper work. Her departure date was coincidentally the same as the date I’d be leaving to take my exam…things seemed to be going well, the day before we left we went on a date, exchanged hand crafted letters (hers, beautiful, mine crappy looking in comparison but not for lack of trying and yes we’re both 29) and we agreed on staying in touch via Skype or Facetime or whatever as much as possible during our time apart.

Things were going alright for the first couple of weeks (when I was in the aforementioned foreign country); communication was hard because I had to use wi-fi hotspots to stay in touch and I spent my entire day running errands in a city, but there was effort on her part (lots of missed calls) and hence, we managed to stay in touch. This gradually tapered off, (and I was a bit vocal about my displeasure) but I chalked it down to the problems with internet access we were both dealing with and was sure things would pick up when I went back to my country and my GF got her hands on a SIM card as she told me she would.

As you’ve probably guessed, this didn’t exactly happen. It’s been little over a week, we both have round the clock internet and it’s just harder and harder to communicate. I’ve told her about this, to the point that I feel like a nag, but she doesn’t seem to care. We text sporadically, but forget about phone calls (which we only make at about 1-3 AM when she shows up at her dorm, and then I have to practically beg her to call me) and it’s just excuse after excuse for her not fielding said calls or cutting them abruptly short (her roommate is there, she’s too tired to talk at 12 AM even though she’s constantly going to sleep at 3-4 AM even during weekdays, etc.); forget about Skype or anything else.

To add to my paranoia, she constantly keeps mentioning a cool new foreign musician friend of hers, with whom she apparently goes everywhere with. I was fine with this, and I was fine when she posted an innocent looking picture of her and him on a certain social media platform, but then I saw him macking on her in the comments (one heart smiley laden one where he said she “was sssooo beatiful and soooo nice” and another one where the guy’s mother (!) and him posted a series of heart smileys) and I lost it. I asked her what was up with that and she said that the guys is probably gay and his being so complimentary is simply cultural…

Now, I’m not gonna lie and said that I’ve never felt tempted by another woman during my relationship, but even during my recent trip I didn’t act on it (even though I had my chances) because I care more about what we’re supposedly building with my GF. This is where those supposedly buried trust issues came bubbling back…

I realize the fact that I’m in a bit of a void right now (I spent my last 4 months pushing friends and family away pretty much, I’m broke due to travel expenses, I have no job currently and most of my friends are abroad anyway) and the additional fact that I didn’t do as well in the exam as I needed to might be making me really needy and vulnerable, but do you think my feelings of consternation are completely unfounded? Or am I simply a prude that’s just not fit for “modern relationships” where time apart seems to be a green pass for screwing around?

Long Distance Lost

[Read more…]

Wednesday Open Thread: Most Important Hero Edition

September 28, 2016 by Dr. NerdLove 9 Comments

It’s Wednesday, which means it’s time for the Doc to don the cape and cowl and answer the Nerd Signal shining in the sky. Meanwhile the NerdLove interns and residents take over the comments section for their own nefarious purposes!

This week’s suggested topic:

Luke Cage drops into Netflix this Friday and all signs point to it being awesome.

Sweet Christmas...
Sweet Christmas…

Luke Cage has been an important hero and character for a lot of people, for a number of reasons. Which is why I want to toss the question out to you, my readers: who’s the most important hero to you in fiction? What hero – super or otherwise – has had the biggest impact in your life? Who’s inspired you, moved you or otherwise touched you in some important way?

Share your thoughts in the comments below.

You know the rules. No hate, no spam, no trolling. Have fun!

Self-Acceptance vs Self-Improvement (And Why You Need Both)

September 26, 2016 by Dr. NerdLove 1,099 Comments

Last week, I wrote about how being nice wasn’t enough, in and of itself. This kicked off a number of discussions, one of which focused around the idea of self-acceptance. After all, I’ve made it a point that self-acceptance is important and how believing in magic cures can actually hinder you in your progress when it comes to any sort of self-improvement.

At the same time however, it brings up the question: doesn’t needing to be more than just nice conflict with the idea of self-acceptance? After all, wouldn’t changing imply that you’re not accepting of yourself?

"C'mon, you have to admit he got you there, Doc."
“C’mon, you have to admit he got you there, Doc.”

Well… not really. In fact, self-acceptance is an important part of self-improvement. Without one, you can’t really have the other.

Confused? Well let me explain.

[Read more…]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Does Money Ruin Everything?

September 23, 2016 by Dr. NerdLove 110 Comments

Hey Doc,

I was trying to dig through your archive but I didn’t find anything on dating with a class disparity. A bit of context, up until the last few months I had all but resigned myself to the gauntlet of dating apps and coffee dates that go next to no where. Nevertheless being the filial son I kept assenting to arranged meetings that my mother insists upon. It’s a modified version of what used to go on in my East Asian culture but generally it’s to allow the parents to gauge the potential of the match and take measure of the other family. For the most part things on this front went no where, but it did placate my mother who has increased the number of inquiries due to the fact that I am 31 and seemingly can’t catch on with anyone. Still life is funny in that I did meet someone who actually reciprocates (let’s call her Sheryl). Unfortunately it seems that our meeting was never intended because the intended person decided at the last minute to decline. The matchmaker, not wanting to waste a dinner reservation, called up Sheryl. The unintended part isn’t the problem but my mother being far thinking nosy person that she is has started warning me that there is a class difference and has not so subtly intimated that this other match (let’s call her Mirage) who I have yet to meet would work out better because Mirage will soon graduate from fancy Ivy League University. 

I don’t mean to make my mother out to be some odious Tiger Mom because I do respect her greatly as she was the mastermind and driving force that lead our extended family into the middle class after the leaving rural China in aftermath of the Cultural Revolution. As a 12 year military veteran I recognize that my mom is dangerously savvy because not every immigrant goes from English challenged food server with only a high school diploma to senior water plant engineer and landlord. Still I know she’s not the Oracle of Delphi, but I am certain that class differences will be an issue eventually.

So what should I do to manage this difference in class? Due to a misplaced debit card on a Sunday and playing phone tag and site navigation with her bank I did learn that Sheryl doesn’t have enormous credit card debt and that she has some small savings. I should be happy for Sheryl that she has money of her own, but now I feel very guilty when she pays for an occasional meal. Are we supposed to have a frank conversation about money? Am I fool for being very taken with her two months in (we tend to spend both Saturday and Sunday of every week together in some fashion)? One of the silver linings about being in a dating stalemate meant that I was able to amass a dating fund surplus so how far should I insist on paying for things when I am willing and more than able?

I don’t often meet women who are willing to suffer baseball, help me explain things to my grandfather, and not get critical about my basement of unorganized nerd stuff.  Rarer still to meet a woman who makes a habit of getting up close in my personal space, which I find incredibly, perhaps stupidly, hot. Granted there is a communications bump as her fluency in spoken English isn’t yet able to properly espouse the merits of Rin and Sesshoumaru and my fluency in spoken Chinese isn’t able to recite the Analects, but she makes going to Target fun. I’d never thought I would feel this intensely for someone ever again, but it’s happening.

I know there is also a honeymoon phase in play, but all the same, one month in and every first date with other women felt like a job interview for a position I no longer wanted. As for the speed of events, I guess being culturally compliant meant that there never was an awkward trust building phase as our parents already met and were character witnesses. So any ideas on how to talk about money and when it’s appropriate to do financial disclosures?

– Troubled Zentran

[Read more…]

Wednesday Open Thread: Cosplay Appreciation Edition

September 21, 2016 by Dr. NerdLove 15 Comments

It’s Wednesday, which means it’s time for the Doc to finish working on his functioning EVA-01 outfit for Halloween. Meanwhile, the NerdLove interns and residents take over the comments section for their own nefarious purposes! This week’s suggested topic:

Halloween is coming! In, like, a month! That means it’s time to be putting some serious thoughts into your costume. And what better way to get in the costuming mood than to look at what some amazing cosplayers have put together?

Eternity?? Someone get him some stitches because that is A DEEP CUT.
Eternity?? Someone get him some stitches because that is A DEEP CUT.
overwatch
Please notice the careful inclusion of Doritos and Mountain Dew…

(Images via Gamespot)

So share some of your favorite cosplay in the comments – your own or others – and let’s talk about what you’re planning on being for Halloween.

Also!

Are you a cosplayer in the LA/SoCal area? Would you like to be an extra in a movie? Two good friends of mine are shooting a short film set at a con and are looking for cosplayers for the backgrounds.

Shooting dates are 10/8 and 10/12. Have questions? Interested in participating? Hit up their line producer Will Haley at willhalley@gmail.com


Meanwhile, you know the rules. No hate, no spam, no trolling. Have fun!

 

Next Page »

About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

Connect With Dr. NerdLove

  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • RSS
  • Twitter
  • YouTube

Categories

Like Us On Facebook

Facebook Pagelike Widget

Become a Dr. NerdLove Patron

Virtual Tip Jar

private coaching is available at doctornerdlove.com/private-coaching

Out Now!

My new dating guide, New Game + is available at Amazon.com , iTunes and everywhere books are sold.

Recent Comments

  • Jimmy Two-Hammers There are also quite a few women who are attracted to genderqueer and gender non-conforming individuals. The article doesn't at any point suggest anyone pursue being a himbo, or convert to himboism...

    Why Do Women Love “Himbos”? ·  April 13, 2021

  • Jimmy Two-Hammers "I think this is getting besides the point; my point" I was replying to Gallowglass "my point is that either way some kind of performance of hegemonic masculinity (whether physical or behavioral) is...

    Why Do Women Love “Himbos”? ·  April 13, 2021

  • Soren I wouldn't go that far: Let's not forget the progress we have made.

    Why Do Women Love “Himbos”? ·  April 13, 2021

  • Soren I think this is getting besides the point; my point is that either way some kind of performance of hegemonic masculinity (whether physical or behavioral) is expected of MLW who want to see success...

    Why Do Women Love “Himbos”? ·  April 13, 2021

  • fuzzilla Yeah, she doesn't sound genuinely sorry. She wants a certain outcome, wants the apology to be a tit for tat thing ("If this stupid b**** would just forgive me, I could get my husband back," as if her...

    Gossip Is Ruining My Relationship. What Should I Do? ·  April 13, 2021

Popular Posts

What Couples Can Learn From Gomez and Morticia AddamsWhat Couples Can Learn From Gomez and Morticia Addams
Socially Awkward Isn’t An ExcuseSocially Awkward Isn’t An Excuse
Nerds and Male PrivilegeNerds and Male Privilege
On Labeling Women “Crazy”On Labeling Women “Crazy”
When Masculinity Fails MenWhen Masculinity Fails Men

Archives

Tags

abusive relationships ask dr. nerdlove attitude attraction be a better man be a better person boundaries break up cheating communication confidence dating Don't Be A Creeper emotional abuse emotional health emotional intelligence flirting level up lifestyle masculinity Meeting Women mental health oneitis online dating podcast podcasts rejection relationship maintenance relationships self-esteem self-improvement self-limiting beliefs sex sexual compatibility sexuality skills social skills talking to women the friend zone toxic masculinity toxic relationships use your words virginity what not to do youtube