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Archives for March 2017

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Was I Right To Leave Her?

March 31, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 203 Comments

Hey Doc. I’ve been reading your articles a lot lately and they are so reasonable that I thought to myself that maybe you could put some reason in my head as well.

You see, to be really short, I met a perfect girl about a year and a half ago, or so I thought. She told be about her male friend from Spain whom she met while she was on her student exchange. We started dating in December 2015, I told her I loved her in April 2016. In March she went to see this Spanish friend. She said that they arranged this visit before she met me. I didn’t protest, I didn’t want to limit her, I wanted to be perfect for her. In May she went with him for two weeks to New York. Same justification – “we arranged it before I met you”. Spoiler – she was lying. In June she told me that she loved me back and she has never met with him ever since. And I can tell you it was true, her feeling. Maybe I’m naive but she did love me, I’m quite sure.

Fast forward to September 2016 – I got an e-mail from somebody. Turns out the spanish friend was her “fuck friend”. The e-mail contained all their conversations on facebook and all their e-mails. Moreover, in this e-mail there was a spreadsheet which documented all their trips and all the times they had sex. They were awarding themselves points for each intercourse, each blowjob etc. and also some bonus points for other things like sex in the shower or sexy lingerie. Of course, the March and May trips were also there.

I broke up in October 2016. She was so sorry. And she lured me back. I came back. She became perfect. She threw out (but only then) all the postcards she received from him, all the lingerie sets he bought for her. She was literally a dream girlfriend. But I didn’t forgive and didn’t forget. I couldn’t. But I still loved her and I still do. And I tried really hard to find a way in which it would work, but I didn’t. After a couple of months of hesitating and fighting with my love and my hatred for her, I gave up, I walked away two weeks ago.

Now, please remember that it’s a really, really short story, but to sum it up: she lied in my face about her relationship with him. She went twice to see him and have sex with him, even a few days after I told her I loved her. She continued to talk to him on facebook after she told me she loved me. And they had this “spreadsheet” game of awarding themselves points for fucking.

And after I walked away, I read your article about what you can do with cheating. How you can survive it but you have to forgive. How it’s possible to maintain a relationship after betrayal, even though it’s gonna be a completely different relationship. And you also wrote that the acts of cheating are not equal.

My question is: was this the kind of an “unforgivable” cheat? Was this the right decision to leave her? I know that it’s something that I have to determine eventually, but I wanted your say on this as an expert. I still love her and frankly, if there was a way to make this work, I would. I would like to forgive her, but even if I could – would this be a wise decision considering the above details? If you’re willing to forgive something like that, should you then always take the road of forgiveness? Or perhaps forgiveness and staying with her would be a wrong decision, no matter what.

Right now we’re at the stage where she wrote to me how much she misses me and how much she is not able to live right now. I also replied a couple of times about how hard it is for me. And a few days later, her tone changed – she was very unemotional, saying that she thought things over and that because of her “emotional destruction” after I left, she lost a lot of time at work and she can’t afford it anymore. And that we can meet and talk but it’s either we try or we stop all contact with each other. And I got mad – I wanted to know that she still suffers like I do, that she cares. That she actually has no right to dictate such terms, because she destroyed the relationship. And I panicked because I realised that it would probably mean no contact. Suddenly “the ball” was in her court and it freaked me out.

You should know that I feel guilty because of this breakup. I have a feeling that there was a way to stay with her, but I couldn’t find it. Your article made me think that maybe, if I want to stay with her, I should try to forgive her, no matter what she did. Also, you wrote about the difference between what you want to do and what you’re supposed to want. It’s true – all my friends tell me to dump her, go nuclear and break all possible contacts with her. I, on the other side, still love her despite what she did and would love to get back with her and forgive her. But despite the fact whether I could forgive her or not, would this be a wise decision considering what she did?

In other words – I am seeking confirmation that it was a right decision to leave her. Even a simple Yes or No would do.

Thank You,
Not A Special One

[Read more…]

Paging Dr. NerdLove Episode #22 – Behaviors That Kill Attraction

March 30, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 348 Comments

This week, we’re going to be talking about an issue a lot of men letting their behavior ruin any attraction they’ve built up with women. This is something I see happen all the times when guys have started to get better with women and social skills – they have a decent or even strong start but end up shooting themselves in the foot. They may get past the initial hurdles but end up killing any attraction they’d built up and and turning a “hell yes” into an “oh no”. 

It doesn’t matter whether it’s a matter of getting a first date, a third date or even just bringing someone home, there’s no such thing as a sure thing. No matter how much somebody may be into you at first, it’s still entirely possible to choke and end up snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.

Here are some of the the biggest ways you end up being your own worst enemy and killing the interest people may have in you.

Show Highlights:

  • Why confidence ties into all aspects of attraction
  • Why he who hesitates, loses
  • The most common mistake men make about attraction
  • How your bachelor pad can also be your Fortress of Solitude
  • The most important thing you can do to keep your apartment from chasing away women
  • The one thing most men do that turns a sure thing into a definite “nope”

… and so much more.

Related Links:

5 Things Men Do That Make Them Less Attractive

The Science of Nice Guys and Assholes

Building Attraction: Which Matters More, Looks or Personality?

Finding True Confidence

Geek Behaviors That Turn Women Off

Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes and on Stitcher.

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

 

Find Your Community

March 27, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 294 Comments

I have a question for you: where is your community? Where do you find your crowd, your squad, your team? Who do you look to to feel part of something greater than yourself? Who do you have in your life who lifts you up when you’re down? Where do you feel the most connected to others?

And Reddit doesn’t count.

Odds are… you don’t actually have much of a community. In fact, odds are good that you may have noticed the people you are close to are dwindling rapidly.

In fact: since the 80s, we have been increasingly disconnected from the world around us. Many people have no close friends at all.

It’s ironic that, at a time when we are more connected than ever, we are also more isolated than ever before. Despite the almost infinite number of ways to reach out to others, we are lonelier that we’ve ever been. We need more than just ways to stay in contact with people; we need to connect with them. Humans are social animals. We have a need to belong. We need a community, and most of us are drifting through life alone.

So how do you find your community?

[Read more…]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Was I The Bad Guy?

March 24, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 190 Comments

Hello Doc!

I wanted to ask if you could help me out with something. This is my first time writing to you, although sadly this letter is probably a few years too late. I have done some terrible things.

Back in October 2015, I was talking to a girl on Twitter, she is the same age as me( 18 at the time). I will just call her D. We have never met in person and live in different countries ( I live in the UK and she lives in Norway) and first started talking a year earlier. It was obvious she only talked to me because she pitied me. I was very needy and insecure. I asked her out earlier that year which was stupid as we live in different countries and couldn’t have dated anyway. She politely said no. I messaged her back but didn’t here back from her. I didn’t hear from her for about six months, until I created a twitter account just to get in touch with her.

Anyway, so it was October 2015 and while talking to her as myself, I created a new twitter account under a fake name to talk to her. I originally created this in order to talk to her anonymously and not have to worry about what I wrote to her. Anyway, I couldn’t resist asking about her boyfriend. After, I asked about him once I couldn’t stop probing her about him. I asked to see a photograph of him, and then ignored her first attempts to refuse to give me that picture. Also, while I was doing this I hunted down a photograph some guy who she may or may not have been dating in order to compare myself to him. I asked some guy she was friends with on twitter tons of questions about D, such as whether or not they talked about me and even asked if he thought she and her best friend ever had sex. The exact question was,”Do you think D and her best friend ever lezzed off before?”. At the time, I thought this was a okay thing to ask. He said that was creepy and refused to keep talking to me for a bit.

I eventually admitted to D that it was me and we stopped talking for a short while. I offered to leave her alone, and she then took me up on it. I eventually messaged her again anyway.

I was recently re-reading a conversation I had with a Woman on Quora about this (which is what inspired me to write to you). She was trying to convince me that this was cyber stalking and would have frightened her a lot. She even advised me to write to you. I didn’t want to believe I had stalked, as that would probably have meant I had no chance with her, and knew what you would say, so I refused. She said she knew I would do this as I had too much staked on my self image as having not done the wrong I have really done. She eventually cut contact with me as she promised she would if I messaged D or her friends, without letter her get in touch with me first.

Back in October 2016 I insulted her as I was desperate for attention from her. I messaged many times after that and never got a response. I had bad day, and I logged on to the internet and began insulting a bunch of people. A bunch of people who had been good to me, including D. I regretted doing this and when I went to apologize she had already replied. She told me she had been busy with work and uni and a family member of hers had just died. She told me she was disappointed in me and said she no longer wanted to talk to me anymore.

I left her alone for two months. Until I messaged her again. This time the message was much bigger and more insulting. In the message, I said things like how I only wanted to give her multiple orgasms( this was intended to be a ridiculous thing to say, not serious, but I don’t realise it had rape connotations). I also told how I was jealous of her boyfriend and wished I was more like him. I also called her boyfriend a “cuck” and insulted him several times and insulted D once. I didn’t think about what I was doing and it seemed like a good idea at the time. I originally was just some something ridiculous about her boyfriend and I thought I could provoke her into responding to me. I felt entitled to talk to her and couldn’t stand it that she didn’t want to talk to me.

The next morning, I tried to apologize and try to convince her not to block me. In the end, I ended up writing a bunch of mumbo jumbo. And then she blocked me anyway. Of course, I know I completely deserved to be blocked and I am probably lucky that’s all she did. At first I was okay with it. And I felt like a huge weight had been lifted of my shoulders. In the next hour or so, reality set in. I had realized what a terrible thing I had done and that I would never get a fix of my fantasy girl ever again. I panicked and created another twitter account and begged her to message me. She blocked me and I created another account. She ignored and then I gave up. I curled up into a ball for a while and it was one of the worst days of my life Only do the same thing again a week later early January. I tweeted her the next morning on the third fake account, I apologized for what I did and promised never to contact her. again. That was on the 4th of January and the last time I contacted her. Although, I had been tempted to add her on Facebook messenger a few times, but I knew it was wrong and thought about she wanted for once. So I didn’t do it.

Again, not trying to paint myself as a victim here, but I do deeply regret what I did and I know that sort of behaviour is completely unacceptable. She was very sweet person as well which makes my treatment towards her even worse. I have only been able to accept what I did was stalking until recently, when I knew I definitely wouldn’t hear from her again. I had too much staked on my self image as having not done the wrong thing I had done. Now that I have stopped lying to myself and accepted how poorly I treated her, all I feel is grief.

Anyway, I wanted to ask you

What do you think of my behaviour?

Do you think she was frightened by how I behaved? Does she probably think I would beat and rape her if given the chance?( I wouldn’t obviously)

Also, do you have any advice for me to help make sure I never behave this way again?

Thanks a lot Doc!

Yours Sincerely

C-Creepyo

[Read more…]

Paging Dr. NerdLove Minsiode #21 – How To Save Your Relationship

March 23, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Pop culture loves to talk about the early days of a relationship… but is often mum about what happens after the couple gets together. As a result, we have thousands of models of how love starts, but very little for how to keep it going. Every relationship eventually leaves the honeymoon period, and that’s when the work needs to start. If you want to make love last, you have to know how and where to put in the work because, like the song says: love just ain’t enough.

Show Highlights:

  • Why pop culture loves beginnings and endings to relationships but rarely the parts in between
  • How criticism can turn love into contempt
  • Why “should” is the worst word in a long-term relationship
  • The mistake most couples make with date night
  • The one small change to keep love exiting

…and so much more.

Related Stories: 

What Couples Can Learn from Gomez and Morticia Addams

How Better Communication Can Save Your Relationship

The Key To A Successful Relationship

It’s Dangerous To Go Alone: A Relationship Survival Handbook

Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes and on Stitcher.

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

Next Page »

About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

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Recent Comments

  • Belinda "He went on multiple dates with her, knowing his girlfriend wouldn't have been okay with that, they kissed." Yeah, and it's not just that they went out and kissed. He developed a rapport with this...

    Our Relationship Had An Unhealthy Start. Can We Ever Move On? ·  January 16, 2021

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    Our Relationship Had An Unhealthy Start. Can We Ever Move On? ·  January 16, 2021

  • Enail The value in telling her would be that she gets to have fully informed choice of if she wants to be in this relationship and what she needs to be able to happily do that. I can understand disagreeing...

    Our Relationship Had An Unhealthy Start. Can We Ever Move On? ·  January 16, 2021

  • Robjection
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    Our Relationship Had An Unhealthy Start. Can We Ever Move On? ·  January 16, 2021

  • Jimmy Two-Hammers "But you seemed to be framing it that there was something less valid or missing the point about my opinion or those of others saying similar things because we weren't addressing what was kinder, so I...

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