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Archives for April 2017

Ask Dr. NerdLove: I Was A Creeper, How Do I Fix it?

April 28, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 146 Comments

Dear Doc,

I’m going to start by saying I think you writing is just great, you bring knowledge PUA yet at same time temper it with real sensitivity and respect for women. Your article ‘Creep Week – How to reform creeper’ resonated with me deeply and I’ll think you’ll see why once I share the story of a recent screw up I made. And, boy did I screw up. Over the past decade I have been, nearly all the time in long term relationships. At the very start of each these relationships I did something for the girl in question, which had always been appreciated and enjoyed by them. I would write a short story – erotic fiction – that would feature both of us and be explicit but nothing too kinky. This would invariable take the relationship to a sexual place very quickly nearly every time.

My last girlfriend (of ~3 years) was a sexually liberated woman who put me in touch with my dominant side. She would often encourage me to be more extreme in bed especially in the things I would say to her. She ended the relationship about 2 months ago.

I joined tinder and started dating again about 3 weeks ago.

I met a very attractive girl, who gave me her no, we texted each other for a while and she asked me to connect on facebook with her. When I asked her on a date seemed genuinely excited at my proposition. The first date went about as well as you could expect, we had a meal, talked for hours and kissed at the ended, arranging to met a few days later for lunch.

Lunch date went well and she invited me over to her place Tuesday the following week, and I said I would cook for her.  And this is where I made the 1st big mistake. Yes, you guessed it, I went her wrote an erotic fiction short story. I asked for her email address saying that I had written something for her that would be unsuitable for work. I sent it.

She texted back saying that it was weird and she didn’t want to see me again and unfriended me on facebook.

2nd mistake
I tried to apologize by email but guess I had not fully realized the distress I had caused this girl, or was apologizing for the wrong reasons. She replied to the email saying i was a creep and a pervert. She told me what I had written was an ’emotional invasion of privacy of such a personal nature’. She said if I came near her or tried to contact her again she would have up on a sexual harassment charge.

It was only once I read that I completely understood what I had done.

I had completely and utterly, rode rough-shod over this girl’s boundaries and committed a criminal act in the process.

Lessons I learned from this:

Never, ever again will I send a girl erotic fiction unless I have their expressed permission to send them explicit written material.

Slow the hell down and learn to chill.

My questions to you doc are:

  • I am broken? Is my inability to recognize and respect this girl’s very basic and obvious boundaries a sign that I should seek professional help? Bear I mind that I not been called or acted like (I think) a creep in over a decade.
  • I know I should not use excuses for my behavior but do you think I could have been carrying around behavior I had learned from my last long term relationship, which was deeply sexual in nature?
  • Should I not date for a while, get myself off tinder and just spend some time by myself? I still feel a desire for intimacy in my life and I miss the emotional and physical connection of being with someone. I am currently dating, in contact with a few women, nothing serious yet though.
  • How can I be more aware of a woman’s boundaries so I don’t push past them again and balance that with the dominant sexual side of my personality that has been awoken by my last relationship?
    Or is that dominant side the source of my new creepiness and something I should be seeking to rid myself of?

Regards

Creeps Anonymous

[Read more…]

Paging Dr. NerdLove Episode #26 – How To Conquer Shyness

April 27, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 4 Comments

A lot of people tend to let shyness get in the way of their social success – especially at times when they would long to meet other people. Fortunately, shyness isn’t an immutable or permanent part of who you are. While it feels like it’s a core part of your personality, shyness is something that you can overcome. Understanding why we feel shy around some people and how to fix that will help you become the social, gregarious person you long to be. 

Show Highlights:

  • Why shyness isn’t the same as introversion and why it’s important to recognize the difference
  • Recognizing the roots of shyness
  • Why “opposites attract” is completely wrong
  • Why somebody’s perceived social value makes us shy around them
  • The quickest way to get comfortable with a stranger

and so much more.

Related Links:

5 Secrets to Make People Like You

How To Be a High-Status Man

Level Up: Facing Your Dating Fears

How To Make Small Talk (For People Who Hate Small Talk)

Don’t Let Your Fear Hold You Back

Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes and on Stitcher.

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

Meet Women Effortlessly

April 24, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 197 Comments

How often do you wish that you could meet women without having to work at it? What about if new and amazing women would just be a part of your life, with barely any effort on your part? Odds are you’d be pretty down with that idea, wouldn’t you? After all, one of the hardest parts of meeting women is, simply, doing so in a way that feels authentic to who you are. Not everybody is going to feel comfortable going to bars or clubs after all. Many may have a hard time just approaching strangers. Cold approaches are a valuable skill to learn – and one I highly recommend – but they’re not the only way or even the best way to meet women. Even online dating, for all of its convenience, can be difficult for people.

“YOU HAVE BETRAYED ME FOR THE LAST TIME, TINDER!”

But it is possible to meet women in a way that feels authentic and utterly effortless. With a little preparation on your part, you can live a life that will bring amazing women into your orbit in a way that is as natural as breathing.

Ready to get started?

[Read more…]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Help, I’m Addicted To Porn!

April 21, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 165 Comments

Hi Doc, I’m a big fan. I’ve been reading your work on and off for years, and it’s helped me make a lot of sense of stuff. Thanks for what you’re doing, and please keep up the good work.

I have a problem that I think is unfortunately pretty normal, but I’m not entirely sure how to find resources to counter it that don’t simultaneously demonize it. I have a really hard time not looking at porn when I’m alone.

I know your stance on porn addiction, and I’m inclined to agree with it. I don’t mean that looking at porn, in and of itself, is the problem. I’m a healthy, red blooded dude, I’m not asexual, porn is going to happen. And this isn’t yet to the point where I think most folks would say it’s affecting my life, because it hasn’t yet started affecting my job. I’ve never looked at porn at the office or in a public place. From what I’ve read, that’s one of the main markers of addiction.

Thing is, I would argue that it is affecting my life, and has been for almost as long as I’ve had access to it- it’s just that I’m either so good at hiding it that nobody realizes, or people have noticed something is wrong but haven’t said anything out of propriety. I’m consistently late for things, my sleep schedule isn’t regular, and I haven’t been on a date in years. I’ve also never had penetrative sex, because I haven’t been able to get it up when with a woman.

It’s hard to know where to start with all of this, because it’s been a part of my life for so long I can barely imagine what things were like without it. I was touching myself I think as young as eight without really knowing what I was doing, and I was looking at porn in the days of dialup before my parents cottoned on to what the internet meant for me. I’ve had a very strong libido my whole life, and I found porn before I figured out how to talk to girls. It was just always so much easier.

I’m not saying I’ve been a complete martyr to this- I’ve assembled some accomplishments I’m proud of, in spite of it. I have a good job, and I’ve had some mild creative success nationally that I won’t go into specifics about (for obvious reasons.) I’ve led an active lifestyle and participated in a few sport events that have kept me healthy. I’m very fortunate, and I’m making an okay life for myself.

But this shadow hangs over everything, and it feels like it’s holding me back. There have been times when I haven’t had access to porn for brief periods, and I felt like I transformed into this better version of myself. For a few weeks in college my laptop stopped being able to access the internet, leaving me no access to fresh whacking material. Suddenly, when masturbation became this thing that just had to be accomplished to clear my head, instead of a pastime involving the inspection and collation of entire corners of the internet, I was twice as productive, and much more likely to go out and speak to people. I felt more engaged, and my schoolwork improved dramatically. I was still beating off, but it became something to finish, not to extend.

Fast forward to now. I’m living on my own. I don’t have roommates or family to keep me away from the internet, or to provide the social pressure to at least appear like I’m not addicted (or your word of choice) in my own home. I’m on my computer all the time- I have work I do at home that requires a screen and internet access. Porn is right there, just a click away.

Gradually, as I’ve lived on my own, it’s started to get worse. Now, for the first time, I’ve paid for porn, instead of just looking at clips or snapshots. Not that paying people for their work is a bad thing! It’s the way I’m doing it that bothers me. I’m dropping upwards of two hundred dollars in an evening without thinking about it or considering how it affects my finances. It’s only been a few times over the last year, and so far it hasn’t been anything other than a cautionary tale in the light of day, but it is a dangerous precedent and I’m worried about losing control over it.

Over the years I’ve tried a lot of the things that I’ve seen suggested- I’ve used blocking programs to make myself think twice. I’ve deleted all my bookmarks and reset my browser history. I’ve sworn off masturbation altogether. I’ve tried just rubbing one out without porn. I’ve attempted all of these more than once over decades, and none of them last more than two weeks at the outside, usually less than three days. The other standard suggestions- eating healthy, exercising, finding hobbies- are all things I already do. I live on salad, avocado, and light fish, I exercise for 45 minutes to an hour every day of the week, I have a hobby that takes up most of my free time that doesn’t go to porn. The standard stuff is not working for me.

It’s not that I lack willpower. The other stuff I’ve done shows me that I can make myself do a lot of things. It’s keeping myself from doing something that’s proving the challenge. At this point, I don’t think I can do this on my own. I need help.

I just don’t know where to look. How do you ask for recommendations for sex therapists dealing with this sort of thing? I can’t go out and ask my friends or family what’s worked for them- none of them know this is something I’m dealing with. I’ve been in therapy before but it was for completely different stuff, and the organization that was providing it was faith based. There’s google, but I don’t know what resources to trust or how to judge them, and I’m worried they’re just going to give me more of the same advice I’ve already found for myself, or it’s going to be some black and white, moralistic, porn-is-evil stuff. I don’t think porn is evil, I don’t think beating off is evil, I don’t think my urges are anything unnatural or wrong. I just want to be able to exercise some self control once in a while. Have some power to determine how I use my free time. Maybe dial it back a bit so I can start actually seeing, and getting turned on by, a real woman, with real sex.

Whaddaya think, doc? Got anything for me?

Thanks a ton,

Whackadoodle

[Read more…]

Paging Dr. NerdLove Episode #25 – The Keys To Being More Attractive

April 20, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 4 Comments

Attractiveness and good looks are very, very different things. Somebody can be good looking – even beautiful –  without being attractive. At the same time, people can be incredibly attractive while not being even vaguely good looking. Some of the most famous lovers in history were barely a step up from “looks like a squished frog” territory in the looks department, and yet they still had intense personal magnetism. 

The things that make you attractive go beyond whether you have a perfectly symmetrical face or whether your body type matches the current fashion.  It’s as much in your personality as it is in your presentation. Cultivating the personality traits that women find appealing can help make you incredibly, powerfully attractive. 

Show Highlights:

  • Why looks aren’t as important to attraction as uniqueness
  • Why adopting a shelter dog can be the smartest decision you make
  • The need to cultivate your intellectual curiosity
  • How to leverage the Reward Theory of Attraction
  • Why so many women list “a sense of humor” at the top of their “must have” list for men

and so much more…

Related Links:

Which Is More Important, Looks or Personality?

Do Looks Matter?

Your Attitude Controls Your Dating Success

How To Use Humor in Your Flirting

The New (And Impossible) Standards of Male Beauty

Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes and on Stitcher.

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

Next Page »

About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

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Recent Comments

  • Giant Stone Head You make a good point there. I think my tendency is more to blame myself if something goes wrong, and to assume I did something wrong. From what you and the Doc are saying, it's best to just take it...

    I’m Great At Getting Dates, So Why Can’t I Find A Relationship? ·  January 21, 2021

  • Giant Stone Head Thanks Dan! I appreciate the feedback. I just think it's discouraging to get a lot of first dates, and not a lot of seconds. I've tweaked things over time to make first dates more casual, something...

    I’m Great At Getting Dates, So Why Can’t I Find A Relationship? ·  January 21, 2021

  • Giant Stone Head Well thanks! I appreciate it. Yeah, it is true that being a homebody makes it really hard to meet people. I've seen a fair number of women using online dating who describe themselves as homebodies,...

    I’m Great At Getting Dates, So Why Can’t I Find A Relationship? ·  January 21, 2021

  • Giant Stone Head ...well setting up Disqus was a bit of an ordeal, but here I am! I'm Lonely in Ohio, to be clear. Anyway, thanks for the response, Doc. I found it useful, although I'm still mulling over what you...

    I’m Great At Getting Dates, So Why Can’t I Find A Relationship? ·  January 21, 2021

  • Belinda "While it’s certainly possible that she has only hazy recollections of that night, it’s more likely that she realizes she may have given you the wrong idea and is trying to shut down the entire...

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