• Archives
  • Submit A Dating Question
  • The Secret Origin of Dr. NerdLove
  • Dr. NerdLove Store
  • Dr. NerdLove’s Affiliate Store

Paging Dr. NerdLove

Love, Sex and Dating For The Modern Nerd

Search The Archives

  • Books
  • Podcasts
  • The Grimes Test
  • Ask Dr. NerdLove
  • The Basics
  • Private Coaching
  • Submit A Dating Question

Archives for June 2017

Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Stop Being Needy?

June 30, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 89 Comments

Hey Doc. I’ve got a neediness problem.

Let me start from the beginning; things are going great! I’ve gotten more confident about myself and less reserved about expressing my interest in women, and that’s led to dates with really cool, attractive people. Although I still at times struggle with my insecurities, I’m laid back enough in public that they don’t stop me from getting attention from people I’m interested in.

The problem starts when sex and intimacy arrive on the scene. Once I’ve seen somebody naked enough times, I can’t help but get invested in them, and once I’m invested in someone, my insecurities kick into high gear. You see, I have a long-standing and deep-seated fear that the people who like me will just suddenly… stop liking me. So things that were innocuous before I started to get invested, like cancelling dates or going radio silent for short periods, start to feel really concerning. I start to wonder “is this person losing interest in me?” and it makes me really, really anxious.

I’m a huge believer in the power of communication, so I try to channel that discomfort into honest conversation in the format of “It’s not your fault but I’m feeling a little insecure because of X, is everything alright with us?” The problem is that my rather transparent need to be validated turns the perceived problems into actual problems, and often directly causes people to lose interest in me. They get the sense that “oh, this guy is way more invested in this than I am” and all of a sudden that girl I was so excited about is telling me she’s “too busy to see me”.

My question is, how do I deal with these insecurities or channel them in ways that don’t damage my relationships? Because at this point the feelings themselves have become a source of dread; I worry that when I start to falter I’ll say something needy-sounding and bugger things up, and thinking thoughts like that makes me even more insecure.

Thanks,
Trying To Play It Cool

[Read more…]

Paging Dr. NerdLove Episode #35 – Overcoming Negativity

June 29, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 20 Comments

This week, it’s time for a little tough love. Some of this may sting. Some of it may be upsetting… but it’s going to be important. And if you stick through the end, you’re going to have some tools that’ll make things better.

Instead of talking about the things you should be doing… I want to talk about the thing that you’re doing that you desperately need to stop… because it’s killing your love life.

Show Highlights:

  • How one simple test reveals how your attitude hurts your love life.
  • Why you’re not as good at hiding your negative side as you think.
  • How a negative attitude pushes people away – even the people who like you.
  • Why pessimism makes it impossible to improve. 
  • The difference a positive or negative attitude makes to a first impression.

…and so much more

Related Links:

Do You Pass The Grimes Test?

Your Attitude Controls Your Dating Success

Unlearning Helplessness

Self Acceptance, Self-Improvement and Why You Need Both

5 Things Men Do That Make Them Less Attractive

Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes and on Stitcher.

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

How To Be Sexier

June 26, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 199 Comments

Last week we talked about part of how somebody can get the sex they want without relying on douchebaggery. This week, we’re going to continue that trend and talk about how guys can learn to become sexier. After all, we’re not just people, sometimes we’re also pieces of meat, and we would like to be treated accordingly.

Now tell me: were you paying attention to me? Or that perfectly roasted chicken?

One of the things that trips people up regularly is that we mistake being attractive for sex-appeal. The two often intertwine, but they aren’t the same thing. After all, there are people of all genders who’re attractive but have the sex appeal of a rock. A particularly selfish rock. At the same time, there are people who may have the face of a bulldog chewing on a thistle, but they radiate sex appeal. This isn’t a matter of feel-good woo woo bullshit; there’ve been a number of studies that have documented how certain aspects and personality traits outweigh physical looks when it comes to influencing who women want to have sex with.

Sexiness is about what makes somebody decide they want to sleep with you or not. Being good looking can help, it’s not the only issue. We’ve all encountered someone with a body to make a saint kick out a stained glass window, but five seconds of conversation killed any interest in sex. They might be dumb as a post. It may be that they got off to the idea of crush videos. It may be that they were a Hanzo main. Regardless: they were attractive… but not sexy.

The key is to remember that being sexy is about the holistic person, not any one factor. The traits that make people sexier tend to stack; like the best buffs, individual traits combine to create a sexy, mouthwatering whole.

And the good news is: these are all things that you can learn and develop. If you know what traits to pay attention to and cultivate?

Well, that means you can make yourself into that sexy love machine you’ve always wanted to be. Ready to get started?

[Read more…]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Escape A Creeper?

June 23, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 40 Comments

Hi Doc,

I know this isn’t particularly about dating and relationship but I just really need some third party advice right now. A best mate of mine has been online dating ever since he got separated from his wife after having found out she had been cheating on him. 1-2 months into the separation, he met this girl online who is a lot younger than he (he’s middle-aged). After a few months of them chatting and talking on phone, he told me he was falling in love with her and they were going to meet in real life very soon. I personally don’t ever believe in falling in love with someone I have never met in person. Connection, yes. But love? I’m skeptical. But in saying that, being a good friend to him, I told myself not to judge and impose my own opinion on him because we’re all different after all. So I just congratulated him and said that I was very happy for him (given his recent broken home situation).

Then came the day she was supposed to fly over to see him (they live in different state), she pulled the pin a few days earlier due to some medical issue. I grew suspicious but still gave her the benefit of the doubt because it was only the first time. But I asked him anyway, that if he had ever skyped her yet. And he said yes,, they skyped once. So I was certain that at least her identity (appearance-wise) was real. Then her medical condition got more dramatic in that she would have to go to hospital for treatment every weekend. So that sort of makes it challenging for him to even fly over to see her himself. Her excuse is that she would never know when she would be next in order to meet him because she has to constantly move back and forth between home and hospital (a few hours each way). After hearing this, I asked him to be cautious in that he should stop investing more into this ‘relationship’ emotionally until he can actually see her in real life. I went as far as stating that she may be real, but her circumstances may not. And I could see him taking offences by that, though he did not say it out loud. He just said that they had been talking on phone for one and a half hours everyday. I personally thought that that meant nothing but stopped pushing anyway, knowing that since he had started to get defensive, it would only get worse if I kept being pushy.

So my question is, do you have any advice as to what I should do? Should I just let him be or try to push harder? Because to me, he seems to really want to believe in this relationship, even though there’s little chance of them meeting any time soon. He does understand that the longer he waits, the more he would start to idealize her, which is a bad thing. But other than that, I still don’t know how I can advice him to not invest more into this before meeting her in person.

Will really appreciate your advice

A Concerned Mate

[Read more…]

Paging Dr. NerdLove Episode #34 – Learning To Be Fearless With Attractive Women

June 22, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 6 Comments

When you’re talking to someone you think is hot – whether you’re hoping to get a phone number or a date, to practice your flirting or lay the groundwork for future interactions, it can feel like you’re having to juggle while riding a unicycle. And the unicycle is on a tightrope. And the tightrope is also on fire.

You’re trying to do a dozen things at once – you want to be witty and funny because you want them to laugh but you are also trying to be a bit flirty because you want them to like you and you’re also desperately trying to gauge how they’re responding to you so you’re looking for any clue about how you’re doing and you’re also trying to think about what you’re going to say next because the last thing you want to do is let that awkward moment of silence crop up and make everything uncomfortable.

If you want to get someone’s interest, you have to learn how to talk to them without freaking out. This week, we’re going to talk about what it takes to learn to talk to hot women without fear.

Show Highlights:

  • Why your brain locks up talking to women you’re attracted to
  • The psychological trick that gets people interested in you almost immediately
  • Why trying to impress her is going to backfire on you
  • The best questions to ask to create an instant connection
  • One simple trick to make talking to women feel effortless

…and so much more.

Related Links:

How To Make Small Talk (For People Who Hate Small Talk)

Instant Charisma

The Art of the Cold Approach Pt. 1

How To Tell Stories

Five Secrets To Make People Like You

Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes and on Stitcher.

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

Next Page »

About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

Connect With Dr. NerdLove

  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • RSS
  • Twitter
  • YouTube

Categories

Like Us On Facebook

Facebook Pagelike Widget

Become a Dr. NerdLove Patron

Virtual Tip Jar

private coaching is available at doctornerdlove.com/private-coaching

Out Now!

My new dating guide, New Game + is available at Amazon.com , iTunes and everywhere books are sold.

Recent Comments

  • GLaDOS You can say that *you* aren't ready for a relationship, but you don't get to decide that for A. A very well may feel that they're ready for a serious relationship and may walk away to seek that...

    My Boyfriend’s Kink Turns Me Off. What Do I Do? ·  June 25, 2022

  • Enail I'd say most people try extremely hard to love their family of origin even if they wouldn't otherwise like them, so it's not just ourselves we feel that obligation/need with. The more important a...

    I Was A Nice Guy And It Backfired. How Do I Win My Friend Back? ·  June 24, 2022

  • Belinda The LW sounds limerent for his freind. If you've ever been limerent for someone, it can take time to get over. That being said, there are things the LW can do to move the process along. Going No...

    I Was A Nice Guy And It Backfired. How Do I Win My Friend Back? ·  June 24, 2022

  • fuzzilla **Although, when all's said and done, there are so many bigger things going horribly wrong in the world that it's harder and harder to care about small-scale, interpersonal things.**...

    I Was A Nice Guy And It Backfired. How Do I Win My Friend Back? ·  June 24, 2022

  • fuzzilla I mean, of course you're gonna be sad. I never said you could just snap your fingers and be "over it" just like that. But I do expect that people at least intellectually understand that moving on is...

    I Was A Nice Guy And It Backfired. How Do I Win My Friend Back? ·  June 24, 2022

Popular Posts

What Couples Can Learn From Gomez and Morticia AddamsWhat Couples Can Learn From Gomez and Morticia Addams
Socially Awkward Isn’t An ExcuseSocially Awkward Isn’t An Excuse
Nerds and Male PrivilegeNerds and Male Privilege
On Labeling Women “Crazy”On Labeling Women “Crazy”
When Masculinity Fails MenWhen Masculinity Fails Men

Archives

Tags

abusive relationships ask dr. nerdlove attraction be a better man be a better person boundaries break up cheating communication confidence dating Don't Be A Creeper emotional abuse emotional health emotional intelligence flirting level up lifestyle masculinity meeting men Meeting Women mental health online dating podcast podcasts rejection relationship drama relationship maintenance relationships self-confidence self-esteem self-improvement self-limiting beliefs sex sexual compatibility sexuality skills social skills talking to women the friend zone toxic masculinity toxic relationships use your words virginity youtube