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Archives for July 2017

Overcome Your Fear of Rejection

July 31, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 344 Comments

One of the hardest things when it comes to dating is dealing with the fear of rejection. At times it can seem like everyone’s dating hang ups can be traced back to a fear of being rejected – from approach anxiety to Nice Guy behavior.

Can’t get rejected if you never approach anyone, ever.

The problem is that letting that fear control you means that you will never succeed. No matter who you are, rejection is going to be a part of your dating life. Everybody – no matter how famous, how handsome, how rich or how socially gifted – gets shot down. What makes the difference between the socially successful and the people who trundle from rejection to rejection are that the successful ones don’t let rejection destroy them. And while it can be difficult to face your fears, part of what helps makes them less all-consuming is to understand them.

So let’s get down to the roots of the fear of rejection.

[Read more…]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: My Girlfriend Doesn’t Like My Kids

July 28, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 80 Comments

Hey Doc: 
I was in a relationship with a woman that lasted for two years (including a year of living together until financial obstacles ended that arrangement) and then a further two years of on-again-off-again. Most of the time, I was the one who ended things, until recently.  The most recent started when we had gone to meet some friends of mine at a women-only gay bar that was having an open night for guys. While I was in the bathroom, my girlfriend had kissed another woman. When I confronted her about it, gently letting her know that although we hadn’t discussed our situation properly, I considered that close to infidelity. She said she thought she might be lesbian, something I was aware had been a possibility before we got together all those years ago. I had even prided myself on “turning her”, dumb as that sounds (we had joked about it).

Now, to be honest, I felt relief, believing that what was obviously not a sustainable relationship could now be ended through circumstances beyond our control. I offered to remain friends. And we did, for a while, until I started feeling like our dynamic seemed unchanged except for the absence of intimacy. I told her that I wanted to scale back our friendship and that I could not be relied on to be her go-to source of comfort and validation. She made it clear that she wasn’t interested in meeting up once in a blue moon and hanging out superficially, so we agreed to keep our distance.

And then shit got bad. Due to both missing her, family problems and some escalating drug and alcohol use, I got what I’m pretty sure in retrospect could be classified as depressed. So when we bumped into each other in a bar a few months later and started hooking up again, I foolishly told myself that it was on again and all my problems would be solved. She did give me plenty of signs and indications that she didn’t want to keep hooking up until I finally took the hint. At the time I felt like she was ghosting me as if I was a persistent Tinder-date, and I resented her for not having “had the guts” to say it explicitly. Now, I realize I should have understood the situation (or rather, admitted to myself what was going on), and that I had no right dumping mye mental issues on her. So I stayed clear, avoided gatherings with mutual friends and cut off contact.

Then she got a boyfriend. My lesbian ex-girlfriend found a handsome, adventurous, charismatic, man’s-man boyfriend who she started a long-distance relationship with. This caused a personal crisis in masculinity on my part. Even though I knew that sexuality is a fluid and difficult thing that’s rarely black-and-white, even though I knew we had slept together after her coming out, it made me feel incredibly emasculated. Hearing hints and tidbits of information from mutual friends (who on the whole tried to not mention either of us to the other), taught me more than I probably needed to know about her sexual experiences with women and her relationship with him.

When they broke up, circumstances had changed for me and life seemed a lot better. I had a new job and was hanging out with a larger group of really great people, including our mutual friends. I felt ready to start meeting her again and catching up like old friends. However, her break-up being very recent, those conversations revolved around him, for which she apologized several times.

So here’s the rub, Doc, if you’re still with me. Cognitively, I know that her sexuality is her own business, and her experiences both sexual, romantic and otherwise have fuck-all to do with me or my own insecurities. I know that the characteristics of my “successor” do not diminish my qualities or impact on her life. I know that passing judgment (on either myself or her) after the end of our relationship is toxic bullshit.

But even though I’m not really heartbroken anymore, I can’t shake this feeling of emasculation. Of being the Best Actor in a Supporting Role, rather than the romantic lead in the movie of her life. Meeting her again, I realize that we are incompatible, and that all I really have left is a sort of muted affection – but the jealousy and insecurities and the need to prove my manhood bubble up.

So what did I miss? How do you move on from knowing that you’re projecting, that there’s this black little cloud inside you making these Madonna-Whore intrusive thoughts burst through? How do you find long-term interest in someone else when there’s this constant voice telling you to “re-conquer” your ex so you can validate your identity as a man?

How do you turn that knowledge into practical change?

Sincerely,
A Neutered Housecat

[Read more…]

Paging Dr. NerdLove Episode #39 – Your Online Dating Story

July 27, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 35 Comments

Online dating can be an amazing resource, regardless of the kind of relationship you’re looking for. Whether you’re looking for a lifetime commitment, a something a bit more relaxed or even just a quick hook-up, online dating sites and apps have streamlined the process and made it possible to meet people you might never otherwise encounter. 

Part of what makes online dating tricky is that we don’t think about how we’re using it. The issue is that we never stop to think about the story our profile tells about us.

See, every dating profile is a narrative. It’s a story about your life. Who are you? What are you about? What is it about you that makes you worth dating? What would life be like if someone were to date you? If you want more success in online dating, you need to think about your dating story.

Show Highlights:

  • The importance of controlling your online dating narrative
  • Why we get false positives in online dating
  • How to stand out from a crowd of cookie-cutter profiles
  • Why profiles need narrative consistency to be appealing
  • How to make sure you don’t appeal to the wrong people

…and so much more.

Related Links:

How to Troubleshoot Online Dating

Tune Up Your Tinder Profile

Level Up: Looking Good in Photos

The Secret to Online Dating Success

When It Clicks: The Guide To Mastering Online Dating

Doctor’s Note: There won’t be a podcast next week, due to travel. This means it’s a great time to go check out the archives and binge on the back-episodes…

Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes and on Stitcher.

Like the podcast? Consider becoming a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

The Only Thing In The Way of Social Success

July 24, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 73 Comments

People tend to stand in the way of their own success. It’s something you see over and over again when you deal in self-improvement. One of the truisms when it comes to giving advice is that there’s always going to be someone who will argue with you over it. If you tell someone about the benefits of breathing, they’ll turn around and tell you about the dude they know who suffocated in 1972 and he’s been doing just fine.

“Checkm..ate… NerdLo….”

The same is true with dating advice. No matter what advice you give, there will inevitably be someone who will argue about why it doesn’t apply to them. Now to be fair: most of the time, it’s assumed that advice isn’t going to be universal. When something doesn’t necessarily apply to you, then you can usually disregard it. However, there are objections and then there are objections – especially when it involves how to get laid. There are often more counter-narratives than there is actual advice.

As a general rule, I don’t address a lot of common objections to my columns. More often than not, I’ve actually addressed them in a related piece – and one I’ve usually linked to directly. The whole point of the blog is that these lessons are interconnected. There are reasons I throw links into every column like sprinkles on ice cream sundaes. Each column builds upon the others, after all.

However, there are certain objections, arguments and counter-narratives that come up regularly that are worth addressing.

There are legitimate issues and then there are excuses. And the problem is when we mistake one for the other. So let’s talk a bit about some of those arguments, shall we? Hang tight and read all the way to the end because it’s time for a bit of tough love.

Let’s do this.

[Read more…]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: His Ex is Ruining Our Relationship

July 21, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 62 Comments

Hey Doc,

My boyfriend and I have almost been together a full year. Things are beyond great, we’ve been discussing moving in together, but there is something that causes me to feel uneasy: he is friends with his ex.

When we first started dating I let him know that I was uncomfortable with this. He has assured me that they are only friends, but I still can’t shake this terrible feeling I get – especially, when he texts her often. It used to be where she would call him during our dates, yes he would answer, and then have long conversations about her own relationships and whatnot. She no longer calls him as often..at least when I’m around. But she leans on him as a source of comfort and it irks me.

I don’t ever get the full picture, but from what I hear, from what little he has shared with me, after they dated she fell for someone hard and it ended terribly and her confidence hasn’t been the same. But again, from my perspective, what she’s missing from her romantic relationships she get’s from my boyfriend. A shoulder to cry on, and someone to listen to her, someone that actually listens. My boyfriend is a great listener so I can understand why she would cling to that.

For a couple of months she backed off after he told her he couldn’t be there all the time for her. Slowly it reverted back to them texting often. I don’t feel as though he wants to be with her because he has told me time and time again that he is over her and wants to be with me. I’ve let him know that I have no interest in being with someone that wants to be with someone else, so if his feelings change…just let me know. I want to trust him, and it’s not that I don’t, but this is just so uncomfortable for me.

He values her friendship but this is more than just a typical friendship. I can’t help but feel this jealousy. I can’t see myself being the type of person that would issue an ultimatum because his feelings are important to me. He said he experienced feeling this way when he was dating his ex and she was close friends with her previous ex. I’m sorry I just don’t get being close friends with your ex. So he said he managed to deal with his jealousy and not really let it eat at him. What I also don’t get is, he knows how terrible it feels, so why would you put that upon your current relationship?

I feel this extreme guilt for feeling this way and for making him feel uneasy whenever he does take a call from her. The last thing I want is for him to not feel comfortable around me. But how do I deal with this jealousy? Any advice would be great. Thank you.

Green-Eyed Monster

[Read more…]

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About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

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