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Archives for October 2017

How To Have That Awkward Conversation

October 30, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 19 Comments

There comes a point in every relationship where you have to have an awkward or intimidating conversation you’d rather avoid.

There’s no getting around it. No relationship you’ll ever have, whether it’s with friends, family or lovers, will be without problems. If you’ve got two (or more) humans together, conflict is pretty much inevitable. It’s easy in the early days, when great sex, or even just the thrill and novelty of a new relationship can paper over a lot of sins. When you’re busy banging out on every flat surface you can find, it’s very easy to convince yourself that those rough edges aren’t so bad. You’re pretty sure that this particular problem will smooth itself out in the future. And really, if you bring it up now… well, why ruin a good thing, right?

Like the ear thing. What the hell’s up with the ear thing?

But not every problem in a relationship is there from the start. Even when things are perfect at the beginning, we grow. We change. What we need from others will change as well. Even things that may have worked for us in the past may not work any more.

However, the longer we go without talking about those issues, the harder it can be to actually bring them up in the first place. After all, how can you tell your partner that you’re not enjoying sex with them any more without starting a fight? How do you tell your partner that the thing they love to do squicks you out?

Seriously, stop with the damn ear thing!

Things go unsaid and so the conversation becomes more difficult. It’s one thing to say that something is wrong in the relationship. But how do you have a conversation about something that’s been wrong for months or even years?

It doesn’t take very long before we become afraid of the conversation about the problem. But because we’re afraid of making things awkward, we let those problems fester.

If you can’t talk about the problems in your relationship, you can’t fix them. Here’s how to actually have those awkward conversations.

[Read more…]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: When Does Behavior Cross The Line?

October 27, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 213 Comments

Dr. NerdLove:

Thank you for your column and work. I really appreciate the niche you’ve carved out and the help you provide your readers.

I’m usually a friendly, encouraging, and empathetic guy, but sometimes, I get depressed and ruminate on the same stupid things. I’m pretty sure I’m wrong about this, but I wanted to ask you why I’m wrong on this and get some insight into something better I can tell myself when I start thinking in circles.

I’m 40 now, but I still feel pretty young and decently healthy. When I was growing up, in a conservative social circle, I was an overweight and insecure guy who put way too much worth on someone liking me (I’ll own up to that as my mistake). I would get the nerve to talk to cute girls and then watch them walk away mid-sentence for some athletic guy. I would hear them talking about how cute so-and-so classmate’s butt was. But it was always ground into us guys that we should never disrespect women by thinking or talking about them as sex objects. Ultimately, I believed that if I were good-looking and athletic, then someone would love me.

I went to college. I lost weight. I gained weight. I worked out. I became an adult. I became more progressive. I watched the world be more sex-positive for women and require more responsibility for men. I got married, and after a year, I decided to get in better shape.

So over the course of a year, my wife and I worked out and lost weight together in a group setting (she, 45 pounds; me, 90 pounds with significant strength and athleticism increase). I did all the cooking and got some good and mostly “meh” reviews on it. But I kept it up. I went to the gym and spent an hour a day on the elliptical and then 30-60 minutes on weights. Then I’d go home and cook dinner for us. Then I’d clean up, lest I get a comment about how messy I made the kitchen when I cooked. In the meantime, I would compliment her on her increased strength and athleticism, and I’d tell her I always found her attractive. I got told my butt was saggy, and I got the loose skin on my abdomen grabbed and jiggled. I never made any critical comments on her looks, athleticism, or effort.

When we went to our weight-loss meetings, I was usually the only guy there, so I got an earful of “how easy it is for men to lose weight,” and how “men don’t have to work as hard.” I thought our group (including my wife) was there to support each other and not blast each other for excuses or bogeymen, so I didn’t flip any tables or go into how 5 hours a week going full-blast on an elliptical followed by cooking varied, nutritious meals made it “so easy” for me. I sure didn’t get any backup from my female leaders, just a bunch of head-nods that it was much harder for women, and how nice it was to have a guy who understood the struggle.

When I stayed late at work, I would come home, cook first and work out later. When I did, I would get a “Well, maybe you’ll come home before bedtime” comment. When I worked out before work, I would get grouched out because I woke her up. Somehow, I was supposed to make time to work out, cook, and clean where no time existed.

In the meantime, my wife would get all googly over John Cena, David Boreanaz, or “her boyfriend” Randy Orton. A few times, I would get a compliment that I had gained more definition in my back or shoulders, but I’d never make her as starry-eyed as those big beefy guys. I’d nod or laughingly agree with her comments; I never brought up any celebrity crushes or talked about what body parts on other women I liked a lot. I think my wife is attractive, and I would regularly tell her so, partly because that’s what I always wanted in my life. Even though my wife tapered off her effort, I never stopped telling her she was hot and awesome.

God, what I wanted most was just the appreciation for how hard I worked at making our lives better and how many things I was trying to juggle. I spent that time just white-knuckling. My wife’s not real touchy-feely, and I am, so I was just hoping for a hand on my back or a hug. I got into CrossFit and obstacle racing and I loved it, and I tried to juggle that with work and home responsibilities. Ultimately, I couldn’t keep white-knuckling. After a year of maintaining my weight loss, I gained back my weight. After a rough patch at work, I fell off the wagon and gained most of my weight back.

And I travel for work, with a mostly 50/50 male-female co-worker mix, often working in a traditionally female setting. We’ve all been given the usual sexual harassment training and lip-service expectations. But when I’m doing my work, where I can’t just pick up and leave, the women I’m working with (co-workers or clients) talk about real-life or celebrity men like this verbatim exchange:

“This is what that guy from ‘Game of Thrones’ looks like in real life.”
“Oh, he’s cuuute. I’d follow that ass around like a lost puppy.”
“Let me find some more pictures…”
“Oh, yeah! That’s nice! Mmmm…”

And if I had stirred the pot by saying that this was disrespectful, hurtful, and uncollegial to me and made it hard for me to work with them, how hard would I be laughed at? Would I be known as the special snowflake who everyone must be Very Serious around?

So, here’s my circular thoughts that I can’t shake: Why is it okay (and “sex-positive” and “life-affirming”) and a non-issue for women to objectify men and talk about it around guys, when it’s wrong in principle for guys to talk about women that way? Why is it okay for women to have celebrity crushes, but it’s disrespectful and oppressive for men to have anything but tunnel vision? Why is it okay to remind a guy that other guys are much hotter than him and expect that he should just be attractive without understanding that it takes a sacrifice of time and effort it takes to get there? Why is it okay to lament how hard women have it and expect men to be out-of-the-box perfect and supportive at all times? Is a guy even able to say “I don’t appreciate the way you bring up (Mr. Celebrity) around me, It affects how I think about myself and I think I should be given more respect as a human being”? If that’s just silly, then why shouldn’t I opine on how fine someone’s knockers are and how I can tell she takes the time to work out regularly?

(Note: I don’t really want to blurt out how fine someone else is; everyone’s got their own struggles and goals and advantages and accomplishments. I’d rather not pontificate about an unattainable third party just to prove it’s my right to do so.)

Finally, at what level of accomplishment do I have to make so that women (really, just my wife) will like me and appreciate me? What do I have to do to ever get the fangirl treatment that I have to endure in friends and strangers around me? When does a guy do enough to be good enough and be able to cash out on his effort (if he wasn’t born with natural talent)?

Most of the time, my relationship with my wife is pretty awesome. She’s smart and creative, accomplishes things, and is attractive at any weight or fitness level. But when things get rough at work, I’m often ruminating on these thoughts. I feel like I missed something in my youth. I thought that at some level of physical/domestic/professional accomplishment, I would get that treatment from my wife I saw others get. But, as you’ve said before “It has nothing to do with you.”

In the big picture, I’ve got a lot of privilege, and I wouldn’t trade my struggles for anyone else’s. I just occasionally get my thoughts stuck in these bad grooves, and I’d appreciate some better ways to challenge/counter those recurring assumptions while I work on the bigger issues.

Best regards,

Not particularly great for the gander.

[Read more…]

Paging Dr. NerdLove Episode #51 – 5 Steps To Creating An Instant Connection

October 26, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 31 Comments

Do you have have that friend who seems to just connect with people. They can roll up on strangers and end up with new best friends and dates. And you… can’t.

It doesn’t seem fair, does it? These people can stumble into any social situation and come out like they rolled 18 on their charisma and then there’s you: the unfrozen caveman who suddenly doesn’t know how to word gooder. To make matters worse: you could do and say the exact same thing that they do and get blank stares. 

It’s not because they have “it” and you don’t. It’s because of charismatic people understand why we like others and how to create that connection. And you can learn how to create it as well.

Show Highlights:

  • The #1 mistake people make in trying to forge a connection with others
  • The most important part of building your social skills
  • How your beliefs shape your ability to connect with others
  • Why you’re ruining your own efforts to get other people to like you
  • The single factor that will make you more appealing and desirable than anyone else

…and so much more.

Related Links:

5 Ways To Be More Charismatic, Instantly

How To Be Charming

5 Secrets To Make People Like You

Be More Approachable

The Most Attractive Aspect of A Man (Isn’t Looks or Money)


Listen Here
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Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

A Man’s Guide To Improving Your Emotional IQ

October 23, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 141 Comments

Emotional intelligence is one of those traits that tends to be woefully underdeveloped in men. Call it part of the toxic masculinity package; when things like “having feelings” are treated as a weakness, men are taught to bottle them up and pretend they don’t exist.

Along with things like “skin care” and “giving a shit how your apartment looks.”

It’s not terribly surprising. After all, what’s the first thing that comes to mind when you hear “get in touch with your emotions”? In all likelihood, it’s an absurd image of men sitting in a circle, crying like little girls1 and going through lists of petty hurts and insults. Why the hell would any dude want to do that when they could be spending time with their friends, doing man shit instead?

“IF I BREAK YOUR WRIST WILL I STOP FEELING EMPTY INSIDE?!”

But what if I told you that low emotional IQ was part of why suicide rates are so much higher in men than in women? What if I told you that having low emotional intelligence is part of why you’re so lonely? Or maybe I might tell you that the more emotionally intelligent you are, the more likely you are to get laid?

Yeah, I thought that might get your attention.

Here’s the truth about understanding our emotions: the more men are disconnected from how we feel, the harder it is for us to connect with others. It isolates us, cripples us and means that we have an even harder time trying to just get a date. Maybe it’s time to stop laughing about “cry babies” and “beta males” and start improving our emotional intelligence.

[Read more…]

  1. No, trust me, this phrasing was entirely intentional. [↩]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: He Left Her, Will He Leave Me Too?

October 20, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 11 Comments

Hello Doctor,

I’ve been reading this blog for a long time and have had nothing but good results from it: I managed to get myself out of a rather nasty downward spiral of negative thoughts and poor self esteem by taking what you’ve written and applying it to my everyday life.

Still no girlfriend but that doesn’t worry me any, I’m happy being single at the moment!

The reason why I made this post was because I’ve been having some issues with time, making plans and it’s effects on me.

For context, I’m in higher education (university) and as such that requires a HUGE amount of planning, scheming and plotting for getting to every class, performing all of the reading beforehand, making study plans for exams (even the ones that are months away), working on assignments and finding time to eat, sleep and keep hydrated in the process. I’m also a computing student, for additional context.

Now I have done a good job of that so far, if anything I like scheming! The problem is that I always carry the feeling of there never being enough time for work/revision/sleeping/ with me, and it never shifts no matter how much I do in that one field.

Heck, even when I take breaks there’s the jackassbrain part saying “you shouldn’t be doing this, you got X1, X2, X3 and Zero to do” despite the fact that I know that I’m still human and as such do need to take breaks occasionally.

Compounding the error is that in my plans I set informal deadlines for myself and get panicky/worried/mad when they aren’t met, reducing my capability to do effective work even further until I calm down and remember that I’m still human.

Essentially I’m trying to make plans that are metaphorically and literally five steps ahead then growing frustrated or downright furious when they don’t work out as I planned, this being a continuous cycle.

Ever since I went back to uni a few weeks ago, I’ve been going through a cycle of frantically planning anything I can, panicking at the plans changing, growing angry at myself for not completing informal deadlines on time or growing paranoid if I completed them before time and overall spending too much time in my own head space.

I’ve suffered not-quite-regular panic attacks followed by panicked bursts of work before, all while jackassbrain is intoning “if you planned better, you wouldn’t be in this position” over and over and over, only ceasing once either it’s completed or I’m in no physical state to do any more, at which point it starts to intone “That isn’t good enough, how dare you need a break”, or some variation on that.

I am looking into practicing mindfulness at the moment and that appears to be going well, but changing a longstanding mental process mixed with intense emotional reactions is never easy.

I know uni isn’t gonna be candyland (cause if so it’d all go to hell once things started to go off) but I don’t want it to be a complete mind-bending worryfest and ragefest for the whole couple years I got remaining here.

What I’m asking here, Doctor, is for anything I can do to calm myself down, relax with my planning and stop thinking as if one minor change or a couple big changes spells the end of my higher education career.

Thank you,
Clock King


Here’s my question for you, Clock King: how much imposter syndrome are you dealing with right now?

I ask because it sounds to me like you’re doing something that a lot of people I know do: you’re trying to control for everything. It’s a way of trying to justify things and overcome that nagging voice in your head that says that if you fuck up even slightly, people’ll twig to the fact that you don’t know what you’re doing. And once that first domino falls, it’s only a matter of time before everyone realizes you’re a fake, a fraud, a mistake and then everything will go away.

If you can just get everything to work exactly like you want it to, where everything goes perfectly… then you’ll be fine. You’ll convince people that you’re where you’re supposed to be, that you know what you’re doing and that you deserve to be at this university and in this program.

At least for today. By tomorrow they may start to suspect so now you have to repeat the whole cycle over again.

To make matters worse, this “MUST! BE! PERFECT!!” drive starts to filter into everything. If you let yourself be alone with your thoughts for just a moment, that jerkbrain kicks in and starts telling you “shouldn’t you be working? Shouldn’t you be studying? Don’t you realize that if you’re not studying right now then you’re probably going to lose everything?!? GET BACK TO WORK, SLACKER!” You’re doing the Red Queen’s race: running as fast as you can in order to stay in the same place. Small wonder you’re fucking exhausted.

The problem is: people aren’t machines, Sherlock isn’t real and nobody can plan everything down to the smallest detail. Even in the finest clocks, chaos gets into the system and things come apart eventually. And when humans are involved… well there’s a reason for the old aphorism “If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.”

So here’s what I suggest. First: you need to make peace with your imposter syndrome. You need to realize something important: people who don’t deserve to be where they are never question themselves. The most qualified tend to also be the ones who’re most convinced that they’re not. They’re the ones who are painfully aware of how much they don’t know. But the fact is: everyone with half a brain goes through this. It only looks easy to everyone to the outside. Think of it like a swan: above the water, they’re majestic and serene.

Below the water, they’re paddling like a motherfucker.

So realize that you aren’t the only imperfect person there. But just as importantly: learn to accept “good enough”. Consider the piano. Pianos are finely tuned instruments and one tiny thing going wrong ruins everything. You, however aren’t a piano. You’re a man. And what is a man? A miserable pile of secr… wait no. A sack of meat and bone; that’s what you are. We’re giant messes and things rarely work the way they’re supposed to… but they still work out anyway.

That’s you, that is…

There is so very little that can go so wrong that you can’t recover from it. And honestly? 99% of your career isn’t going to have anything to do with your grades, but your knowledge… which isn’t the same thing. And to be honest: you’re not going to have a higher education career if you kill yourself in the process. Remember:  Imperfect and finished is always going to beat perfect and dead.

The other thing I suggest you do is start learning how to control your brain. Things like yoga and mindfulness meditation are great ways to force your brain to actually listen to you for once instead of just running off in it’s usual patterns. Get an app like Headspace and learn about focusing on your breathing and observing your emotions. The more you can center yourself and calm the screaming in your head, the happier you’ll be.

And failing that, there’s always weed.

Good luck.


Hi, DNL!

I’ve been dating an awesome guy for five months now, and things between us are genuinely great. I’m 33 and I haven’t had a whole lot of relationships in my life – I’m quite content in my own company, and if I don’t feel like someone could make me happier than I would be alone, I don’t bother pursuing them. As such, I’ve had a few serious relationships that have broken off amicably when we realise that we want different things or are no longer compatible. I don’t talk to my exes much, but I’m pretty sure none of them look back on me badly. My partner is separated from his wife of seven years while the mandatory waiting period for divorce ticks down (it’s just about up now, and I’ve helped him with some of the divorce paperwork and overheard convos with his lawyer, so no doubts that it’s happening).

My issue is that, never having married myself, it’s really hard for me to comprehend loving someone so much that you promise to be with them forever, and then… a few years down the track, deciding that you can’t actually stand being in their company anymore. Their split is not a kind one, and I can’t help but be frightened of the idea that as much as he and I like each other now, what if that situation is us down the track? What if things change and we hate each other enough to take it to court and fight over every scrap of our life together? I’ve never dated a divorcee before, so this realisation is new and uncomfortable, that you can love someone enough to marry them and end up dreading the moments you must spend with them.

I know this line of thought is unhelpful, but it’s there every time I’m reminded of it, and especially when I hear about people getting divorces after just a year or two. How do I get over this irrational fear that, just because he split up with an ex badly, I might be next? I want to be happy with the time I have with him, not wondering if his (or other possible divorced partners I may have in future) feelings for me are going to flip as easily as switching off a light.

Love,
-Divorced from Reality

First rule of dating, DfR: All relationships end. Until you get to the one that doesn’t. If you go into every relationship worried that this one won’t end with one of you dying in the saddle, you’ll never get anywhere. You’re just going to continually what-if yourself to death. Which, in fact, you’re doing right now. What if things change? What if you hate each other? Well… what if you step outside and get hit by a meteorite? What if the caldera under Yellowstone finally blows and kills us all?

Second rule of dating: a relationship that ended isn’t a relationship that failed. As I’ve said before: not every love story is meant to be an epic poem. Some of them are short stories. Some of them are just dirty limericks. And that’s fine. We all grow and change over time. You obviously aren’t the same person you were at 23. Your boyfriend isn’t the same man he was at the start of his marriage. But relationships grow and change over time too, and some come to a natural end. This doesn’t mean that the relationship failed; it just meant that it was right for you in a specific place and time in your life. If the two of you can have a cordial relationship – even a friendly one, if you can continue to respect one another and still carry that kernel of affection and understand yeah this is why we were together, even if we aren’t now… well that’s actually a pretty damn successful relationship.

And here’s something else you need to consider: your boyfriend’s feelings didn’t just change for his soon-to-be ex. It isn’t that he flipped a switch and suddenly love became hate. Just as people change over time, so too do emotions. What happened between them was a process, not a bolt of lightning. Maybe it was something that could have been nipped in the bud if they’d been paying attention. Maybe it was a case of them not being right for one another and they tried to ignore it. Hell, they may have tried to push their relationship past its natural life span and the shambling corpse eventually turned on them. But it certainly wasn’t instantly.

But here’s what you need to remember: the third rule of dating is that proper preparation at the beginning of a relationship makes everything better. Taking time at the beginning to drama-proof your relationship – having some necessary conversations, learning how to have your own space as well as time together – can make your relationship last longer and run smoother than just going at it with no plan. Fortunately, I’ve written a book – It’s Dangerous To Go Alone, A Relationship Survival Handbook – that covers this in some detail. I’d suggest you check it out as you start your path with your snugglebunny.

Because the fourth rule of dating is that a relationship can’t succeed if you don’t give it a chance in the first place.

Good luck.

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About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

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