About 4 years ago i met this amazing woman in the gym we were both attending in Paris. She was extremely kind, empathic, caring and everything one hopes to find in a S.O. We started chatting and within a month we were dating. I was still a virgin when i met her (aged 21). It wasn’t that I was that shy nor that I didn’t have dates, for some odd reason I hadn’t lost my virginity until then and I wanted to lose it with someone that I trusted. She was that person.
Everything was good but there was a problem: Me. I am an insecure asshole. Soon after we started dating I became very jealous of her, particularly her past (after all, she got to have sex before me while I had to wait 21 years, which just kind of make me feel inadequate) and her present. I just didn’t like that she was my first while I wasn’t hers. I also had a morbid curiosity in being with other girls too and “recover the lost time”.
We were both taking the relationship very seriously, and I felt like I was going to marry her someday (she was a bit older than me and we had actually talked about it a few times), something I had mixed feelings about because she was amazing but at the same time I wanted to have a past of my own and experience other women. I just regretted really she being my first and having found such a great person at first try.
As a result we always had a problematic relationship. Every now and then I would turn ape shit crazy and freak out over details of her past sexual life or be jealous of her male friends. All because I wanted to have had experienced it too. For the most part we actually had a great relationship, we communicated really well and we were very close. But of course, me ruining the relationship with these pathetic scenes would deteriorate the relationship, no matter how good the rest was.
Now, this girl is a fucking saint. We were in this for 4 years! She always waited for me to “heal” and change. It eventually grew better but it never completely went away. A few weeks ago everything changed: She was talking to a male friend of hers who came out of town and who she views as almost her “brother” in the bedroom next to where I was for a few hours. No problem for me there. But then I heard something “suspicious” and I became convinced they were having sex (even though everything was 100% normal when I confronted them). That was enough for her. She broke up with me. Finally.
She told me that we were over for good. That there was 0 chance of us getting back together, even though she still had feelings for me. She seemed very convinced of this. I was hurt but I agreed. I’m an idiot and I never meant to hurt her, but she gave me enough opportunities to change and I didn’t take them. All my fault. So I moved on, I still loved her and wanted her back, but I knew there was little chance we would get back together.
For the first few days i was in grief. I wasn’t in the mood to go chase someone else. I wanted to meditate about myself and I felt it would be disrespectful and inappropriate to just go date someone else right away. I chatted with girls and even had one very interested in me in a party I went to, but i didn’t take the opportunity to mess around.
My ex didn’t feel the same way. She claims she thought that our relationship was 100% over. So less than 2 weeks later she was already having sex with a guy she had met even before we broke up.
About 3 days or so after she had sex with this dude I contacted her I didn’t know about it then) because I wanted to talk and I had to pick up some stuff I had in her apartment (and also, hopefully, manage to somehow convince her to come back to me). While we were apart, I actually came to realize how awesome this girl is and how much I actually love and how stupid my insecurities are, and how I actually would like to marry her someday. She tells me she had sex with this guy because she was trying to move on, as she thought it was really over between us, but she realized that she was actually way more in love with me that she ever thought and that she wants me back.
Frankly, I deserve it. I didn’t treat her 100% right, she took a lot of shit because of me. I risked it and here’s my payment.
I was very hurt to find out about it, even though I thought it would have been a possibility. For once, I don’t get why she would be so quick to date someone else after only 2 weeks break up. She says she loves me but I don’t think she would be so quick to rebound if that was the case. It’s as if our 4 years together meant nothing to her. It makes me doubt of her character and makes me think she was already cheating on me with him or thinking about it (she says it’s not the case, that she never wanted to be with him while we were together). She says she’s going to talk with this guy and tell him she’s not interested anymore.
Secondly, even though she says she’s done with this dude, she doesn’t look so sure about it. She seems confused. When I went to her apartment she actually had a coffee date scheduled with this dude for that afternoon. She called it off, but she told me I had to “decide myself about getting back together” as if she was counting on me to tell her yes or no so that she could just go back to this other dude or ditch him. She says it wasn’t the case. I’m not sure.
Lastly, I’m no good for this girl. Let’s be honest. With my jealous history it would be very hard to me to get over this rebound fling of hers. I would probably blame her for the last of the relationship. I would really have to be the “better man”, something I’m not sure I could do. I don’t want to hurt her anymore. Besides, as far as I’m concerned she may not really love me. She’s been 4 years with me. 4 years of attachment is something hard to get by and it’s only natural she thinks she “misses me” after she’s been with someone else and didn’t feel the exact emotion of validation she was used to feel. But in reality, deep down, it’s all an illusion based on habit.
I really don’t know what to do, Doc. I love this girl and I miss her. Part of me wants back together. But this relationship is probably just so shattered already, is not worth saving. Some things are just better off dead. This dude she had sex with seems like a good guy who likes her. I just want her to be happy, maybe he’s the best option. As for me, I probably need to meet other girls, live a little bit. Maybe in a few years, if she’s free and I’m free and we’re both on the same page we could *potentially* work. Or not. I wish things would have been different. But I know I’m the one who’s mostly to blame for this.
What do you think I should do? Should we try again? Spend some time together as friends and see how it goes? Or just go against my first instinct, break the girl’s heart and tell her it’s over for real?
Second Time Lucky