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Archives for March 2018

Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do Fix Someone Who’s Afraid To Date?

March 30, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

So basically I met this wonderful guy over the summer. I’m a graduating senior at college and he’s in his second year of a three year grad program at the same university.

Background on me- I had 2 relationships in high school. They were long term and pretty intense. I was completely in love and I have just had experience with love and relationships. 1st two years of college I was super single, did not even have a sex drive. Junior year I started using TINDER and BUMBLE and all that good stuff and I was hooking up with a couple of guys and just exploring my sexuality. Also I’m a short Latina, as nerdy as they come.

Background on him- He has tons of childhood trauma and a complex relationship with his mom, mental health, friends, girls who hurt him, etc. Like he flat out told me he doesn’t know what love is and believes he never will know. He has a stutter so his insecurities follow him every minute. He was also a jock in high school and a frat boy in college, so he’s the tall cool athlete antithesis to me. lol.

So in summer we sort of clicked and within 2-3 weeks of talking, we started hooking up. I knew that he was different than the other guys I had hooked up with. We really met each other at an intellectual kind of level. On the surface it didn’t seem like we had much in common, but here we were, still going back to each other. He made it clear that he didn’t want a relationship or anything, so I mentally knew I wouldn’t be to him all that I might one day want.

So Fall starts, the school year starts, and we keep talking, seeing each other, going on dates, staying over his place, etc. Mid semester he brings up wanting to be exclusive, but a few days later he kinda freaks out and we agree to just keep going like we were. By the way, throughout this whole time, neither one of us was seeing other people. We talked everyday and saw each other regularly. For his birthday in late October I surprise him with a camping/cabin weekend (I rented a car and everything) and we just have an amazing time travelling with one another. After that he says he really wants to be my boyfriend and we’re both so happy to kind of admit to each other that we really like each other and want to be with another. Highs and lows happen, but the lows always bring us closer together.

In December, he came to Miami (my hometown) to visit me for New Years. He met my friends and family and even though it was all pretty scary, we kept being solid. By this point I know that I’m falling in love with him but I am just enjoying that process. While on the beach, he asks me to be his date to his brothers wedding in March, and I feel so good to start the semester with that since we both felt confident in our relationship.

Fast forward to now. The wedding was tons of fun and it was nice to formally meet all of his family from his dad’s side. We’re pretty steady and just incredibly happy. We both express gratitude and care to one another constantly and it’s such an incredibly solid and healthy relationship.

The thing is that I am absolutely fucking in love with him. I know myself. I have fine tuned my intuition. Even my best friends sees how in love I am. Half of me has this great hope that this is it, and we will keep being happy and grow together and half of me is terrified of how crushed I’ll be when I inevitably lose him.

The other thing is that he has expressed being so traumatized with the concept of love that I am certain that if I tell him, even if he feels strong feelings for me, he’ll freak out and go into a crisis, push me away mode. I don’t know how to explain how I know that, but I really do. Maybe he’ll need space for awhile and I’m fairly certain he’ll come back to me eventually after that, but I don’t know if I can handle someone reacting that way when I tell them I’m in love with them.

The other thing is that I am graduating, so in his mind he has always kept this in mind and made it kind of like a mental expiration date. I have told him many times that I want to stay here in Boston after I graduate (love you Florida but nah no thanks) and I am applying to jobs here, but I understand how he is still defensive about that, and wants to keep those walls up just in case I do leave.

So I do think that he is trying to keep his walls up to protect himself and that he is trying his best to not fall for me (he is also big on control and freaks out when he’s not in control, especially of his feelings). I totally get that and respect that. So I do think that if I were to accept a job here and start looking for apartments, etc, he would start to address those walls and maybe take them down. I think he’s absolutely worth the wait. I try to be patient for him because I know that his trauma and his mental health often just makes all this stuff harder for him to handle.

But my mental health is now at stake. I can’t listen to music without breaking down, I have to cry and sit with my emotions everyday at night before going to bed, because being in love with him and keeping that inside and having to suppress that all the time is literally the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. It’s so overwhelming I can’t concentrate on my work. I know he would never want me to suffer silently when just telling him would bring me relief but I keep wanting to put him first and wait until he’s ready.

Should I wait until I find a job, apartment, etc here in Boston and reassure to him that I will be here and I want to keep being with him, or should I tell him now?

Stuck In Limbo

[Read more…]

Can We Learn How To Date from Games?

March 28, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey NerdLovers: I’m right in the middle of moving into the new office/studio, which means that there isn’t going to be a new podcast this week. But I don’t want to leave you all hanging, which is why I’m going to do something special. This Sunday, I’ll be doing a livestream hangout on YouTube, finishing up a bit more of the infamous Super Seducer game, taking some live questions and having a good time. Stream starts at 5 and will probably go until 7-ish. Come, bring your questions, bring your snark for Super Seducer. Be there or… be somewhere else, I’m not your manager. Follow me on Twitter for all the latest updates.

Meanwhile, you can see the first couple hours of the (ahem) experience:

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Being A Virgin Cost Me My Relationship

March 26, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

I am a 35 years old man who recently broke up with his girlfriend for 3 years, because I couldn’t handle the fact that she has had several lovers before me and I was an inexperienced virgin. I keep comparing us on that and I feel awful.

My life is severely fucked up due to family problems and as a result I have always been alone, feeling disappointed and with low self-esteem. I abstained from coming close to women. I met her through common friends.

She really loves me and I know I would have stayed with her, if it wasn’t for my constant urge to meet and have sex with other girls as I have never done before and “bridge the experience gap”. I never cheated on her and neither did she have a problem with me being inexperienced.

I feel I have lost my one and only precious love with whom I would like to spend the rest of my life. How can I proceed, feel good with myself and come back to her after all? I know from her own words that for the time being she is still there for me, showing her true love. Can I make it or do I have to cope with her loss to truly find myself and “grow up”, finding love with a new mate?

The thoughts that I am old, I don’t have many chances to settle down and that there will always be an abyss of experience separating me from the girls around my age buzz in my head and drive me mad.

Thank you very much in advance!

Virgin In The Wild

[Read more…]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Should I Dump My Kinky Boyfriend?

March 23, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Doc, please help.

I’ve been dating this great guy for two months, and the whole time he’s been talking about toys and buttplay. As it turns out, he’s a sub and wants to be dominated.

Sex, for me, has gotten less and less pleasing for me; meanwhile, now he wants to get his beads out. I’m frustrated because his dick has not been very hard the last couple times we had sex. I wanted to try and enjoy having sex with him but every time, he wants me to play with his ass. I can’t sleep and I’ve been crying about my feelings of inadequacy. I don’t want to disappoint my BF, just as I’m trying to tell him it’s been shitty sex. I just want to have normal sex with a hard dick. And I usually do and it’s great.

Should I break up with this guy? Or is worth experimenting with anal beads and stuff? I feel bad but I just can’t do it.

Not Up for Butts

[Read more…]

Episode #70 – Bridging The Love Gap with Jenna Birch

March 22, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Normally when I talk about dating issues, I’m talking about issues that primarily affect men, from a man’s perspective. However, it can also be incredibly useful to look at the dating issues that women face as well. Not only does this help overcome misconceptions that men often have about the dating experience for women, but also illustrates ways that our own misunderstandings about relationships and what women want can get in the way of dating success. So this week, I’m talking with Jenna Birch, author of The Love Gap: A Radical Plan to Win at Life And Love about her book, what women go through in the modern dating world and what straight men might want to know about dating from the other side of the equation.

Show Highlights:

  • How men and women approach dating differently
  • Why what we say we want in a partner and what we actually pursue are often so different
  • Laser thinking vs. Web thinking
  • How Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs can affect your love life
  • Why backburnering may not be a bad thing after all

And so much more…

Related Links:

The Love Gap: A Radical Plan To Win At Life And Love

What Do Women Really Want In A Man?

Is She Right For You?

Five Times You Shouldn’t Be Dating

The Dating Advice People Need to STOP Giving

Five Behaviors That Ruin Relationships

Listen Here
Download Here


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Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

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About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

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