Archives for September 2018

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Should I Lower My Standards?

September 28, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc, I started dating in my early twenties and in that time I learned a lot about who I gel with and who to stay the hell away from. However one thing that I noticed was a common theme:

I kept dating people I wasn’t really attracted to.

I felt that I had to “learn and practice” dating with people I didn’t have much interest and that I had to be “good” at it before going for who I really wanted to date. Mostly because whenever I meet someone I’m really attracted to, I always fuck it up, get oneitis, self-sabotage, and don’t know how to fix it. It feels like the universe conspires to make sure I don’t get what I want and that I don’t deserve it (which is confusing because it’s not like I’m asking for much or anyways. Just someone who is into books, deep conversations, and is on the nerdier and curvier side of physical looks. I really don’t care if someone is “hot” or “smokin” in the looks department). I think those are fair standards right?

I see my types all over the place so “scarcity” shouldn’t be an issue. If I mess up I can just try again. But the problem is that everything feels out of reach for me and that I have to settle for people I am not attracted to (despite having interests in common for friendship which is nice, but I am looking for something more than just friends.) I never have these problems with people I’m not attracted to, but I’ll have sex with them anyways to get my sexual needs met, and then I feel bad for not giving them my full undivided interest and attention when it comes to dating and then I eventually just fade things off.

Is finding sexual partners I want really just a never ending mirage?

Lowered Expectations

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do Turn My Life Around?

September 24, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello Doc

My life is hell and always has been. Especially, for the last four years. I am twenty one years old chronologically, but biologically I am probably in my late thirties, early forties. This is because I have done absolutely nothing for the last four years, and I mean nothing except self destructive behaviour and have my self esteem destroyed by my parents (very controlling, domineering and mean at times).

For the last four years, I have not been in education, employment or training. Almost every day, my day would be spent lying in bed on the internet, pacing around occasionally and eating a lot of junk food. That sounds very bad and it’s is, but it’s not until very recently I have realized just what a intolerable lifestyle this is and how I could have done so much better. I hate it and always have, but for almost all of the last four years I have thought it was the best lifestyle I was capable of. I have no idea why I didn’t try to change it.

There were a couple of people who I spoke to during this time who urged me to change my ways and do something to change it. I never did, as I genuinely felt getting a job was beyond me. I know now it was not. These people remain the most positive social contact I ever had. I treated them poorly and obviously I regret that, but not as much as I do not listening to them.

What hurts most is, I used to be handsome guy three or four years ago and got a lot of attention for my looks. Now, I look nothing like that and very old and tired. Plus, my body is far too young to look and feel how it does.

I have bumped into a few people from high school, too. Their reactions always make me feel bad, as people who I know liked me always seem sad and like they pity me when they see me, whereas people I know who disliked me seem quite happy to see me now. I did not treat anyone badly in high school, so it hurts that they take pleasure in seeing me fail.

What makes it worse is that my brother is going to sixth form in September, as I did five years ago. He has a girlfriend, is going to school and recently got a job in the local cinema I almost applied for at his age (closest I ever came to applying for a job and wish I did it now). It brings back a few memories of me at that age and I can’t stop thinking of what might have been.

I regret everything about the last five years and have become the worst version of myself. It has been my dream to find somebody to love and move in with and finally be free from this prison cell, but my self destructive and lazy habits have robbed me of that hope.

I should have joined the army when I was forced to leave sixth form at 17. If I had I could have been in good health, looking great and flirting with women I like yet i am lying in my bed, unloved and alone. Is this all that life can show to me?

I feel ashamed of myself for how I lived for the last four years. I know it’s my fault I am in this mess and I should not be depressed about ruining my body and appearance as others have much worse problems. Yet, still; I must mourn!

Can I change Doc? Can I become a socially successful attractive guy and get a awesome girlfriend( my own age)? Will I finally leave home even with the poor job prospects I currently have and finally be free? What do I do?

P.S I don’t even enjoy junk food I are it because that was just how things were. My whole family had bad eating habits. How I have lived, both in terms how I treated my body and how barely did anything for four years. It all seems very silly now, but it always does afterwards, doesn’t it?

P.S.S one of those supposed reasons I didn’t apply for a job was because I was too shy for it. When I considered working a the cinema at 16 my parents actively discouraged it for that reason. I shouldn’t have listened to them.

Stuck In The Past

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Help, I Have Too Many Men In My Life

September 21, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove,
I’m a college student who semi-recently ended the only relationship I have ever been in. After taking a few months to recover, I have gotten over my old relationship, which started in high school. Recently, now that I am single, I am getting a lot of attention from guys, both from ones that I am attracted to and not attracted to. I have ended up in a predicament in which I feel like I have at least three guys (but generally more) contacting me any given day. The guys can generally be categorized as:

1. Guy I had no initial attraction to, but due to not wanting to be seen as shallow, have wanted to reciprocate in case they are actually really cool dudes who are actually my soulmates who would grow on me in time (my ex boyfriend I was not initially very attracted to but after dating him for a while I fell for him)
2. Guy I am not attracted to and have been trying to kindly reject but are generally not getting the hint
3. Guy I am attracted to and he is attracted to me

The second category of guys is the largest for me. Most of these guys I have assumed were interested in a friendship, and only later I have realized they wanted to talk to me because they were attracted to me. The problem is, they are really nice guys and my attempts at telling them that I only see them as friends can go over their heads, no matter how explicit I think I’m being.

The first category I unfortunately lead on for the early stages of my post-breakup life. I assumed men I was attracted to would not ever feel the same way about me and that it would be shallow to not give people a chance based on first impressions. I don’t know how to reject someone after giving them a chance, so it stresses me out whenever I receive a message from or talk to a guy from this category.

The third category of guys stresses me out a lot because of two reasons:

1. I think they are only looking to hook up or they actually are only looking to hook up
2. I think they lose interest or they actually lose interest

I am anxious to go out with guys I am attracted to because I think they are just going to try to sleep with me instead of get to know me more (because they often are). When it comes to actually hanging out with these guys, I generally procrastinate doing so because situations like that make me uncomfortable. If I do actually get up the courage to meet these men, they either lose interest or I think they lose interest and I decide to instead meet some new attractive men to date. Sometimes, however, the guy who I thought lost interest actually didn’t and later contacts me but I already have a guy who I also like too.

My phone keeps blowing up from way too many messages every day, and all I want is to have one guy who I like message me and show me interest and that he actually want to get to know me before giving me a tour of his bedroom. How do I get myself out of this mess I’ve made myself?

Too Much of A Weird Thing

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Please Pardon The Interruption – Paging Dr. NerdLove resumes in October

September 19, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey NerdLovers! I’m currently on vacation, which means that there won’t be a new episode of Paging Dr. NerdLove until I get back in two weeks. In the mean time, if you want to keep up with my adventures, be sure to follow me on Instagram where I’m probably going to post an obscene number of pictures.

See y’all on the flipside!

Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Should I Respond To Being Ghosted?

September 17, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Dr. NerdLove,

Been reading your stuff for awhile and it’s been really helpful. I’m a 28 year old male that’s been in a dating drought for about 3 years now, but this summer has been quite a bit different.

So I’ve gone on a couple dates with a girl from work over the course of this last month. I wish I could say it’s been smooth sailing but it hasn’t. I asked this girl if she wanted to go to a friend’s birthday party, which she agreed. As the night went on, we were flirting and ended up having a very passionate make-out session (Awesome!), after which we planned our first actual date. Before the date, we texted frequently and she talked about how excited she was, but also told me that she’s terrible at texting, hasn’t dated in awhile, and considers herself a “work in progress.” I thought these might be red flags, so I ignored them.

The first date went great, I cooked for her, we watched a movie, made out, then went on a walk and were totally into each other and planned for a second date the following week. She went home and thanked me for a great night. The day after our first date, she got some bad news that she didn’t get a promotion that she was lead to believe was in the bag for her. She was pretty devastated. I was unaware of this and she didn’t communicate much during this time which was leading me to believe she wasn’t interested. But she told me she was still interested and wanted another date. So we planned for the next week. The day of date 2, comes by and she cancels on me saying she’s sick with food poisoning. My BS detector was giving me a strong indication that this was in fact, BS. The BS detector was validated when I saw later that day that she posted on Instagram about how hard she worked out at the gym, the day of our date, “sick with food poisoning.” Nice.

But I’m a hard learner, so I stuck around. The only reason I decided to stick around was because in the text, she wanted to reschedule for the next Tuesday when we were both off. So I figured I’d see what happens. The few days before the rescheduled 2nd date she had apologized and explained the whole thing about not getting promoted and that she’s not a flaky girl, so I was cool with that. She took me to breakfast for the second date and it went well enough. The next day or so I asked her out on a 3rd date which she happily accepted. I texted her the day before our date to firm up some details about if I was picking her up, and she took FOREVER to respond, like 7 hours. I try not to double text and not come off as needy, but I had to in this case. She sent a super brief text claiming she thought she responded (I’m sure) and was cool with me picking her up. So the day arrives, I’m supposed to take her to dinner after she gets off work but I already get the feeling it’s not gonna happen. I send her a text the morning of to confirm that we’re still on for the night. 6 hours goes by, not a word. Then about an hour before shes supposed to get off work she calls me and all I could hear was her crying, trying to talk to me but I couldn’t make out a word. So she sent me a text saying she had a sore throat and wouldn’t be able to do our date but didn’t want me to think she was lying and was struggling that day.

I thought this was pretty genuine and we rescheduled again for the next week. As this week went by we texted every couple of days and I would see her at work and we’d chill in the breakroom if we were both in there. Everything was cool. I call her 2 days before our date to firm up our plans and she was excited and totally down. We talked for a little bit and everything seemed peachy. The day of the date arrives, I send her a text that morning (about 10 a.m.) saying good morning and asking her what time she wanted me to pick her up. Now based on my previous experience with her terrible texting behavior and the fact that she was all for our date and flirty at work, I didn’t stress about not getting a response for a few hours. By 3 p.m. I started to think this was looking like a repeat of last time. By 4:30 pm I finally sent another text asking if she was still wanting to go out tonight. I saw that she was active on Instagram so I knew she wasn’t dead. By 5:30 pm I called and didn’t get an answer. Then I followed up with an “Are you ok?” text that I wish I could take back because it’s lame and was sent in a moment of desperation. I finally admitted to myself what was happening so I completely deleted her from my phone and unfollowed her on Instagram so I couldn’t send anymore texts.

So yeah, I was lead on for weeks and then ghosted on the 3rd date by someone I’ll see at work pretty frequently. I’m beyond confused as to why she would do something so rude and I’m not sure how to deal with this when I see her again at work. I want to confront her about it, but that seems pointless because in the end I’ll still want nothing to do with her. So I’d like to take the high road, but I don’t know what that looks like. Thankfully I’ll be quitting in 5 weeks when school starts back up and then moving onto a new job, so I’ll never see her again. But until then, I’ll see her a lot.

Any sage advice?

Sincerely,
Ghost Buster

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