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Archives for November 2018

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Is It Time To Leave

November 30, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

I’m a long time reader and I’ve never needed personalised advice before (happy enough to read your advice to others), but here we are.

I have been dating Alpha for three years and a half now. We started having the best sex of our lives and then discovered we were meant for each other. He is intellectually stimulating in a way my former partners weren’t, he is caring (puts up pretty well with my ups and downs), he makes me laugh and he loves me unconditionally. These things have been there from the start and still are.

However, he’s also got pretty big family issues, he was depressed and addicted to drugs in the past and he probably has some kind of mental health problem – a mood disorder, I’d say. He refuses to seek help because of bad past experiences with psychiatrists and psychologists.

I’m 28 and he’s 26. I’ve got a degree, a nice job, plans for the future, lots of hobbies and tons of friends. He finished high school, dropped out of college, has no work experience, has isolated himself from his friends and, since we’re together, spends his time smoking joints, playing video games/instruments, reading and working on a crazy startup project (already for 2 years) which doesn’t look profitable at all.

I’m the caretaker type and I’ve reeeally tried. I’ve paid for a psychologist, but he stopped going. I’ve offered him love and all the space he needs (he’s a bit antisocial). About a year ago, I started feeling deeply unhappy: we spent almost no time together, no time with my friends ever and he talked all the time about moving together but didn’t seem to be getting anywhere with job/studies. I tried to talk to him many times, even sent him a letter. Nothing worked.

I recently moved out of my parents’ place, sick of waiting for him to get a job.

And then it happened. I went to a music festival and reconnected with a great friend, Bravo. I kind of liked him at university, but he was so difficult, and still is. Amazing, creative, fun to party with, a music connoisseur… but at 31 he’s still trying to finish his degree, has almost no work experience and is a bit of a mess. See a pattern there?

We started talking a lot, dancing and ended up making out while drunk. I felt so guilty. And Bravo doesn’t even remember!

The thing is Bravo and I have been having this weird story for 10 years. All we have had are drunken hookups because he was always so weird and I’ve always thought he found me hot, but he wasn’t interested. Sex has never been great cause he was always so drunk, too. I recently asked Bravo if he was interested in me at university and he was, but I wasn’t brave enough to ask if it was love or lust.

I was the first person with whom he cheated on his only girlfriend. I once kissed him while in a relationship crisis and broke up with the guy the next day. And now this: I’m in a crisis, and here he comes again.

After making out with Bravo and with another random guy, I told Alpha I needed a break. He didn’t think it was a good idea, suddenly realised how unfair he had been to me and surprise! the miracle happened. He got a job, he moved in with me and he started hanging out with my friends. He more or less forgave my infidelity, although he doesn’t know who it was with.

Fast forward two months and Alpha been having problems with getting paid. The little he’s got goes to the startup. I pay for everything. And he refuses to look for another job till they pay him, giving himself excuses. He tries to be tidy and clean around our home, but it’s not his nature. He tries to hang out with my friends, but I can tell he doesn’t enjoy it.

And last weekend I went partying. Bravo was there. My best friend and him are starting something long distance, and I’m happy for them – they’re a bit of a mess, but it might work. They’re two of my favourite people.

While drinking some shots, Bravo told me he’s starting to really like my best friend, and he doesn’t want to, he’s scared, since he always fucks up these things. I told him he should really try this time, and also that I wish my boyfriend was partying with us, that things were better and that I loved him very much. We were happy for each other.

One hour later we were unspeakably drunk, kissing each other like teenagers and having to restraint ourselves not to go home together. We were even caressing and all fluffy.

And now I can’t stop thinking about Bravo, about our conversations and about having sex with him. He hasn’t texted me, but has replied to a text I couldn’t help sending. I don’t think Bravo feels the same way, he likes my best friend and it’s so difficult for him to like a girl.

So here I am. Alpha loves me deeply and has started to change (the job!!!), but it seems it’s not enough, and that he’s just doing it for me, not because he really wants to. I don’t want to leave him just when he’s trying so hard and make him move back with his family. I also don’t want to be unfaithful and I’m getting close to that every day.

And Bravo is starting something with my best friend. I don’t think I can compete with her, she’s great at charming guys. And I also don’t want to, since Bravo is basically like Alpha, the same red flags. Just a bit more of a party animal and more social, that’s it. And with a story of infidelity and fear of commitment, which makes him way worse than Alpha. Even if my body and feelings tell me so, I don’t want a relationship with him.
But what’s wrong with us? Why can’t we seem to move on after 10 years and still come back to each other even when it’s the worst idea ever?

What can I do, Doctor? I’m a bit desperate.

Attracted to Peter Pans

[Read more…]

Episode #101 – This is Why You Can’t Get Over Her

November 28, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Friends, do you suffer from uncontrollable longing for someone who barely knows you’re alive? Are you unable to get over that break up, even after months or years? Do you have the sinking feeling that nobody in the world could be as right for you or mean as much as she does? Are you afraid that this was your last chance for true love?

Then you may suffer from a disease known as Oneitis. Symptoms include heart palpitations, hopelessness, anxiety, terminal loneliness, embarrassing Spotify playlists, failed romantic relationships and a tendency to seek out pornstars that look like your ex. But there is hope! Stay tuned for a special offer that’s guaranteed to cure your oneitis… Today!

Show Highlights:

  • Why it’s so hard to get over an ex
  •  What we get wrong about Oneitis
  •  How to understand why you can’t get over her
  •  Why you need to practice some radical forgiveness
  •  How learning to get over your ex can make your relationships better

… and so much more.

Related Links:

Eliminating Neediness

How To Develop An Abundance Mentality

Do You Suffer From Oneitis

How To Get Over Her

Getting Over Your Fear of Rejection

The Wrong Way To Get Your Ex Back

Listen Here
Download Here


Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher and on YouTube.

Like the podcast? Become a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Can I Avoid Being An Accidental Creeper?

November 26, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc, 

A lot of discussions and articles about creepiness often say many things on what not to do. It starts to feel like “Here are 30,00 ways to not approach or flirt with women, don’t do any of them and you have a chance at not being evil”. And it also gets worse when there are also many things that just MIGHT be creepy, and that’s even worse when you’re not good at reading body language, and it makes any social anxiety or self-doubting you may have get even worse.

So what are some examples of ways to approach and flirt with women that are definitely not creepy?

Creep-Anxious Dude

[Read more…]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Did Porn Ruin Our Sex Life?

November 23, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

My husband (to whom I have been married for nine years) and I haven’t had sex for more than two and a half years.  When the dearth began, it seemed mutual.  Our physical connection had never been strong, and he was highly interested in his hobbies (mostly watching movies and television).  Because our connection had not been strong, I didn’t mind a short break.  I just never dreamed it would last as long as it has.  It is looking as though I will never have sex again, barring an affair or a divorce.  (We do not plan to get a divorce, not so much “for the sake of the children,” but because we both wish to remain an intact family with those children.  We like our family life, appreciate each other’s co-parenting, and could not afford to live separately.)

I have known for longer than the length of this dry spell that my husband is a porn user.  I never liked it, but I also didn’t predict that it would cause an absolute end to our sex life.  The very young women featured in his preferred porn look nothing like me;  however, his choice does, at least, indicate that he is heterosexual, and I was under the impression that very many men managed to enjoy porn and also have sex in real life.

My husband is highly apologetic for his inability to have renewed interest in sex.  I remain confused about his absolute lack of sex drive.  His testosterone was somewhat low when tested a few years ago, and it probably became lower with age.  However, it seems to be the case that his interest in porn is deep, but sporadic.  He is trying to quit because he says it is a bad use of his time and he feels bad and dirty about it;  he is politically progressive and does not (intellectually/politically) support the porn industry.  He can go a month or two without using, but when he does use it, he maintains a real web presence about it, sharing with other men on various social media sites.  He has a screen name and a persona.  I would normally think that someone with such a deep interest in porn would, after denying himself for a few weeks, be willing to try real-life sex, as an alternative to nothing.

Based on what you know of men, sex, and porn, does this add up?  I keep wondering if there is a reason for his reluctance that he is not telling me.  I can see that he is lacking the vitality and lustfulness I have seen in other men.  In a way, it is believable that he has no libido.  Why, then, the very strong interest in porn?

FWIW, I spent the first half of this year trying to press the issue, by forcing him into a discussion that he strongly resisted.  I then decided to seek therapy (just for myself), and through self work, I have reached a level of acceptance.  I have learned to be nice about it.  His answer is “no,” and I no longer press for discussion.  I am largely focusing on other areas of my life, with the idea in the back of my mind that I will treat myself to a discreet affair once per decade until I am so old that it is impossible.  That’s at least three affairs, if I maintain The Golden Girls as my inspiration.  (I could have up to five if I channel my inner Sophia.)

I understand that you will not be able to endorse my plans for infidelity.  Can you, though, offer insight into my husband’s sexuality?

Yours truly,

Puzzled Over Porn

[Read more…]

Episode #100 – Is She Flirting or Just Being Friendly?

November 21, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

How do you tell the difference between when someone’s flirting with you and just being polite? And why are we so bad at telling the two apart in the first place?

SHOW HIGHLIGHTS:

  • How men and women both misjudge flirting behavior in others
  • Why “Straight Dude Thinking” gets in the way of flirting success
  • Why we confuse parasocial relationships for genuine interest
  • How to recognize the signs that someone is flirting with you
  • The number one key to recognizing that someone is interested… and not just being friendly.

 

RELATED LINKS:

  • Ask Dr. NerdLove: What’s the Difference Between Flirting and Just Being Friendly?
  • Read Her Signs (Without Reading The Tea Leaves)
  • Fix Your Flirting
  • How To Get Women To Approach You
  • 5 Signs Women Want You To Approach Them

Listen Here
Download Here


Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher and on YouTube.

Like the podcast? Become a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

Next Page »

About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

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Recent Comments

  • Will S. Oh my Transient Friend, I've been there, twice in a row with workmates - it was like reading a part of my own life story! My best advice would be just stop messaging her and move on immedialtey. If...

    I Was A Nice Guy And It Backfired. How Do I Win My Friend Back? ·  June 26, 2022

  • Belinda I had a f**k buddy situation in college for six months and I was completely infatuated with the guy. I wanted some much more for him, which he was well aware of. He did ask me to hang out, which I did...

    My Boyfriend’s Kink Turns Me Off. What Do I Do? ·  June 26, 2022

  • fuzzilla On the one hand, it might have kept me stuck and not fully open to dating someone else (and I did date other people, but maybe I wasn’t as “all in” as I could have been). On the other hand, it...

    My Boyfriend’s Kink Turns Me Off. What Do I Do? ·  June 26, 2022

  • Belinda It was an eye-opening experience. One I kind of wish I didn't have. I mean, a good number of these guys were my buddies. They were flirtatious with me and I of course assumed there were other women...

    I Was A Nice Guy And It Backfired. How Do I Win My Friend Back? ·  June 26, 2022

  • Belinda "To wait for the guy to volunteer more before giving him the world." Or don't treat him like your boyfriend unless he's your boyfriend. Idk. I am not a fan of FWBs. Hooking up a couple of times, fine....

    My Boyfriend’s Kink Turns Me Off. What Do I Do? ·  June 26, 2022

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