Archives for April 2019

Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Tell People I’m A Virgin?

April 29, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc!

I’m a junior in college who is very busy all the time with school and activities. I am a nursing major, so I am constantly spending time in the library studying for hours on end. I’m a very social person and enjoy being with others, but one thing I’m lacking – I’ve never been in a relationship and I’m a virgin.

I know that it is something I should not be ashamed of, but in our culture, it brings my confidence down a lot. It’s not that I am not interested in a relationship, but I have just never had an opportunity for one, so I feel like I am behind and don’t know how to talk to guys.

Not many people know that I am a virgin, as I just try to avoid the topic and have even sometimes just went along with the fact that I’ve had sex, even though I haven’t.

How can I become more confident with myself and how would I go about talking to a guy about my lack of experience?

I could really use your advice, as I’ve been struggling with this for a few years. THANK YOU!!!

First Timer

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Why Do I Only Date Men Who Want To Use Me?

April 26, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

I hope this message finds you well. I have been reading some of your advice to other hoomans and figured it’d be nice to walk away with some perspective for problems of my own.

Some things to know about me are that I am a straight, cisgendered 23 year old woman with strong hetero-romantic inclinations towards men, particularly men of color. I am Dominican-American, meaning, I was U.S. born and am a product of Dominican parents. I grew up in a single parent household where my mother was my caregiver and because of that I never really grew up around me or even knew anything about men until I started dating and befriending them some time around high-school.

To get to the point of my issue: I have only had one very real relationship. It was with a Brazilian guy that I met at my University. We hit it off so well that I went on to meeting his family in Brazil and had a 2 year long relationship. Come to find that he was actually just in it for the visa. I should have seen the red flags coming when our first day doing long distance (me in the States and him in Brazil) he was obsessively trying to calculate how to make his way back to the U.S. by coming up with the craziest conclusions. And before you say it was because he wanted to be with me, once that boy got a student visa to come do his masters in the U.S. that was it for our relationship. A week before his student visa coming in the mail and a month away from flying to the states to be exact. Anyway the details as to why I believed he was interested in me for the visa are long-winded and extremely painful to discuss.

Due to my cultural background I know these type of tricks exist. There is even a Dominican hit called “Pa manga’ mi Visa” which is about a two men who delineate specifics as to how and why he wants to date a “gringa” –to get his visa. Over and over I see this happening. Either an actual business like transaction where both parties involved know its a fake relationship with the means of receiving real marriage visas in exchange for money OR the worst one where the other person doesn’t know they are being deceived.

As you can imagine, this experience was really traumatic. As a woman that considers she has daddy issues and has started out life with a very low notion of self worth with an enormous amount of frustration towards myself and constant resugrances of imposter syndrome throughout my academic career –this was a blow to my person. I hit an all time low where I underwent chronic depression and even went through a period of suicidal ideation. Because I gave him everything and loved him unconditionally. Needless to say, he broke my heart.

My first boyfriend was Saudi and all he wanted was to get it in because he clearly couldn’t do that in his hometown without facing some hurdles. He used me for sex and took my virginity.

Present day, I feel pretty healed from that experience and am in the search for new experiences with genuine people. I feel I can speak for all women when I say that it is as though I am constantly hitting a brick wall. Just a few months ago it happened yet again, another Brazilian ( Idk wtf right?). This time it was short lived because I knew to look for the signs. As soon as he said “I have a court case coming up that will determine my status in this country” I knew that that “I love you” one month into the relationship was total love bombing and BS.

Just last week I ended up dating a guy from Venezuela. He has refugee status and is set on that front but due to my past experiences I decided to lie to him by telling him I was born in the DR. But come to find that we had sex 5 times in a row literally a night ago and he already broke the “call the night after having sex rule” where he was texting me every morning for the last week and just right after having sex he completely goes missing. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he just didn’t want to come off as clingy BUT like dude..c’mon. I feel so used right now!!

So at 23 I have reached the conclusion that dating men is hard. Especially when you don’t know much about men. I want to find someone genuine but through my 6 experiences thus far I only get the ones that are horny and only want sex or the kind that want a visa. I know that my easy fix is not dating men that have weird immigration statuses and that I should focus on dating men that already have that documented status secured. But I can’t help but wonder if I am just a means for someone’s ends all the time? Like, I get that people are highly self interested and that being selfish is part of human nature. But I feel like I am a good girl trying to date a good guy. I consider myself tender, humble, open minded, caring and overall really loving. I’m just really pessimistic of the future and what it holds for me. And if maybe I should just remain single. I just find that it is so hard to get caught up in thinking that my self worth is measured by a guy’s attractions towards me and if all life has been handing me thus far is an absent father, a couple visa-seekers, and douchebags that only want sex, it’s hard to believe yourself as someone worthy of love and affection. I just seem to suffer more than most people and get my heart broken too easily. Something that may take someone 1 month to get over literally takes me an entire year. And I don’t want this for myself anymore. I’m done crying and suffering over this and I just want to make peace with myself… I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
Free Lunch

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Episode #112 – Overcoming Your Self-Limiting Beliefs

April 24, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Almost every guy out there who struggles with dating, is holding on to these self-limiting beliefs: beliefs and assumptions about yourself and the world that hold you back from achieving your true potential. It’s time to break free from the lies we tell ourselves and discover what we’re truly capable of.

SHOW HIGHLIGHTS:

How to understand what self-limiting beliefs really are
How to recognize our own self-limiting beliefs
Why our beliefs are a self-fulfilling prophecy
What it takes to break free from the cycle
Why compassion is the most important trait for self-improvement

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Why Doesn’t My Husband Want Me?

April 22, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

I am a (woman? Nonbinary person?… Still figuring that out…) in my 30s. My husband and I have been together for almost ten years now, and in that time we have been through some majorly difficult situations. A few years ago I was in a car accident that left me bedridden for a few months and while I have mostly recovered, I will have pain and some mobility issues for the rest of my life. When I lost my job because my mobility issues had a bigger impact on my ability to work than we thought they would, we were briefly homeless. Relying on my social connections (he wasn’t close enough to anyone to feel that he could reach out), we were able to pull ourselves out of that. I have been able to find a job more suited to my capabilities, and although it does not pay well, we are ok financially because we have adjusted to live within the means of his job (mostly by moving 3 hours away to less rent intensive city – we weren’t spending frivolously before).

Through all of our difficulties, hubby has repeatedly shown himself to be a caring guy and a loving partner. We are socially, values-wise, and spiritually compatible, and we really compliment each other’s skill sets in a lot of areas and help each other grow. I feel like we are a dream team in all areas but sex.

I have been saying for years that I wish our sex life were more… Interactive, I guess? I feel like it’s always either his turn or my turn, and my turn only comes when I break down and beg for it. This is not a problem that I’ve had with previous partners. His experience before me was fairly limited, so I guess I always figured we were just in a learning curve. He has gotten a little better about this over the years, but ultimately I feel like our sex life doesn’t really include me at all. I have stopped asking for anything really because having to beg for an orgasm means that I am not able to enjoy the stimulation enough to get there. Sometimes after sex I find myself fantasizing about leaving him. Sometimes I even get stuck in suicidal ideation.

Recently he told me that he saw Terry Crews talking about porn addiction, and thought that he had it and that was causing our sexual difficulties. Before this neither of us really saw how his porn habit was a contributing factor. He said that he had gotten so stuck in the pattern of a solo habit that being turned on was like switching a flip in his brain that made him feel like he was alone. He started seeing a therapist (this is all very recent) and told me that he wants to start working on having a real sexual connection with me. I want more than anything to have that connection with him, but frankly the idea of being present in sex at this point sends me into a total meltdown.

I do have a therapy appointment scheduled, but as an Autistic woman who is very very good at masking, I feel like therapists really don’t understand what I’m saying a lot of the time. (I was diagnosed as a child, taught to act neurotypical, and then just sort of tossed back into the general population with no acknowledgment that I might have some less obvious problems… And I did pretty well at pretending that I did not.) While I’m often very good at understanding other people (I have had to make a very intensive study of this just to keep up), I am not good at all at making myself understood. Therapists, I have found, often tend to get fixated on helping me through issues that are common but not at all what I’m struggling with, and when I try to correct them they assume that I’m in denial. While this has taught me a lot about how to understand and help my friends, it leaves me to figure out my stuff on my own, and frankly I’m flummoxed here. How do I cope with being present in sex when alarm bells are going off in my head the whole time? The logical part of my brain says that now that the problem has been identified, we have a real path to victory here, but the emotional part of my brain does not see the path at all. Please help!

Waiting For My Turn

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Overcome my Shyness?

April 19, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

I’ve got quite the problem, I’m shy, introverted, and never really get out. I’ll start with my biggest problem, I don’t get out much. I go to college and work and that’s about it. About once or twice a month I’ll hang out with friends but that’s as much as I get out of the house. I used to get out a lot more, but as my friends got older they took on more hobbies, extracurricular activities, and some got girlfriends, so all their time was taken up and that has left me with no excuses to get out of the house. I’d love to get out more but going places without people you know is always kind of intimidating. What would you recommend I do to feel more comfortable when I’m out without people I know? What are some kinds of places or activities would you recommend for going out to meet new people, maybe some new friends or maybe some ladies.

My other problem is partly because I’m shy. I’m not completely shy; like I can hold a conversation on something I’m knowledgable or passionate about, but I can’t carry on a conversation very long by myself. I also am clueless on how to start up a conversation (with the ladies) in a situation where you wouldn’t normally meet. If I were at school or at work,I can easily start up a conversation with my female coworkers or classmates since I have a solid reason to, like just talking to pass the time at work or start talking about something related to the class, and can go from there in the conversation. But, in a situation where it is a completely random girl, I have no idea how I would even say hello without it being weird. Since I’m someone she doesn’t know who doesn’t have any real reason to talk to her out of nowhere, how would I even approach her without being weird? So basically how would I start up a conversation with a girl I’ve never met before and have no reason to talk to her but I’d like to get to know her? And then even after that how would I direct a conversation so it could be something I am knowledgeable on or passionate about so I can actually talk and not sit there like a log awkwardly? And what are some ways to keep the conversation from being dull?

And lastly, I’m more of a person who only talks when the subject is about something I’m knowledgeable about or am passionate about because I don’t want to say something that would make me sound like an idiot, so I end up just being someone who only listens in most conversations. How could I enter a conversation on something I don’t know much about without sounding like an idiot or completely derailing the conversation?

Thanks,
Pink Slip

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