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Archives for June 2019

Learning The (Love) Lessons of End of Evangelion

June 28, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

One of the issues that can make discussing dating and self-improvement difficult is just how abstract some of the ideas we talk about can be. It’s one thing to talk about concepts like the difference between internal or external validation or what being charming looks like in practice. That’s why it can be handy to have an example to turn to, an easily accessible reference that can make some of these concepts a little simpler to understand when we see them played out in front of us.

And now that now that Neon Genesis Evangelion is out on Netflix, we’re going to take one of the most cerebral and philosophical and in some cases mindfuckingly weird anime series out there and wring some self-improvement advice out of it and answer some of life’s biggest questions.

Neon Genesis Evangelion
Yes, like that.
Wait, what do you mean “again?”

And just a head’s up: we’re going to be talking extensively about both the broadcast series – including the series finale – and the movie End of Evangelion, so consider this your massive spoiler warning.

PART 1: GET IN THE FUCKING THERAPIST’S OFFICE, SHINJI

One of the things that draws people into Evangelion is the character of Shinji Ikari. He’s very much the audience’s avatar, their entry point into their participation this world — something that’s fairly standard for most television series, and especially a mecha-action series like Evangelion; in fact, over the course of the first third of the story, the series is an almost prototypical example of the genre. At first it seems like it’s going to be the same story we’ve seen a thousand times before, just standing out by being more visually striking than other, similar entries, with designs, themes and visuals that other shows and movies would blatantly rip off years later.

Looking directly at you, Pacific Rim: Uprising.

Also it may be more than 20 years old, but the theme song still slaps.

But it’s the character of Shinji that’s the real draw. Unlike a lot of protagonists in shows like these, he’s… well, he’s kind of a whiny little jerk. He’s pretty much in a constant state of anxiety and self-doubt, always feeling like he’s been tossed head first into a life that’s continually raging out of his control. He’s overwhelmed by his responsibilities, alternately confused and scared of the new status quo he’s found himself in and he finds himself almost desperate for the approval of the adults around him… especially his cold and distant father.

And you thought YOU had daddy issues…

Emotionally, he’s a wreck; he has no self-confidence to speak of, he vacillates between being attracted to, confounded by and frustrated with the women in his life. He constantly feels like they’re teasing and taunting him for no reason and those moments of what seem like sincerity and genuine connection are then met with more mockery.

Half of the time, he wants to run away from his responsibilities and the insanity around him and isolate himself in his own little world, but feels like he has no choice but to come back and deal with it, despite having no goddamn clue what to do.
And despite however hard he works at the one thing that seems to bring his life meaning — the one thing he hopes will gain him the approval of others — it never seems to be enough. Which only increases his constant fear of abandonment.

So hands up if any of that feels familiar to you.

It’s not really surprising that so many people find that Shinji really resonates with them; his inner emotional turmoil mirrors what so much of the audience feels. In fact, part of the genesis1 of Evangelion was creator Hideki Anno’s dealing with his almost crippling depression; the story of Evangelion — and Shinji in particular — is the story of Anno coming to terms with his lifelong struggle with depression, alienation and the feeling that he lacks self-worth. And he put a LOT of himself in the character of Shinji.

In a way, Shinji is the ultimate wish-fulfillment character; because the audience identifies so strongly with Shinji, we want to see him succeed and get everything he wanted because it feels like the audience succeeds along with him.

Just as importantly though, because so many people identify so strongly with him, Shinji represents an opportunity to talk about how to achieve the goals that he and the audience share — the desire to find the happiness, validation, acceptance and love, that Shinji is longing for.

But in a very real way, Shinji — and by extension, the audience who identifies with him — is the author of his and their own misery.

So without getting too deep into the lore, one of the ideas that is presented is the concept of the AT Field. In the show, this is represented by an impenetrable barrier that the Angels manifest that shields them from harm.

…most of the time

As the show progresses, we discover that all living, sentient beings have AT fields… and the AT Fields are the manifestation of our fear of being hurt, which is keeping us isolated from others. This is reflected in one of the recurring themes of the series: Shinji’s isolation and loneliness and the way his unwillingness to connect with others conflicts with his desire to be accepted.

He wants people to validate his existence but by the same token, he can’t bring himself to accept it, and his progression as a character is the continual confrontation with the reality that he can’t rely on his relationships to other people to define him or give him meaning. Part of the pathos of his character is how often the things he craves most are denied or pulled away from him.

But as cruel as it may seem, those moments of loss and denial are indicative of lessons that Shinji — and by extension, the audience — needs to learn. In fact, we regularly see Shinji literally confronting himself in an attempt to come to terms with what needs to change for him to actually be happy and self-actualized.

LITERALLY.

The problem… is that Shinji represents two very distinct paths that the people who identify with him tend to travel down down.

Between the broadcast series and the film End of Evangelion, we get two different versions of the end — the end of both the narrative and the world. In both versions, NERV has failed, having been betrayed from within from the very start; the apocalypse is upon us and the Instrumentality Project has begun, causing all life on earth to dissolve as everyone functionally reunites into one universal being… essentially Buddhist concept of the dissolution of the self and ascension to Nirvana.

It starts with an earthquake, birds and snakes and aeroplanes…

But the two versions of the apocalypse go in very different directions.

Now I’m not going to get into the meta-aspects of why the series ended the way it did or why  End of Evangelion was made and whether it’s Anno’s giant middle finger to fandom; that’s not really relevant to our discussion here.

Instead, I want to talk about how, in a very real way, the difference between the ending of the broadcast series and the movie represent the two paths that Shinji — and again, the audience — face. One version serving as a guide… and one as a warning.

PART TWO: CRUEL INCEL’S THESIS

The movie End of Evangelion looks at the darker path for Shinji… one that actually seems more than a little prophetic, all things considered.

One of the constants of fiction is that we’re often willing to overlook the darker or problematic aspects of characters, especially characters we identify with strongly. This is in part because we’re given insight into their thoughts, their feelings and motivations, which tends to cause us to be more understanding, if not sympathetic; we feel like we at least appreciate their reasoning, if not their actions. That, in turn, makes us more inclined to look at their behavior with a certain amount of compassion or even empathy.

Or you might chuck it across the room instead of pondering whether morality means anything when you think you’re stuck in a dream…

But it’s often also because, well… we recognize those sides in ourselves, and we don’t like to acknowledge them.

And in End of Evangelion, both the narrative and the creator are unwilling to overlook or gloss over the less admirable sides of Shinji’s personality — and because the audience identifies with him so strongly, they have to take the journey with him. And it isn’t pleasant. Just as Shinji does, we aren’t just forced to acknowledge our darker, shadow side, we get our faces rubbed in it.

One of the things that the End of Evangelion drives home is just how one-sided Shinji’s desire for connection really is. He desperately craves that relationship, but he isn’t willing to meet people half-way, not in any way that matters. He ultimately wants them to break through his AT field — as it were — and form that connection for him.

Part of the problem is that Shinji is so absorbed in his own world that he rarely stops to consider or even understand the lives of the people around him.

Now this is understandable; part of the reason for his personality being what it is, is that he’s absorbed with his own trauma. And he’s gone through some serious shit, from having seen his mother die in front of him, to being deliberately abandoned and isolated by his father, being dragooned into being a literal child soldier in a cosmic, existential war and dumped into multiple situations — sexual and otherwise — that he’s just not equipped to handle.

Oh and he’s piloting a robot that’s powered by the soul of his dead mother.

But understandable isn’t the same as acceptable, and the fact that he’s dealing with trauma doesn’t excuse his behaviors — behaviors that, in many cases he knows to be wrong.

Like when he masturbates over Asuka’s comatose body.

(Which, incidentally, isn’t the first time he tried to do something to Asuka in her sleep.)

Neither, for that matter, does his suffering from trauma make him unique or special. In fact, pretty much every main character is dealing with major amounts of trauma; Asuka’s mother killed herself in front of her, Misato was at ground zero for Second Impact and had to watch her father die in her arms, Rei is isolated and functionally abused by Gendo and NERV.

Neon Genesis Evangelion
“No it’s cool, we’ll make the dying girl get in the creepy robot and fight a goddamn ANGEL instead.”

The fact that Shinji is dealing with some real shit doesn’t give him a pass, especially when the other characters — who are equally as traumatized — are proving to be more functional and self-actualized than he is.

But the root issue here isn’t Shinji’s fear of connection or self-absorption, it’s his unwillingness to confront it honestly or work to find a solution.

What he wants more than anything else is validation, but he’s never willing to give it to himself; he’s always looking for it from other people. He pilots the EVA-01 specifically because he feels like it will make him valuable to others and that means that they’ll take care of him and never leave him.

He’s the definition of somebody who lives for external validation; he relies on others to give his life worth and meaning. And the problem is that he can’t have it, certainly not for long. Everyone else has to lead their own lives and are dealing with their own drama. Frankly, most folks are clinging on to their own sanity for dear life as it is; they don’t have the capacity to keep other people from drowning. And even the most well-meaning of people can’t be relied on to give his life meaning or live his life for him because lives change, priorities change and people leave… or die.

This living for the regard of others make Shinji an ultimately passive character, and once all of those sources of validation are taken from him, he literally has to be dragged and sexually bribed into doing his job.

 

This version of Shinji is uncomfortable to watch because, honestly, it’s seeing a version of him where the comforting excuses get scoured away and we’re forced to see him at the ultimate end of his path, where his sense of entitlement and resentment has blinded him both to how others feel, but ALSO why he’s so miserable and lonely.

He treats people like literal objects; he may feel awful about it AFTERWARDS but not enough to stop in the moment. He gets angry that other people won’t just GIVE him what he wants — love and validation. But the issue isn’t that what he wants is unreasonable or that he’s unworthy of it, it’s that he’s demanding it without consideration for others… which reaches its ultimate expression in his sexual assault on Asuka’s comatose body.

Nope, not getting past this any time soon.

And then the world ends and Shinji has to confront his own existence and choices and have his soul laid bare. Shinji has no choice but to answer for his life and the decisions he’s made as the women in his life call him to account. He — and by extension, the audience — is forced to confront all the ways that he and we sexualize and objectify those characters, reducing them to little more than tits and ass even as he begs them for love and understanding or castigates them for not giving him what he wants

.

Shinji complains that they betrayed him, only to be told that there was nothing to betray; the only thing they “betrayed” was a one-sided belief he had about them as people and what their responsibilities were to him. He complains that it’s unfair for them to expect him to understand him when none of them will talk to him, only to have the fact that he never TRIED to understand thrown back into his face.

He demands to know why they couldn’t be nice to him and is unable to accept that they HAD been. Instead he launches into a rant that about how they tease and taunt him and mislead him, not realizing that the reason why they seemed to be so confusing and misleading is that they were dealing with their OWN trauma and he never stopped to consider that… because it made HIS life difficult. 

Even as he switches gears and begs Asuka for her approval, saying that she’s the only one for him, she refuses to leave him this final comforting lie and rips even THAT illusion to shreds; he doesn’t want her, he just wants someone to fill the hole in his life. She just happens to be the closest warm body, the one who he’s the least intimidated by. Meanwhile he’s refused to grow, take responsibility or do the work that’s needed to be someone who can love and BE loved.

It’s at this point that Shinji’s loneliness, selfishness, and need for external validation curdles from understandable teen angst to pure anger and HATE. His misery and fear of being hurt gets turned outward in frustration and rage at the people he feels are denying him what he needs and he lashes out with terrifying violence and — even after being given what he theoretically wanted — he ends up more alone than ever.

It’s a very incel-y response, more than a decade before Elliot Rodger’s murder spree.

Now some will argue that this is unnecessarily harsh, even cruel. But in this path, Shinji repeatedly REJECTS the kinder approach. He refuses to try to understand or to see beyond himself and clings to his belief that he did nothing wrong and was denied the things that he was owed. He projects his AT field even harder, even as he’s being implored to let it down. He’s unwilling to listen to the kinder, softer arguments and, as a result, he gets those excuses scoured away in the harshest terms possible and is left to suffer in his own impotence and misery.

PART 3 – The Hedgehog’s Dilemma

 

The other path open to Shinji involves not just him coming to terms with his desire to connect with others, but also how to achieve it.

Just as he has his confrontation with himself in the world of the Dirac Sea in episode 16, The Instrumentality Project sees him spend the last two episodes of the broadcast series in a state of unification — seeing not just into the hearts and souls of his friends and loved ones but also confronting his loneliness and fear of abandonment.

However, in this branch, things take a much more hopeful tone.

Just as before, Shinji is confronted with his need for external validation; he only pilots the EVA-01, for example, because feels that it’s the only way he can be of use. He sees this as the only way he can get people to acknowledge him and care for him. Shinji feels like he has to be needed by others in order to have worth.

In reality, however, he’s trying to avoid being hurt. He feels that if people need him, then they will have to accept him; otherwise he risks rejection. And because he doesn’t feel that he has value, he doesn’t believe that other people might accept him for himself.

But what he still doesn’t realize is that other people can’t give him value. The only person who can ultimately give him what he needs is himself. Everything that can be given to him can ultimately be taken away — through time, through change or through death.

However in this version, he’s far more willing to listen, to consider that maybe, just maybe, he’s wrong. That the world he sees where he’s useless is just that: a world of his own creation. And because the world is always changing and evolving, he too can change.

In this branch, because he’s willing to listen, he starts to learn. He learns that perfect freedom comes not just without limits but without anything that lets us orient ourselves and becomes meaningless. But in a world with greater structure, a world where we see and interact with others and learn the boundaries of our sense of self, we learn not just who we are but who we can become.

This culminates in his entering a new and entirely different world — a world where he never became an EVA pilot. And while his life is different in that world — he’s more confident, more secure — he’s still himself. The more self-assured student and the anxious EVA pilot are the same person; he has the potential for both inside himself. He could easily be either of those people… or many many others.

So while his feelings of inadequacy and his fear of rejection are real, they’re ultimately the creations of his own mind, to accept or reject and to shape as he chooses.

Unlike the Shinji in  End of Evangelion, THIS Shinji makes a break-through: he may hate himself… but he can learn to love himself. And in doing so, he realizes that he can give himself the validation that he needs, that he can learn to understand himself and accept himself. Not only can he improve and grow and become the person he wishes he could be, but also that he has the right to exist, to take up space in this world. More than that… he wants to live, to grow and change.

And with that revelation: the world around him changes in accordance to his expectations and he finds himself surrounded by all the people who love him — including his parents — who congratulate him for finally making his breakthrough.

For the first time, he realizes he’s not useless, that he doesn’t need other people to justify his existence and — most importantly — that he’s truly NOT alone; the world has simply been waiting for him to realize that and let it in.

Which is what WE need to learn: that the things we assume are our limitations and inadequacies are only real because we choose to believe that they’re real. But by that same token, we can rebuild, we can advance and that we’re not alone… and that we can learn to love ourselves, and, in the process, learn to connect with others honestly, instead of isolating ourselves in our misery, hoping that other people will do the work for us, before it’s too late.

  1. badumtish [↩]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Why Is This Friendship Fizzling Out?

June 24, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

I was wondering if you could help me out with friendship dynamics.

I met this really cool girl, we’ll call her Zoe, about 3 months ago. We hit it off immediately: 3-hour conversation, lots in common, super easy to talk to, soul-sister kind of feeling. She’s a much more extraverted person than I usually hang out with, but that made me excited because she’s connected with this big group of other cool people. When I first met her, I got a weird feeling about her personality, but it was hard to place why and because the connection felt good, I brushed it off as me having too high expectations for people.

This girl and her husband host a weekly get-together at their home, which they use as a sort of open house to connect with their friends. The first time I went, it was amazing. Fun games, great conversation, etc. All the people were nice. In addition, Zoe came over to hang out with me at my house a few times and we hit it off just like the first time we hung out.

The problem is that the connection seems to be tapering off, and I don’t know why.

I got sick recently, starting about a month ago, where I can’t drive and the doctors aren’t sure what’s wrong (I’m not contagious). So I haven’t been able to really get out of my house and I haven’t been able to make it to any of the weekly get-togethers or other things my new friend group has planned, such as hiking trips and other social events on the weekends. I told my friend what was going on with me around the time I first got sick, and she seemed concerned and sympathetic in text messages, but that’s as far as it went.

This is kind of where the issues started. I haven’t seen her in a while because I can’t drive. My sickness makes it hard to be out and about so I haven’t risked catching a ride to her place. I invited her over to my place to hang out but she said she was busy and was so sorry. After a while, she started not replying to my texts as much (I send one maybe once a week and she replies about half the time). She also never checked in on me to see if I was doing ok, and it started to feel awkward reaching out to her, knowing I was probably going to get rejected, either by being turned down for hanging out or just not receiving a response at all. I know that she’s been extremely busy socially lately as well.

I don’t know if my expectations are unrealistic, but here they are so it’s clear where my mind goes when I’m anxious: A good friend would have checked in on me to see if I was getting better from my sickness. She hasn’t. A good friend would have tried to see me or reschedule knowing that I can’t go anywhere, but she has not. A good friend would have responded to my texts eventually, even just to let me know she got them, rather than ignoring them entirely. She’s apologized for not responding to my texts in the past, saying how much she cares for and misses me, but the behavior doesn’t change and I don’t see any actions supporting her words.

I know this friendship is young (again on the order of a few months), but I can’t help but get the intuitive hit that this girl is more self-centered than she initially let on. I have another close friend who said he’s seen similar patterns in people. Essentially, they make sure that you’re attached to them and love them and go over to their place to hang out, but once they know you’re hooked, they sit back and relax. I don’t want to believe this is the kind of new friend I found. I’d hate to lose this friend because she’s sort of the self-titled “leader” of this new group and I like a lot of the people I’ve met within it, but it feels really crappy being ignored, especially when I’m sick. And to be honest, I miss her. Again, she’s cool and fun to hang out with.

Are my expectations too high? Do I have a blind spot that I’m unaware of that’s making me the problem in this situation? I’ve often suspected I have social dynamics struggles since I haven’t been able to maintain friendships for more than 2-3 years since I was little, and I also know that I’m super sensitive and have some anxiety that gets in my way. I also have a tendency to assume people don’t like me and don’t want me around, when in fact I’ve been told I’m a joy to be around and very socially calibrated (I think I just learned the motions and can act well). So I know these things are increasing my anxiety around the situation and I’m wondering if it’s not just me and my own issues.

Any insights for me? Assuming there’s absolutely nothing wrong, and this is normal for new friendships, do you have any tips on how to maintain connection? I haven’t accused her of anything because I don’t even know if she’s done anything wrong!

I don’t want yet another new friendship to fizzle simply because I don’t know what I’m doing. This has happened to me before, and in the past I’ve just stopped reaching out altogether, losing the friendship entirely.

Sincerely,
Sick and Abandoned

[Read more…]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Rebuild My Confidence?

June 21, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,
It’s been a year since I joined the military, and looking back, I’m in a much better spot now than I was then. When I joined, I had just withdrawn from college due to drug addiction and was living with my parents, feeling like dirt. I joined because I felt like I needed a kick in the ass, I was tired of feeling like a flunky who blew his chance at a good life, and I wanted to try and start a career in a different direction.

A year later, and I’ve got a much better relationship with my parents, I’ve lost weight, and I’m doing well financially. By all metrics, I feel like life is going better, and that I’ve made immense improvements to myself.

So why can’t I stop feeling like a fucking loser?

When I was skipping class, doing drugs, ignoring my well-being and relationships, I was getting more dates than ever and felt more confident than I do now, despite my life being in shambles. In my mind, I went from an awkward nerd who had trouble talking to people let alone women, to someone who partied, hung out with friends, and could chat up women easy.

Everything fell apart. And I’ve built myself back up. But I’m not valuing that. And I can’t stop thinking that the me that appears when I’m an addict is more appealing than the me that has my shit together.

I can’t even trust my own mind. I guess that’s why I’m asking you; How can I get myself to start valuing my accomplishments again? I want to have the same confidence I had before but without the same self-destructive habits.

Very respectfully,
Hyde wishing he was Jekyll

[Read more…]

Episode #116 – This Is Why Your Life Won’t Get Better

June 19, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Incels are spending tens of thousands of dollars on plastic surgery to become Chads and they’re still miserable. Here’s why your life isn’t getting better… and how to fix it.

SHOW HIGHLIGHTS:

  • Why there are no external solutions to an internal problem
  • How a micro-revolution can give you back control over your life
  • Why you’re stuck in your comfort zone… and how to escape it
  • Why it’s important to embrace The Pain Period
  • How to change the world around you to fix YOUR future

… and so much more.

RELATED LINKS:

The Incels Getting Extreme Plastic Surgery To Become “Chads”

Unlearning Helplessness

5 Reasons Your Life Isn’t Getting Better

How To Take Your Dating To The Next Level

Your Attitude Controls Your Dating Success

The McGurk Effect

Listen Here
Download Here
Transcript available at patreon.com/DrNerdLove


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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Is It Time To Abandon A Friendship?

June 17, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

My question is about dealing with the aftermath of confessing romantic feelings to a close friend and dealing with his rejection while not losing that friend and going the nuclear option.

Long story short, I’m a late bloomer in her early 30s with limited experience (had a first kiss and sexual experience when I was 30, only one relationship, and had sex only 3 times in my life). So, the last summer I have developed a crush on a very close friend who I knew for 2 years by that time. The problem was that he was about to leave the city to move across the ocean in 4 months. Despite of this, I still wanted to pursue a short-term relationship with him, I felt like having even a short-term intimate experience with him outweighed the fact that it’s going to be a relationship with an expiration date.

So, being a firm believer in direct communication, I asked him if he would be interested in us dating each other and I let him know that I realize that most likely it’s going to be a relationship with an expiration date and if he doesn’t feel that he is into that he shouldn’t be afraid of saying ‘no’, I can take it. He answered that he was also thinking about us dating each other but he was afraid he doesn’t have time to date someone in the next 4 months (he was supposed to travel quite a bit for work reasons before leaving the city). Anyway, he said that he will think about it. Three days later we got together for drinks with another woman who is very closest friend of mine. I couldn’t stay long and left, the next morning I got a news from her that things escalated after I left and they decided to play a variation of truth or dare game by stripping off their clothes and telling each other crazy sex things they have done (but they didn’t touch each other) and that I should have stayed that night to join them. Honestly, I felt horrible upon hearing that news, even though there wasn’t any reason. Several hours later he messaged me saying that he doesn’t have any secrets from me and I’m free to ask about his crazy sex experiences that he confessed to a friend of mine while naked, but he needs to be in the right mood, so I shouldn’t push him to tell about them.

A month later the three of us were hanging out (he still didn’t tell me those stories) and I was being playful with him put his hand on my back to have back massage. The next day he wrote me that he was actually considering having an intimate relationship with me despite the limited time we have, but because of this ‘hand thingy’ (that I didn’t ask him for his consent), he decided that he is going to change his mind. This came out of the blue (I hadn’t brought us being together since the last time I asked him) and I was devastated, had to take a sick day off work. I slowly recovered after that, but the fact that he was keeping secrets (the things he told the other friend) was slowly eating me. Several weeks before he left the city I told him how I felt about him having those secrets from me. He revealed those secrets, via a text message, not even face to face, and it felt like it wasn’t genuine.

Those secrets turned were the facts that he practiced some BDSM activities several years ago and that he was embarrassed of them. Now, here is the thing, I’m also into BDSM (never practiced but I know I want to do it), so I told him that those things he shouldn’t be ashamed of and I find them amazing and that I’m also into them. During the last week we were talking a lot about them, and several day after he left the city he said that he might be up for trying some of them with me, 1.5 months later when we were supposed to share a hotel room for a week during a music festival in another country. However, when we actually met, he felt a bit distant and irritated (I don’t know what caused it, but he was stressed looking for a job in another continent), at some point at this event he said that he prefers going for dinners with other people and not me (before that we were having dinners together and planned on celebrating New Year’s eve together at the festival). He also said that I should change my plans of visiting him across the ocean (fortunately I didn’t book my flights yet). The rest of the event was quite depressing for me.

After all of this I feel still have hard time processing what have happened (that naked night with a friend of mine after he told me that he doesn’t have time for casual sex, the fact that he was hiding his interest in BDSM while telling me that he trusts me and doesn’t have secrets from me, or his weirdly distant behavior at the festival). I feel depressed and have a hard time sleeping when I think about all of this things that happened between us the last year and I think about them almost every day. Am I overreacting and just need to get mental help? The thing is that I really value his friendship and I still keep contact with him. But sometimes I think if I should go full nuclear option? But I’m afraid of losing a close friendship with him and that doing the nuclear option and losing contact with him would do more mental damage rather than keeping a contact with him.

Thanks a lot for any feedback!
Nukes and Friends

[Read more…]

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About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

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  • Enail I'd say most people try extremely hard to love their family of origin even if they wouldn't otherwise like them, so it's not just ourselves we feel that obligation/need with. The more important a...

    I Was A Nice Guy And It Backfired. How Do I Win My Friend Back? ·  June 24, 2022

  • Belinda The LW sounds limerent for his freind. If you've ever been limerent for someone, it can take time to get over. That being said, there are things the LW can do to move the process along. Going No...

    I Was A Nice Guy And It Backfired. How Do I Win My Friend Back? ·  June 24, 2022

  • fuzzilla **Although, when all's said and done, there are so many bigger things going horribly wrong in the world that it's harder and harder to care about small-scale, interpersonal things.**...

    I Was A Nice Guy And It Backfired. How Do I Win My Friend Back? ·  June 24, 2022

  • fuzzilla I mean, of course you're gonna be sad. I never said you could just snap your fingers and be "over it" just like that. But I do expect that people at least intellectually understand that moving on is...

    I Was A Nice Guy And It Backfired. How Do I Win My Friend Back? ·  June 24, 2022

  • Paul I'm probably overthinking, because analyzing is one of the few things I really know how to do. I just think that the internal self-validation comes off like holding ourselves to a lower standard...

    I Was A Nice Guy And It Backfired. How Do I Win My Friend Back? ·  June 24, 2022

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