• Archives
  • Submit A Dating Question
  • The Secret Origin of Dr. NerdLove
  • Dr. NerdLove Store
  • Dr. NerdLove’s Affiliate Store

Paging Dr. NerdLove

Love, Sex and Dating For The Modern Nerd

Search The Archives

  • Books
  • Podcasts
  • The Grimes Test
  • Ask Dr. NerdLove
  • The Basics
  • Private Coaching
  • Submit A Dating Question

Archives for September 2019

Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Ask My Bartender for A Date?

September 30, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I wanted to reach out to you because I’m seeking guidance on a potential relationship, but am uncertain of how to proceed.

About 2-3 years ago, I went with a friend to a nearby bar, which featured a “Taco Tuesday” special after we had both seen “Sorry to Bother You,” and wanted to discuss it further. Needless to say, the bartender working that night was sociable (especially once I showed an interest in her work and craft) and overall it was a good time.

A year or so later, I came back to the bar one night to meet some other friends. Once again, she was working there and seemed happy to see me. We caught up a bit, and much to my surprise, comped me for one of my drinks, which was sweet and generous of her. This back-and-forth carried on throughout the rest of last year. I’d show up, eat, drink, tip generously, and talk. It turned out we had a good amount in common: she’s a photographer, I crew on film/video jobs. We both love talking mixology and different liquors and liqueurs.

In short, I developed a bit of a crush on this bartender. And after introducing her to some of my friends, they also picked up on a potential mutual interest vibe. So near the end of last year, I expressed an interest in hanging out with her outside of her workplace. She, much to my surprise, gave me her cell phone number and seemed willing to meet. She did express a desire to keep it casual, however, although that was not a deal-breaker for me. As someone who has to be friendly and sociable to keep working, making friends is always easier and slightly more comfortable to me.

So I reached out to her at the beginning of this year to see if she wanted to get coffee. She did text back that she was in favor of it, but we never got a date or time pinned down, so I let it go, not wanting to pressure her. Fast-forward to now, where I stopped into her bar for a meal and some drinks. She was working there and seemed very happy to see me, so much so that she came around the bar to sit next to me as we both talked about our lives. At this point, even I felt like there was some kind of chemistry between us, and this was before the liquor started flowing.

Later on, I sent her an invite by way of a text message to a casual event among friends, but she didn’t respond, though I didn’t take it personally. Given her desire to keep things simple, I figured pushing her for an answer wouldn’t be helpful.

So in summary, I’ve been interested in getting to know this bartender a bit more outside of the place she works. We have common interests and goals, and seem to get along well enough when at her workplace. The question is where the boundaries for this relationship are.

If it can be romantic, that would be fantastic. If it’s more of a friendship, I would also enjoy it greatly, since I find myself cherishing those the most. If it’s more of a casual acquaintance-type of deal, I also would be willing to accept it, since the matter would be settled. The issue comes down to asking whether there’s room for this relationship to grow at all outside of the bar.

I’ve read enough articles and essays to know how often women have to be diplomatic when refusing the advances of men, and the difficulties of navigating that space safely. Therefore, I’ve tried to avoid overstepping my bounds with her or violating what trust I’ve earned.

Any advice or help you could provide here would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you,

-Searching for Boundaries

[Read more…]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Keep The “Friend” In The FWB?

September 27, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I am a 33 year old single, heterosexual female living in a large metropolitan area nearish the east coast. There’s a man who’s been in my life on and off for the past ~6 years, but in the last 3 years we’ve spent more time together, including in a romantic, sexual capacity, yet still casual. We’re very close in age, but less so in distance: we live in different states, separated by a two hour plane ride. Through traveling we intend to see each other F2F at least once a quarter and very recently met up F2Fd when he came to visit and stay with me for a short weekend.

We are settling into a budding friends with benefits relationship, a relationship archetype I only truly became comfortable with in the last 6 months as I matured emotionally and became more self-aware. I definitely had some help through your article on FWB (how the phrase still includes the word “friend” and no strings attached doesn’t equate to no respect or no consideration). It was your article which allowed me to view this relationship through a different, healthier lens—it’s fair to say I am far more open, flexible, and vulnerable in this FWB now than I was 2 years ago which has really helped this relationship flourish considerably, even in a short period of time

There is no expectation of commitment or monogamy on either side now or in the near or distant future. We’re enjoying one another as people, friends, and lovers and just seeing where things take us. My question is what happens to our relationship when one or both of us meet someone else, someone else who has expectations of commitment and monogamy which the respective person involved is willing to fulfill? Once you’ve crossed over from being friends to something more, is there anyone going back? Can the sexual/romantic/non-platonic aspects of our relationship be turned on and off like a faucet? Or excised as a foreign, inanimate, or unnecessary vessel or object? And beyond the “can” what about the “should”? If you can turn off certain aspects of a relationship, should you? Can you cherry pick and preserve the friendship in the relationship whilst leaving the romance or sex in the past? In addition, is it reasonable for anyone involved (me, my FWB, a future partner for either of us) to expect our FWB relationship to end in its entirety? Is it equally reasonable for this man and I to expect the friendship aspect of our relationship to persevere through commitment and monogamy elsewhere?

This is a relationship I value and wish to cultivate, how do I do this while still respecting and cultivating other relationships which have the potential to become committed and monogamous?

Do Not Pass Go

[Read more…]

Episode #123 – 5 Things Men Do That Women HATE

September 25, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Are you ruining your chances of meeting incredible women before you even start? Women HATE it when the guys they meet do these 5 things.

SHOW HIGHLIGHTS:

  • How guys turn women off before they even say a word
  • Why trying to impress women you’re attracted to is the wrong move
  • How to demonstrate REAL value and status when you’re flirting
  • Why you don’t want to have TOO much in common
  • How men manage to turn a win into a loss with this ONE mistake

…and so much more.

RELATED LINKS:

5 Signs Women Want You To Approach Them

How To Get Women To Approach You

5 Secrets To Make People Like You

How To Be Charming

Make The Right First Impression

How To Tell Amazing Stories

Listen Here
Download Here
Transcript available at patreon.com/DrNerdLove


Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher and on YouTube.

Like the podcast? Become a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do We Stop Fighting Over Our Wedding?

September 23, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

Long time reader, first time writing in. My fiancé (22) and I (23) have been together for a lovely 5 years, have never had a single fight and have been fairly good at communicating. Our wedding is scheduled for mid next year and we have of course got into the intensive planning phase. 

She knows I’m tight with my money and don’t like to spend carelessly, but she’s always had a dream of a fancy (and expensive) wedding. I always thought that people that spent $20k-$25k or more on a wedding were insane and wasteful, especially in a world where people have so little. However, I was ok with picking a venue that costed $15k (which included the space, food, open bar, etc.) even if it was beyond my original budget (my attempt of compromising). 
However, we got a price estimate for changing the chairs to a nicer style and the total cost for switching the chairs would have added over $1000 to the wedding price. My red alert goes off as this is a complete scam, why would we pay for this? I make my feelings known and she agrees to not do the chairs…until later that night she is crying (literally) about how the wedding isn’t going to be everything she dreamed of already and she misses her dad (who passed away when she was young) makes me feel terrible so I let her decide on whether she really wants the chairs. 
This is really nagging at the principled part of me though that looks at how much time and energy I would have to spend to make $1000 just for chairs, and how so many people around the world barely have anything. She’s paying for a majority of the wedding (with money from her father’s passing) so I keep trying to tell myself, “It’s her money she can spend it however she wants.” The other part of me can’t believe that she’s just like, “well we have the money so we can spend it.” 
Am I thinking to much about this? Is this standard marriage stress getting to me? Or is the principled part of me right to think that $1000 for chairs that no one will care about besides her is ridiculously wasteful? 
Thanks for your advice,
Stereotypical Wedding Issues

[Read more…]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: I’m Too Scared To Let Myself Be Polyamorous

September 20, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

My partner and I are non-monogamous, and I know that it would be ok for me to be with someone else, but I’m scared to.

I don’t feel this way about my partner dating and I don’t get jealous. But any time I have feelings for someone outside our relationship I get filled with self-loathing feelings. I worry over hurting my partner. I feel like a traitor. I become scared of loving someone more than them or neglecting them for someone else.

My partner encourages me and wants me to date additional people if I so choose, and I want to as well. But I don’t know how to deal with these feelings.

What do I do?

Less Than Two 

[Read more…]

Next Page »

About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

Connect With Dr. NerdLove

  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • RSS
  • Twitter
  • YouTube

Categories

Like Us On Facebook

Facebook Pagelike Widget

Become a Dr. NerdLove Patron

Virtual Tip Jar

private coaching is available at doctornerdlove.com/private-coaching

Out Now!

My new dating guide, New Game + is available at Amazon.com , iTunes and everywhere books are sold.

Recent Comments

  • Will S. Oh my Transient Friend, I've been there, twice in a row with workmates - it was like reading a part of my own life story! My best advice would be just stop messaging her and move on immedialtey. If...

    I Was A Nice Guy And It Backfired. How Do I Win My Friend Back? ·  June 26, 2022

  • Belinda I had a f**k buddy situation in college for six months and I was completely infatuated with the guy. I wanted some much more for him, which he was well aware of. He did ask me to hang out, which I did...

    My Boyfriend’s Kink Turns Me Off. What Do I Do? ·  June 26, 2022

  • fuzzilla On the one hand, it might have kept me stuck and not fully open to dating someone else (and I did date other people, but maybe I wasn’t as “all in” as I could have been). On the other hand, it...

    My Boyfriend’s Kink Turns Me Off. What Do I Do? ·  June 26, 2022

  • Belinda It was an eye-opening experience. One I kind of wish I didn't have. I mean, a good number of these guys were my buddies. They were flirtatious with me and I of course assumed there were other women...

    I Was A Nice Guy And It Backfired. How Do I Win My Friend Back? ·  June 26, 2022

  • Belinda "To wait for the guy to volunteer more before giving him the world." Or don't treat him like your boyfriend unless he's your boyfriend. Idk. I am not a fan of FWBs. Hooking up a couple of times, fine....

    My Boyfriend’s Kink Turns Me Off. What Do I Do? ·  June 26, 2022

Popular Posts

What Couples Can Learn From Gomez and Morticia AddamsWhat Couples Can Learn From Gomez and Morticia Addams
Socially Awkward Isn’t An ExcuseSocially Awkward Isn’t An Excuse
Nerds and Male PrivilegeNerds and Male Privilege
On Labeling Women “Crazy”On Labeling Women “Crazy”
When Masculinity Fails MenWhen Masculinity Fails Men

Archives

Tags

abusive relationships ask dr. nerdlove attraction be a better man be a better person boundaries break up cheating communication confidence dating Don't Be A Creeper emotional abuse emotional health emotional intelligence flirting level up lifestyle masculinity meeting men Meeting Women mental health online dating podcast podcasts rejection relationship drama relationship maintenance relationships self-confidence self-esteem self-improvement self-limiting beliefs sex sexual compatibility sexuality skills social skills talking to women the friend zone toxic masculinity toxic relationships use your words virginity youtube