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Archives for May 2020

Am I Just Too Ugly For Women To Love?

May 29, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,
I’m still struggling with women. I know that I need to work on my self confidence and get over my insecurities, but why am I always attracted to women who would never be interested in me? Should I lower what little standards I have and date someone who I may not be attracted to? I wouldn’t feel right about doing that; however at the same time I feel like I need to be realistic. It might be best just to give up altogether as everytime I’m attracted to a woman, she never feels the same way. 
I’m not a particularly good looking guy and I know you said leagues don’t exist, however every single time I have been interested in a woman she has not been attracted to me. Maybe I’m showing interest in women who aren’t right for me or maybe I’m just a gargoyle. I’m not naive, I know that ultimately looks do matter to some degree and that women can be just as visual as men. 
I understand that there is more to relationships than looks. Intelligence, personality, common interests, honesty and being caring are important to me, but if I’m not a certain woman’s type than I can pretty much throw my chances with that woman out the window. 
There is also the possibility that maybe I need to wait a few years until I’m more mature as well as some of the women around me or just date a woman who’s older than me. There are also other reasons why they could be rejecting me that have nothing to do with me maybe it’s bad timing, they just got out of a relationship or they are insecure and need validation from dating guys who are more attractive, who knows.
I would just like to know if it’s also my looks and not just my personality and behaviour that’s holding me back? I know that women don’t like men who are insecure and not confident, I also think that women don’t like guys who are awkward or weird and prefer guys who are smooth or charming. I also was born preterm at 25 weeks so that has something do with being odd or weird and I found this study which didn’t make me feel any better.

I also know you said that there are women who are attracted to gingers but I have yet to meet one that is or maybe it’s just because I’m ugly. Who knows maybe it’s just bad luck and eventually, I meet a woman where the attraction is mutual but I doubt it.

I also want you to be brutally honestly with how I look and don’t hold back. 

Weird Awkward Nerd

[Read more…]

Bonus Episode: A LIVE Dr. NerdLove Q&A

May 27, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

This week, we have a special bonus episode: a live episode where my patrons got to ask me anything — from dating advice to moving to Austin to what shows I’ve been binging during the lockdown. Plus guest appearances from Mr. Senior Kitty!

If you want to take part in the next AMA, be sure to support the podcast by becoming a Dr. NerdLove patron!

SIGN UP FOR THE DATING ACCELERATOR PROGRAM


Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher and on YouTube.

Like the podcast? Become a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

Should I Reach Out To My Ex?

May 25, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doctor,

This is the author to the “Momma Drama” letter from a couple of years ago, and I want to start by thanking you for your response to my first post. But, here we are, two years down the line, and I have another question about the same woman: namely, should I get back in touch with my ex, S?

A few weeks after I sent my last letter, S broke up with me because she realized she wasn’t ready for a new relationship – I told her that I understood and we broke up on good terms. Soon afterwards, however, things started going downhill. S would regularly come into the bar while I was working, pull me aside, make out with me, and ask me to text her about getting drinks. We continued to text regularly, but every time I inquired about meeting up, she would ghost me. This continued for months, and eventually I tried to confront her about the making out, the ghosting, and clarifying what she wanted our relationship to be because she was sending such mixed messages. She ignored my concerns, and never gave me the opportunity to have an honest discussion.

I tried not contacting her for stretches, but eventually, she would come into the bar, stick her tongue down my throat, and ask to grab drinks again. A few months after we’d broken up, she even introduced me to her son while I was working, and between this and the persistent kissing, I hoped this meant she wanted to start dating again. Still, she never responded to my requests. The fact that she would regularly socialize where I worked without making time for us to meet up really hurt – I understood that between her job and her son, she was very busy, but she was a regular fixture at the bar even when I wasn’t working and clearly could’ve made time for me if she would’ve liked. Needless to say, I was still crazy about her and the whole situation was very confusing for me, but my attempts at clarification were consistently ignored – I didn’t know what to do.

Eventually, I got a new job, so the next time S came in, we made out, and I told her that I wouldn’t be working full-time at the bar anymore. I asked if we could talk about dating again, when she was ready – she said okay, and I told her that I’ll reach out. When I did, she never responded, and that was the last time I saw her for months. I started my new job, and we would intermittently text, usually with her reaching out to me. I heard she was still coming into the bar, but I was working there only one day a week, so I didn’t see her, and I gave up on trying to meet up. After a while, I started dating someone else, D, and S stopped texting altogether, so I thought this period of my life was over.

Then, later that year, I was at another bar, and S came in with a guy. I ignored her, but on their way out, she grabbed me and told me they were on the way to the bar where I worked. I’d had a few drinks, and was upset with how she had treated me, so I followed them to the bar. I pulled S aside and told her how much she had hurt me and that I didn’t want her coming into the bar again. She said that she was willing to get beers to talk about it, and went back to her friend. The next day, I reached out to apologize to being so angry and confronting her as I did, but said I really was hurt by her behavior and would like the opportunity to talk things over. I never heard back.

S started intermittently coming into the bar while I was working, and I felt trapped. I had blocked her on social media and stopped texting her, but when she came into where I worked, there was nothing I could do. I asked her to talk in private to reiterate that I didn’t want her there when I was working – her response was always “are you mad at me?” I just wanted her to leave me alone and she would not, so I grew increasingly frustrated.

A few months later, D and I broke up amicably, and S came into the bar again. I went to confront her, but she hugged me, and all the old attractions came rushing back. We caught up and were friendly, so I reached out later to grab a drink. We scheduled drinks, but she flaked and again started ghosting me. A while later, I texted her saying that if she didn’t want to meet up, she could’ve at least been upfront about that. She replied saying she thought we were cool, and I responded that no, we weren’t cool, because she had ignored all of my requests to meet up and to stay out of the bar. She said that if I need to say something, we could get coffee.

I was very nervous for coffee, both because I was embarrassed for my texting tirade and because I was hoping that coffee might lead to something more. I explained to S that I was upset about her leading me on, ghosting me, and ignoring my requests to stay out of the bar. She made a half-hearted apology, before asking if it was okay for her to come to the bar again. I tried to show her that I wasn’t comfortable with it, but when she pushed, I said it was fine, because I was trying to move past the situation. After that, we caught up, hugged, and she agreed that she would like to get drinks.

My next shift, she came into the bar with some friends, but we didn’t interact. The next day, I texted her to get drinks, and got no response. A few days later, I tried again. Again, no response. This upset me because I had made it clear that I didn’t want her in the bar if she was going to ghost me, so before my next shift, I told her to never talk to me or come into the bar while I was working again. She responded quickly, asking why I was doing this. I did not respond for a week and a half, when I apologized for the drama, confessed that I still really liked her, and said that I was really hurt that she was ghosting me again. These were long-winded texts, and I never got a response, but she did stop coming into the bar and I haven’t heard from her since, which was eight or nine months ago. Not seeing her has really helped me heal from this relationship, and while I’m embarrassed that I had to scare her away with crazy, I’m grateful that she has finally given me the space I needed to let go.

At this point, I am thinking about reaching out to S and apologizing. I’ve had significant developments in my life that have put me in a much better mental space, so I believe that there is little risk of me being hurt by her again. First, I am no longer working at the bar. It closed for quarantine and I do not plan on returning when it reopens. Additionally, I’ve learned a lot about relationships in the past couple of years and I know that I made a lot of mistakes dealing with S. Finally, I found out that a medication I have been taking for years has side effects of anxiety and depression. I have stopped taking this medication, and the results have been extraordinary – I feel so much more positive and mentally healthy. Overall, I am in a much better place and am ready to move past this chapter in my life.

For these reasons, I am ready to apologize to S for my idiotic behavior and clear things up. Obviously, she was not ready to date anyone while we were together, and I should have let my pain go instead of holding onto it. I also should’ve maintained stronger boundaries after we broke up and clarified that making out was off the table if we weren’t going to have an honest discussion about where we were emotionally. Additionally, I would like to clarify, this is not to get her back – last I heard, she has a boyfriend. Finally, I do not expect her to apologize. She has already apologized and me reaching out is about me making amends. Simply put, I want to make sure things are okay between us and to wish her well during this difficult time.

So, Doctor, do you think it is a good idea to reach out to S and, if so, how do you recommend going about it?

Thanks,

Momma Drama 2: More Drama

[Read more…]

I Just Discovered My Boyfriend Is Living a Double Life

May 22, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove

I’ve been involved with a guy for a little over 5 years. We actually met online. I still remember the night I clicked on his profile. Based on looks, he wasn’t the kind of guy I would typically date, but from his profile and the small chats we exchanged online, he seemed pretty cool. The only problem was that we lived in different states.

Although Philadelphia and New York aren’t so far from each other, at the time it seemed like a world away. Nevertheless, we both agreed to meet each other after a few weeks. Long story short, we hit it off pretty well. And quickly became very close.

In the first few years of dating, we honestly didn’t get to see each other more than 1-2 times a month. But despite that we called, texted, and video chatted every day. In my mind, the relationship was real.

There was never any indication that he had anyone else in the picture. He seemed very transparent about his life.

Fast Forward towards the end of 2018. I decided to create an Instagram account to promote a small startup business. His profile popped up as a suggested follow. I decided to scroll through his page (I chose not to follow simply because I didn’t want to seem like a stalker). Most of the pictures on there were pictures/videos that I had either taken of him while we were out together, of activities we both did together, or things that he’s already shared with me through regular chats and messaging. However, I have to say that I was taken aback by the fact that he had no pictures of us anywhere on his profile. They were all pictures of him, or his nieces and nephews.

Anyway, I had seen a few post of his latest “nephew” who was born earlier that year, around the same time I began to notice a shift in our relationship. When I clicked on the picture, not only did he identify the child as his own but the child had his same f**king name.

I will never forget how heartbroken and crushed I felt when I discovered this.

What was even worse was that I found out that besides me there were two other women in his life. The mother of his child, and another woman who he had been dating for as long as me.

I tried to break things off with him, but it seemed like the more I pulled away the more he drew me back in. And within time we ended up becoming closer than ever. Our 1-2x a month visits literally turned into at least 3-4x a week (with both of us taking turns to make the back and forth travel). He made every effort to show me that he was done with the other women, and even had me speak to the mother of his child directly.

Everything seemed okay until a few months ago when I found out I was pregnant. He was adamant that I needed to get an abortion and that he didn’t want a child (even though he already had one). Initially, I was considering an abortion myself simply because I didn’t think I was ready for a child. But when I thought about it more, I didn’t feel comfortable with the process. I told him that it wasn’t something I wanted to go through with. Instead of trying to understand my perspective, he literally went into a rage and told me that if I didn’t have the abortion he would want nothing to do with me. I thought this was all just talk, that he was just scared, and would eventually come into his senses later on. But he meant every word.

I don’t know what to do. There are moments when he’s randomly super sweet to me, and acts life everything is okay. Then there are back to back days where he sends me long rants of how I ruined his life by not having an abortion. I’m completely baffled by this monster that I used to call my boyfriend. A part of me thinks that the reason he is so mad is because he’s still leading a double life.

What should I do?? I’m honestly scared of this man. But at the same I still do love him.

Btw, the baby is due in October.

Pregnant and Lost

[Read more…]

Episode #143 — The Art of Sexting Like A Gentleman

May 20, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Sexting and knowing how to flirt over text is a skill that’s invaluable whether you have a friends-with-benefits relationship, a long-distance relationship, or if you and your partner are looking to keep things exciting.

In fact, knowing how to start sexting with someone the right way may be one of the most invaluable skills you can develop for keeping the spark in your relationship.

But you have to know how to get things started the right way.

SHOW HIGHLIGHTS:

  • How to lay the groundwork to start sexting with your partner
  • Why the right text can be sexier than any photo
  • What to say to a woman over text to turn her on
  • Why most guys FAIL at sexting
  • What to say to start sharing pictures

… and so much more

RELATED LINKS:

How to Flirt over Text (Without Being a Creeper)

How To Look Good in Photos

What Women Want in Men

Take The Perfect Tinder Photo

F*ck Like A Gentleman

SIGN UP FOR THE DATING ACCELERATOR PROGRAM

Listen Here
Download Here


Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher and on YouTube.

Like the podcast? Become a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

[Read more…]

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About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

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Recent Comments

  • Will S. Oh my Transient Friend, I've been there, twice in a row with workmates - it was like reading a part of my own life story! My best advice would be just stop messaging her and move on immedialtey. If...

    I Was A Nice Guy And It Backfired. How Do I Win My Friend Back? ·  June 26, 2022

  • Belinda I had a f**k buddy situation in college for six months and I was completely infatuated with the guy. I wanted some much more for him, which he was well aware of. He did ask me to hang out, which I did...

    My Boyfriend’s Kink Turns Me Off. What Do I Do? ·  June 26, 2022

  • fuzzilla On the one hand, it might have kept me stuck and not fully open to dating someone else (and I did date other people, but maybe I wasn’t as “all in” as I could have been). On the other hand, it...

    My Boyfriend’s Kink Turns Me Off. What Do I Do? ·  June 26, 2022

  • Belinda It was an eye-opening experience. One I kind of wish I didn't have. I mean, a good number of these guys were my buddies. They were flirtatious with me and I of course assumed there were other women...

    I Was A Nice Guy And It Backfired. How Do I Win My Friend Back? ·  June 26, 2022

  • Belinda "To wait for the guy to volunteer more before giving him the world." Or don't treat him like your boyfriend unless he's your boyfriend. Idk. I am not a fan of FWBs. Hooking up a couple of times, fine....

    My Boyfriend’s Kink Turns Me Off. What Do I Do? ·  June 26, 2022

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