Love, Sex and Dating For The Modern Nerd
Slight programming note: prior to the COVID outbreak, this would have been the week that I visit family for the Fourth of July. But since travel is functionally canceled, we’re taking a staycation and a brief break from work. I’m working on arranging for some guest posts for next week, and we’ll be resuming the normal posting schedule shortly after that.
In the meantime, since we haven’t done this in a while: have a holiday open thread.
See you in a week, and have a happy 4th…
I fucked up while flirting with a woman at a convention in 2017, but I didn’t realize it at the time. A year later, I was made aware, apologized, and have worked on changing my ways. This week, I found out that the woman was is still very hurt over what happened; I can only apologize again for my behavior. If it can help others to learn from it and do better, here’s what happened.
At Emerald City Comic Con in 2017, I was talking with a woman I met at a crowded hotel bar. Over the course of the conversation, I was flirting (my wife and I have an open relationship) and at the time, I believed we had a vibe going. At one point, I reached out and weaved my fingers through her hair and gave, what to me was a playful tug. She didn’t respond, so I took my hand back. She mentioned that she simply wasn’t up for or able to do anything. I said “ok, if you change your mind, let me know,” hung out a little while longer and then eventually left to go to bed.
The next day as I was browsing through the dealer’s room, I passed by her booth, said a brief hello and “it was nice talking to you last night”, before heading about my day. The last time I have ever talked to her in person was a brief group conversation in the bar later that night.
Early in 2018, a friend of mine told me that this woman had felt violated by the entire encounter. I was surprised by this, but if I had done something wrong, then I was going to own that. I reached out, both via email and a mutual friend, to apologize (I’ve blacked out names and email addresses to protect people’s privacy):
When I sent my apology through a mutual friend, I made it clear that I was willing to apologize in person if the woman preferred, that I would be willing to stay away from her if we were ever at the same shows again, but, most importantly, that I wanted to make amends.
On February 10th, our mutual friend, in a Facebook Messenger chat, relayed the woman’s response; she asked me to stay away and not speak to her.
I agreed; I have kept my distance and haven’t spoken with her since. Hearing how this woman felt, I began to examine my behavior, including, among other things, the way I acted and flirted with others. I made a point of getting consent before making physical contact and checking in to ensure that everyone was still comfortable and interested. I spent time examining the ways that I remained inexcusably blind to other women’s perspectives or experiences. I talked with various people about accountability, about doing better, about being more aware and more present and the ways that I had to improve. and My friends were honest with me about where I needed to change, which I appreciated and still appreciate. Being held accountable is important.
I also changed the way that I attended conventions. The same mutual friend agreed to come with me to the 2018 Emerald City Comic Con in mid-March, to be able to call me on my behavior if need be. I’ve caused harm with my mistakes; hopefully by talking about it openly, other people can do better and be better.
I understand that the person in question is still hurt by all of this. I behaved abominably, caused her pain and I am truly profoundly sorry.
I’m a woman in my 50s, waiting on divorce papers after years of separation (mutually stayed for economic reasons and kid with special needs). Kids now launched. Divorce is very amicable. Soon-to-be-ex is in another relationship, and I wish them well. It’s not the reason for the divorce. This isn’t the drama, just mentioning for context. I’ve had many years to process my divorce. Therapy has helped. I’m doing the work and I’m ready to move on with my life.
I met a man 5 years ago at a work conference. He’s late 50s. Not married. Lives in another country. The day we met, he stared and smiled at me for an hour in a meeting and when we were later introduced, we really clicked. We then ended up working closely for a few years, so we were professional and only saw each other annually for work. We always hug—he puts his arms out for me from 3m away and apparently smiles for me unlike for others (colleagues have commented).
He knows I am divorcing and that it’s amicable, but he doesn’t know I am leaving our field of work as soon as the divorce is done, so I can move to a new city. I believe my divorce is a hard line for this man and I utterly respect this. I’ve interpreted it as one of the reasons the relationship never launched romantically, so I’ve been fine waiting. I could be wrong and maybe he’s just lost interest; he gives mixed signals (hugs and flirty smiles, but then cancels on drinks, saying meetings came up). We only see each other at work meetings, usually around the globe. Those have stopped now with COVID. We don’t have the kind of relationship where I can just call him up with no pretext, and he doesn’t do that either. We are both a bit restrained culturally. But if it was for work, I could absolutely call, and after we would chat quite amiably about our many shared interests. He’d totally help me with a problem.
I am stuck with all the feelings that have grown over these years of getting to know him of what could be if we could only discover if the attraction is real. I want to tell this man how I feel, since when I will leave this work, I will probably not ever see him again. I’ve been thinking of sending him a letter when I do to say how I feel and what meeting him meant to me, but don’t want to seem aggressive or worse, needy. I know my divorce has taken a long time but now that it’s almost done, I want this man to know when I am free.
I do not expect to add water and mix to the relationship for instant love; I want to open the door and hope he walks through. There is catharsis in letting the feelings out regardless of the outcome, but obviously I hope for a chance at love with him.
Is there a better way to open the door for this relationship?
Thanks,
Tongue Tied
Hi Dr NerdLove
My girlfriend and I have been together for over six months. We met on Tinder.
This morning we were having some friendly banter about how some guys were sliding in her DMs over her latest Instagram story post. To cut a long story short she was telling me how guys would continue to do this sometimes for over a year before getting the message that they had no chance with her. At which point I recounted my own examples of getting zero responses from Tinder matches until months later, and how refreshing it was when I matched with my now girlfriend at how easily the conversation flowed instantly.
At which point my girlfriend re-downloaded Tinder to her phone to reminisce over our initial conversations. She’d always told me how she only downloaded Tinder initially to help her sister see if her then boyfriend was cheating on her (turns out he was). My girlfriend insists she matched with me by mistake (I super-liked her) because she’d never used the app before and didn’t know how it worked. But ultimately it didn’t matter, we exchanged details and the rest is history.
However she then asked me to re-download Tinder to my phone. I thought nothing of it and obliged. She grabbed the phone off me and straight away went to my messages. There was no conversations since I matched with her, but three matches in the weeks after we matched with each other, none of which I messaged. I matched with my now girlfriend in December and deleted the Tinder app some time in January.
My girlfriend has not reacted well. She’s accusing me of not taking things seriously during those first few weeks of dating and disrespecting her, questioning why I would be still swiping girls profiles. I don’t recall when I stopped swiping, in fact those subsequent matches may have occurred weeks after I initially swiped (as often used to happen). I have tried to reassure her that it means nothing, that there was no chatting or flirting with anyone else after the time we met each other. I never messaged or flirted with anyone, either on Tinder or any other dating app, any social online media or in real person.
But I am 37 years old and have been stung before by going “all into” relationships very early on, so if I am guilty of anything it would be having the fear that dating this girl might go nowhere and if I do things symbolically to show my long term commitment in those first few weeks of dating, that it would jinx the relationship.
My girlfriend is 24 and never really had a proper serious relationship before (she was a virgin when we met). She is from the Balkans in Eastern Europe and I am from the UK. We are generations and cultures apart and I don’t think she understands how the dating world works in my culture.
She wants to break up with me over this. I can’t convince her otherwise. I don’t feel culpable of anything, certainly to warrant ending the relationship now! Ultimately I think it’s a culture clash that I can’t get her to understand. In her culture she would expect us to have been at least engaged by now, and if it hadn’t been for covid-19 lockdown restrictions, I probably would have been engagement ring hunting. We have been through quite a bit in such a short space of time (including being locked down together because of coronavirus restrictions), but I have been in no doubt that she is the one for me and am fully committed and loyal to her and have been for months.
I’m at a loss at what to do as I thought this girl was really going to be the girl I would spend the rest of my life with. I really don’t feel like I’m in the wrong or deserved to be judged. Maybe I am wrong and if I am, I would appreciate the help into understanding and why and what I should do about it.
Many thanks,
Tinder Toss-Up
Warren Ellis is someone who could be credibly referred to as a genius. Transmetropolitan — a futuristic riff on Hunter S. Thompson — has never felt more relevant than in the era of Trump and the nationwide Black Lives Matters protests. The Marvel cinematic universe exists in no small part because of his Iron Man comic Extremis. His books have accurately predicted the rise and adoption of smartphones, micro-drones, facial recognition software and how the police would turn consumer security cameras into a de-facto surveillance network.
He also created the Warren Ellis Forum — an online community that would become a haven for creators, intellectuals and artists. From 1998 to 2002, The Warren Ellis Forum was, in its way, the CBGBs of comics; established comic book professionals, up-and-coming amateurs, and fans who simply wanted to be in the room where it happened all mixed and mingled freely. The WEF became a talent incubator, churning out creators who would go on to transform not just comics but television, film and more. Some of the creators that had been part of the WEF included G. Willow Wilson, Ed Brubaker, Brian Wood, Matt Fraction, Kelly Sue DeConnick, Kieron Gillen, Chip Zdarsky, Sam Humphries, Andy Khouri, Justin Jordan, Alex de Campi, Jeremy Love, Carla Speed McNeil, Colleen Doran, Lea Hernandez, Gail Simone, Antony Johnston and…er… me.
DeConnick and Jamie McKelvie transformed Captain Marvel into the version we see in movies. Atomic Blonde was adapted from Johnston’s book The Coldest City. WEF alumni went on to become editors at Oni, Image, Dark Horse, Marvel and DC, show-runners at the CW network, famous podcasters and more.
As it says on the WEF’s epitaph: “Couples met and even got married here, people found homes and aid here, companies were started and saved here. It was good.”
It is no exaggeration to say that Warren Ellis single-handedly changed the face of pop culture.
Warren Ellis is also accused of manipulating and sexually coercing many young women.
Writer and editor Katie West opened the dam with a thread on Twitter (since deleted) talking about her relationship with Ellis. Musician Meredith Yayanos, photographer Jayne Holmes and Denver Primrose also came forward with their own stories about Ellis, including screenshots of Twitter DMs from him. As of this writing, over 35 people have come forward to talk about their experiences with Ellis.
I believe them. I know that Ellis was capable of this because I was there. I saw it happen. And I did nothing about it.
