• Archives
  • Submit A Dating Question
  • The Secret Origin of Dr. NerdLove
  • Dr. NerdLove Store
  • Dr. NerdLove’s Affiliate Store

Paging Dr. NerdLove

Love, Sex and Dating For The Modern Nerd

Search The Archives

  • Books
  • Podcasts
  • The Grimes Test
  • Ask Dr. NerdLove
  • The Basics
  • Private Coaching
  • Submit A Dating Question

Archives for July 2020

Is There A Right Way To Break Up With Someone?

July 31, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

I am a 25 year old homosexual male. My boyfriend and I have been together a little over a year and a half. I love him dearly but I’m not 100% positive that he’s the man I want to marry and start a family with. Herein lies the issue: he is sure.

Now for some background. This man has had a VERY turbulent childhood. I’ll spare you the gory details, but long story short his parents kicked him out and disowned him when he came out as trans. Needless to say, he didn’t really have a family before he met me. He’s told me on multiple occasions how I’ve given him a family, and I am so unbelievably happy that I’ve been able to do that for him.

However, I feel stuck.

Lately, I’ve been debating with myself if I want to pull the trigger and break up with him. I know this is gonna make me sound shallow, but part of it is because I miss dick, as he does not have one (he has a very small one that grew due to the hormones, but that’s besides the point) and will not entertain the idea of an open relationship. But the majority of it is because, ever since the pandemic hit, he’s been quite annoying and SUPER clingy. I’m not quite sure where it came from; he was never like this pre-COVID.

Like he’s told me, I’ve finally given him a family, and I have no idea how in the hell I can even BEGIN to take that away from him. And that comes in addition to the internal debate that normally comes with wanting to break up with a person.

I also thought it might be worth adding that he has told me multiple times that he would never break up with me. So, if either of us were to break things off, it’d be me. I don’t like that and, I’m no relationship expert, but that can’t be healthy. What if I were to royally screw him over in some unforgivable way?

Any advice on the matter would be greatly appreciated.

–Caught Between a Rock and a Hard Place

[Read more…]

What Matters the Most In A Relationship?

July 29, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

I can’t seem to land on an answer to the question of what’s important, compatibility or chemistry? Logically I know that compatibility is more important to long-term relationship success but is ‘chemistry’ as an idea better left to movies and novels?

I think the reason i’m having so much trouble with this idea is that I grew up as an only child in a household where neither of my parents were particularly affectionate to each other, arguments between them were fairly common and I can’t say I ever really saw any chemistry there. Sometimes they didn’t seem compatible either. I guess I’m happy that they’re still together, even if I can’t shake the feeling that they might be happier apart, but it’s not really for me to say. I just wish I had a better example of what a relationship should look like, so that I could navigate my own easier.

I’m 29 now, and my 20s have been a rollercoaster for relationships. I had one “long term” relationship in my life at 19 that lasted 9 months, was pretty dysfunctional and ended really badly for us both. Afterwards I became really cynical, and my behaviour leaned towards PUA and misogyny, eventually I realised what was happening and that I needed to work heavily on myself and get to therapy.

Now I’ve been single for about 10 years, and honestly I feel pretty good about myself. I’ve grown a self-confidence and self-assuredness that in my early 20s I was really compensating for a lack of. I know what I want for myself as an individual and actively work towards that daily. In the past 5 years, I tried dating again, but the last 4 women I’ve dated (Each for a couple of months) just did not reciprocate in full the intense feelings I had for them and ended things. I also blitzed past some red flags that in hindsight, really should have spelled things out for me.

These intense feelings are what I’ve been categorising as ‘chemistry’ for my entire life, but I cannot name one time where these feelings actually did me any favours in developing a healthy long-term relationship. It always feels more like a drug trip that causes me to act clumsily and out of character and come across as clingy and ultimately cause the breakdown of a relationship rather than give it growth.

I recently met someone on a dating app, we’ve seen each other on average twice a week for over a month. I’m physically attracted to her, the sex is really good for us both and whilst its still quite early to tell, on paper we have shared values and our interests align. But I’m not feeling the usual chemistry that I’ve used to navigate relationships for my entire life, and I just can’t work out whats feeling slightly ‘off’.

She’s demonstrated some clinginess, which I think is partly to do with being off-work during lockdown and having too much free time. The clinginess isn’t a dealbreaker, especially in current times and given my own past, but I’m feeling a bit suffocated whilst I can’t work out what, if anything, I should be feeling towards her. In the past, the teenage-like excitement and euphoria is what motivated me to go the extra mile for someone. Is part of a mature relationship doing that without those feelings at all?

Am I misinterpreting what ‘chemistry’ actually is? Does each individual need to decide for themselves whether to prioritise a relationship of compatibility, or one of chemistry? My gut tells me to keep looking for that spark again, but my past demonstrates that it only ends in unhappiness for me. This could be a really great relationship that blossoms over time, do I just need to ignore the nagging feeling telling me something is missing and commit one hundred percent?

Thanks

Chemical Reaction

[Read more…]

How Do I Stop Being Envious of Other Couples?

July 27, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello Doc,
I am a 22 year old heterosexual guy. For context, I never had a sexual and/or romantic relationship, or any sexual experience of any kind. “Nevertheless” I still consider myself to be fairly sex-positive. Over the last few years I have come across a lot of sex-positivity related content and by now, I think I get most of it: comprehensive sex-education is fundamental, consent is key, I am not entitled to any sexual or romantic attention from anyone, the sex a woman is having has no bearing on her “respectability”, the sex a man has is not a testament to his worth or to the value of his character, and I should not care about other people’s romantic and sexual endeavors.

Yet it seems some part of my brain didn’t get the memo. Whenever I see a couple (whether fictional or real) displaying affection/intimacy, I can’t help but feel varying degrees of resentment and bitterness. It has gotten so strong that even my enjoyment of fiction has been affected: I skipped the Witcher (books, games and TV) series because I get annoyed at how much sexual and romantic attention the main protagonist gets. It may seem inconsequential, but it’s really becoming quite pervasive.

The strange part is, I think I might have had a healthier outlook on the subject in my teenage years, despite completely lacking the “theoretical” knowledge I have now (for example I only learned about consent around age 18, on the Internet). In high school I was attracted to one of my classmates and tried to “seduce” her (as much as socially incompetent and emotionally unintelligent teenager can). When she ended up hooking with someone else, sure I was jealous, but it was really a “the lucky bastard did what I wish I could do” jealousy rather than the bitterness and borderline-hateful envy 22 year-old me would have felt.

The goal would be to attain a mindset in which my lack of sexual and romantic relationships doesn’t taint my perception of others and sexuality in general. There are two options that I feel I should get out of the way first:

-buy the services of a sex-worker to “get it out of my system”. I live in a country where it is legal and could probably do it without too much hassle if I tried. On the other hand, I realize a sex-worker’s job is not to ride negative mindsets out of their clients (to paraphrase one of your videos), and that a x-minutes session of body-part contact probably won’t solve the issue.

-go to therapy. I mention it because with everything I said so far, one would be forgiven to think that I am an “incel”, but I doubt that that description suits me. Apart from what I said above, I would say I am “normal” (in the statistical sense, not the normal=good abnormal=bad sense) enough, with hobbies I (more or less) keep up with and an education that is (more or less) advancing. So I don’t really see what a therapist can do, and I don’t want to waste the time of a therapist who has more pressing patient to attend to. Plus therapy isn’t cheap.

So here comes my question: how does one get rid of such a mindset regarding sexuality and women, before it becomes a hindrance to other people’s well-being and my peace of mind?

Thank you for your answer and your work in general.

Trying to Stay Positive

[Read more…]

Help, My Girlfriends’ Guy Friends Make Me Jealous

July 24, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

So I have been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for close to two years now. And she has always had some male friends. In fact she has been hanging around these guys for years even before I met her. And she told they’re like brothers to her. I am aware that her mom knows them and is even friends with some of these guys parents. Before we met she use to hang out a lot with them but I told that I didn’t feel comfortable with that and she backed off. It would usually be every once in a while. Lately, especially because of the pandemic we’ve been talking on the phone a lot, close to all day sometimes (I don’t work everyday and she’s out of school at the moment).

These past few weeks they have starting hanging out more, I would say once or twice a week and it really bothers me. I’m currently in a different state for work and I know absolutely no one here and everything is closed to add to it. So phone conversations with my friends or her keep me busy. On the weekends I would try to hang out with some colleagues (that I would not usually go out with) to keep myself from thinking about her being with her friends. She’s a very direct type of girl and would tell you what she thinks right off the bat but I can’t seem to not think that she might be cheating or something especially when she goes home late even though she texts me whenever she’s out. I got so bad that I would get so angry when I come home from work and want to talk with her and she tells me she’s at their place, that I would not text her nor answer her calls until the next day.

I know there is an issue from my side and it starting to be poisonous for me but how should I address this situation?

Green Eyed Monster

[Read more…]

Episode #147 — How To Talk To Anyone (At Any Time)

July 22, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

One reason why a lot of guys have a hard time meeting women is because they’ve put ALL of their focus on ONLY talking to women, and even then, only women that they’re attracted to.

The truth is that the most popular and socially successful men — the ones who do the best with women — tend to be the ones who talk to everyone. Part of the secret to their success is that they know how to connect with people  and build relationships that lead to the results they’re looking for, whether it’s networking, making new friends or meeting and dating new and amazing women.

They’re able to start conversations and talk with just about everyone they meet. And today, I’m going to teach you how.

SHOW HIGHLIGHTS:

  • How you can start a conversation with anyone at any time
  • When you should approach people directly, and when you should use a more indirect approach to start a conversation
  • Why asking a stranger for a favor helps turn them into friends
  • How to get people to come talk to you
  • What the most socially successful people do that makes them instantly magnetic

…and so much more.

RELATED LINKS:

5 Signs Women Want You To Approach Them

Never Run Out Of Things To Talk About

How To Get Women To Approach You

5 Secrets to Make People Like You

How To Be Charming

Listen Here
Download Here


Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher and on YouTube.

Like the podcast? Become a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

[Read more…]

Next Page »

About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

Connect With Dr. NerdLove

  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • RSS
  • Twitter
  • YouTube

Categories

Like Us On Facebook

Facebook Pagelike Widget

Become a Dr. NerdLove Patron

Virtual Tip Jar

private coaching is available at doctornerdlove.com/private-coaching

Out Now!

My new dating guide, New Game + is available at Amazon.com , iTunes and everywhere books are sold.

Recent Comments

  • Will S. Oh my Transient Friend, I've been there, twice in a row with workmates - it was like reading a part of my own life story! My best advice would be just stop messaging her and move on immedialtey. If...

    I Was A Nice Guy And It Backfired. How Do I Win My Friend Back? ·  June 26, 2022

  • Belinda I had a f**k buddy situation in college for six months and I was completely infatuated with the guy. I wanted some much more for him, which he was well aware of. He did ask me to hang out, which I did...

    My Boyfriend’s Kink Turns Me Off. What Do I Do? ·  June 26, 2022

  • fuzzilla On the one hand, it might have kept me stuck and not fully open to dating someone else (and I did date other people, but maybe I wasn’t as “all in” as I could have been). On the other hand, it...

    My Boyfriend’s Kink Turns Me Off. What Do I Do? ·  June 26, 2022

  • Belinda It was an eye-opening experience. One I kind of wish I didn't have. I mean, a good number of these guys were my buddies. They were flirtatious with me and I of course assumed there were other women...

    I Was A Nice Guy And It Backfired. How Do I Win My Friend Back? ·  June 26, 2022

  • Belinda "To wait for the guy to volunteer more before giving him the world." Or don't treat him like your boyfriend unless he's your boyfriend. Idk. I am not a fan of FWBs. Hooking up a couple of times, fine....

    My Boyfriend’s Kink Turns Me Off. What Do I Do? ·  June 26, 2022

Popular Posts

What Couples Can Learn From Gomez and Morticia AddamsWhat Couples Can Learn From Gomez and Morticia Addams
Socially Awkward Isn’t An ExcuseSocially Awkward Isn’t An Excuse
Nerds and Male PrivilegeNerds and Male Privilege
On Labeling Women “Crazy”On Labeling Women “Crazy”
When Masculinity Fails MenWhen Masculinity Fails Men

Archives

Tags

abusive relationships ask dr. nerdlove attraction be a better man be a better person boundaries break up cheating communication confidence dating Don't Be A Creeper emotional abuse emotional health emotional intelligence flirting level up lifestyle masculinity meeting men Meeting Women mental health online dating podcast podcasts rejection relationship drama relationship maintenance relationships self-confidence self-esteem self-improvement self-limiting beliefs sex sexual compatibility sexuality skills social skills talking to women the friend zone toxic masculinity toxic relationships use your words virginity youtube