Archives for November 2020

Can Not Having Sex Drive Me Crazy?

November 30, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi DNL! How do I stop feeling bad about lack of sex and not being able to get it? This has been an issue for me pre- and post-COVID. I’m a thirty-something heterosexual male who’s never identified as traditionally masculine, was a late bloomer in dating and never really found fulfillment in my twenties. I’ve learned a lot about myself since then and now know the types of people I click with the best, but the pandemic has put a huge wrench in my ability to seek what I look for even with all the education and “tools” for growth that people like you teach.

I’ve done my best to educate myself about toxic masculinity, I don’t give a shit about status or admiration from male peers (I’m just not interested in associating with heteronormative men, and my “male” friends are on the queer spectrum and don’t encourage unhealthy conversations about sex), I don’t watch porn, I make sure my masturbation habits are healthy and have a toy that I use for “maintenance”, and yet I’m still feeling miserable without being to share the experience with another human being. It’s the collection of emotions, senses, smell, touch, noises, and everything about it that I just can’t find from solo sex, VR, toys, porn, etc. Am I a sex addict or something? I feel broken about suffering from so much angst and depression about this, and my therapist isn’t really helpful in talking about this issue. I want to change therapists but there’s a severe lack of resources I can access and don’t even know where to begin with finding a therapist that understands male sexuality without shaming or giving platitudes.

My “love language” is physical and before the pandemic I had several people I could call cuddle buddies to help with skin hunger, but we are not sexual and the ones I am attracted to aren’t available or are not interested in me sexually. Due to the serious restrictions in my area, I can’t even find a person to create a “bubble” with until there’s a vaccine (which will be delayed in my area due to government fuck ups). Online apps have not been helpful for me either and I’ve done everything I can to take personal responsibility to improve my experience but it’s just an exercise in rejection and constant disappointment.

Things are really not looking well for economic recovery in my area and it feels like it will be years before things are back to “normal” with opportunities and etc. How can I survive a few more years of this?

Impending Basket Case

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Help, My Boyfriend Became a Right Wing COVID Conspiracy Theorist!

November 27, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I have been dating a white man for 5 yrs ( I am a black Woman). He is Republican from a family of Democrats. When George Floyd hit he marched in 3 BLM marches and helped to organize one in his hometown. Then he tried to read the new jim crow and how to be anti-racist.

He’s recently imploded with statements about inequity not being real, racism not being as common and systemic racism not existing. He also went from COVID vigilance to COVID = Common Cold. Having no empathy for any death or illness saying – People have to die of something.

He is Christian and although I am as well I was raised with open minded critically thinking educated parents. Basically I am not a follower even while I love God and the Bible I understand the human lens and the millions of enslaved, killed and marginalized victims of religion. He is not deep diving into Christianity he is deep diving into Youtube Right Wingers and Donald Trump. He calls Democrats “pedophiles” and “communists” and says that “BLM founders are violent socialist lesbians who hate all white people.”

He also has interrupted my phone calls to voice his opinion and every conversation about the weather ends with a comment about Trump being maligned and discriminated against and how Democrats have ruined the world and tricked black people into thinking in evil and unproductive ways. AND MOST OF ALL I AM A 35 YEAR LONG ADVOCATE FOR MARGINALIZED COMMUNITIES! A LOBBYIST, TRAINER AND UPLIFTER OF VOICES. THIS IS HOW I GET PAID AND THIS IS WHO I AM TO MY CORE.

I have a 14 yr old son – he now hates my bf and I am making plans to leave. I just need 250.00 increase in monthly income which I know I do.

Explain why a White man dating a Black Woman who works to improve lives would suddenly shift to worshipping Trump, dismissing disparity and lack empathy for victims of COVID.

Because most of my work is within Mental Health – I am worried he is mentally ill.

Dating Mr. Hyde

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How To Be More Persuasive

November 25, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove 72 Comments

Doctor’s Note: This article was first published on October 31, 2016

Ever gotten into an argument with someone who’s clearly wrong, but you can’t change their mind? Wish you could just Jedi mind-trick your racist uncle into not voting for a bigot? Or have you just been jealous of people who seem to be natural influencers, who are just so persuasive that everyone seems to agree with them?

"Let's be real, how much better would your life be if you just listened to me?" — “Let’s be real: how much better would your life be if you just listened to me?”

More persuasive people understand something that most folks don’t get: that bringing someone around to your point of view isn’t about logic, it’s about emotion. Being more persuasive isn’t about having the best, most logical argument, it’s about how you get people to listen in the first place. By learning how to connect with people, you can become a master influencer.

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What Do I Tell People Who Think My Relationships Is “Not Normal”?

November 23, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

Outside observers have commented that my relationship with my boyfriend seems unhealthily weird, however to me it feels like a good (though unusual) fit. I suspect my boyfriend might have schizoid personality disorder – so am I fooling myself that this is even possible?

Background: We’ve been dating for over 5 years. My boyfriend (late 30s) is extremely reserved and quiet, and not inclined to talk about himself or his feelings. His mother left the family when he was young, and I think that affected him deeply. He is the sort of person who would always be on the periphery of the crowd at a club, or dancing by himself. He has some OCD tendencies (placement of objects, worries about germs) but nothing too extreme. He tends to views himself as a solo ship making his own way through life, and doesn’t trust people in general. I joked to him once at the beginning of our relationship that maybe the reason we crossed paths is for him to experiment with more attachment and me with more detachment. And as time has gone on that’s actually what happened, I think to both of our benefits.

He is not a verbally expressive person nor is he comfortable with PDA, but in private he is a big cuddler, wants to be close and often tells me he loves me in the middle of the night when he and/or I are both half asleep. I am the first woman he has introduced to his family (I wish I had a picture of their faces, talk about priceless shock) and now always prefers when I come along when there are family gatherings. We don’t live together, but I stay over with him about half the time; he always looks forward to when I come and wants me to stay as long as possible. Recently he has brought up the topic of living together, which we both agree means finding a place big enough for us to have our own personal space.

I appreciate the fact he is not the kind of person who is going to fluff me up with a bunch of empty compliments, for example, or ask me a bunch of questions. His conservative nature has pushed me to rely on myself and not him for emotional and mental centering, which has given me the unexpected gift of identifying and expressing my own opinions — in the past I was so used to taking on my partner’s thoughts and desires as mine that it took me quite a while to get in touch with my own. I also know when I tell him directly I need something, or ask for pretty much anything – physical comfort, cuddles, a snack (LOL) – he will provide it without hesitation. (Sometimes he needs to be told exactly how to do it if it’s related to emotional comfort, but if I can give him clear enough direction he will provide what I request.)

One other critical component is that although we have great physical chemistry when we are intimate, he seems to not be a super sexually focused overall – something I am not used to with men. This is a totally new experience for me and initially it was very hard to understand why he wasn’t trying to rip my clothes off 24-7 and instead would sometimes rather cuddle up and watch a cute movie about animals. I have a history of abusive relationships, so I’m accustomed to my worth revolving around my body and my willingness to submit to my partner’s directives. Since this does not apply to my boyfriend as far as I can tell, it’s been a real game changer for me. There is something innocent about him that makes me feel… at ease, I suppose.

I know he isn’t “normal”, so to speak, in the way he interacts with the world. But then, I bring my own stuff to the mix too. Is it possible that his “not normal” provides the right fit for my “not normal”? Or does that just make two times the trouble? Am I missing red flags like overly-interested observers have declared or should I tell them to mind their own beeswax?

— Fending Off The Normie Love Police

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How Do I Get My Partner To Slow Down In Bed?

November 20, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

I appreciate you’re not a medical doctor so can’t comment on potential physical causes for this issue, but I’m not even sure where to start looking for advice on this that doesn’t immediately descend into snake-oil and weird assumptions. I’ve been following your blog since the sex-positive hey-day of the late aughts, so I hope you or your followers might have some pointers. (We’re in the UK, for accessing resources purposes)

So, my husband (M39) and I (M35) have been together nine years, lived together four, and married for two (and before some cleverclogs in the comments suggests it, no, there’s been no infidelity). I get that one’s sex life tends to get less athletic as you get older and more familiar, but we’ve got an ongoing problem that is just getting upsetting now, namely that my husband is experiencing premature ejaculation when he’s topping during penetrative sex. I think it started maybe 5 years ago – he’d been going through a pretty stressful time with one thing and another, I tried not to make a Big Deal of it when it started because I didn’t want to give him a complex – and it’s got to the point where he goes off a matter of seconds after he’s in. It’s uncomfortable for me (he’s even hurt me a couple of times when he’s involuntarily thrust before I was ready), and unsatisfying for both of us (he’s only getting the most perfunctory orgasm out of it).

It’s also deeply upsetting for him, because it plays into a whole slew of insecurity about being “undesirable” and “unlovable” no matter how much I try to convince him that I do love him and desire him very much. He doesn’t have a problem getting or maintaining and erection, and lasts for a normal length of time during other kinds of sex, it’s literally just topping. Thing is, although we do have and enjoy having non-penetrative sex (I’m including oral in that, fwiw), he’s sort of got it in his head now that anal is some sort of Gold Standard and that I couldn’t possibly be satisfied by anything else. And, like, I am, of course I am and I let him know that, but if I’m going to be honest, though, and also conform to stereotype, sometimes I like being fucked and I do miss it. (As a couple of asides/ context points, he doesn’t especially enjoy bottoming, and I have depression which can make my sexual response a bit hit and miss sometimes, but I’m usually happy to get him off even if I’m feeling dead from the waist down)

So, how do we even begin to address this? I’m pretty sure it’s a psychological thing rather than a physical one, and he’s being stubborn about going to his GP about it. We had limited success with me getting him off, then giving it half an hour before trying, but he got worried he was just training himself to cum too quickly that way too and stopped it. I actually have no idea what his masturbation habits are like, we’re both deeply private about that (thanks conservative upbringing!). I’m seriously worried this is going to start impacting on all aspects of intimacy between us, as we do get into vicious cycles of avoiding sex, or anything that could be interpreted as initiating sex, because of the upset it causes both of us. I love him, I think he’s terribly attractive, and we otherwise have a very close, supportive, affectionate relationship, but I know from past experience that nothing kills a relationship faster than lack of intimacy.

Thanks for any suggestions,

Slow Speed Racer, Slow

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