Dear Dr. NerdLove:
Outside observers have commented that my relationship with my boyfriend seems unhealthily weird, however to me it feels like a good (though unusual) fit. I suspect my boyfriend might have schizoid personality disorder – so am I fooling myself that this is even possible?
Background: We’ve been dating for over 5 years. My boyfriend (late 30s) is extremely reserved and quiet, and not inclined to talk about himself or his feelings. His mother left the family when he was young, and I think that affected him deeply. He is the sort of person who would always be on the periphery of the crowd at a club, or dancing by himself. He has some OCD tendencies (placement of objects, worries about germs) but nothing too extreme. He tends to views himself as a solo ship making his own way through life, and doesn’t trust people in general. I joked to him once at the beginning of our relationship that maybe the reason we crossed paths is for him to experiment with more attachment and me with more detachment. And as time has gone on that’s actually what happened, I think to both of our benefits.
He is not a verbally expressive person nor is he comfortable with PDA, but in private he is a big cuddler, wants to be close and often tells me he loves me in the middle of the night when he and/or I are both half asleep. I am the first woman he has introduced to his family (I wish I had a picture of their faces, talk about priceless shock) and now always prefers when I come along when there are family gatherings. We don’t live together, but I stay over with him about half the time; he always looks forward to when I come and wants me to stay as long as possible. Recently he has brought up the topic of living together, which we both agree means finding a place big enough for us to have our own personal space.
I appreciate the fact he is not the kind of person who is going to fluff me up with a bunch of empty compliments, for example, or ask me a bunch of questions. His conservative nature has pushed me to rely on myself and not him for emotional and mental centering, which has given me the unexpected gift of identifying and expressing my own opinions — in the past I was so used to taking on my partner’s thoughts and desires as mine that it took me quite a while to get in touch with my own. I also know when I tell him directly I need something, or ask for pretty much anything – physical comfort, cuddles, a snack (LOL) – he will provide it without hesitation. (Sometimes he needs to be told exactly how to do it if it’s related to emotional comfort, but if I can give him clear enough direction he will provide what I request.)
One other critical component is that although we have great physical chemistry when we are intimate, he seems to not be a super sexually focused overall – something I am not used to with men. This is a totally new experience for me and initially it was very hard to understand why he wasn’t trying to rip my clothes off 24-7 and instead would sometimes rather cuddle up and watch a cute movie about animals. I have a history of abusive relationships, so I’m accustomed to my worth revolving around my body and my willingness to submit to my partner’s directives. Since this does not apply to my boyfriend as far as I can tell, it’s been a real game changer for me. There is something innocent about him that makes me feel… at ease, I suppose.
I know he isn’t “normal”, so to speak, in the way he interacts with the world. But then, I bring my own stuff to the mix too. Is it possible that his “not normal” provides the right fit for my “not normal”? Or does that just make two times the trouble? Am I missing red flags like overly-interested observers have declared or should I tell them to mind their own beeswax?
— Fending Off The Normie Love Police
