Archives for January 2021

How Do I Tell My Girlfriend I’m Ready To Try Her Kink?

January 29, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Doctor’s Note: today’s column deals with talk of sexual assault in the context of people pretending to not consent to sexual activities.

What’s up, Doc?

I’m a 25 year old male, and I’m dating a 24 year old woman, we’ve been together about two months so far, and it’s mostly been very positive. We have healthy boundaries, no end of things to talk on, and well-matched sexually, for the most part. That’s why I’m writing.

See, while we’re mostly great for each other sexually, I have one thing that I feel a bit hung up on, and it’s not so much any fantasy of mine, or hers, more that I expressed discomfort with something, and I regret doing so now…

To be specific, she mentioned that she would really like to roleplay dubious consent scenarios, and at first, I thought I couldn’t deal with that, I’m a person with a lot of feelings of guilt, and ultimately, I thought for sure I’d be unable to bring myself to even consensually act out non-consent. She said it was okay, and that she’d not pursue that route with me if it made me uncomfortable.

The thing is, I gave it more thought, and realized that it’s ultimately something that is roleplay, and we can still define clear lines of what is and isn’t acceptable in that scenario with safewords and the like, and with such safeguards in place, I feel better about it. The thing is, I’m a bit hesitant to say that I’m willing to revisit that conversation, because I worry she’ll think I’m trying to make her feel better, and that I’m not really comfortable with it, more putting on a “brave face”, something she said she very much didn’t want me to do.

My question here, is pretty simple: How do I bring it up that I’ve given it more thought, and that I’m willing to try it, without it seeming insincere in that fashion?

-Safe, Sane, and Consensual

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What Nobody Tells You About Grieving

January 27, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove 43 Comments

(Doctor’s Note: This was originally published on March 13, 2017)

You’d be surprised how bored you can get waiting for someone to die.

If you’ve been lucky, this sounds either horrific or a pretty good way to start a book. On the other hand, if you’ve dealt with an impending death in the family, it may seem almost distressingly familiar. You may even be horrified by the fact that you thought it. And yet, you absolutely meant it. Welcome to the grieving process, where your own brain finds new ways to shock you on an hourly basis.

Grief and grieving are a process that we all will have to go through at one point or another, and yet none of us are ever adequately prepared for. We think we understand what’s going to happen – we cry, we mourn, we move on eventually – but nothing quite gets you ready for the reality of it. And because the human brain has all sorts of ways to surprise you, some of the grieving process will absolutely fuck you up if you don’t realize it’s coming.

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Do I Have A Type, or Do I Have A Fetish?

January 25, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

I need an honest opinion from you on something that I feel shame and guilt, after I give some more details: am I fetishizing women?

I seem to be only attracted to very curvy women with wide hips, thick legs, “pawgs,” “bbws,” etc. I’ve dated a variety of body types throughout my twenties (30 now), and only really feel a strong sexual connection and satisfaction with women who fit those body characteristics. I also notice a pattern in that it’s mostly white women and some latina and Brazilian women, but I don’t feel sexual attraction to asian or black women. So, am I also racist? I really hope not, because I find all different types of women “beautiful” and “gorgeous,” and appreciate diversity, but I just don’t feel sexual desire for most. If it turns out I do have internalized prejudice, how do I go about reversing that outside of therapy? (Can’t afford it at the moment, and not sure how to bring the subject up with a professional)

Anyways, I’m quite cognizant about who I want to date, and I really want to get to know a person before I engage sexually with them, so I don’t have any interest in cruising, hooking up, or “trying to get laid.” I think I’m looking at the bigger picture when it comes to dating and sex, but can’t help shake off the feeling that even if I care about a wider variety of traits other than the physical, I’m still “objectifying” women because of their bodies. I honestly wish I could be attracted to thin and average sized women, because that would open up my possibilities, but it just doesn’t happen.

Not really sure how to end my message but I appreciate your writings and will be grateful if you find the time to offer your insights. Thanks!

Female Body Introspector

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How Do I Get Over My Fear of Being Rejected?

January 22, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Doctor NerdLove,

First of all, thank you for your good work! I’m a long time reader of your blog, and I like the content you put up, your sense of humor, and the hope you give to people who struggle at dating.

The problem I want to talk you about is that I have a clearly irrational (but socially crippling) fear of romantic rejection and I want to know what to do about it.

Just to start, here’s some background information about me: I’m a 34 years old man, single. I have dealt with OCD and depression for years and I’m still in therapy. I have a job I really like as an assistant teacher for special education children, and even though I don’t earn a lot my job perspectives are getting better. I have my own car, but for a series of reasons (including the recent pandemic) I still live with my mother. So, overall, I could do better, but I could do worse, too.

I have never had a lot of success in terms of romantic relationships – I’ve had a semi-serious sexual relationship years ago that didn’t last long, and I’ve been on a few dates during the years – although only very rarely and never to the point of things getting beyond early dates.

My biggest dating problem is, indeed, the one I mentioned before: I’m irrationally afraid of being rejected, so I rarely if ever approach women romantically and I actually often prefer not to. I used to have issues making friends as well (again, mostly due to fear of rejection) but that’s getting better in the last years – I’ve made several friends who like me and respect me, and I like and respect them.

I can have light, funny, flirty conversation – and occasionally, if everything seems to go well, that seems to be enough to casually agree to meet each other again, usually without this explicitly being called “a date”. And on one occasion a woman I met pulled basically all the stops: she sat on my lap, we kissed me and she brought me to her room – we ended up dating for a short period of time.

That happens only very rarely, though, and I realize I can’t rely on the women I meet to do all the work – it’s quite a thing to expect!

However whenever I try to psych myself up to ask out a woman I’m having a fun, breezy conversation with my brain always comes up with fears upon fears and worries upon worries, so I end up either a) folding back to a less flirty and more friendly behavior or b) freezing and making things slightly awkward, then moving on.

The worries always center about the rejection itself – especially around the idea that I’ve somehow deluded myself that the person I was talking to was actually interested in me romantically or sexually, and they’re actually not, so I’m putting them in a difficult situation and they don’t know how to react to break it down gently to me. Somehow I find this thought incredibly scary and painful – I’d really hate to end up in a situation like this, so I prefer bailing out, even though rationally I know that it wouldn’t be such a big deal.

The funny thing is that I don’t have a problem with the concept of rejection per se on a rational basis- I realize I can’t appeal to everyone I meet and that people have their own priorities and preferences.

I’ve also been soft-rejected by phone, social media or email several times after a first or second date and it’s always been no big deal – and when I’m ghosted I’m not happy but I can move on. It’s just the possibility of immediate rejection in presence that for some irrational reason I can’t fully understand fills me with dread.

Things use to be worse in the past – I used to pretend to be in a relationship to give myself the chance to interact with people without having to worry about romantic rejection – which I understand is something that doesn’t make a lick of sense, and isn’t healthy, so I’ve stopped doing that.

(It’s also counterproductive – there have been a couple of occasions when I was having a fun conversation with a woman and things seemed to go well but I lied about seeing someone as a way to avoid having to ask out the woman I was talking to even if they seemed interested – talk about being illogical!)

I’m discussing my problem with my therapist and so far I’m not making any sense of it – so I said to myself that I could try to ask out someone who has specific experience and knowledge about dating issues.

Thanks,

Irrationally Afraid of Rejection

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My Crush Sends Me Flirty Texts When She’s Drunk. What Do I Do?

January 20, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Greetings, Doc. I’ve never done this before, so I don’t know what to expect or truly ask for.

I’ve known this girl since high-school, which was 5 or 6 years ago. We were pretty close for some time, before I joined the Army in 2015 and she joined the Air Force in 2016. She’s known that I “loved” her — or at least thought I loved her — since the 2nd year in our friendship. She’s politely declined and told me where she stands and her thoughts.

Cut to the middle of 2020, she was in New Orleans and snapchatted me very cute pictures and some of them were a serious lust look and she had clearly been drinking. Our conversations carried on for a week or two before I asked her if she remembered Snapchatting at me first on such and such date, and she said she didn’t remember. That kinda hurt but I wasn’t really surprised since I had the feeling since that night.

(She the kind of girl that I would let her rip my heart out, stomp on it and leave me left for dead basically.)

She snapchatted me last night saying someone at the bar looked like me and she was a little tipsy for sure. And then she went on for a couple minutes kind of complimenting me saying how much I’ve matured, and grown, and seem better than I was when I was in high school. She went home and she didn’t reply to my last snap, so I sent her a good night message and she opened it this morning and hasn’t responded to me sense.

We’ve never dated, kissed, or anything before. She sent me letters with her perfume on them, her senior pictures when I was in Basic Training. And we currently live 1,000 miles away from each other and we haven’t seen each other since 2018.

What should I think and or do about this situation?

Thank you for your time!

Where Do I Go From Here?

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