Archives for May 2021

Ask Dr. NerdLove: What’s Wrong With My Being a Pick-Up Artist?

May 31, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I’m a 29 year old man living in Texas. Growing up and even in my early 20s, I kept getting rejected by women. I was pissed this kept happening so I decided to do something about it. Because look, if I’m the common denominator, the problem is ME.

First, I focused on self-improvement and striving a decent person. I still had ZERO success. And I didn’t even get matches on Tinder.

Then my best friend introduced me to this company called RSD (Real Social Dynamics) and I followed the teachings there. I’ve had multiple girlfriends since, and it’s crazy because I did everything people previously suggested such as do a hobby, work out, be interesting on dates, etc…yet I’m seeing women were into me way more when I started acting like more of an asshole.

Why is PUA stuff like RSD derided when it clearly got some guys like me results? The advice there was much more helpful than ANYTHING I see in the mainstream. Also, when people say this is just manipulation, it’s also on the counterparty because they SELECT for this type of behavior. When I was “kind and decent” I only got rejected and heard “women don’t owe you anything because you’re a kind person”, so I just adapted to what I noticed women I liked responded to.

Really, what’s wrong with doing what works? I sometimes think all these people who never gave me good input and are suddenly expressing outrage with PUA should stfu because they have no business chiming in now.

Thanks,
Socially Dynamic

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Why Am I So Indecisive About Dating?

May 28, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello, Doc.

I’m a long time reader (male, straight) who has been following your site on and off since high school; currently, I am in my mid 20s, with no dating or sexual experience. This doesn’t bother me, per se. At the risk of sounding cocky, I am fairly certain I could date and so on if I tried in earnest, but I’ve only actively pursued a couple women my entire life, to no avail.

I am cynical about long-term relationships and discomfited by the intimacy involved in more casual arrangements. Early relationship excitement does appeal, except I am not an excitable person. I’ve been infatuated twice (see above), more because of unique circumstances (first crush, quarantine) than anything else. That’s unlikely to repeat, in large part because I’d rather it didn’t by now. This tangle of emotions has resulted in endless inaction, yet the notion of remaining celibate indefinitely rankles me. After all, You Only Live Once.

Hence, an ages old internal debate that I like to dub “Sense & Sensibility.” Sensibility would rather I leave matters the way they are, not because of any genuine hope of deliverance but just to enjoy the fantasy of larger-than-life romance a bit longer. Sense opines I’ve wasted enough time dithering and should just date casually; no need to become seriously involved with someone I am “merely fond of” if that offends Sensibility so much, but I could at least enjoy myself. This latter argument seems particularly persuasive when Sensuality (lust, but alliteration makes for alluring allegories) jumps in, but as a contestant it is woefully inconstant and so far Sensibility has enjoyed the advantage of being the incumbent.

With the quarantine hopefully coming to an end soon, the question of what to do is relevant again and therefore eager to torment me. Sometimes I manage to tell myself that, once meeting new people becomes feasible again, I’ll try asking some out and just date for the heck of it. But then the moment passes and I forswear all my plans. Hence, this letter. I am well aware of at least a portion of my flaws and it must be apparent by now that crippling indecisiveness is one of them.

Any advice would help. I should make it clear that my professional and social lives are going fairly well and I am overall content with my current situation, with plans to improve it further. So while I may seem dejected and do want to address this problem, its negative impact is mostly restricted to melancholy moods where I recite Keats to a suitably overcast sky. I try to balance that out by, I don’t know, singing AC/DC to a suitably overcast sky. Skies are nearly always suitably overcast this time of year where I live.

Thank you kindly,

Insert Clever Byname

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How To Reset Your Love Life

May 26, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

It’s something of a truism that dating can be exhausting. A lot of times, you spend weeks, months, even years feeling like you’re beating your head into a brick wall. And to make matters worse, for a lot of people, it can feel like they’re stuck in the same routine. They want different results, but it may well feel like they can’t stop doing the same thing over and over again.

Troubled hipster leaning against wall — “Just… give me… a minute to… recover. Gonna… break through… this wall… eventually.”

This often leads to frustration, burnout, even anger. This, in turn, creates a self-reinforcing cycle; the frustration and burnout color your attitude and your interactions with others, you don’t put as much effort in and your results continue to suck. It can be maddening.

But this is why sometimes the best thing you can do to get better at dating… is to do nothing.

No. Seriously.

Dating can be rough, especially now as more and more people are getting vaccinated and coming out of lockdown. It’s even easier to be discouraged because of the pandemic. It often feels like you need to make up for lost time — a year and change that was stolen from you that you can never get back. This ends up creating a self-imposed sense of urgency that just feeds into that cycle of frustration. It’s a Red Queen’s Race, running as fast as you can and putting in all this effort just to stay in place.

What you need is a reset; an opportunity to create a state-break that wipes the slate clean and lets you start over fresh. And now is the perfect time to break out of the cycle and reset your love life… by stepping away from dating entirely.

Here’s how you can create a break in your dating struggles and make the changes that let you reboot your entire dating outlook.

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How Do I Rebuild My Sexual Self-Esteem?

May 24, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

I just want to preface I really enjoy reading you and you’ve helped me out a lot when it comes to try and figure myself out as well as become more confident.

There’s just one aspect of my life in which I don’t feel confident at all: my sexual experience and sexual self-esteem. I’ve only had 2 sexual partners so far, mostly foreplay — that in and of itself isn’t a problem — yet my sexual confidence is at its lowest, even before I lost my virginity. Without wanting to go into details, my ex wasn’t really a supportive person, and everytime I would lose an erection due to performance anxiety, or struggle to adjust to a new position she would point it out in a hurtful way.

I feel this made me completely disinterested in sex, especially because I can’t portray myself in a sexual scenario; I always have the feeling I will fail, or be rebuked again, and I don’t even bother trying to date because I feel like I just CANNOT have sex.

This subject is actually stressing me a lot, and makes me feel like no one would actually want to sleep with me. Do you have any advice on how I could change my mindset or build better sexual confidence / self-esteem? I think I’m in need of some change (it’s pretty much the only area of life I’m not confident about)

Thanks for having me Doc

Soft Focus

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Have I Been Single For Too Long?

May 21, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I’m a cis female who has identified as bi for years (though lately I’m pretty sure I’m actually a lesbian but that’s not what I’m asking about.)

So I’ve recently gotten vaccinated. Me and a couple vaccinated friends (both women) had a meetup for the first time in a long time and it was all great. But one, call her J, was telling us a bad date story from awhile back about a guy who did nothing but talk about himself nonstop, and we winced with her. But in the process she said something that’s stuck with me. “He said he hadn’t dated anyone in like six years” and she made a face, and my other friend winced. Apparently this guy was about our age, little older (we’re all like 24/25).

Now…I’m sitting over here trying not to feel gutted because…that’s almost me. I know these friends didn’t mean anything by it, and honestly they AREN’T shallow like you’re going to say. They’re not “only tall guys for me” stereotypical people. They just, it seems, honestly think a guy who hasn’t dated AT ALL in six years is a red flag and I know these people… they’re mature and sensible and not super judgemental so when it comes from them, it’s a lot different than if I’d heard it from some rando online. I do wish the one who KNOWS my actual dating history hadn’t nodded and agreed (I don’t go into it as a rule because I’m kind of ashamed) because it makes me wonder if this is what she’d think of me if it were six years, and also what she thinks of me now and if I’m that friend people lowkey pity. I know this is all irrational and that’s not what they think, that’s not how they are but it still stung, though I said nothing about it.

Full disclosure…the last time I dated someone AT ALL was late 2018, and I dated this one girl for like a month or two. Since then the only person who’s ever shown an interest is a dude who drunkenly hit on one of my friends and then me by comparing us in terms of hotness and personality, openly. Yeah, we didn’t talk to him after that.

And before my first gf? I went out with ONE guy a few times. In twenty-goddamn-fourteen. And a female friend, one of my best ones, was into me for awhile but eventually got over that almost soon after she told me.

Granted, in the last year and a half there has been a pandemic, I don’t hold that against myself. But honestly, what was my excuse before?

I know I know, dating is a numbers and luck game, you’re worth more than who you date blah blah blah, but honestly? Looking back I realize it took me years to be willing to make the first move myself due to hearing about how girls shouldn’t be the pursuers as a teenager. And I also never tried online dating due to…honestly I don’t fully know why.

Maybe it was the horror stories I heard online and from at least half my friends, (especially in regards to how bi women especially get treated online). Maybe it was the idea that I just… don’t know if I know how to sell myself and I also don’t know what there is to sell? The pandemic had me reckoning with a lot of things in my life: even before, I had a lot of regrets in how I felt I didn’t handle my own life very well, and wasn’t grateful for the life I could’ve had. Other people have been in the closet struggling with unaccepting family but they managed to find love. I’ve accepted myself for years and had plenty of opportunities to look for love. What’s my excuse?

And also honestly? I’m just a very boring person. I feel like I consume media and write about it but I used to be able to write creatively and the spark of ideas and/or the will to actually put them down consistently has dried up almost two years before the pandemic. I don’t know what I have that anyone else doesn’t (I’m nice? I’m funny sometimes? Big fucking whoop. I suck at video games, I’m not that good at…anything? Except singing but when I went out for a music major I flunked theory twice (not for lack of trying it’s just hard lol) and also just found the workload and the type of life of a musician to be overwhelming and not what I wanted at all.

I guess I just am very aware I’m nothing special but when I think of how to fix it all I hear is stuff I’ve already thought of and tried before. Whenever I get into a conversation I feel like I struggle to connect or think of anything to say that others will care about unless the other person comes up with something interesting or I know its something we’re both into. Its so fucking lame, and passive, and I’m trying not to be. But conversations with anyone besides my friends (and even some of them) are fucking TERRIFYING to think about, even if I successfully hit it off with another woman online, what happens when we meet in person? Or run out of things to talk about? Everyone does eventually.

So long story short, the whole idea of building a relationship or seeking it out terrifies me and I know I know, the whole idea is to get out there and Just Do It! Or else you’ll probably say just go to therapy and work on yourself first, but honestly? I’m terrified that’ll take too much time for financial reasons and mental health reasons, if I wait to get myself in order to start dating I’ll be almost thirty before I’ve ever even tried to go on one singular date. I’m not doing that. I’ve waited long enough for things to just fall into my lap I cannot do it again but now I’m trying to psych myself up for it and I feel sure I’ll get into the ring now with a high-schoolers idea of relationships, and a high-school level of relationship skills.

TL;DR: What I really need is just need tips to become more interesting, to become the type of woman I’d feel was worth putting out there in the online dating world or the dating world in general, and how to give people a sort of “hook” in my profile and initial online chats without giving away too much personal stuff. Like, small talk is good actually, but how do I manage the bridge between it and Things I am Obsessed With and Deep Stuff? (Also I’m-lowkey-panicking about how to get good at sex cough cough) That middle is what I struggle with most of all.

Thanks for your time,

I’ve Got To Take Control Already

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