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Archives for September 2021

These Mistakes Ruin Relationships (Before They Can Even Start)

September 29, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Here’s a truth: relationships end. Sometimes they end because the relationship came to its natural conclusion; it was a relationship that was right for that particular place and time, and the people involved outgrew the relationship. Other times, however, relationships end because the relationship itself didn’t work. Someone wasn’t happy, someone found that their needs weren’t being met, or realized that they just had to go. Still other times, relationships end because people let it die… or caused its death.

young man standing with a Red Rose on Hand with woman walking away in a park
Wife Guy… NO MORE

But what a lot of folks often don’t realize is how many relationships had their end already written before the relationship had even begun. While the early days of dating someone are often the easiest and most enjoyable, these can also set the stage for how the relationship will end…  sooner, rather than later. It’s all too easy to get caught up in the thrill of the new, when you and your partner are both getting that oxytocin high off each other and not realize that you’re planting the seeds that will cause everything to fall apart down the line.

To make matters worse, these are issues that may seem minor at first, but metastasize faster than you might realize. They may feel insignificant at the start, but ultimately they’re matters of respect; respect for your partner and respect for yourself. And a relationship without respect cannot last or be healthy.

Gentlemen, you don’t want to leave your future to chance. It’s time to learn how to recognize the mistakes that will spell the end of even the happiest relationships. When you understand and avoid these mistakes, you’ll quit struggling with your relationships and become the kind of man your partner will love to brag about to others.

[Read more…]

What If He’s NOT Man Enough?

September 27, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Dr. NerdLove, 

I was inspired to write this based on the headline of your recent article and how you’ve talked about archetypes in previous columns. Do you have any advice for or places to look for men who don’t really identify under the banner of masculinity in general? I know you’ve pushed the idea of there’re being tons and tons of different personal models of masculinity, but what about the people who fall out of even that?

While adopting feminine aesthetics has gotten more acceptance over the past few years, I don’t know if I’ve seen the same encouragement for guys who are – socially – feminine or androgynous. (Most aesthetically feminine guys I know are still fairly masculine personality-wise.) It’s usually either met with insults or an assumption that our lack of masculinity corresponds with some lack of confidence. I feel you can see this in a lot of media, in which a less masculine character might end their character arc with a boost in confidence and act more aggressive. What’s more, I do get the impression that your blog does tend to assume some degree of social masculinity. Not knocking you, but I do wonder if that changes the needed advice.

For background’s sake, despite identifying as a guy and having an outwardly masculine body, my personality and usual social role is regarded by myself and others as pretty feminine. My good friends often tell me I’m pretty feminine and “think like a woman” in a non-derogatory way and compare me a lot to the female characters in the shows we watch. (Think Nia from Gurren Lagann, Kumiko from Hibike Euphonium, Aerith from FF7, and in a rare male instance Kamui Uehara from the recent No More Heroes 3 and TSA) I’m well known in town for being ‘sweet’, people say I bring a calming atmosphere to the room, and my friends value me for being the guy that’ll always listen to their problems. These are all parts of me I like about myself and it feels pretty often that the dating advice people give ask me to abandon these aspects.

The whole “safe-dangerous” dichotomy is one that I feel gross about in particular, partially as someone who’s experienced sexual assault in the past. I really hate advice that says to make yourself “a little dangerous” as well as the contrasting notion that it’s my job in a relationship to “protect” the woman. Don’t get me wrong, I’d like to be able to say that in a crisis I’d do my best to help others and put them before myself, but something about me being seen in the image of a masculine “protector” makes my skin crawl. It feels like one of those areas where more progressive space will still trend towards gender essentialism.

(It’s probably good to mention I grew up and am getting my degree in a mid-sized town in a very red, very southern state. This probably has influenced the model of masculinity I’ve internalized. I have no plans at all to stay once I graduate.)

Now onto the actual ‘dating’ aspect. Despite getting myself to a point where I feel okay with asking girls out, I have yet to go on an actual date — much less form a romantic relationship. For some reason or another the answer is always a ‘no.’ Most of my friends, male and female, think I’d be a great boyfriend to whoever’d be into me and I’ve even had lady-friends offer to try and set me up on a date — all of which the attempts never succeed. While I’m grateful for the female friends I’ve had, I don’t really know what it feels like to be desired in a physical or romantic sense. (I know the point you’ve made about sex positivity leading to more/better sex but despite being that for most of my life it’s made no difference. Seeing that point kinda weirded me out after being sex-positive and approving of more forward women with no expectation of recompense for years.)

People will always say that I’ll know it when it happens, but that’s unfortunately rung hollow in my experience. I’ve had instances where I and my friends totally thought that someone was signaling interest towards me (initiating and heavily escalating physical contact, saying things as brazen as “I bet you’re a sub”, saying we should go out for coffee sometime, etc,) but when I make the move to ask them on a date it turns out they didn’t see me in that fashion at all. Every time I feel like I’m getting close, it’s as if the sun decides that it’s time for my wings to catch fire. And I’m not going to lie, it’s demoralizing. Confusing, even, when tons of girls around me’s first way to describe their boyfriend or crush is “a lot like you.”

I just don’t know what’s missing at this stage. Even worse, neither do my friends. My failed attempt usually end with the old sentiment of “you did everything right, the interest just wasn’t there.” But how long can I reasonably be expected to run on that?

I know you’ve mentioned that it’s good to be someone who is happy with who they are and to feel like you’re datable. I was doing pretty well for myself before the pandemic and have been trying to work on the physical and mental issues that predictably come with spending a year in isolation (might take a while to get that senior-sixty off, though.) I feel like I have somewhat interesting hobbies; I play guitar, I’m handy with a camera, I like to cook, and I’m constantly getting compliments from friends, peers, and professors on my personal writings. I’m well-liked within my town, and I’ve been working for years towards the path I want to take in life. I’m really wondering at this point where my blind spot could be, or if it’s just a simple matter of needing to continue with my weight loss, try therapy again despite my dissatisfaction with the last go around, and wait for someone who’ll finally either initiate or reciprocate my interest. Maybe my head will break the brick wall someday.

Best Regards,
Malewife Matriarch, Femboy Fatale

[Read more…]

How Do You Tell If Someone Is Just Playing Games?

September 24, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I’m a gay man. In my tennis group there is a 32 year old guy that I find very attractive, who I have known for about 3 years. We were never close friends, but rather just friendly acquaintances.

About 6 months ago, out of the blue, he started sending me direct messages, such as “good morning”, “how’s your day going”, “good night”- daily, several times a day. The conversations were short, but consistent. On several occasions I would lightly flirt with him. He would thank me, but he would never flirt back. So I assumed he was not interested in me beyond just being friends.

After a few weeks of receiving his daily text messages and me hoping for more, I finally flat out asked him if he would go out on a date with me. He politely turned me down. I was disappointed, but also relieved to at least have a concrete answer. In this same conversation, I apologized for flirting with him thinking that it probably had made him uncomfortable. He said, “no, I definitely hope that doesn’t stop”

Knowing that he was not interested in me but that he enjoyed my light flirty comments (by light, I mean a level 2 out of 10), I felt the freedom to increase the flirting level to a 5 out of 10. So now, instead of just complimenting him physically, I added a sexual desire component without being raunchy. This continued for a few more weeks. Still the flirting was one way traffic.

Then, one day, he flirts back! And not only that, but he escalates it by sending me a half nude picture! It caught me so by surprise that I started shaking with excitement. I told him that I was confused, that I didn’t think he was interested in me in “that way.” He said that he was attracted to me, but that he has a “policy” of not dating anyone from the tennis group.

Since then, for the past two months, the flirting is now two-ways and has progressed to video-cam sex twice a week… Our sexual interaction is exclusively virtual. When we see each other in person on the tennis courts, we’re just friends. No one in our group knows we have this virtual side thing going. He keeps saying that “soon” we will have actual sex. However his reasons are pretty flimsy as to why it hasn’t happened yet, so I assume he probably just doesn’t want to take it to that level. Yet every time I think we have reached the limit of how far this is going to go, he eventually pushes it to the next level. It’s just been such a f…n long, slow process… Ugh!

Is he just playing control games? Or is he the type of person that just takes a long time to develop a relationship? Seems that every time I try to define the relationship, I get turned down, but yet things do seem to be progressing, which leaves me confused because I want a “normal” relationship – and this feels more like a game, which granted I have been a willing participant.

Meanwhile, I keep meeting other people on dating apps, hoping to find someone that wants to date me as much as I want to date them. But no luck yet.

Do I do nothing and continue allowing him to dictate the pace and depth of the relationship? Or is there a level of toxicity already that makes it hopeless to expect it to ever be healthy and I should instead just end this now? Or is there a compromise solution that you see?

Ready Player Two

[Read more…]

Did Too Much Porn Give Him Erectile Dysfunction?

September 22, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

I know your stance on porn already, but I was hoping to take it a step further and ask what you think about porn-induced erectile dysfunction (PIED)

Recently I was with my girlfriend getting intimate, and when it came time to do the deed my little friend became my little enemy. Our relationship is close enough where we brushed past the awkwardness, but I still went searching to find out if that’s something that was likely nerves or something deeper.

What I stumbled across was people talking about PIED, and the debate on whether or not it exists. I myself have been playing whack-a-mole for far too long, and the fact that I have a girlfriend meant that making the choice to kick the habit was a no-brainer for me. But reading through the champion subreddit for it r/NoFap I’m not sure what to believe about it.

I see people talking all the time about how the recovery process could take months or years. People swearing up and down that taking a shower while wearing your underwear (uh, gross) is the way to go, and questioning if seeing a Victoria’s Secret ad on TV broke their “streak”.

So how much of this is legitimate good advice and how much of this is self-fulfilling prophecy for them? Do you think the issue is just a matter of nervousness, or do you think the dopamine from too much masturbation really did rewire my brain?

Thanks for any insight you can give
-PIED in the face

[Read more…]

Why Is She Good Enough to Flirt With, But Not Good Enough to Date?

September 20, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi, Doc!

I (F, straight, cis, 29) am really fucking furious about something and I think I need a guy with lots of male-female insight to talk me off the ledge.

In a therapy session last night with my AMAZING sex therapist (whom I decided to start seeing a few months ago to work out some hangups I had about racial identity, body image, and sexuality), we sort of came to a bummer of a conclusion about a consistent dating hiccup I have.

Basically, I run into this problem where I’ll meet a guy, we’ll be flirty and friendly and I think maybe it could go somewhere, and then as soon as I make any sort of half-move beyond benign flirtation, he backs off with lightning speed. It’s really uncanny. And very disappointing and frustrating.

After recounting my most recent experience with this behavior and explaining how insane it is that this keeps happening and how it’s really starting to weigh on me, I wondered aloud if it could have anything to do with the fact that many of the guys in my social circles are White and I’m Black (biracial, actually), and on top of that, I’m fat (actually the national average, but that’s considered fat by cultural standards). I posited that these guys don’t even see me as a viable romantic option at all, just a “non-threatening” female that they can get something from without putting in any effort themselves–someone they don’t have to try with. Considering some of my male “friends” (I use the term loosely because of what I’m about to explain) are actually in relationships or married and still flirt with me and conveniently omit any mention of their partners when we spend time together (always platonically; I would never start something with a guy in a relationship), this seems like it could definitely be the reason. Their partners, if they did find out how these men talk to me (definitely in a way they wouldn’t interact with male friends), probably wouldn’t like it if I were a conventionally attractive White woman, but because I look the way I look they deem their flirtation harmless and safe.

I should also say that it’s not particularly difficult to find men who want to have sex with me, but as soon as anything more than that is on the table they put their hands up and back away like I might permanently injure them. Anyway, my therapist, who is also a Black woman, agreed that all of the above is totally a realistic possibility. I think hearing that from someone who looks like me, and not just a platitude of “No, you’re amazing, any guy would be lucky to have you, I honestly don’t understand why guys aren’t tripping over themselves and each other to get to you” (which I hear a lot from my female friends who don’t looks like me), was simultaneously refreshing and very depressing.

The thing is, there’s a PERSON on the other end of that flirtation. I think I’m pretty good at discerning the difference between casual flirting and something more pointed, and the times I’ve tried to nudge things in a more romantic direction have been the latter. I don’t think I’m hopeless at reading cues. These guys like getting attention from me and seem to enjoy my company. Until I indicate that I might actually want something from them, and then they WITHOUT FAIL gaslight me into thinking there was absolutely no flirtation or intent on their end. (I should say that the gaslighting happens when I call them out on it, which I don’t do often because every time I have I get the exact same shady-ass response. And, by the way, I have witnesses who attest to these guys’ flirtatious behavior.)

I hope what I’ve outlined so far is comprehensible. I’m clearly a ball of angry, anxious, sad, lonely energy. I don’t even know if I have a question, but I’d love to hear your take on why men do this and whether you think I’m totally crazy for being so fucking over it all. I’m so sick of being treated like my feelings don’t matter, and then being told that the things I’m feeling were based on nothing to begin with. I’m a writer by profession, so maybe I just need to write a book about this or something so people will believe me and maybe even start holding men more accountable. I don’t know. I feel like my anger about this is making me bitter and less open to the men who I’m sure do exist out there who would be open to–or even thrilled!–to date me. I don’t want to close myself off to them, but experiencing this same exciting-then-ultimately-disappointing interaction over and over is really starting to break me.

Thanks in advance,
Black Ladies Have Feelings Too

P.S. My amazing sex therapist also brought up the good point that it would be worth expanding my social circles, and I agree. That said, I’m stuck in my city for work and obviously the pandemic has put a damper on major socializing efforts. I do have a very diverse group of friends, but our industry is pretty overwhelmingly White and image-conscious. (Can you guess which industry I’m talking about?) I also don’t date using apps anymore because I have done that a TON in the past and I’m burnt out; plus, they’re super racist and that makes me feel very icky and I’m allowed to choose to avoid situations that make me feel that way.

[Read more…]

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About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

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