Archives for October 2021

How Do I Stop Being Angry About My Relationships?

October 29, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

So long story short I am a single guy approaching 30, never been in a relationship and only went out like 2 dates in my entire life. This all boils down to this major issue.

Basically my brother has been in a toxic relationship for as long as I can remember and this relationship has left scars on my self esteem. He is 35 years old, he has been with her since he was 18 years old and she was 14 years old at the time {they are married now with a daughter of 6 months). His wife is a gold digging materialistic manipulator, has never worked a job for more than a couple of months and constantly picks arguments with my parents over bullshit issues. She always requests either myself or my parents to do favours for her and then she literally kicks our asses to the curb afterwards (and my brother does not utter a word of protest that his family members are being treated like dog shit). My brother spent Euro 80,000 on their wedding without her paying a single fucking dime and she only found a job recently so that ” my brother will shut the fuck up about their depleted finances already”.

The issue here is that all my life I have been struggling to try and find a partner and settle down because this always keeps cropping up in my mind… I don’t want to end up like my brother. Mind you my parents constantly keep reminding me to not let this situation effect my opinions on relationships and women because there are awesome women out there who are career oriented and just want a loving partner to come home to.

And also another thing I have been getting into the habit where whenever I start thinking about relationships and women, I start to get really pissed off, angry and frustrated and that having a relationship will set me back in my life. Part of me says its all in my head and that I am overthinking this however I still fall back in the cycle of negativity and bad thoughts.

Any ideas on how to fix this please? I am going to admit, I might be wrong and the above scenario has nothing to do with me however I appreciate a second pair of eyes on this.

Thanks for your help.

Anger Issues

[Read more…]

How to Be Someone People Love To Talk To

October 27, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

We talk a lot about the importance of developing your social skills. However, one of the mistakes I see people make over and over again is how often they focus on the flashier skills; the ones that seem bigger or more impressive. People will, for example, get hung up on all the possible ways of approaching someone at a bar, or in the street or at a coffeeshop. But while those skills seem impressive, they’re actually far less important than people realize.

In fact, people get so focused on the flash that they neglect one of the most undervalued social skills imaginable: being a good conversationalist.

No. Seriously. While making approaches or taking people home gets all the attention, being a sterling conversationalist is what makes everything work. What do you think happens after you make the approach? What do you do to get them to want to stick around? The men who do the best with women are men who people love to talk to. If you don’t know how to engage someone intellectually and emotionally, you’re not going to engage with them physically either.

After all, almost every woman alive has been on dates with dudes who spend the entire time talking at them, not with them. Worse, they tend to run into the ones who only want to talk about themselves and never show the slightest interest in their dates.

Side view portrait of laughing Asian couple enjoying date in cafe — Look, if you want to get in her bed, get in her head first.

The truth is that good conversation is a powerful tool. Most of my jobs and my relationships have come about because I’ve had a great time talking with people I’ve just met. A good friend of mine would fall in love with someone specifically because she had amazing conversations with them. Being able to connect with folks on an intimate and intense level is an invaluable skill to have.

Whether you’re networking, making friends or looking for love, being a great conversationalist is a skill you can’t afford to neglect. So let’s talk about what makes you someone people love to talk to.

[Read more…]

Am I Dating The Wrong People?

October 25, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Doctor:

I (28M) wonder how I can stop second guessing myself in dating. Everything seems to be going right. Yet, I wonder: is it? When do I know that I’ve become successful at dating?

As background, I’ve only been dating for a year, when, after the pandemic, I started thinking, “maybe I should find a wife.” Since then, I’ve had a lot of first dates and some second ones. I’ve never been in a relationship and never had a girlfriend.

I took that internet test that uses personality to predict gender and, based on my answers, it predicted that I have a 98 percent chance of being a woman. While I’m secure in my manhood, I think that does sum up who I am as a person. I have a lot of stereotypically feminine traits. And when I read advice blogs, I’m almost always taking the (typical) woman’s perspective. So, my approach to dating seems, from what I read, like a typical woman’s.

And I only ever date exactly one kind of woman: shy, religious, nerdy, practical ones. Around my age. Who all look somewhat similar. I simply am incapable of dating anyone else. Everything about how I date attracts this kind of woman: how I talk, what I talk about, who I am, everything. I’m somehow very good at attracting this particular kind of woman and no other kinds.

So, every woman who I have a conversation with on a dating app is like that. Even if it’s not obvious from their profile. Every woman who I am interested in in real-life is like that. I’ve only been on multiple dates with about five women in my life, and they were (almost) all like that.

Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to meet a woman at a bar. Except I never go to bars. And I never drink. I just think maybe this is my last moment to potentially become an “exciting, cool person.” And while I know it’s bad to date someone just because they will improve who you are. I sort of feel like if only I dated someone “cool and exciting”, maybe I could become that way. And I would have lots of fun.

Or if I date my type, maybe I’ll lose some essential part of myself, like I’ll switch from being an extrovert to being an introvert. Or something else bad, given I’ve never had a girlfriend, I would not know.

I did date exactly one woman who was different from my type, ever so slightly. She was very extroverted and had a chaotic energy. That ended after two dates. I felt super anxious when dating her. I suppose I didn’t really feel like we had much going for us. And maybe it was a self-fulfilling prophecy. She said we didn’t have chemistry after two dates.

And right now, I’ve been on multiple dates with a woman who’s exactly my type. And more or less, exactly like everyone I date. We’re taking our relationship very slowly. I don’t feel that anxious. Yet, I don’t feel that excited either. Maybe I just need to wait a month or so for “new relationship energy.” I simply wonder if I actually like her or I just like her, because of who she is, that she has all the attributes of my type (for example, she reads a lot, she plays board games).

How do I know if I actually want to be in a relationship with a woman who’s my type? How do I know if me and women of this type would actually make for a good relationship? Or how do I know if I simply am physically and emotionally incapable of dating anyone else?

Sincerely,

Confused+

[Read more…]

How Do I Date When I’m Not Attracted To Other People?

October 22, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Dr. NerdLove,
I’m currently struggling with dating (who would have thought) and specifically with how i could meet someone that I can form a romantic connection with.

I’m a 24 Year old Dude, never been in a relationship, never been on a date, helpless as to why I’ve only ever gotten negative response, blabla, millions of words of advice on your site and others. What I think makes my case a bit weird is that I take a very long time to become attracted to someone. I need to know the person first, and then I could maybe think about romantic attraction.

So far, when looking at dating advice the main thing seems to be “be upfront and immediately communicate what you want” as well as “just be yourself, do your thing, and you will meet someone”. Both of which don’t work for me. I can’t immediately communicate, because I honestly don’t know at that point, and being myself over the last years has proven to not work. I have a lot of very sweet, very nice friends who are women that I wouldn’t want to be without, but that the lack of having a girlfriend is starting to become more of a problem for me over time.

I’ve asked women out occasionally, asked someone to dance in a club, tried online dating because the intentions are clearer when you meet through a dedicated meetup-space. Things like sports clubs and common interests or common friend groups also have not led to any success so far. (that is: success in terms of finding dates).

My question boils down to: how do I meet women to be potentially attracted to if I am slow to be attracted and unlucky in my usual social circles?

Thanks for providing so much insight, hope to hear from you,

Slow Ride

[Read more…]

Did I Ruin My Best Friend’s Relationship?

October 20, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I need help with a tricky situation.

We’re going to call my best friend Noel. Noel is a heterosexual woman, and I’m a heterosexual man, and we’re roommates. People think we’re a couple, and they have good reason to. We do everything together–dinner every night, coffee in the morning, tennis lessons, walking a mile to the Post Office whenever one of us needs to mail a package, etc. We have made plans for our future together. Whenever I see a Tumblr post about how friendships should be assigned as much value as romantic relationships, I feel like they’re talking about us.

You’re probably thinking this is the part where I want to confess my love to her, but nothing could be further from the truth. I have no feelings for her whatsoever. We click alarmingly well, we share a sense of humor and two cats, and she’s really cute, but I don’t get butterflies in my stomach whenever I see her or anything like that. I doubt she’s into me either (I’m not her type, and I’m a lot older than her).

She doesn’t have relationships with men that last longer than a night, and even those went away with the threat of COVID-19, but she did try about a year ago. This guy really did not like me. He was nothing short of cordial to me, but you can just tell. I tried to be social and engaging whenever he came around (which is especially hard when you’re a four-alarm introvert like I am), and I did find him interesting. The reason their relationship ended was because she had no time for him; meanwhile she had time to hang out and watch movies with me or for us to go on long walks or visit friends in a neighboring city.

Did they break up because of me? Probably not—she had set boundaries, and he crossed them too many times. But I will bet money that I did not help. I know she wants to get married and maybe have kids. And I fear that she will never get there if I’m in the picture. I mentioned her recent ex to a friend of mine, who stated that if she were dating me, Noel would absolutely be a problem. And now that she’s started dating again, where does that leave me? I’m not concerned that she won’t prioritize me anymore if she finds a guy who works, I’m worried that she will.

tl;dr: I’m worried that I’m going to make someone jealous and interfere with my best friend’s love life. I’m worried that the nature of our relationship will be discouraging to men she might be interested in. On the other side of that, I’m worried that, if she does find what she’s looking for, I won’t have a best friend anymore, and since I’m not interested in looking for romance, I’ll be alone.

Tell me, Doc, is it serious? Am I sitting around and freaking out over a problem that isn’t there? Is this relationship only fulfilling a need that she’d rather have fulfilled with someone she can have naked sweaty times with? Or will we remain besties until the end of time? Tell me I’m overthinking this, please. Thank you.

BFF

[Read more…]