Archives for December 2021

Hi Doc,

I’ve been reading your column for many years and found that thinking of what advice would I give first and then comparing it with your answer is a great way to gradually calibrate my views about relationships. So I figured I would ask for your holy Chair Leg now since I have no idea what advice to give myself (or rather – I do, but all of it sounds dumb to me and I suspect I am deceiving myself in some ways).

For the context, I am a 27y old hetero guy and I’ve had some struggles with dating due to shyness and inexperience, but have since gone through several pretty good relationships which ended for just not being that compatible. I always knew that I am seeking someone for a lifelong committed relationship, someone with who I could one day become awesome parents.

It has now been more than 3 years since I started dating the girl of my dreams (I had had a crush on her for more than a year before that, discovered she had started dating my friend instead, tried to forget about her, met her many months after, learned she was single again and that she obviously wanted me too), let’s call her R. She is smart, fun and cute, we are both geeks and hikers and love each other profoundly. At first, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to ever have kids but has since told me she wants them one day if it’s with me. Our relationship was always pretty smooth and without fights or drama, even after we moved together with my friends as our flatmates – R became great friends with them too. And the relationship is still mostly great, except maybe for falling a bit into a routine recently, which is something we know about and I believe is very solvable if we put the effort into doing new things together and having deep talks more often.

As you might expect, there is a But. And it’s another girl, my long-time friend B.

B is a member of our team of volunteers who are also my main group of friends, a second family so to say. I will call them the Crew. I’ve known B since she was a kid and was always fond of her, but no romantic thoughts had crossed my mind due to our age difference (she is 9 years younger). Recently, however, something changed – she is an adult now, very mature and responsible in (some) ways, and we started working and hanging out together more often (mostly with other people of the Crew too, not alone). I also ended up becoming one of B’s people to talk to about her family crisis and other issues, so we got to know each other much more.

And this summer, I realized I have gradually developed a huuuuge crush on B – I am not only extremely attracted to her and fantasize about her a lot, but I also deeply care about her, have fun talking with her and she inspires me by always caring for others and facing her own fears and issues. She’s also awesome with kids. I can’t stop thinking about her and am grateful for every moment I can spend with her.

I didn’t want to ruin my great relationship with R, so I told myself that my feelings for B are just an unfortunate crush that should fade away if I focus on me and R. It sounded like a wise plan.

But hell, this plan is failing catastrophically! It has now been around six months and my crush on B got much much more intense instead of fading away. I think about her and my situation almost constantly now, longing for B, feeling guilty that I do it, feeling helpless, wondering if a relationship with B could have potential, running in circles around my head. Sometimes I can’t sleep for hours and this state is also hurting my relationship with R because I am distracted and feel that keeping this secret struggle from her is slowly pulling us apart…

I just wish I could split up into two parallel worlds – one where I stay with R and a second where I break up with her and try it with B – and see where both options lead to be able to decide. I think I love both of them in some way and I don’t see a good way out of this.

It sounds ridiculous to risk or throw away the great and tested relationship with R for an unsure quantum field of possible outcomes with B. I don’t even know if she would want me, because I didn’t want to cross any lines when I have a girlfriend. I only know that B likes me at least as a good friend and is maybe a bit more casually touchy with me than others. But hell, even if she is attracted to me, she hasn’t probably considered me as an option because of our age difference and me being with R, plus she has never dated anyone, so she might be very insecure about it. And even if she wanted me and we actually started something, who knows if it lasts when it’s her first relationship…

But as ridiculous as that might be, I am just unable to let B go. I know the crush would fade with time if I stopped seeing her, but that would mean cutting myself off from the Crew and frankly, I just don’t wanna do it. I think I will be pretty okay if I find out that B doesn’t want me, but if I could have only one of the girls in my life, I am afraid I would choose B and the Crew.

So now I got to the point where I think my only option is to sincerely tell R about my crush on B and my whole struggle because keeping it a secret is slowly destroying our relationship and myself. I am not sure how she would respond, but I would then suggest we take a break because I am unable to be with her fully until I explore the option with B and find out what I really want. If me and R split, I would tell B that I like her in this way and ask if she would like to go on something explicitly date-y with me to explore if there is some potential between her and me, assuring her that it’s completely alright if she says no.

But although I couldn’t come up with anything better to do, this still feels pretty unpractical and scary for a lot of reasons – It could hurt R for a long time… I could lose R just to hear “No” from B… R and I live together… We have common friends and plans… R and B know and like each other and this would definitely change that somehow… The information could leak through the Crew to B before I ask her myself.. – for all those reasons, I keep postponing for now.

Please tell me Doc – am I missing something or is this dumb Plan B the smartest thing I could do? Thanks for doing all this,

– Need A Parallel Universe

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