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Archives for December 2021

Do I Have To Choose Between Love and Good Sex?

December 31, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doctor,

Recently, I’ve be doing a lot of self reflection and realized one big issue I deal with is loneliness. However, another thing I’ve come to question is my use of porn and my consumption of porn, especially my use of hard-core material. I’ve come to realise I feel unable to consume “regular” or just softcore porn as it can be called. One of the issues is that when I do, it makes me feel lonely it feels like I can’t watch it because I guess with anything a bit more “hardcore” there is some sort of disassociation from it.

I wouldn’t say I have a huge issue with porn; sometimes I can consume too much but when I go days or weeks without it and eventually relapse. I’m still unable to watch something less hardcore because my loneliness can at times feel crippling. I want to view less porn in general or at least things that are not as hardcore and unrealistic as I do enjoy softcore but feel unable to consume any form of it. 

I think the issue is made worse by the fact I’m a 28 year old virgin, and watching things where it’s a bit more passionate and loving etc makes me feel like I’m missing out or have missed out, and always will so I chose to watch something more hard-core that I can do what’s needed and leave behind without feeling “I missed out on that and would love to have it”. Maybe I’m rationalising my consumption of porn and more hardcore versions of it; I’ve just come to realise where my loneliness can lead me and how it can effect my behaviour .

Any advice on how to deal with my consumption of more hardcore material while trying to deal with loneliness and navigating dating and my virginity at a older age.

Red Showtime Diaries 

[Read more…]

Should I Leave My Girlfriend To Pursue My Crush?

December 29, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

I’ve been reading your column for many years and found that thinking of what advice would I give first and then comparing it with your answer is a great way to gradually calibrate my views about relationships. So I figured I would ask for your holy Chair Leg now since I have no idea what advice to give myself (or rather – I do, but all of it sounds dumb to me and I suspect I am deceiving myself in some ways).

For the context, I am a 27y old hetero guy and I’ve had some struggles with dating due to shyness and inexperience, but have since gone through several pretty good relationships which ended for just not being that compatible. I always knew that I am seeking someone for a lifelong committed relationship, someone with who I could one day become awesome parents.

It has now been more than 3 years since I started dating the girl of my dreams (I had had a crush on her for more than a year before that, discovered she had started dating my friend instead, tried to forget about her, met her many months after, learned she was single again and that she obviously wanted me too), let’s call her R. She is smart, fun and cute, we are both geeks and hikers and love each other profoundly. At first, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to ever have kids but has since told me she wants them one day if it’s with me. Our relationship was always pretty smooth and without fights or drama, even after we moved together with my friends as our flatmates – R became great friends with them too. And the relationship is still mostly great, except maybe for falling a bit into a routine recently, which is something we know about and I believe is very solvable if we put the effort into doing new things together and having deep talks more often.

As you might expect, there is a But. And it’s another girl, my long-time friend B.

B is a member of our team of volunteers who are also my main group of friends, a second family so to say. I will call them the Crew. I’ve known B since she was a kid and was always fond of her, but no romantic thoughts had crossed my mind due to our age difference (she is 9 years younger). Recently, however, something changed – she is an adult now, very mature and responsible in (some) ways, and we started working and hanging out together more often (mostly with other people of the Crew too, not alone). I also ended up becoming one of B’s people to talk to about her family crisis and other issues, so we got to know each other much more.

And this summer, I realized I have gradually developed a huuuuge crush on B – I am not only extremely attracted to her and fantasize about her a lot, but I also deeply care about her, have fun talking with her and she inspires me by always caring for others and facing her own fears and issues. She’s also awesome with kids. I can’t stop thinking about her and am grateful for every moment I can spend with her.

I didn’t want to ruin my great relationship with R, so I told myself that my feelings for B are just an unfortunate crush that should fade away if I focus on me and R. It sounded like a wise plan.

But hell, this plan is failing catastrophically! It has now been around six months and my crush on B got much much more intense instead of fading away. I think about her and my situation almost constantly now, longing for B, feeling guilty that I do it, feeling helpless, wondering if a relationship with B could have potential, running in circles around my head. Sometimes I can’t sleep for hours and this state is also hurting my relationship with R because I am distracted and feel that keeping this secret struggle from her is slowly pulling us apart…

I just wish I could split up into two parallel worlds – one where I stay with R and a second where I break up with her and try it with B – and see where both options lead to be able to decide. I think I love both of them in some way and I don’t see a good way out of this.

It sounds ridiculous to risk or throw away the great and tested relationship with R for an unsure quantum field of possible outcomes with B. I don’t even know if she would want me, because I didn’t want to cross any lines when I have a girlfriend. I only know that B likes me at least as a good friend and is maybe a bit more casually touchy with me than others. But hell, even if she is attracted to me, she hasn’t probably considered me as an option because of our age difference and me being with R, plus she has never dated anyone, so she might be very insecure about it. And even if she wanted me and we actually started something, who knows if it lasts when it’s her first relationship…

But as ridiculous as that might be, I am just unable to let B go. I know the crush would fade with time if I stopped seeing her, but that would mean cutting myself off from the Crew and frankly, I just don’t wanna do it. I think I will be pretty okay if I find out that B doesn’t want me, but if I could have only one of the girls in my life, I am afraid I would choose B and the Crew.

So now I got to the point where I think my only option is to sincerely tell R about my crush on B and my whole struggle because keeping it a secret is slowly destroying our relationship and myself. I am not sure how she would respond, but I would then suggest we take a break because I am unable to be with her fully until I explore the option with B and find out what I really want. If me and R split, I would tell B that I like her in this way and ask if she would like to go on something explicitly date-y with me to explore if there is some potential between her and me, assuring her that it’s completely alright if she says no.

But although I couldn’t come up with anything better to do, this still feels pretty unpractical and scary for a lot of reasons – It could hurt R for a long time… I could lose R just to hear “No” from B… R and I live together… We have common friends and plans… R and B know and like each other and this would definitely change that somehow… The information could leak through the Crew to B before I ask her myself.. – for all those reasons, I keep postponing for now.

Please tell me Doc – am I missing something or is this dumb Plan B the smartest thing I could do? Thanks for doing all this,

– Need A Parallel Universe

[Read more…]

What’s The Right Way To Ask Someone Out?

December 27, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Dr. NerdLove:

First of all, I’m really glad that I found you at a time when I decided to get out of my bubble and open myself to relationships and all other possibilities. I’m 22, and frankly, I haven’t dated before. I realize I was in a cocoon for so long, and I’m from a different culture altogether than the usual viewer here. Thinking of it, that’s not an excuse as to why I haven’t dated before. Let’s just say, I wasn’t in a right frame of mind, always inside my head, dealing with my own insecurities, needless to say, overthinking about things. Hey, that’s how I guess you set yourself to be in academia, overthinking.

Now to my question, I’m basically starting from scratch and would some of the things to be explicated. Actually, there’s this girl in my class with whom I hang out with sometime, and I don’t how should I go about asking her. Thing is, spending some time with her I have caught up some feelings, and I think I should put myself out there without any delay. Should I just say, “let’s grab a coffee yada yada yada”, or should I explicitly say that I want to take her out on a date. I don’t want to use the term “friendzone”, but I suspect that may be the case here. I mean when I want to ask her out, I want to let her know that this is for something romantic, and not the usual hang out. That’s the reason I asked whether or not I should use the word “date” explicitly.

Adding to this, I think I’m prepared to take a no for an answer too, so it’s not like I’d flake or anything. I mean, I’d be bit hurt if she says no, but that’s expected.

Second, I know you’ve written several articles, heck books on this, but I still want to ask “how do you avoid the Friend Zone“, but with a slightly variation. Suppose you meet someone or have a cool conversation with, or a cutie you’ve developed crush on and now that you’ve gone and talk to her, what should you do? Ask her for a date then and right there or just get her number and shoot off? And again, as with my previous question, when in fact you do ask her, should I you use the word “date” explicitly.

Sorry, if I’m being too blunt here, what do they say, brute force approach. I’m at a point zero with this thing, getting into it much later than many of my peers and I don’t know how should I approach it. There’s an element of regret on missing out and being uncool too. Like, hey sucker, look at those folks they’ve been banging out since teenage and here you’re at 22 having never been there. I don’t know how to deal this with feeling.

This is all I have to ask and say, I love what you’re doing and we very much need a positive and level headed presence like you in the internet.

Thanks

First Time Jitters

[Read more…]

Blast From The Past: A Holiday League Of Extremely Ordinary Gentlemen Special

December 22, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Here’s a nostalgia hit for my long, long-time readers: the LEOG Christmas Carol, with art by Nate Bliss and colors by Grant Davis. Can you identify all the League members and guests? Illustration from A Christmas Carol, featuring members of the League of Extremely Ordinary Gentlemen and regular guests as characters from the story. Dr. NerdLove is the Ghost of Christmas Present

Happy Holidays! No New Column This Week…

December 20, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey all, just a quick programming note: because of the holiday season, travel, etc. there won’t be a new column this week. I’ll rerun a couple of old favorites on Wednesday and Friday, and there’ll be a lighter schedule for the last week of the year. Normal service will resume January 3rd, 2021.

In the meantime, if you have questions about love, sex and dating that you want answered as we enter into a new year, be sure to send in your dating questions to the Ask Dr. NerdLove submission form. And from me to each and every one of you: have a happy and joyous holiday season and a happy new year!

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About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

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Recent Comments

  • Slowburn Appreciate the advice. I think the first one i've done as well, and it's been zero percent successful, so idk if i even want to try that. Second one sounds similar to what i'm doing atm. I think i...

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    My Boyfriend’s Kink Turns Me Off. What Do I Do? ·  June 27, 2022

  • Belinda " rare to find a FWB situation where it's all good vibes, everyone is above board, everyone is having a good time, etc.)." I agree. As I said, I can do a hook up or two with someone. But not...

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