Archives for January 2022

I’m Afraid I’ll Be Forever Alone… And It’s Not My Fault!

January 31, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello Sir

I want to preface this letter by saying that I don’t believe that I am “forever alone” because of my looks, height, or lack of social skills. I’m 6 “1” and I’ve been told by people that I’ve met that I am fairly handsome, and although I do have social anxiety and (mild) Asperger’s I believe that I can work on my social skills to become better at talking to people. No, my problem is that in a cruel twist of fate the ever evolving pandemic situation keeps getting in the way of my plans to be more social and join hobby/interest groups and meet other like-minded people. It seems like whenever I think the pandemic is over it always throws another obstacle in my way to prove me wrong, and I’m not sure what to do about it.

I’m 21 years old, a 3rd university student in the stage of life when I’m supposed to be dating and socialising with others as much as possible. Your teens and twenties are the time when you’re supposed to be discovering your adult identity, a time to explore your interests and identity with other young like minded people. People meet their best friends and lifelong romantic partners in university because it is one of the only places where young adults can easily meet and date each other outside of online dating. After university most people are paired off with their lifelong romantic partner and friends are much harder. I don’t make friends easily, which is why I worry what will happen if I graduate without any substantial social interactions with others.

The thing is that I’m living at home with my parents even as I’m studying, a living arrangement that screams “basement dwelling loser”! I study a lot but otherwise I’ve reverted back to the age of 13, since my parents do most of the housework like vacuuming, cooking, and yardwork. I don’t have a part time job yet even though I’ve applied to a few job listings and really want a job. Since I’m immunocompromised I’ve had all 3 of my COVID shots as well.

My 1st (pre pandemic) university year didn’t go well because at the time I was engulfed in self loathing and tried to be someone I was not (I put on a fake British accent to impress others even though I’m Canadian born and raised). People understandably thought I was weird and that there was something wrong with me, and I ruined what could have been great platonic relationships as a result. I want to go back to school in person as my confident true self so that people will know the true authentic me, not the weird fake persona I put on as a 1st year. I know that I can be confident, sociable, and likeable person if I want to be, since I have been quite sociable and confident in the past when I worked on a political campaign and when I joined my high school’s geography and ecology club. However I can’t go to school in person right now because of uncertainties over this new Omicron variant. COVID has given me a lot of insight into what went wrong during my 1st year, but I remain haunted by the memories of my cringy behaviour.

I know that I’m not entitled to love and friendship obviously, but I’m not sure what to do to improve my friendship and romantic prospects in the future since COVID pandemic keeps throwing obstacles at me. I want to stay alive and COVID free obviously but I’m worried that 10 years down the road the COVID pandemic will still be ongoing and I’ll forever be a single friendless loser rotting away in his parents basement.

Do you have any tips on how to improve my friendship and romantic prospects while the uncertainties caused by the pandemic are still ongoing?

Thank you
The former weirdo from uOttawa

[Read more…]

Help, My Ex Is Dating Someone Else and I Can’t Handle It

January 28, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Doc,

I recently got out of a three year relationship that was my longest so far. It wasn’t perfect and the breakup want pretty. There was a lot of toxicity between me and my ex and we were in two different places in life.

Since my ex moved out of my house. I’ve been trying my best to get over her. I have my life put together for the most part. I own my home, own my car, have a cat and a dog, go to meetups and have a small friend circle.

My problem is that I feel like I’m not enough. And the reason for that is because I snooped on my exes Twitter account. I realized she had a new partner. A masculine, attractive and hung guy (my ex is a SW with an OnlyFans). Somebody who I was the complete opposite of. I realize it’s wrong to obviously look at what I saw but I was curious. I immediately closed out the browser and went to the gym. I’ve been going to the gym since my breakup but after seeing who replaced me. I realized that I might not be able to match up with other men.

I’m 32. I have my life together. Except I can’t get women. I don’t have hookups because nobody wants to hookup with me. I never see women looking at me. I never make eye contact with them because they never look or notice me. I realize that I might not be able to measure up. Unless I keep working out to the point where I look so muscular that they’ll have to notice me. I realize it’s not healthy but after seeing my replacement, who supposedly also has a bunch of other women on side. Makes me believe that 80/20 rule might actually be a fact. If a guy like my ex’s new FWB has many women he’s sleeping with and I can’t even find someone new to even chat with me or match with me online. Then I honestly feel extremely hopeless and possibly doomed.

I’ve always struggled with women. Talking to them or even knowing if they’re interested. The only way I’ve dated was with dating apps and I’ve been trying since the breakup and I just simply haven’t gotten any matches. Except for bots and women selling services or their OnlyFans.

Honestly Doc, the best way I can describe myself is that I feel like a successful loser. I feel like if I can’t get women, can’t get laid despite being a single bachelor with no roommates, then I simply am just a loser. I hate the fact that it is a competition out there.

I try reading your blogs because you send out a form of positive reinforcement that other blogs don’t tend to do. I don’t follow the redpill or any PUA stuff but I do enjoy your blog posts. I try to stay positive and I try to keep to my routines. I really want someone to notice me and notice that I do have alot to offer but if I can’t stand out then they can’t even see me. I feel like telling myself everyday that I’m enough and that I’m great and just constant affirmations will slowly make me feel hopeless because no matter how much I try to reaffirm myself, at the end of the night. It’s still just me by myself in my house watching movies alone.

I don’t miss my ex. But I miss the feeling of someone being there, laughing and talking to someone. I miss that person being in my life everyday and falling asleep every night. And I hate that someone new gets to share that with her. I hate that someone new is someone that many women desire because it makes me feeling like I’m just not enough for the majority of women and I honestly just don’t know what to do.

Signed,
Hopelessly Hopeful

[Read more…]

How Do I Finally Break Out of My Shell Around Women?

January 26, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Dr. NerdLove,

I’ve stumbled across this site about a year ago and have really been reading and trying to take your advice in all kinds of areas of my life. I have always been fearful of showing my vulnerability to people and it even lead to issues with some of my ex-girlfriends. I have for the past few years been improving on and genuinely showing myself off to people. The reason I did this was because I tend to have a lot of people who end up letting their guard down with me very easily and telling me about their mental health struggles such as depression, suicidal thoughts or attempts, cutting themselves, abuse, etc and they find I’m a very easy and caring person to talk to about this. I didn’t want to feel like burdening people who may have those issues with problems going on in my own life that felt minuscule in comparison, so I hid it. It was unhealthy I admit, but I was doing it for what I thought was for the benefit of someone who was suffering in my eyes. These days although I am still someone who hears this kind of stuff, I have made it more of a mission to be more active in saying how I really feel when asked rather than always replying “I’m fine.”

My problem I still have yet to fully overcome, however, is really expressing attraction to people I actually would like to have sex with. Granted, women (and men) have told me that I am quite attractive and I have for years even had women chase after me to either become a boyfriend or do sexual activities with me, but I was always someone who was just passive with it all. I’ve had a total of 5 relationships so far and all of them were initiated by the women asking me out. I lost my virginity only a few months ago and it was due to me striking up a conversation with a women who sat by me in a bar and she slid over her number after the conversation to which I followed up on and had sex which she said I was an enjoyable partner. For reference, I am 23 now.

I keep thinking in the back of my mind that being too forward about maybe getting a Friends with Benefit situation or even a one-night stand to be inappropriate (despite the fact I know women are also sexual beings). Thus, I feel like I have to always be super respectful in that category, which leads to me being really slow to initiate things sexually, even though I am confident in expressing interest in general attraction more generally although again in a passive manner.

So I want to ask, what can I do to become more confident in being active in my flirting and being comfortable just trying to get sexual relationships without much else attached? I don’t just want to keep being the passive guy who although can occasionally get females interested. I largely just never go after who I want due to my own insecurities about the man I’m trying to be.

Holding Back

[Read more…]

We Broke Up. Why Is He Still Texting Me?

January 24, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. Nerdlove,
What a bizarre few years it has been!

I was firstly introduced to your page by my (now) ex partner. We’ve been broken up for almost three years and let’s face it, I thought he was the one. Clearly he wasn’t.

I’ll never be sure if he cheated on me. But hey, he said he didn’t, so I should believe him, right? I know that people will read this and think ‘they’ve been broken up for almost three years, give it a break’. But really, I don’t even know if I’m overthinking and over analysing this situation. Ultimately, I trust you (a complete stranger who I coincidentally was introduced to by my ex) to answer my question because it continues to plague me.

My ex every so often will ‘check in with me.’ I’ve never had this happen before and I’m racking my brain trying to understand why. I deleted his number well over 6 months ago and left it at that. Christmas Eve comes knocking and lo and behold, a strange number texts me out of the blue. I curiously open the text to a Merry Christmas message asking how I’m doing and the phrase ‘I didn’t want to bother you on Christmas day, but just wanted to check in.’ What does that even mean? We’ve been broken up for awhile now, it really wasn’t all that amicable (as he claims). I just wanted him out of my life and for me to try and move on. Clearly it’s taken awhile.

Long story cut short-we began texting back and forth and he told me one night be still has memories…memories of us (especially having sex). He drove past a particular place and brought this memory up in a message to me and asked if I still had memories as well. I don’t. I didn’t. Until now.

I just want to move on and stop over analysing this mindfu** of a situation.

Is he messing around with me by ‘checking in?’ Also, what’s with the memories message? Nothing about him makes sense anymore and truth be told, I only just finally started to properly move on before he’s reappeared back on my life.

Please help.

Lost Memories

[Read more…]

How Do I Get Over My Fear of Women?

January 21, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello Doc,

I’ve been struggling for over a decade to express my interest and sexual desire to women in any meaningful way. When opportunity is there, I instinctively disengage and mentally collapse inward. I become physically anxious and upset, even while my thoughts are calm or elsewhere altogether. Call it shyness, call it social anxiety, I call it self-sabotage.

Living like this for my entire adult life (currently 30) has left me with what I can only describe as a voice in my head that routinely speaks up with the facade of caring, concerned protection. But what it says is less than helpful with commentary like:

“You shouldn’t talk to her”
“You’re here to (#activity), not talk to people”
“You don’t need this anxiety/stress”
“It’s better to be lonely than stressed and anxious being with her”
“This (flirting) isn’t you”
“This (love) isn’t for you”

This endless and repetitive chatter has me locked in place. I try to put myself in as many situations as possible where it’s socially acceptable and expected to at the very least mingle with people (taking dance and yoga classes, going out with friends and coworkers for drinks, to name a few examples). But I always lock up. My mind goes blank or I focus on anything else and keep things platonic. Or worse, I don’t engage at all. Occasionally I’ve even given myself a good old fashion panic attack, simply by thinking about approaching the girl and asking her out. In my day to day life I often don’t even make eye contact with women, instinctively getting tunnel vision and going along with my day like they’re not even there. I easily talk myself out of being more adventurous, always relying on others to initiate activities or conversations. Weekends are often spent alone because I cannot motivate myself to go out and explore, be social.

From digging deep with my therapist, I’ve determined I hold a strong fear of both rejection, and attraction, caused by the betrayal of a friendship in my early childhood which established the core belief that no one can be completely trusted. This birthed the “helping” voice in my head that tells me I shouldn’t open up more to anyone, I shouldn’t express myself, and I cannot be completely comfortable with anyone.

So the question then is how do I break the fear of attraction? How do I learn to express myself freely, express my sexuality, and embrace attraction and compassion from others instead of avoiding it?

Thanks for your time.

Panic Button

[Read more…]