Archives for January 2022

How Do I Finally Break Out of My Shell Around Women?

January 26, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Dr. NerdLove,

I’ve stumbled across this site about a year ago and have really been reading and trying to take your advice in all kinds of areas of my life. I have always been fearful of showing my vulnerability to people and it even lead to issues with some of my ex-girlfriends. I have for the past few years been improving on and genuinely showing myself off to people. The reason I did this was because I tend to have a lot of people who end up letting their guard down with me very easily and telling me about their mental health struggles such as depression, suicidal thoughts or attempts, cutting themselves, abuse, etc and they find I’m a very easy and caring person to talk to about this. I didn’t want to feel like burdening people who may have those issues with problems going on in my own life that felt minuscule in comparison, so I hid it. It was unhealthy I admit, but I was doing it for what I thought was for the benefit of someone who was suffering in my eyes. These days although I am still someone who hears this kind of stuff, I have made it more of a mission to be more active in saying how I really feel when asked rather than always replying “I’m fine.”

My problem I still have yet to fully overcome, however, is really expressing attraction to people I actually would like to have sex with. Granted, women (and men) have told me that I am quite attractive and I have for years even had women chase after me to either become a boyfriend or do sexual activities with me, but I was always someone who was just passive with it all. I’ve had a total of 5 relationships so far and all of them were initiated by the women asking me out. I lost my virginity only a few months ago and it was due to me striking up a conversation with a women who sat by me in a bar and she slid over her number after the conversation to which I followed up on and had sex which she said I was an enjoyable partner. For reference, I am 23 now.

I keep thinking in the back of my mind that being too forward about maybe getting a Friends with Benefit situation or even a one-night stand to be inappropriate (despite the fact I know women are also sexual beings). Thus, I feel like I have to always be super respectful in that category, which leads to me being really slow to initiate things sexually, even though I am confident in expressing interest in general attraction more generally although again in a passive manner.

So I want to ask, what can I do to become more confident in being active in my flirting and being comfortable just trying to get sexual relationships without much else attached? I don’t just want to keep being the passive guy who although can occasionally get females interested. I largely just never go after who I want due to my own insecurities about the man I’m trying to be.

Holding Back

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We Broke Up. Why Is He Still Texting Me?

January 24, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. Nerdlove,
What a bizarre few years it has been!

I was firstly introduced to your page by my (now) ex partner. We’ve been broken up for almost three years and let’s face it, I thought he was the one. Clearly he wasn’t.

I’ll never be sure if he cheated on me. But hey, he said he didn’t, so I should believe him, right? I know that people will read this and think ‘they’ve been broken up for almost three years, give it a break’. But really, I don’t even know if I’m overthinking and over analysing this situation. Ultimately, I trust you (a complete stranger who I coincidentally was introduced to by my ex) to answer my question because it continues to plague me.

My ex every so often will ‘check in with me.’ I’ve never had this happen before and I’m racking my brain trying to understand why. I deleted his number well over 6 months ago and left it at that. Christmas Eve comes knocking and lo and behold, a strange number texts me out of the blue. I curiously open the text to a Merry Christmas message asking how I’m doing and the phrase ‘I didn’t want to bother you on Christmas day, but just wanted to check in.’ What does that even mean? We’ve been broken up for awhile now, it really wasn’t all that amicable (as he claims). I just wanted him out of my life and for me to try and move on. Clearly it’s taken awhile.

Long story cut short-we began texting back and forth and he told me one night be still has memories…memories of us (especially having sex). He drove past a particular place and brought this memory up in a message to me and asked if I still had memories as well. I don’t. I didn’t. Until now.

I just want to move on and stop over analysing this mindfu** of a situation.

Is he messing around with me by ‘checking in?’ Also, what’s with the memories message? Nothing about him makes sense anymore and truth be told, I only just finally started to properly move on before he’s reappeared back on my life.

Please help.

Lost Memories

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How Do I Get Over My Fear of Women?

January 21, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello Doc,

I’ve been struggling for over a decade to express my interest and sexual desire to women in any meaningful way. When opportunity is there, I instinctively disengage and mentally collapse inward. I become physically anxious and upset, even while my thoughts are calm or elsewhere altogether. Call it shyness, call it social anxiety, I call it self-sabotage.

Living like this for my entire adult life (currently 30) has left me with what I can only describe as a voice in my head that routinely speaks up with the facade of caring, concerned protection. But what it says is less than helpful with commentary like:

“You shouldn’t talk to her”
“You’re here to (#activity), not talk to people”
“You don’t need this anxiety/stress”
“It’s better to be lonely than stressed and anxious being with her”
“This (flirting) isn’t you”
“This (love) isn’t for you”

This endless and repetitive chatter has me locked in place. I try to put myself in as many situations as possible where it’s socially acceptable and expected to at the very least mingle with people (taking dance and yoga classes, going out with friends and coworkers for drinks, to name a few examples). But I always lock up. My mind goes blank or I focus on anything else and keep things platonic. Or worse, I don’t engage at all. Occasionally I’ve even given myself a good old fashion panic attack, simply by thinking about approaching the girl and asking her out. In my day to day life I often don’t even make eye contact with women, instinctively getting tunnel vision and going along with my day like they’re not even there. I easily talk myself out of being more adventurous, always relying on others to initiate activities or conversations. Weekends are often spent alone because I cannot motivate myself to go out and explore, be social.

From digging deep with my therapist, I’ve determined I hold a strong fear of both rejection, and attraction, caused by the betrayal of a friendship in my early childhood which established the core belief that no one can be completely trusted. This birthed the “helping” voice in my head that tells me I shouldn’t open up more to anyone, I shouldn’t express myself, and I cannot be completely comfortable with anyone.

So the question then is how do I break the fear of attraction? How do I learn to express myself freely, express my sexuality, and embrace attraction and compassion from others instead of avoiding it?

Thanks for your time.

Panic Button

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This Is How You Break Your Self-Limiting Beliefs

January 19, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

I want to talk to you for a moment about a client I had. He, like a lot of my coaching clients, wanted to know what it takes to be someone women want to date. This caught me off guard; this was a guy who had a lot going for him. He was tall, good looking and fun to talk to. And yet, he didn’t struggle with meeting women so much as failed to so much as look at them. Never mind striking out, the guy got the screaming abdabs just thinking about going up to the plate.

pitcher throwing a baseball at the camera — POV: You’re in a tortured metaphor for dating and your crush is about to send a 110 MPH fastball straight into your insecurities…

Once we identified just what he thought he was missing and who he wanted to date, I worked with him on a plan that would help get him closer to his goal. We talked about style and presentation, and about where he could go to meet the kind of women he was into. We came up with a plan of action to build out his social circle and start cultivating the lifestyle that would make it easier for him to effortlessly bring more women into his life. Once he was satisfied with his new strategy, we scheduled a follow-up session to discuss his progress and make adjustments as needed.

Well, the follow-up session came around and he had done… precisely none of the things we talked about. He tried. He planned to do it. But when it was time to quit talking and start walking, he choked. Couldn’t do it. Sometimes he got as far as walking up to someone and then either walked past, or just turned around and walked away without saying a word.

“Look… I’m just not one of the guys who can do that,” he told me. It was fine for him to imagine women liking him and wanting to date him. But as soon as he tried to actually talk to someone he liked, his anxiety would flair up and convince him that he wouldn’t be good enough. All of his good points didn’t matter; there would be too many other guys who had more. He failed before he even started — not because of anything he’d done, but because he couldn’t believe that he could ever be the kind of guy who could talk to women or who women liked. And so he “tried”, failed and took that as proof that he could ever succeed.

His story isn’t unique. Lots of men have convinced themselves that they’re doomed to failure, and that they could never be good enough. And while they may have different reasons why— wrong body, wrong height, too shy, too whatever — the real problem comes from within. To a man, they let their self-limiting beliefs run their lives. Rather than working on their social skills and building a great life, they convince themselves to not even bother trying.

Maybe that sounds like you. Maybe you’re frustrated at how little you believe that anyone could want you. How much better would your life be if you could shut up that voice that says “why bother, it’ll never work?” How much would your life change if you could let go of the negative beliefs that hold you back?

Hold onto that thought, because today, we’re going to talk about how to break those self-limiting beliefs and become the sexy bad-ass you were always meant to be.

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When Do You Tell A Woman You Like Her?

January 17, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc!

How do allosexual folks who relate to some elements of demisexuality date in an honest way without beating around the bush or waiting too long?

Without getting too lost in labels, I am 30 year old male on the neurodiverse spectrum (both ADHD and ASD) and I relate to labels such as demisexuality, non-monogamously wired (but not sure if polyamory specifically is right for me at this time in my life), somewhere on the queer spectrum but attracted to women and non-binary folks more on the femme side, and going through a lot of questions moving forward after the pandemic subsides again. I think both he/they pronouns feel comfortable because I have a lot of different traits that don’t fit neatly in the category of male gender.

I can be very attracted to folks within an eyeshot of first meeting them, or I can also develop attraction after getting to know someone as a friend over the course of months or a year or two. I read a lot of authenticity/honesty/vulnerability psychology and dating advice, and a lot of men’s coaches/counsellors, etc. seem to advocate for being completely honest about my attraction for someone upfront as soon as possible such that I demonstrate my honesty without being seen as someone fearful or distrustful, and to avoid the “Friend Zone” (which I am well educated and aware that the label is unhealthy and mired in entitlement or misunderstandings of how relationships work).

But the problem with all that advice is I’m not always sure when I’m comfortable expressing my sexual desire for someone, after weighing the details of who they are, whether I’m compatible in the ways I want to be with them, their emotional and communication receptiveness, or when they themselves are at the right time in their life to sexually or romantically connect. As an example, a friend that I met a few years ago who I was initially attracted to but in a relationship at the time is now going through a messy breakup and she has expressed lots of interest in spending time with me, inviting me to quarantine at her place or even live with her after moving to the new city she is now residing in, etc. Since she is going through a lot in life, I want to be a good and supportive friend who respects boundaries, while at the same time I am anxious about when to express how I feel towards her. I am afraid of whether she will be comfortable with how late I have introduced this vulnerability.

Anyhoo, I am also caught up in trying to find the right balance of figuring out what is my ADHD-related impulsivity/desire for novelty and what parts of my sexual connection are healthy or based on neediness or biological quirks that come with neurodiversity and having dopamine systems that function differently and etc., Adding the layer of RSD on top of that, I struggle with a lifetime of self-sabotage and internal dialogue that tells me “who am I to ask for what I want” or “get over it, stop wanting sex so much, move on with your life and be grateful you even have friends”. I don’t want to sexually connect with just anyone, I really want to prioritize meaningful and quality connections based on my values and etc. that include sex and fun.

Sincerely,
Rosemary Bush (my potential drag name that I have “claimed” if I ever explore that realm)

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