Archives for March 2022

Help, I Can’t Stop Freaking Out About My Partner’s Guy Friends!

March 30, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

I am just emailing a quick question to try and help myself get over my insecurities. My girlfriend is close with quite a few guys and plans to meet up one-on-one with them over the coming months, which I am obviously fine with she knew them before me and I am not going to control who she is meeting up with. However I have an irrational fear that she is, on one of these occasions, going to develop a crush on one of those guys because, even though she is in a relationship. I still feel like catching feelings for someone else is a distinct possibility, especially considering she used to like two of them.

I don’t exactly know how to get over this fear, but it makes both of us really dislike my insecure parts of our relationship because even though I try to communicate, she isn’t too competent at the reassurance I need. She doesn’t understand my point of view as seh trusts me whenever I am alone with a girl, which I am very rarely because I treat her how in theory I would want to be (she doesn’t tell me to not hang out alone with girls, its my choice I just do it out of respect that I would want the same in return even though there’s no expectation to get that).

How can I get over this, because it has led to one-too-many arguments when I an inept at communicating, resulting in it all going bad for a half-hour.

Half the time I realise how stupid I am and am fine. However, some of the time I get set off by how these guys act around her and seem to act, one slightly too touchy and considering she would be wearing short skirts tops it all off.

I am not about to control any aspect of her life, so I want her to do what she wants. I want to know how to deal with the consequences on my brain.

Any help would be greatly appreciated,

Feeling Worried

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He’s Polyamorous. I’m Not. Can We Make It Work?

March 28, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

I met someone new back in December after I had decided years ago that maybe dating wasn’t for me. When I least expected it, I felt sparks with a guy I chatted with at the park. He’s kind and reliable, incredibly funny, very straightforward and earnest. He works to understand my chronic illness in a way that no one else has, and has supported me through some pretty bad episodes of depression. When we’re together it feels re-energizing for both of us, when usually we find socializing with others to be a drain after a certain point. When I told him I was ace, we had long conversations about what we were comfortable with, and he has always made sure that I enjoy our experiences together – and they’re the best I’ve ever had! It’s been amazing, beyond what I thought possible for a relationship. He says it’s been the same for him, more than he had ever imagined.

There have been complicating factors – the biggest being that he signed a lease with his ex before they broke up, who has not accepted their breakup and cries and yells at him if he is seen with me out in public, or if I come up in conversation. Moving out is not an option unless it becomes more affordable, and he and I both want him to keep the peace, within reason. It’s stressful, but through open and honest communication we have an understanding: we’re going to wait to get serious until he has the time and literal space for a full, committed relationship. In the meantime, we still enjoy each other’s company and support each other through the life changes we’ve experienced over the past few months. It’s going very well except for the ex, so I can’t help but think about the future, when we hope to be in a serious, committed relationship.

The part I’m struggling with is that he’s poly, and I don’t think that I am, or ever will be; nor am I currently comfortable with the idea of him seeing other women (both of us are straight). He’s never experienced a poly relationship because his partners have never been okay with it. We’ve talked about this, and he has said that he could always be monogamous with me once we’re serious so that I’m happy. Doc, this guy has a history of putting up with shitty behaviour from the women he dates in order to make them happy. I love his kindness but I would never want to be another woman who takes advantage of it. I know how great he is, and I know that he could find amazing polyamorous women out there – and I think he deserves that! I want him to live his life authentically, and be happy. But he’s been such an incredible part of my life these past few months – how do I give that up?

As we approach his move-out date, this question will no doubt come up again. Is it fair for me to ask him for monogamy? He’s offered, but he has a habit of offering too much, and not receiving enough in return. I would never want to hurt him. And will the relationship be doomed from the start because of this incompatibility? He’s not worried about this because he’s focused on enjoying our present time together – but I’m only going to become more attached to him as we go on, and it will be harder to go through a breakup the longer we see each other. What is your advice (if any) for prospective couples who are not both poly?

Sadly Monogamous

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How Do I Talk To Women I Just Met?

March 25, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove: My (30M) biggest issue at the moment is approaching new women.

I have recently moved to a new country and am slowly building my social circles, and have met some amazing women in the process. However, as I am impatient and strive to improve myself and also want to do it for the challenge itself, I have been eyeing cold approaching women in public (daygame, so to speak). I have done that a few times and it went pretty okay, even netted me a date, but still during the conversation I am an anxious wreck. As a wise man once said, the most important step is the next one; but herein lies my problem: after opening, I do not know what to talk about.

For example: “Hey I thought you were cute and wanted to meet you. Hi I am xxx.” “Hi, nice to meet you, I am yyy”. And then? Ask her how her day is going? How does one get from that to a rapport-building conversation that makes it memorable enough for her to want to see me again (if she is receptive)?

Or am I overthinking this? Learning this stuff is important to me since I have gone long enough through life without meeting all these gorgeous women I see daily when out and about, and to change that I know I have to eat some crow first but any little help would be appreciated.

Thanks.

In Search of Lost Opportunities

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How To Stay Positive (Even When Everything Is Awful)

March 23, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

One of the keys to any sort of self-improvement, emotional resilience, even just making progress in your own development is also one of the least appreciated: knowing how to perservere, even when the world seems to be falling apart. In fairness, trying to stay positive and how to keep your head up, even when it feels pointless and hopeless, can feel like being told “just keep going, just keep grinding” or toxic positivity. And honestly, it’s hard to feel like there’s hope in the world right now. Just look at… well, everything.

Figure in ragged hoodie, gas-mask and hazmat gear wanders in an orange-colored post-apocalyptic wasteland — 🎶 I don’t want to set the world on fiiiiiiiire… I just want to start a flame in your heart… 🎶

Every day, we read more about assaults on people’s right to choose, politicians using trans kids and LGBTQ people as punching bags to stir up their base and survive primary challenges, we’re entering the third year of a global pandemic and Russia’s invasion of Ukraine has heralded the return of the looming threat of global thermonuclear war. Oh also the Nazis are back.

animated gif from Rise of Skywalker. Oscar Isaac as Poe Dameron speaking to a crowd. Text reads: "Somehow, Palpatine returned" — OH COME ON…

Of course, the world doesn’t have to be on the brink of WWIII to feel as though there’s no hope. You can have enough heartbreak, struggle and setbacks in your own life to feel as though all hope is lost, regardless of the rest of the world. But whether you’re living through a global crisis, local upheaval or even your own personal long dark teatime of the soul, it’s easy to surrender to despair. It can feel like there’s no point to anything.

But it doesn’t have to. Sometimes the bravest and strongest thing you can do is simply refuse to give up hope. Here’s how to keep hope alive… even when your world is falling apart.

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Why Am I So Intimidated By Beautiful Women?

March 21, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,
I’m a cis/het male age 30 living in a really booming region of the USA. I have a great job that I’m proud of, my own place, and a small group of close friends of both men and women. As far as hobbies, I’m super into Latin dancing after first picking it up 4 years ago. I attend at least 1 social and 1 class every week. I attend writers’ groups, pub trivia, dinner/drinks groups, hiking groups, hockey games, and lift weights 4x a week among other things. I cook a new recipe every Sunday. I see a therapist twice a month to help with depression. I’m told by just about everyone that I’m good looking and I shouldn’t be worried about people not liking what they see. By most metrics, I’m killing it, socially and life-wise. For the 6 months I tried online dating, I went on 8 first dates. I’ve also never had a girlfriend or had sex due to severe depression and body dysmorphia through my 20s.

However, whenever I meet a women who I’m interested in (as in: I’m actually spending time around her and interested in her, not “ooh she’s pretty”), I get a sinking feeling in my stomach that’s followed by thoughts like “she’s better than you/she doesn’t have to pick you/she can get someone better than you”. It’s really counterproductive and when I actually ask them out, I get some form of no and that voice tells me “told you so”. I think the problem is that once I decide I’m attracted to someone, I place them on a pedestal and I feel crushed under the standards and expectations that I IMAGINE she has, not that she actually has. The reason I listed out all those things in the first paragraph is to illustrate how much I have going on in my life but that voice tells me it’s still not enough to make me “in demand” the same way I often imagine the women I like are.

I need to be comfortable with me as I am right now and not worry about what I lack. I know I shouldn’t build that on top of other peoples’ approval, but is it not a reasonable thing to want? I contend with a lot of negative self talk and worry that 30 is too late. I do a lot of gratitude journaling, meditation, exercise, noting small victories, but it feels like a form of settling for less rather than a (admittedly narrow) definition of success.

I don’t know what to do about these feelings of inadequacy. I have a social life, I get out of the house all the time, I do internal work, I don’t know what else I can do.

Thanks for doing what you do,
Dancing Fool

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