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3) Incompatible Sexual Techniques
The Problem:
Everyone has their sexual routine. Over the years, repetition and accommodating partners will have trained us to expect that some things are just part of the standard repertoire – the commonly accepted sexual lexicon, as it were. What you can reasonably expect for your future partners to be accepting of, if not anticipating.
Until of course you come across the first partner who not only did not expect your particular maneuver, but is actively repulsed by it. It could be as simple as a girl who absolutely hates giving (or receiving) head to power-exchange games. It may be something as outre as fingers going into unexpected or unwelcome territory during sex or or one person asking the other to slap, choke or vomit on them.
As a personal example, I dated one girl who was a biter. Not just a simple love-nip on the shoulder or collar-bone but a full-fledged moment biting anything that might be within range… including faces. She did not inform me of this in advance. Instead, sex – suddenly and without warning – turned from a simple matter of tab-A into slot-B to trying to fend off a zombie attack during a moment of passion without losing my erection or interrupting the tempo.
How To Recover:
Maybe it was just the fact that it was a surprise. Maybe pushed too far too fast and you crossed a line of what she is and isn’t willing to try. Maybe you accidentally hit a trigger that you didn’t know was there.
Regardless of how it happened, the only thing to do is stop and apologize right then and there. Sex requires trust above and beyond anything else and no woman will be willing to keep you as a partner if she things for a moment that she can’t trust you to respect her boundaries.
Tell her that you were caught up in the moment and didn’t realize that what you were doing was going to upset her and that furthermore, the last thing you want to do is make her uncomfortable or try to do something she wouldn’t like. Let it pass and for fuck’s sake, don’t do it again. Keep your actions to strict vanilla unless otherwise asked and discuss matters later… when you’re both fully clothed.
2) The Condom Breaks
The Problem:
Things have been going great… but at some point, you realize the condom’s no longer intact. In the heat of the moment, the condom either broke or slipped off entirely… and now you’re faced with the awkward moment of having to tell your partner and dealing with the resultant anxiety that comes with it.
How To Recover:
It should go without saying that you had best make sure that you and your partner are on the same page regarding pregnancy before you have sex. You do not want to find out that you have differing opinions on pregnancy and abortion at a moment like this. If the two of you aren’t already in agreement about what to do in the event of an unintended pregnancy, you shouldn’t be having sex in the first place.
Now, first things first: You want to keep this from happening in the first place. To start with, you need to make sure that the condoms you’re using fit properly. This is no time for trying to pretend that you need Magnums when you actually need a snugger fit. A condom that’s too big is going to slip off during sex, while a condom that’s too small is more likely to rupture or tear. A condom should fit securely at the base of the penis and not slide off easily; depending on the style, there could be a variable amount of give or material at the head, but it should NOT be nearly skin tight.
Next, make sure that you put the condom on properly. Pinch the tip of the condom to prevent air-bubbles while unrolling it towards the base of your penis; trapped air will cause the condom to rupture during sex.
During sex, take a moment or two to surreptitiously check the state of the condom. Reach a hand down and feel at the base of your penis and see if the condom’s still there. Pull out, take a quick glance to make sure that it’s in once piece and get back to bangin’.
If the condom does break or fall off, don’t panic. What you need to do depends on several factors. If you notice this before you orgasm, simply stop, make sure that there aren’t bits of the condom left in your partner, put on a new one and continue onward.
If you don’t realize that the condom failed until after orgasm, then you need to inform your partner immediately. Your next steps depend on whether she is on a secondary form of birth control such as the Pill or an IUD. If she is, all is most likely well.
If she isn’t… well, it’s time for Plan B. Literally. Plan B – also known as the Morning After Pill – is available over the counter at most pharmacies. Make sure to call in advance to ensure they have it in stock and head over immediately.
By the by: You’re accompanying her to the CVS because you’re a goddamn human. If you think that you’re sending her off on her own, then you need to understand that karma is going to ensure that you will never have sex again including with yourself.
1) You Can’t Get It Up.
The Problem:
Erectile disfunction is the stuff of nightmares for guys. The ability to achieve and maintain an erection is tied directly into our sense of masculinity. The idea that we can’t perform immediately the very moment we feel the urge is a matter of great anxiety for guys.
But as the joke goes, the difference between concern and panic is the second time you can’t get it up for the first time. While the occasional moment of an inappropriately limp penis happens to every man over time, the instant that it happens to you sets off a never-ending downward spiral as you begin to imagine that you will never have another hard on ever again. From now until the end of time, your cock will be strictly decorative; a mocking reminder of your impotence as it hangs like a flaccid vestigial appendage that evolution hasn’t gotten around to ridding you of. Yet.
How To Recover:
First and foremost: DO NOT PANIC. Panicing will only make things worse as your partner awkwardly tries to reassure you of your masculinity – which will only make you feel even less like a man. Instead, disassociate the lack of an erection from you, your level of arousal or your status as a man. An inability to get hard could have any number of causes ranging from alcohol consumption, side effects from medication, allergic reactions, or the capricious whims of a cruel and uncaring god. It has nothing to do with your masculinity or your ability to please a woman.
Sometimes it happens and it’s not a big deal. As long as you have fingers, a tongue and a can-do attitude, the occasional unwanted limp dick isn’t the end of the evening. Shrug your shoulders, give your best Han Solo smirk and proceed to give her the greatest oral sex of her life. She’ll love you for it.
Plus, if you take your mind off of it and focus on her instead… well, you might find that the problem solves itself.
Had any awkward moments during sex? Have you had to scramble to save a night of passion from disaster? Share your story in the comments.
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Squirrel says
Re: Plan B. At least have the grace to offer to help pay for it. Depending on where you go, that little pill pack can cost up to $70. Which is still cheaper than any of the other "Ooops, I'm preggers, now what?" options.
Zombie attack, huh?
Dr. NerdLove says
Yup. All fun and games until she went for my face. It was one of those moments I had wished someone had stood by and warned me. "You'll put your eye out, kid."
Dr. NerdLove says
Alternately: "Go for the eyes, Boo! Go for the eyes! RAAAAAAAAASK!"
Squirrel says
And wouldn't that have been awkward. "S'cuse me, what are you doing here?" "Trust me, you're going to need me later."
Tee says
Plan B is only $20 at Planned Parenthood and it's free for those who already see a doctor there. All you have to do is sign in, show your license to prove your age, and pay for it. Easy peasy.
Katie says
do you feel there is any sort of compromise when it comes to pregnancy and abortion? If this is a one night stand then by all means don't have sex with that person. But what if it's a relationship where sex is important (regardless of what people say apparently) but there are SOME opposing views? (girlfriend is pro choice but would never want to get an abortion) what would be best to do
Dr. NerdLove says
It's up to the couple, but if you fundamentally disagree on what to do in the event of an unintended pregnancy – and believe me, they can happen even when you do everything right – then you're going to be facing a fairly big snag in the relationship if it happens.
In cases like that, you'd best be taking every precaution possible; the pill AND condoms at the very least.
Also worth noting: you can never be completely sure about your thoughts on the subject until it directly affects *you* (generic you, not you specifically Katie). When the rubber hits the road, it's surprising how quickly a person's views can change, in both directions.
KamCannon says
I meant "My sis tried every means short of abortion. Birth control, condom, morning after pill…"
Hmm, punctuation helps.
theoriginalbraingoo says
What? No oxford comma?
KamCannon says
My sis tried every means short of abortion Birth control, condom, morning after pill and I still have a nephew. Two now. Sometimes that cruel uncaring god loves a laugh.
Katie says
it's funny with the whole "sexual compatibility" think that people ever so preach about reality of pregnancy makes me realize it's probably all a crock of shit…
Trisha Lynn says
Katie, what part? The compatibility part? I'm with someone who is extremely compatible to me, and this includes our stances on what to do in case of birth control failure.
Also, seconded on the accompaniment to the pharmacy for Plan B and helping pay for it. Even if it's a one-night stand.
katie says
nah just the whole thing where you gotta "test the waters" with people because these days apparently if you don't have good sex you can't love that person and it won't work. The whole thing with gaining experience via one night stands I think people forget pregnancy happens and it all just seems like a joke to me now maybe I'm wrong..eh…
I understand making sure you have clear feelings on birth control and abortion but those feleings may not be written in stone when the bad thing happens.
Katherine says
I haven't had the experience that anyone recommends engaging in one night stands for the purposes of gaining experience. Having one or two long and meaningful relationships might be a better way to gain experience. As Dr. Nerdlove states, sex, good sex, involves a lot of trust. How can a person begin to discover what they like/don't like/can/will/won't engaged in or try unless they have a trusting relationship within which to try things out?
🙂
Katherine
room temp says
Wow… the bunny rabbit is incredible adorable
Cat says
A note about "laughing it off" in an awkward moment:
Sometimes, an apology needs to go with that. Like, "Oh, I am SO sorry I just farted in your face!" before you start making jokes. Or in the middle of making jokes. One way or another, if it's something on that level, there needs to be an acknowledgement that "yeah, that was gross, it was totally unintentional, and I'm sorry it happened."
FilmKiller says
Epic.
Does Harris have something to share with the class? =)
ArmedVegan says
Great article y'all! Good advice on all of them. I come from the Dan Savage side and being GGG so I love that you included good communication and agreements ahead of time. Definitely have experienced one if not all of the above.
Dr. NerdLove says
I believe I've mentioned this before, but Dan Savage is my celebrity spirit animal and I quite cheerfully and blatantly crib advice from the man.
(I mean, when you're right, you're right. And he's frequently right.)
ArmedVegan says
I am a pretty new reader, but love your twist on relationship advice. Thanks for your well-spoken writings!
Kyle says
I think that you should be worried even if the condom breaks before orgasm. it would be the same situation as trying to use the pullout method. pre-cum can still get her pregnant
DDgirl says
I hate to have to post something that contradicts your post, since on the whole, I strongly approve, but there's one detail that makes me cringe here.
If the condom break or slips off, you inform your partner immediately, REGARDLESS OF WHETHER ORGASM HAS OCCURRED OR NOT. Pregnancy, as well as the spread of disease, can occur from pre-ejaculate. Admittedly, the chances are much lower, but for both your health and safety, she should know. I have a rather frightening experience where the guy I was with didn't tell me until well after the fact, because he assumed that no orgasm=no problem.
Other than that, though, I applaud your post. It's nice to see some practical, down-to-earth advice about how to keep sex fun, even when it's not "perfect".
Dr. NerdLove says
Since you and Kyle had your comments approved at about the same time, this addresses you both:
While minuscule amounts (less than 10,000) sperm *has* been found in pre-ejaculate, studies have *not* found motile or viable sperm. Pre-ejaculate is fluid from the Cowpers gland; the sperm found (rarely) in pre-ejaculate is actually *left over* from previous ejaculations. Even if the sperm cells were to enter the uterus, they cannot and will not penetrate the egg wall.
The female vagina is actually an incredibly hostile place for sperm. One sperm may be all it takes to fertilize an egg but it takes literally hundreds of millions of sperm to get it there in the first place.
Even allowing for normal ejaculation: it is actually difficult for humans – even when the woman is in her fertile period – to become pregnant. At ages 20-25 – among the ideal period, physically, for pregnancy – the average rate of pregnancy per cycle is 25%.
So while yes, a responsible person will let his partner know that the condom broke and he's switching them out (and honestly, it'd be hard not to notice that he was no longer inside her), the risk would be if he were starting to actually ejaculate prior to pulling out, not from the pre-cum.
DDgirl says
Okay, I will concede your pregnancy point. However, the point about spread of STDs still stands, especially since a lot of men don't get ever get tested as carriers of HPV (the virus linked to cervical cancer).
Dr. NerdLove says
Granted. But keep in mind (and I address this here: https://www.doctornerdlove.com/2011/10/i-have-an-s… that part of this is an establishment problem. The standard battery of STD testing does not include herpes or HPV tests; those have to be requested separately. Most people don't know this and assume – understandably – that they would be part of the package.
Also worth noting: 1 in 4 sexually active adults have been exposed to herpes while 1 in 2 have had HPV. In women, this number rises to 80% by age 50. This is why vaccinating young children is so important.
medwards says
Not to be a doubter, but I was hoping you could provide some references for the studies you're citing.
Dr. NerdLove says
Regarding sperm motility and pre-ejaculatory fluid, yes?
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12286905 http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12762415?dopt=… http://blogs.webmd.com/womens-health/2010/01/urba…
Sofie says
How long sperm lives inside the woman depends on the cervical fluid. If it's fertile they can live for up to 5 days; if not, they die in a few hours. She can only get pregnant for at most a week per cycle, so saying 25% isn't really indicative of how things work – on some days you're pretty much guaranteed to get pregnant, on others you're guaranteed not to. FAM lets you figure out which days are which.
E says
Hey, sorry to be off-topic, but I think this comic is a pretty awesome illustration of some of the things you've been talking about:
http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&am…
KB says
I just wanted to make a comment as someone who works with as a sex educator for teens. If you live in the state of California and think you/your partner can't get on birth control because you can't afford it, please visit your local clinic and sign up for Family Pact insurance. It is free to sign up for and provides you with free birth control (including the pill, the patch, the ring, the shot as well as male/female condoms, spermacides, IUDs, and the Implanon implant) not to mention free STD screening and pelvic exams. Basically anything to do with sexual heath, it has you covered. And most importantly (at least for the teens I work with) it is ENTIRELY CONFIDENTIAL. For those who are not teenagers, it covers men through age 65 and women through age 55 (if I'm not mistaken).
Also, there are many clinics who provide free condoms no questions asked. I can't tell you how many people come in for pregnancy tests because they didn't know they could get birth control without paying for it or having to go through their parents.
http :www.familypact.org
MBTX says
Dr. Nerdlove, just found your site and here's a common sexual mishap (for me) that I can't help but ask. I want to preface this – This is not bravado or braggadocio and it really HAS become a problem.
I'm a 25 year old guy, decent shape, roughly normal endowment. My problem is the exact opposite of premature ejaculation… I usually last 45 minutes or longer. A "quickie" for me is 25-30 minutes. My current partner of 4 years, she will ALWAYS get off, long before I do. Some information to be factored in: I do masturbate about 1-2 times per day (though even when I cut all masturbation for a month, it took a good 30 minutes), sex is rather infrequent due to my partner's pregnancy concerns, my partner practices mainly vaginal sex vs. oral or any other, and the partner's private area is somewhat smaller than my endowment.
Now, I know this seems like a dream situation for most guys, but it's such a recurring problem that it'll lead to my partner getting off then getting bored while I finish up. It's been so bad sometimes that she'll get off twice before I can even manage once. There is a keen sense of frustration in this.
Again, I'm truly not making any of this up or exaggerating in the least (God knows, I wish I was).
If you could give some thoughts on this, it'd be greatly appreciated. As a long time nerd who is actually pretty good getting women, I'd really like some advice or anything that could help with this unusual problem.
-Mike
MBTX says
Also, in case it may be pertinent information, I am an uncut individual. Not sure if that has much effect on my issue, but hey, the more info you have, the more accurate a response you might be able to give.
Dr. NerdLove says
Well there's an obvious answer to be had here, but first: are you able to get off reasonably quickly when you masturbate?
MBTX says
Reasonably so, yes.
Dr. NerdLove says
Make sure that you're not using the "death grip" when you jerk off. It's entirely possible to desensitize your penis by using far too much pressure when masturbating. It's a common issue guys have. After a while, that level of sensation becomes what you're used to and it's a level of pressure and friction that vaginal walls can't possibly match.
If you're using the death grip you basically have to learn to re-adapt by *not* jerking off the old way ever again. You have to essentially starve your penis of that sensation and let it get reset to a far lighter level of pressure than you have been using.
DazzOne says
……FUCK!!! That's hard (no pun intended) as HELL to do.
MBTX says
Hmm… how odd. I wouldn't have called it a death grip or even much of a firm grip, but I'll try what you suggest. Hope this helps others who suffer from the same problems I do. Thanks Dr. N, I'll keep following the site, great information for anybody!
Emma says
'By the by: You’re accompanying her to the CVS because you’re a goddamn human. If you think that you’re sending her off on her own, then you need to understand that karma is going to ensure that you will never have sex again including with yourself.'
AmenN. I had a friend who was touched that her random man agreed to come with her to the doctor's. I told her, don't be GRATEFUL, that's the very LEAST he could do.
EmmaW says
'By the by: You’re accompanying her to the CVS because you’re a goddamn human. If you think that you’re sending her off on her own, then you need to understand that karma is going to ensure that you will never have sex again including with yourself.'
Amen. I had a friend who was touched that her random man agreed to come with her to the doctor's. I told her, don't be GRATEFUL, that's the very LEAST he could do.
Mia says
I thought the accompany part was so sweet and thoughtful. My bf didn't come with me :(. Actually, I guess he thought it wasn't a big deal or didn't know about plan B, so I went by myself and bought one. Even if its expensive, it's definitely better than risk the higher chance of getting pregnant for sure.
Jimmy says
Just to clear up a misconception, Plan B does not prevent pregnancy. It prevents an already fertilized egg from implanting in the uterus. It is a form of abortion, though more socially-acceptable because you will never know if you were pregnant or not.
Kyle says
Hey. Love the article. Hillarious. I recently had sex for the first time this year after a night of clubbing and drinking that ended in me unexpectingly going home with this amazing women. After some decent foreplay from both parties it was time for the "Main show" so to speak, but for the love of <place deity's name here> I could not get my damn member in and everytime I tried I would loose stiffness. Eventually after several attempts I managed to get it in. 🙂
Blake says
Fun article. But I kept reading a lot of “don’t panic”. If a condom breaks, panic ain’t such a bad thing.
eselle28 says
Panic isn't helpful in that situation, either. The two of you have a problem that needs to be solved. It's so much easier to run out to get Plan B, talk about testing, have that discussion about pregnancy that you maybe should have had beforehand, and so on if neither of you is freaking out.