Help me, Doc,
I’m not sure if I’ve just lost what seemed to be shaping up to be a really good friend. I am 22yo, She is 24yo
She’s a girl I met in a class about a year or so ago when the both of us were in school, after our class finished we stayed friendly but we would only see each other once in a (long) while. Long story short, I move out of town, I move back, time passes and (maybe a month ago, not sure) we are beginning to hang out more often. I wouldn’t say we were “close” but recently we were getting closer as we were helping each other with things here and there and finding a lot of enjoyment spending time together as friends.
I had spoken to her just over a week ago and told her that i was attracted to her but she told me that she was currently in a “friends with benefits” kind of situation with another individual and there were perhaps thoughts to get more serious.That and another reason or two was why our relationship wouldn’t be going past friendship; not what i wanted but hey its not the end of the world either. So one evening a few days later we’re hanging out again, I’d accepted that I was in the friend zone and had no plans or expectations for things to move past that. However, after a few drinks it just so happens that we ended up having sex.
I’m fairly confident it was a pleasant experience for the both of us that night, however the morning after although things weren’t bad I didn’t get the feeling that everything was okay. I’m aware that this was a mistake and a lot that wasn’t supposed to happen, happened real fast; as such I imagine she’s going to want some space and some time to herself. Its been about four days since that night at the time I’m sending this and I haven’t heard anything from her. I don’t want to hassle her with calls/texts but I also don’t want to stay so silent that she might think I’m oblivious and or don’t care.
Thus I ask, should I expect to be able to salvage our friendship? and how should I go about doing so?
FZ Escapee
Ah, booze. The solution to, and cause of, most of life’s problems.
Normally I would say “Congratulations for escaping the Friend Zone“, except I’m not entirely sure you did.
You leave a lot of details out, FZE, and those can make all the difference. She’s in a fuckbuddy relationship with a dude that may be getting serious… plus some other unnamed reasons. Ya’ll got drunk and you “just so happened” to have sex… but again, without more details here, it’s really hard to make any sort of judgement about what happened. Did she make the first move, or did you? Was it a moment of alcohol-inspired loosening of the ol’ inhibitions, the culmination of months of an unspoken yet growing sexual tension between the two of you, FZE? Or perhaps she had a falling out with her friend-with-benefits and needed some comfort? Maybe she was feeling unattractive for some reason and was a little vulnerable? Did you see an opening and wear her down until she decided to sleep with you? Details like these can completely change one’s interpretation of the events.
Regardless of the events – and when you say “I’m confident it was a pleasant experience for both of us”, that does seem to imply you’re not too clear on things yourself – it’s the morning after that can make all the difference.
I’m not gonna sugar-coat it, FZE. You kinda blew it here.
You said yourself that things were uncomfortable the next day; you both weren’t tearing your hair out wailing “Oh God, what did we do?”, but clearly things were a little strained. You did something neither of you planned on last night – when booze is involved, boundaries can be blurred – and she may have been feeling some regret afterwards. The best thing you could have done is to at least make the offer to talk about it. You could have said “Hey, things got a little crazy last night. I mean, I enjoyed it, and I hope you did too, but maybe we should talk about it.” And then you leave the ball in her court. She may not have wanted to discuss it; in fact, the only thing she wanted to do was pretend that both of you got drunk on the couch and passed out and nothing happened. She may have wanted to pretend that she didn’t remember anything and that you didn’t either. But by making the offer to talk, you would have at least been signaling that you were willing to make the tacit agreement that things got a little weird and you’re making an effort to meet her half-way on it.
Christ, I hope you didn’t just go “Well, that was awesome” and take off in the morning.
Giving her space and time to herself might have been the right idea… if she had been the one to say that she needs it. Unilaterally deciding to let her make the first move is sending a completely different signal. It’s entirely possible that your willingness to give her space is coming off as “Well, I got what I wanted, so I’m outta here.” It may give her the impression that you feel guilty for what happened and blame her. It’s impossible to say how she’s taking it because – again – you haven’t given her the chance to tell you how she feels about things.
I can understand that you don’t want to harass her or make her feel pressured to talk to you, but you should at least reach out to her. I’d recommend calling her; if you’re especially nervous, you can try to arrange it at a time when you can leave a voice mail. You should acknowledge that yeah, things are a little weird and you both did something you didn’t expect, but you hope she’s ok, you miss her and you’re here for her if she wants to talk about it, and that you hope she calls you back.
And then you leave it at that. If she wants to talk to you, she’ll let you know. Then, if you’re lucky, you’ll hopefully be able to salvage things.