You may of covered a lot of what I have to ask before, but here it goes.
I have a really close friend, that i’m crazy about. I’ve asked her out in he past but that was at a time that she just wasn’t looking for a relationship (she is very commitment-phobic)
Recently I have talked to her about me and her getting together. She said that she wouldn’t want to risk the friendship. I personally agree, only because we haven’t had much experience in the dating game (I’ve just turned 23, never had a girlfriend, but have had 1 night stands which I regret as they make me feel guilty. She is 22, has had 1 boyfriend in the past and doesn’t sleep around)
Now here is my problem. I think there could be a chance that we could work in the future (after failed relationships) I’m not to sure what she thinks/feels (she isn’t that open) Trouble is, I find it harder and harder to be a good friend, right now, knowing that I still have strong feelings for her. I have found myself getting jealous for no reason on nights out with her, and I have also neglected looking for another female to flirt with as I have only wanted to speak to her. Will this friendship I have with her sabotage potential relationships? Or is it still possible to stay friends with her and “get over her” for good?
A little about myself so you know what kind of guy i am. I have a nasty habit of falling into the Friend Zone. I’m a little shy but over the years I have built confidence by doing stand up and talking to women, I’m still not great and closing (hense the single status) I can be rather picky, and a bit of a hopeless romantic. I’m sensitive about my height (i’m only 5.2) which makes me look a lot younger than I am and has also led me to hate the word “cute”
I think I am quite an average looker. I walk a lot to keep the weight down. Over the last few months I have started going to the gym a lot to look better.
Like I said, I’m not sure if you may of covered this before, but I’m hoping you can give me some advice.
Planning The Great Escape
Here’s what ruins friendships, PGE: making “whyyyyy won’t you date me?” a constant condition of being your friend.
Here’s the thing: you asked her out. She said no and – more to the point- made it clear that she’s just not into you that way from the get-go. Even in this day and age, women are socialized to be indirect, especially if it means avoiding hurting men’s feelings. While there are plenty of people who feel that a sexual relationship and a friendship are mutually incompatible (obviously, I’m not one of them…), “I don’t want to risk the friendship” is generally a nice way of saying “I’m not attracted to you.” Similarly, “I don’t want a relationship right now,” generally has a silent “…with you.” at the end. It would be one thing if there had been a great deal of chemistry between the two of you, but she felt that there was some fundamental incompatibility that sleeping together might exacerbate. But there isn’t. She just doesn’t like you that way.
Could that change? Well, yes. I’ve turned platonic friendships to sexual or romantic ones, as have plenty of others. But hitting the Cosmic Reset Button that changes you from “friend” to “relationship partner” requires time, change, perspective and – critically – not staying friends with her just because you’re trying to date her. Therein lies Nice Guy territory… and frankly, you’re kind of starting to head in that direction. Or at least towards a nasty case of Oneitis. By your own admission, you’re getting irrationally jealous over her and neglecting your own social life as you pine over her. None of these are good signs that you’re going to be able to compartmentalize enough to a) be friends with her without making it all about wanting to date her and b) being able to actually go out and date other people.
I think that if you legitimately want to get over her and still be friends, then you’re going to have to put some distance between you for a while. I’m not saying that you have to go the full nuclear option, but you’re not going to get over her by sitting around and pining for her while you wait for your big RomCom moment where she suddenly realizes she was in love with you all along. You need to take some space and move her to the back-burner of your attention. Focus on yourself and your social life. Let yourself grow as a person and get more relationship experience under your belt. It’s not a guarantee that you’ll leap out of the Friend Zone with her, but the path you’re on right now is going to ensure that you’re not even going to be able to salvage a friendship over the long-term.
Hey, Doctor Nerd Love, I’m an 18, soon to be 19, teenage male in need of some advice, consoling. I’m not entirely sure how to explain it. I guess there’s no real point trying to beat around the bush, so here’s the story in short.
Back when I was a senior in high-school I had a gal that I was pretty well interested in who was in the grade below me. Not entirely sure how to approach, I sought out the advice of my flamboyant friend, also in her grade, who agreed to help me out. Refined my looks, gave me advice, and even talked me into getting a few other confidants. Now, I met this gal though a dude, who was in a group with her and two other guys. So it would of been five of us, including me. I sought out the help of two of the others, mostly since the third was the worlds biggest chatterbox and I had no intention of letting the cat get squashed by an anvil as soon as it got out of the bag. Seeking out heir help, aparently one of the guys had a fling with her before, and said she was crazy. I was a little bit put off, but I ignored it.
Come the time of the prom I must of been the classiest dude in my class, but when I asked her if she would go to the prom, it tuns out that she was going to be out of town for a funeral. I was a bit bummed, but she did say we could hang out again sometime. So it was a bit of a win, but I still felt left wanting. Pushing past the muted animosity that life was throwing at me, I still planned to go.
Now here’s where the story really starts to get interesting. So It’s a week or so before the prom, and I sheepishly hang out with her, trying my best not to come off as a blubbering idiot. I do manage to ask if she would want to go and see a movie at the local theater. She asked as if it were a date, or just as friends. As an idiot, I eneded up blubbering my words and ended up saying somthing akin to. “Just as friends…unless…you know…you want to go as a date…date?” God I sounded like an idiot. It was then that I found out, just recently, she had started to go out with another dude. I was crushed at first, but then I found out who it was, and it just about made me tear my hair out. The fucking confidant ,the one who said she was crazy; The one that I trusted the most, fucking backstabbed me!
I was pissed, I was pissed to hell. I didn’t show it though, but I was literally trying to mentally strangle the dude every time I saw or spoke with him. Prom comes, I put on my best suit, best body spray, and of course a corsage, and head out there. It was plenty fine, and I managed to keep my mental anger in check. It was a good night, and I definitely enjoyed myself, but the shit had only just hit the fan.
Not even a week later, they break up. And believe me, it was not pretty. If I knew what I know now, only cemented further by reading some of your articles, I wish I could of gone back in time and smacked myself in the face and shouted “What the hell were you thinking?!” A week after they breakup, I feel like absolute crap. Not only because I was going though finals, but also because I was trying, legitimately, trying to help her out. That’s when I was approached by the chatterbox of the group, the one that I had been keeping this from in it’s entirety. As Murphy’s Law would have it he found out, and gave me the advice that she loves yellow flowers, and nobody has ever brought her any.
As you could probably guess, like an absolute idiot, I took the Cadillac out to the nearest flower shop during that lunch break, got a big bouquet of flowers, and returned to school to meet her there. Now if this were some really disney shit, things would of gone hapilly ever after. But no, it went absolutely down the friend-zone toilet. Now I know what you say about Nice Guys and the Friend Zone, but I didn’t throw a pity party, didn’t rage at her. Hell, im not even mad at her. But I feel almost sick to my stomach whenever I think about it. I’m pissed at myself mostly now, rather then the dude who got to her first. There’s nothing I can really do about it now.
I suppose my question, after my tale, is where do I go from here? I feel as though any resemblance of a relationship is gone now that I’ve felt that feeling of self loathing, and I fear having the exact same thing happen to me once again. You’re the only non B.S. relationship help I’ve found yet Doc, what would you say to do?
– The Crushed Paladin.
Here’s what you do: you learn from this and you move on. Here’s what you need to take away from this.
First things first: if you’re going to ask somebody on a date, you ask them out on an unambiguous date. Not “hanging out”. Not a “friend thing”. You must establish that you’re interested in them sexually and romantically. Yes, being up front will mean that you will be shot down more. That’s a feature, not a bug; you want to know up front whether or not that person is receptive to an actual date, not some ambiguous “maybe friends, maybe not” zone. The more time you spend wondering if she sees you as a platonic friend or as a potential naked-time-guy is time you’re not spending with women who are looking at you as potential-naked-time-guy.
Don’t get me wrong: being friends is awesome. I highly recommend being friends with women! But as with PGE above you, you don’t want to be hanging out as a Nice Guy, hoping to collect enough Friend Tokens until you can trade them in for sex.
The second thing: quit believing Hollywood. The Grand Romantic Gesture does not work, especially when you’re swooping in at the tail end of a break-up; even if your intentions up until then have been pure (and be honest with yourself, if not with me… were they?) then at best you look like you were just biding your time until the Single Window had reopened. Seriously: a week after they broke up? Even by the lightning-fast pace of high-school romance standards, that’s practically like ringing her doorbell the moment she’s dumped her ex. Not cool, dude.
You’re about to be in college, which means you’re going to be in a position to put all of this behind you and concentrate on the new world you’re stepping into. There will be other women and other mistakes, other heartbreaks and – keep this in mind – other successes. Process your mistakes and learn to let this one go. You’ll be much happier – and have much more success – in the long run.
This is not exactly about dating. Some time ago you posted on Facebook a question about Urban Fantasy. I recomended Dresden Files. You then recommended some books to me and I was stupid enough not to write it down. Now I cannot find it (damn you facebook).
So can you help a fellow geek with an answer to a question: “I love Jim Butcher and Urban Fantasy. What would you recomend”?
Some recent favorites of mine:
The October Daye series by Seanan McGuire
The Iron Druid Chronicles by Kevin Hearne
The Sandman Slim series by Richard Kadrey
The Hollows by Kim Harrison
The Alex Verus series by Benedict Jaka
The Felix Castor novels by Mike Carey
and London Falling by Paul Cornell
Readers! If you’ve got urban fantasy suggestions, let’s hear about them on the Facebook page and in the comments section!