Doc, please help.
I am a 27 year old guy from India, so please excuse my English. I’ve just become engaged last month with 23 year old girl as part of an arranged marriage. She says she is virgin but I don’t know if I believe her. Yesterday we tried to have sex at my place. During foreplay, I put my 2 fingers inside and I felt that its too loose. I tried to enter her with my penis and I got a serious mind shock. She was too loose inside.
I have had sex with around 10 girls, and nobody was that lose even after i have fucked a girl for like 200 times. And now I’m serious unsure whether she is telling the truth or not. She has high blood pressure issues and migraines. She has told me that she has never even masturbated. So can a girl be so loose inside?
Please guide me .
VD I picked your letter because, quite frankly, you’re an example of a lot of really shitty myths and misunderstandings about women, anatomy, virginity and how bodies work in general.
So pay attention, school’s in session. And today’s lesson is: there are no signs that somebody is a virgin or not.
Let’s start with your fiancee’s “looseness”. Genitalia come in all kinds of shapes and sizes. Just as penises can range from the very small to the very large, so can vaginas. Women can have deep vaginal canals or shallow ones. Men can have narrow penises or thick ones, just as women can have naturally narrow or wide vaginas.
But here’s the thing about women and vaginas: a woman’s “tightness” has absolutely nothing to do with the amount of sex they have or haven’t had. The vaginal walls are a muscle and they’re incredibly elastic; after all, they’re designed to let a baby pass. Your dick, no matter how many times you put it in someone, ain’t the size of a baby. To put it another way: think of all the times you’ve eaten food. Sometimes it’s been as small as piece of popcorn. Other times it’s been something large enough that you’ve had to unhinge your jaw like a snake. Has your mouth stretched out of shape? No. No it has not.
There are three things that affect vaginal tightness: childbirth, arousal and specific exercises. The vagina does get stretched during child-birth, but (in younger women anyway) it re-tightens post-partum. After around six to eight months, it feels the same it did before. Women in their late 30s and 40s can have issues due to age affecting the elasticity of the muscles and women who’ve had many, many children can seriously fatigue the vaginal muscles. But I can tell you: doesn’t matter how big your cock (or anyone’s really) may or may not be, it’s not as big as a baby.
Arousal is another set of circumstances that can affect vaginal tightness. See, a tight vagina is not a sign of sexual inexperience, it’s a sign that she’s not aroused. Arousal causes the vaginal muscles to relax and open to better accommodate an erect penis and facilitate impregnation. So a woman who’s vag is open and well-lubricated is a woman who’s very aroused while a woman who’s tight is one who’s tense, not in the mood or dealing with someone who sees foreplay as “brace yourself, I’m going in.”
So no: the relative dimensions of your fiancee’s genitalia do not tell you whether or not she’s a virgin.
And while we’re at it: a hymen or lack thereof is no indicator of virginity either. Many women won’t have a hymen or barely have one in the first place. Other times, it may have been torn through simply being active and athletic. So that’s not a reliable indicator of virginity either.
Is your fiancee a virgin? Who knows and frankly, does it really matter that much to you? You’re starting a relationship with this woman and having a successful marriage means putting in effort. Starting things off by calling her a liar and slut-shaming her? Really not a great beginning to a marriage.
Doc, I’ll cut to the chase. I think I’m cursed.
I’m one of your homosexual readers who lives in an area where my sexual orientation is a danger to myself. But given recent events, I’m starting to think that I’m just cursed in general. Let me explain.
The first guy I fell for that helped me realize I’m gay was back in middle school. He would come over quite a lot and seemed to enjoy the time we spent together. I later found out that his home life was not that fantastic, as his mother would verbally abuse him and treat his younger brother much more favorably by comparison. His mother was murdered by his father before the school year was out. He and his brother left to live with his grandmother by order of the courts.
The next guy I fell for was in high school. He was an outcast, but who wasn’t in high school? We would get along and hang out, and he was cool when I confessed my attraction to him even though we weren’t compatible. (He was straight.) I recently learned that he died in a home invasion gone bad while I was at college. He was shot and killed in that event while trying to defend his home.
Immediately out of high school, I fell for a guy I met on the internet. What actually happened was that I ended up becoming every mother’s worst nightmare and found myself being raped by a man old enough to be my father at the time. I got out of there as fast as I could, going broke in the process.
A lot of time passed between him and the next guy I fell for, which was a work crush. He was the first bisexual I fell for, but upon telling him that I fancied him, I was shot down. He was cool and we still hung out as friends. Then he got arrested and charged with statutory rape of his step-sister three months later.
The most recent guy I fell for was this past year. He was a fellow nerd around my age that looked a whole lot younger. We hung out over the course of about six months, but after telling him that I was attracted to him, I found out very quickly that he was the type that “didn’t like putting labels on relationships.” He was recently arrested and charged with possession and distributing child pornography.
I think you can see the trend here. It seems that every guy I fall for ends up… well, being involved in some kind of criminal activity, either as the perpetrator or the victim. It’s gotten to the point now where I’m afraid to even attempt to flirt with a guy I find attractive. I know this is a completely irrational way to think, so I’m turning to you for advice. How can I go about beating this curse and finally find a guy who won’t end up like the rest? Or is this one of those weird cases where I’m just going to have to let Fate decide for me?
– Stuck in the Middle (America)
Before I get into this SitMA, I want to make it abundantly clear that you aren’t doing these things. You had nothing to do with the fate that befell your high-school crush, nor did you have anything to do with the horrifying home-life that your friend from middle-school had. This is going to sound dismissive and it’s not meant to, but that’s just really bad luck. As for the rest… I think the biggest issue is that you’re in a shitty situation and that is affecting things more than anything else.
You’re in one of those backwards parts of America where being open and out is a very bad idea. This puts a serious whammy on your dating life because trying to meet people often means literally taking your life in your hands. It’s hard to meet a good guy when it’s hard to meet any guy in the first place. So your dating pool – already relatively limited – is limited even further. This means the odds of a string of bad (ranging from “that asshole who cheated on me” to “oh holy god the cops pulled a monster off the street”) boyfriends goes up significantly.
Circumstances like these can be especially bad because it gives bad actors and predators – like your rapist (and also holy shit, I’m so sorry that happened to you) – an advantage because there are a lot of inexperienced boys and young men out there looking for love who also have a lot of motivation to keep things quiet.
Another thing that’s going on is that there’s some x-factor about these guys that you find attractive. Now don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying that you’re at fault at all, nor am I saying you’re attracted to scumbags. What I am saying is that – much like with the ugly myth that women like assholes, there’s some trait that these guys share that happens to come up a lot in dudes who are frequently in trouble with the law in one way or another.
Maybe it’s that they’re the ones willing to flaunt social convention. Maybe they’re more confident or assertive than some of the other guys you’ve met. Maybe there’s an recklessness or adventurousness that you find appealing. But – as I’m always saying – while assholes and scumbags may have those traits, there’re plenty of good people who have them too. It’s correlation, not causation.
There’s also the possibility of some self-sabotage coming into play. If you have issues with depression or low self-esteem or self-worth – or if you’ve internalized the blame for what happened to you and your friends – it’s entirely possible that there’s a part of you that leads you to be into guys that you know are no good for you because you’re subconsciously punishing yourself. Sometimes people will pick partners that they know at some level are bad for them because they don’t believe they deserve to be happy for one reason or another.
So how do you beat this curse? Well, my first suggestion is a wildly impractical one in the immediate term, but if I’m perfectly honest, it’s the one I’d focus on: get the hell out of there. Sock away every single dime you can spare and start making plans to find a new, more LGBT-friendly place to live (and here’s an alternate list of cities to consider) where you and others can be open without being as at-risk as you are right now. A larger, safer and more open LGBT population means that there are more opportunities to meet people and that means more chances to find a good guy who’s right for you. It also means you’ll be happier and enjoy life more in general, which can help improve the odds of finding the right guy.
The other thing to do in the meantime is to do some self-exploring and trying to sort out just what it is that you’re attracted to in men. The more you can zoom in on what it was that all these guys had in common, the more you can start looking for guys who have that same x-factor while doing a whole lot of due diligence to filter out the criminals and the predators.
And if you are having any sort of emotional issues… well, it can be good to get some help there too. Captain Awkward has a great post on finding low-cost or even free mental health care, and it may be worth your time checking that out too.
Good luck. And write back to let us know how you’re doing.
I was wondering if you have any material relating to people who indirectly acquire your phone number. Or give you a fake reason to get your number and then call or text you to ask you out. Out of the blue, without warning.
It’s happened to me 5 times now, it scares the shit out of me and I’m pretty sick of it. After a lot of reflection I understand that I have some boundary issues to address that almost definitely contribute to the situation. I’m too kind, too friendly, too available and too attentive. I always have a moment for everyone and I’m more interested in understanding and championing people than I am in protecting myself. No matter who they are, how they look or how awkward they are socially, I really just want to have a good chat and a laugh and get excited about geek-y things with them.
I don’t want to play the victim and shirk any responsibility for my boundary problems, even so it’s really frustrating, frightening and I never know how to handle it. It’s confusing as hell because I’m no Scarlett Johansson, and it blows my mind that this happens to me at all. I’ve managed to keep my original number so far, but I’ve had to fight to get these people to stop contacting me. Sometimes it’s turned into some pretty vicious, defensive verbal exchanges that I’m not proud of. Other times I’ve had to leave social clubs, avoid businesses and even stop contracting to a particular workplace to get away from these individuals.
Even though I have a long history with people who interact with me like this, it shocks me every time and I freak out because it makes no sense to me. I’ve been mildly stalked a couple of times and I regularly attract really insecure/troubled friends and interested ‘nice’ guys. I’m becoming more than a little anti-social, judgmental and wary of being friends with anyone who displays even the tiniest signs of insecurity, poor self esteem or control issues. So I want to address that by regaining my confidence, rebuilding my self esteem and getting more social. Part of getting this confidence back means potentially dealing with being stalked again or having my contact information misappropriated or being given out without my permission again.
So Doc,in your opinion, what do I need to understand about what’s going on here? I’d really appreciate anything you’ve got to say about this. 🙂
This is one of those times when you’re stuck having to make changes because of other people’s bad behavior. There’re plenty of creepers out there who see boundaries as things that happen to other people and folks who’ll leverage another person’s kindness and friendliness in order to get access to them. I have lost track at how many times I’ve seen guys take advantage of the good-will of women or mistake friendliness for a sign that they were destined to be together. Anime clubs, conventions, various professional events… put together a large enough mix of poor social calibration, insecurity and entitlement and you get dudes who think that women exist strictly for their benefit.
Unfortunately, dealing with them means having to have some shields up.
To start with, I’d suggest seriously working on your boundaries – not just with these guys but also with the folks who’re giving out your number. If your friends are how some of these folks are bank-shotting their way into your life, then it’s time to sit them down and have a come-to-Jesus meeting with them about how free they’ve been with your contact info. They should check with you first before giving out your information, not just handing it out willy-nilly to anyone who’s trying to get in contact with you. As for guys who’re making sudden swerves into trying to date you, it may be worth making sure that when the topic of dating comes up that you shut it down, firmly and directly. If you’ve given soft no’s like “I’m not interested in dating right now” or “I just don’t have the time”, a lot of guys will deliberately overlook the refusal and choose to interpret what you’re saying as “try again later” or “keep at it, I’ll change my mind.” It’s one of the lies that we pick up through pop-culture, and unfortunately, a lot of people think persistence in the face of a lack of interest is romantic, not creepy as fuck.
It also may not be a bad idea to put up some firewalls between you and these creepers. Locking down your social media presence should be your first stop. Get to know the privacy settings for your Facebook, Instagram and Twitter accounts and make ’em as secure as you can. It’s astounding how many ways Facebook can open you up to complete strangers, even when you’re being careful. You should also consider having two numbers and email addresses: your “real” one and the one you give out to less-trusted people. Services like Google Voice provide a decentralized number that you can access from anywhere (and abandon as needed), while apps like Burner which give you disposable alternate numbers – including ones that are text only – that eventually self-destruct. These can help limit the ways that Johnny Creepo can get in touch with you… including if one of your well-meaning friends gives out your info even when you’ve specifically told them not to.
Yeah, it’s a little extreme, but if you’ve had creepers stalking you, that extra layer of insulation can provide some invaluable peace of mind.
Beyond that: as much as I hate to say it, but you may have to let yourself be a little more judgmental and wary of folks and less available overall. It’s admirable that you want to assume the best of everyone, but a lot of people tend to take friendliness as signs of interest and will dismiss anything that disagrees with the story they want to hear. Yes, there’re dudes who may be a little awkward but otherwise good guys, but there’re also the ones who’ll use social awkwardness as cover. You’re well within your rights to keep people at a distance until they’ve proven that they’re decent people. You’re also well within your rights to cut folks off for any reason. If you decide someone makes you uncomfortable or they’re starting to give you the creeper vibe, you have the right to put distance between you and them. You may catch flack from folks who buy into the Geek Social Fallacies or who will tell you that you’re overreacting. Doesn’t matter: who you trust and don’t trust isn’t up for public vote and you can set your boundaries where you damn well please.
Beyond that: take things at your own pace and speed. You can ease yourself back into the social scene as fast or as slow as you feel comfortable doing. Just take care of yourself; that matters more than possibly hurting some randos’ feelings when you’re not as nice as they’d like you to be.