I need some help on this subject, as its been tormenting me for years upon years and I cant get out of it. Why does desperation turn away women from men? It doesn’t make sense, especially evolutionary speaking. We are biologically programmed to want sex, so if someone doesn’t get it for a long time, that means they want it more right?
It frustrates me to no end hearing people I know complain they haven’t had sex for a week and say “OMG I’m so horny and desperate,” yada yada yet they go and get laid easily. I’ve been in a fucking rut for over 5 years and i don’t get what the hell is wrong. I have lots of friends, a good job, I have interesting hobbies, and people tell me I’m well socially calibrated, so theres no reason I shouldn’t be having so much trouble getting laid. What I am desperate for now is relief in just having this issue understood, so I can get over it and get on with my life.
I don’t even need a relationship or to be dependent on someone. I don’t want to objectify women, I don’t want to go down the PUA route, I certainly don’t want to identify with the incel label because that will get me into deeper shit and, I really don’t want to end up bitter and hating for women. It doesn’t make sense. Please help, Doc. Thanks,
Here’s the problem, DS: desperation is an ugly and unpleasant emotion and it broadcasts negative things about you. It affects your behavior, the way you talk to people, the way you interact with them, even things as minor as the way you sit and stand. I mean, just in this letter, I can see the anger and bitterness you’re feeling right now and even that is going to affect how people interpret your behavior.
Now don’t get me wrong: it’s totally understandable that you’re feeling frustrated, even angry. But it’s holding onto that anger and the resentment that you’re displaying towards people who don’t have your dilemma that’s the problem… not the lack of sex.
Like I’ve said many a time before: if the problem is just getting your dick wet, then there’s any number of ways to solve that issue. There are escorts out there who’ll be happy to help resolve the tension; just make sure to do your due diligence and choose an escort who isn’t being trafficked or coerced into doing sex work. If you’re worried about the legal aspect, then start pricing out flights to Reno; many of the brothels out there will even send a limo to pick you up at the airport. If you don’t want to pay, period, then you could always go trawling at bars and find a woman who, while not the most conventionally attractive, may well decide that getting eaten out would be nice that night.
But, as with many other people who complain about their dry spell or the lack of sexual activity, I suspect that the problem is less the physical act and more the things that surround getting laid – the feeling of being desired by another person, the intimacy of it, even the validation of of sleeping with a beautiful woman. These tend to be the real issues around a lengthy dry-spell. And that gives us the places where you need to start.
In your case, you need to find ways to let go of your anger and frustration. Yes, I realize it’s easy for me to say that but trust me when I say I’ve been where you are and it ain’t pretty. That frustration is going to be your number one issue that’s going to get in the way of getting laid. Even if you think you’re able to mask it long enough to message someone on OKCupid or Tinder, it’s going to lead to your tripping over your own dick. You’ll push to go too far, too fast or just give of that nebulous “something’s not right here” vibe and end up in a self-reinforcing spiral.
So what do you do? Well to start with, you need to change your attitude. It feels like woo-woo feel good bullshit, but science backs it up: people with more positive attitudes are more popular, more well liked and do better in general. They’re more emotionally resilient, which means that their failures don’t destroy them. They’re on the look out for opportunities, so they’re in a better position to take advantage of them and maximize their chances. It’s not easy; positivity is a habit and you have to consciously work to change your outlook. One of the first ways you can start making that change is to start practicing gratefulness for the things you do have instead of lamenting what you don’t have. It helps change the context of “I’m awful because I don’t have X” to “I’m glad that I have all these wonderful things,”
Trust me: even that little shift can make a major difference.
Once you start getting a handle on your outlook, read this article about isolating and dealing with your sticking points. That will help you zero in on the other areas where you’re having problems.
And while you’re at it, get yourself a Fleshlight or a Tenga Fliphole. I’m being serious here. It’s a completely different experience than just old-fashioned dates with Rosie Palms. It’s not a substitute for the real thing, but it’ll definitely help dial back that nagging “MUST GET LAID AT ALL COSTS” you’re feeling as you work at your self-improvement.
I’m struggling with a basic dating question, and the weird thing is that I think I’ve wrestled with this question multiple times before, and resolved it, but somehow I keep forgetting the answer! It’s as if I’m unpredictably losing access to the part of my brain that holds that answer.
The question is about honesty. You and many others advise us to improve our dating success by finding ways to meet more people, e.g. by joining clubs or meetups. But I keep thinking, if I join clubs with that goal in mind, how am I not being dishonest, and therefore creepy? I would be making social contacts on a pretext of just wanting to play board games or watch birds or whatever, while actually having the ulterior motive of wanting to get dates. That sounds just like the guys “Private Number” complained about, who would make up a fake reason to get her number and then call to ask her out. Creepy and wrong, right?
This point of view would imply that the only ethical way to get dates is on a dating site, where you declare your intentions up front in your profile. Some kind of matchmaking service might also be OK. But, I keep thinking, these can’t be the only ethical ways, because smart, decent people like you don’t believe that!
I am hoping you will answer this conundrum, so that I can save a link to the post and bring it up next time I forget the answer.
— Probably Overthinking It
You’re definitely overthinking it. Creepiness comes when you’re only there to try to get laid and acting like a shark going from woman to woman in rapid succession. If you want to avoid being a creeper, don’t go to meet women and get laid, go to meet people and enjoy yourself. Making connections there, getting to know people and letting them get to know you will stand you in better stead and mean that when you do meet someone you’d be interested in asking out, it’ll be a natural development rather than being a guy on the prowl.
I’m a 25 year old female with a slight problem…I think.
You see, pretty much my whole life, I’ve only seemed to be able to become interested in girls I’ve been friends with for a while. By a while I mean a few months to a year. I’ve only been in 3 relationships of any length and that’s only because the friends I was interested in made the first move in those cases. So far, I’ve only had one friend react horribly to me voicing my feelings but one was enough to make me afraid to do it again.
I’ve tried online dating not because I felt like “I need a girlfriend so let me jump on OkCupid for a bit.” (I’ve never felt the “need a girlfriend” thing as in “I have a girlfriend shaped space in my life that I’m taking auditions for” sort of thing. I’m either interested in someone or I’m not, which in a way might be part of the issue.) but more as a prophylactic against having to deal with a friend-crush yet again. Each attempt was disappointing. I kept being torn between (a) trying to go on more dates with a cool-seeming girl in hopes that maybe at some point I might feel something and possibly stringing them along in the process or (b)drop the cool-seeming girl I’m not really feeling any attraction to and try to find someone elseI might feel that spark more quickly with which I inevitably won’t and end up considering repeating (a) in the process.
Even people I’ve known for not long enough who show interest in me don’t seem to have an effect. One girl I met about 8 months ago started showing some signs and I wasn’t feeling it. After about 3-4 months she stopped and then 4 months later BOOM, guess who’s interested? ME of course!
But my question isn’t so much about how to find a girlfriend (though feel free to tack that on if you’ve got it, Doc.) but rather, how do you go through life knowing you’ll be in this situation over and over again with the scary-as-hell specter of Nice Guys/Girls and backdoor friendship gambits? I really do care about the friends I have (especially since I warm up to friends very slowly too) and I don’t want any of them to have to worry about why I became friends with them in the first place or to have to inventory every nice thing I’ve done for them to check it for traces of slime.
Is there any sort of heads-up I can give new of existing friends that says “Hey, I’m not a cowardly backdoor-ing friendship-swindler. This is just how I’m wired to the best of my knowledge.”? Is there any way I can somehow generate interest in someone who isn’t quite doing it for me yet so I can actually “strike while the iron is hot” as the advice normally goes?
Any help is very much appreciated.
I Don’t Wanna Date in Vain
There’s actually a term for people in your position, IDWDIV: it’s called “demisexual,” and it means that you develop romantic or sexual feelings with people over time as you develop your connection with them. It’s more common than you’d think and while the term may be new, more and more people are starting to recognize that it’s how they’re wired.
The biggest piece of advice I can give you is to date at your own pace. You don’t need – nor are you generally expected to – to be in love within three dates. It’s OK to date people you generally like and enjoy spending time with even if you’re not feeling the hearts and cartoon birds feelings yet. Just be upfront with them that you take time to really connect with someone. Let them know that this is how you work and give them the option to decide whether that’s something they’d want to opt-in for.
As for platonic friends you get crushes on: it’s cool. Crushes happen. The problem with the Platonic Best Friend Backdoor Gambit is when you’re not genuinely friends with them and are only waiting for that moment of weakness you can exploit. You can have a crush on someone without needing to do something about it. You’re welcome to just enjoy that feeling without taking it as an imperative to turn it into something more. If you’re not trying to force a friendship into a relationship, then odds are nobody will really make a fuss about it or throw accusations of your trying to Nice Girl your way into their pants. If it becomes an issue: again, just be up front. Take ownership of it: “hey, listen, I think you’re really cool and I’ve sorta developed this crush on you. It’s not a big deal, it’s not something you need to respond to and I really enjoy being your friend. It’s just something that happens to me on occasion.”
They’ll take their lead from you: if you don’t treat it as something shameful or awkward, then they won’t treat it that way either.
Dear Dr. NerdLove,
Why does seem not ok to reject a girl’s offer of friendship after a failed romantic gesture?
I don’t mean forcing a woman into a romantic situation but rather saying, “No, I really don’t want to have a friendship with you. I respect your decision not be romantic but I don’t think that friendship would be a good for me.” I’ve tried to explain that I don’t feel we’re entering on equal grounds into the friendship, that the woman is dictating the terms of the friendship. Moreover, that in order to not cross her boundaries I have to become emotionally and sexually repressive, which leads to being emotionally cut to the other person and to waves of frustration.
In addition, I’m an Asian male so the playing the friend role makes me feel like I’m living in a cultural stereotype.
Yet, consistently, I’ve been told that I’m being unfair or that I’m obligating them into a romantic situation. I feel like I’ve become the bad guy in a way I don’t understand. By not accepting their offer of friendship, I’ve pressured them into a role they don’t want to play. So the reverse happens, I am now pressured into a role I don’t want to play or feel is demeaning to my person. I feel I’ve become morally obligated to be repressed, that I have to willing acknowledge that what I want doesn’t matter.
Trying to Avoid The Friend Zone
Just as someone isn’t required to date you, you’re not required to be their friend if that’s not what you’re looking for. The only thing is to be upfront without being rude.
I suspect that there are lines of communication being crossed here, TATFZ. If you’re presenting it the way you say: that you think they’re an awesome person, but you don’t think you could be their friend in good faith and so you’re pulling back, then it really shouldn’t be an issue. You’re being upfront and sincere and hopefully not giving the impression that you think that friendship with them is the conciliation prize. It should be fairly cut and dry.
So either you’re not quite sending the message you think you are, or somewhere along the lines, somebody is hearing “You’re awesome but we’re not going to work as friends, peace out Cub Scout” and deciding that this is some sort of pressure tactic without any real reason to do so.
If you’re suddenly being incredibly cold to them… well, I can understand why they might feel like you’re trying to do a relationship equivalent of the freeze out, especially if they’re someone you interact with on a regular basis or someone you might have been friends with prior to asking them out. In that case, you may need to explain in a little more detail that you’re going to have to pull back for a while so that you aren’t frustrating yourself or putting pressure on them and that it’s about you, not them.
If not and it really is that they just don’t want you leaving on your terms or want you sticking around even when it’s going to be painful to you, that’s their damage, not yours.
In general however, I’d suggest leaving out the bit about women dictating the terms of the friendship. I realize that you mean that you feel that the relationship would be one-sided, but the way you’re saying it is never going to come across as anything other than a “fuck you for rejecting me.”