To the illustrious Doctor of Nerd Love,
Bear with me, I’ve got a complicated problem.
During my freshman year of college, I was in a one month long relationship with a… I’ll just go with intellectual. We broke up on the grounds of race (I was the forbidden white girlfriend) but we had gotten along perfectly well beforehand. I’m a junior now and we had discussed getting back together over the summer, but decided against it on the grounds that he wanted to pursue a relationship with another girl and he felt like he would regret it if he didn’t try.
Last night we chatted on Facebook and this morning I received a message from him that confuses me and quite frankly pisses me off a little.
He says he misses me and wants to be open to dating again. But he makes it clear that he’s not asking me out. I don’t know what he wants and I’m starting to think that his attempted relationship with the other girl never got off the ground and now he’s running back to where he might have a chance.
He always had a problem that our past relationship jumped from us being casual friends (we were in the same club) to dating. He seems to think that relationships should start by creeping in through the friend zone, when it usually doesn’t work out in your favor if you go that route. I’m not interested in being second banana to anyone and I really hate being jerked around like this. He’s really nice and smart otherwise, but his over-analyzing and attempts to sound righteous and poetic in his message just leaves me feeling confused and manipulated instead of persuading me to his side.
Help a nerd girl out? I don’t know what to do now. I suppose I would like to keep him as a friend but I don’t know how to reject this proposal gently.
Thanks,
That Chick with the Confusing Ex
I hate to say it, CwtCE, but you’re pretty much right: You’re more or less his rebound choice. You’re also right to be pissed. Hell, you should feel insulted.
Being dumped on account of race was bad enough. Being told that “Yeah, I like you and all, but I really need to chase this other opportunity first because I think she’d be better,” is worse.
Having him come back and tell you “Hey, hotter choice didn’t work out, wanna go out again?” is a really dick move.
But frankly, his being passive-aggressive about it is adding insult to injury.
You see, CwtCE, his whole spiel about how he’s open to dating again but he’s not asking you out is basically his way of trying to have things both ways. He wants you back, yeah, but he’s apparently too chicken to just straight up tell you he wants you back and beg you for a second chance. Instead, what he’s doing is basically throwing out a baited hook and trying to see if you’ll bite or not. After all, why put yourself out there and risk rejection when you can just see if your back-up, your “in case of relationship emergency break glass” choice is willing to do all the hard work for you?
It’s a variation on classic “nice guy” behavior – he’s avoiding the responsibility of taking action by putting the onus of the decision making on you, just as classic nice guys keep hoping that time and proximity will make their best “friend” realize just how in love she is with him rather than going through the motions of asking her out.
The only slack I’m willing to cut this guy is that I don’t think he understands what he’s actually saying. I’m fairly certain that in his mind, he thinks he’s being high-minded and noble; he’s knows you’ve been pining away for him1 but he doesn’t want to pressure you into leaping straight back into his loving arms. So he’s letting you know he’s open to getting back together – so, so generous of him – if you’re willing to give it a chance.
I don’t think he knows on a conscious level that he’s treating you like his safety school in his college applications, but that doesn’t really take the sting out of it, does it?
I don’t think that letting him down easily is the right course of action here. Sometimes folks need to be beaten with the Chair Leg of Truth and the Clue-By-Four of Sense, and you’re in a perfect position to do so, otherwise he’s never going to learn. I would suggest telling him – bluntly – how you feel: that you resent feeling like you’re his rebound choice after his last dream girl went nowhere, and that if he really wanted to get back together, he should be begging you for a second chance instead of trying to tell you in flowery language to chase him instead. If he wants to stay friends and maybe, maybe have a chance at getting back together, he should apologize for coming off like an asshole and start thinking about what he really wants.
And to be perfectly honest, you were together for a month before you broke up. This wasn’t exactly the relationship to last the ages, and Mr. Wonderful doesn’t seem like he’s learned anything in the last couple years that would make things better this time around. I think you can do better, CwtCE.
And just as an aside: I’m not surprised he’s hung up about the whole “Have to sneak in through the Friend Zone” idea towards dating. Too many nerds romanticize the hell out of the Friend Zone. It makes them the hero of their own tragic story as they suffer the slings and arrows of unrequited love, rather than a geek who can’t get past the idea that perhaps someone doesn’t find them attractive.
Sometimes relationships start because you were friends first and gradually realized you were in love. Sometimes they start as one-night stands that just never ended. Sometimes relationships start because one person said “Enh, I’ll give it a shot,” and it worked. It doesn’t matter how they start; it only matters how they work.
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