Hey DrNerd Love, loving all the amazing life lessons, lets hope u can help me with my dilemma.
My issue is less of a problem and more me being confused. First back story, in high school, i have no issue talking or communicating with girls, in fact my best friends in the world are girls. i feel the closest to them and have had sleep overs and get togethers, something that i have not done with my guy friends in a while. A while ago they brought up that they think i could be gay or bi, there reasons for this was my calm, sweet and feminine like personality, my best friends are girls and other small points.
At first i dismissed it, but as the weeks/months went on i started to wonder if there was any truth to this. I know im not gay because of my attraction to girls, but could i be bi-sexual or is the only reason im thinking of this because they brought it up.
With this being said my second question is, how can a guy like me who is described by quite a few people as a cute feminine like guy get a girl, i spend most my time with girls and i don’t want to send the message that i am a girl so stay away. I know this is not a normal question but i was hoping u could help with your usual dose of helpful advice.
MaybeBiShyGuy
Bisexuality is a surprisingly loaded topic for folks in the love-and-sex-advice-giving biz. For straight people – especially straight guys on online dating sites – bisexuality is generally interpreted to mean “I’ll fuck anything at any time”, which leads to girls who self-identify as bi on dating sites to be deluged with requests for threesomes. Gays and lesbian communities, on the other hand, can be oddly adversarial to bisexuals of both genders; bi women are sometimes accused of being attention whores or just out-and-out sluts, while bi guys are told that they’re really just at a stopping point on the way to admitting that they’re just gay and in denial. Meanwhile, bisexuals are often acutely defensive with regards to indications of biphobia, especially accusations that they don’t exist or that they’re an otherwise transitory position on the Kinsey scale.
It can end up being a catch-22 of advice; if you don’t walk a razor-thin line, you end up pissing someone off.
That being said, hey, I’m nothing if not an equal-opportunity offender, so here we go.
You’re not bisexual, MBSG. You’re pretty much 100% straight.
Also: your friends are idiots.
Being a feminine guy – either in looks or personality (whatever the hell that means) – isn’t an indication of sexual orientation. Neither is having mostly female friends or those other small points. They most likely think you’re gay because a) the aforementioned idiocy and b) you’re not actively trying to fuck them the way that they seem to assume most guys would. Either that or they have some really odd ideas about what being bisexual is, which says more for the state of sex ed in this country. But then again, who knows; you may just be a straight guy who gives off a gay vibe. I’ve known plenty of guys who are – for lack of a better term – false pings on the ol’ gaydar.
In any case, put it out of your mind. You said it yourself: you’re attracted to women, and the only reason you even think about it is because they brought it up. So unless you’re finding moments when in the middle of a True Blood-inspired jerk off session you’ve quit thinking about Anna Paquin and started fantasizing about Ryan Kwanten or Nelsan Ellis instead (and really, who could blame you?), it’s safe to say that your sexuality isn’t really in question.
Personally, I’d say you could always use this as an opportunity for them to test how gay you really are/aren’t by letting you play with their boobs, but I’m kind of a dick like that.
Now as for how a feminine looking dude can get a girlfriend… well, can I assume you’ve never heard of the phrase “pretty boy”? Or “bishonen”?
Frankly, androgynous or feminine looking guys are like catnip to a large portion of the female population… and that segment is growing in influence. Notice how the current matinee idols have changed over the years; the square-jawed men of the 80s and 90s have turned into the more androgynous gamines of today. Taylor Lautner may be proud of his six-pack abs, but all of those female Twihards out there (and a sizable number of the male ones) are noticing his pouty lips and wide-set eyes. Justin Timberlake isn’t exactly the hairy-chested love-god of years past either, and yet he’s plowed his way through some of Hollywood’s hottest with great abandon.
Spending time with girls and looking a little girly yourself – and I’m assuming that you’re not so femme looking as to be honestly mistaken for a girl – isn’t going to keep girls away. You’re just going to have to make sure that you’re not the nice passive guy that girls want as their platonic BFF and make the first move yourself.