Advice Archives - Paging Dr. NerdLove

Why Do Women Love “Himbos”?

March 31, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

One of the topics that comes up the most often when it comes to dating advice is, paradoxically, the one that folks get wrong the most often: “what do women find attractive in men?”

This is an evergreen subject (ahem), in no small part because of how often guys buy into mistaken ideas about what women find attractive… ideas that are spread by other men. Whether it’s the idea that only men who’re 6′ tall can get dates, the myth of “attraction switches” that were installed by evolution or even just the idea that only the most jacked, alpha males get laid, guys are more prone to listen to other straight dudes about what women want than they are to listen to actual women. Even when women have said “no, actually, we like these things,” men disregard them because… well, because it doesn’t line up with their ideas about attractiveness.

woman yelling in a bullhorn at a man who's ignoring her — “So like I was saying, if you want women to be into you, you’ve gotta treat ’em mean to keep ’em keen. Alphas never let women get comfortable, y’dig?”

Then on Sunday, Brendan Fraser started trending on Twitter, just because people wanted to gush over the actor and his movies, which immediately pivoted to discussions of The Mummy and George of the Jungle and just how damn hot people thought he was.

The discussion quickly moved to the topic of himbos and the women who love them, in no small part because George of the Jungle is the platonic ideal of the himbo, in a movie that has absolutely no shame in catering to the female gaze. But the discussion covered far more than just how good Brendan Fraser looks…

Yes, we get it, you’re objectively handsome on top of being stupidly talented and having superb comedic timing, GOD.

…but about the reasons why so many himbos are beloved.

Of course, not being one to miss an opportunity to instantly date a column by tying it to a trending topic, I have thoughts on this topic. Because once you get past the initial thirst-posting and memes, there are valuable lessons to learn about what women actually value in a man… if guys are willing to listen.

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What Does It Mean To Be Strong?

February 10, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to be strong, lately. Not in the physical sense, but what it means to be emotionally and mentally strong. The idea that people today — men especially — are “weaker” or “can’t handle it” is tossed around with gleeful abandon. In fact, the underlying conflict of Cobra Kai is, at its core, about the nature of strength and what it takes to become strong. In fact, much of it is rooted in the idea of “the world is an awful place and I will make you strong so you can survive”.

You can see this outlook all over the place if you make even a cursory glance on Twitter or Facebook, but especially media on the right. Folks rage about people “being pussies” for telling people what their pronouns are and, of course, the neverending outrage over “political correctness”.

Or, as most of us call it, “not being an asshole”.

You see this in sports, when football players are lauded for playing with injuries or in the pushback against trying to reign in CTE. You see it with folks — mostly men — who get called “weak” or told they’re a pussy for saying “this is too much, I need to step away or go to therapy“. People complain about how hazing has been restricted or banned and what this means for social organizations like fraternities. And of course, you can find it all over the place online, from in-game chat, on forums, Twitter, Facebook and so on. It gets cast as “trolling” or “trash talk”, while people who object are told to “suck it up,” “grow a thicker skin,” and that “trash talking and harassment is a vital part of the culture“. And of course, there’s the ever-popular “facts don’t care about your feelings”, “soy boy” and the classic “snowflake”.

People will insist that this is a good thing. That people today just aren’t as tough as those who came before. That we’re creating a world of weak, privileged, pampered infants.

In reality, it’s an excuse. It becomes a way to justify abuse and having been abused.

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5 Ways to Build An Amazing Life in 2021

January 8, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

It’s not really a stretch to say that 2020 was one of the most challenging years in living memory for… well, pretty much any of us. But it was also an unprecedented and uniquely difficult year for relationships — for single people and for folks who were coupled up or in poly relationships. People who were single often found themselves feeling locked out of dating. After all, the COVID-19 pandemic and lockdown meant that a lot of the usual ways of meeting people were off limits, and most traditional dates were either impossible or severely restricted.

Partnered folks, on the other hand often found that the quarantine — especially for couples who were quarantined together 24/7 — put their relationship through levels of stress they had never experienced before. And of course, if you were non-monogamous, it often meant that you could no longer see partners you weren’t living with.

Almost everyone has come out of 2020 feeling isolated, overwhelmed and disconnected. Lots of people felt themselves backsliding in their progress, and others have been wrestling with feelings of futility and hopelessness.

But it doesn’t need to be that way.

Now I’ll freely admit: I’m pretty firmly in the camp of “New Year’s Resolutions are bullshit”. I think the concept of “new year, new me” encourages people to bite off more than they can chew. People set themselves up for failure with implausible expectations and end up making themselves feel worse when they can’t achieve the impossible… before repeating the cycle the next year. 2020 was already a year-long hangover; adding the pressure of trying to make up for a lost year just adds to the potential misery and frustration.

But that doesn’t mean that you can’t turn things around and set yourself up for success in 2021. The key to building an amazing life in 2021 is to make the right changes — the changes that will actually give you the greatest overall benefit. So rather than worrying about how to lose 20 pounds or make a point of doing a thousand approaches, let’s talk about the 5 things you can do that will get you ready for the new year… and every year afterwards.

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Episode #152 — This Is What Nobody Tells You About Having ADHD

October 7, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Growing up, I knew I was struggling with things that other people seemed to be able to do without a second thought. I thought I was just lazy, that I needed to be more disciplined and to take things more seriously. But it never worked, and I never understood why.

Now, after a lifetime of searching, I finally have the answers.

This week, I want to talk with you about my experiences with having been diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, how it can affect you and your relationships, and my experiences with getting diagnosed and getting treated.

Here’s what happened.

SHOW HIGHLIGHTS:

What people get wrong about ADHD
Why so many people don’t get diagnosed or treated when they need it
How having ADHD can affect your confidence and your relationships
Why people with ADHD have anxiety and depression
How getting treatment has changed my life

…and so much more.

RELATED LINKS:

Overcome Your Fear of Rejection – https://www.doctornerdlove.com/overcome-your-fear-of-rejection/

Top 5 Dating Mistakes — https://www.doctornerdlove.com/top-5-dating-mistakes/

This is What Happened After I Tried Meditation for 30 Days — https://www.doctornerdlove.com/this-is-what-happened-after-30-days-of-meditation/

You Must Unlearn What You Have Learned — https://www.doctornerdlove.com/how-to-unlearn-what-you-have-learned/

When It’s Time To Ask For Help — https://www.doctornerdlove.com/when-its-time-to-ask-for-help/

ADHD In Adults — https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-in-adults/

Listen Here
Download Here

Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher, Spotify and on YouTube.

Like the podcast? Become a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

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How To Unlearn What You Have Learned

July 13, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

One of the hardest things you can do — that anyone can do, really — is to try to unlearn something.

Especially something that you aren’t even aware that you’ve learned.

This sounds like an impossibility; how can you have learned something without being aware of having learned it? But in practice, it’s like the old David Foster Wallace talk This Is Water; you aren’t aware of it because we have been swimming in it for all of our lives.

And so it is with a host of toxic ideas about life, about manhood and masculinity, about women, even about how to live and behave. You have. I have. Everyone who lives in society has. It’s something that we have all been born into, something we’ve been so immersed in for so long that almost everyone is unaware of it and many folks push back when it’s pointed out to them.

Even people who become aware of all of those beliefs and lessons we’ve learned over time — myself most certainly included — can still buy into them. It’s not just a question of being aware of having learned these lessons. It’s about trying to unlearn them… and, in the process, replace them with the right ones.

But it’s a difficult process… and one that often leaves you frustrated, even angry at times. It’s one that we each have to go through, and if any of us do so with good faith, we have to do so without expecting a reward or even congratulations. And it requires looking at aspects of ourselves that we often aren’t comfortable with. Like Luke Skywalker in Empire Strikes Back, we often have to come face to face with the fact that sometimes the thing we’re struggling with the most is ourselves.

But the fact that it’s not easy points to just how important it is to do it; for yourself and others. Like trying to turn the Titanic, the sooner you start, the more likely you are to avoid the iceberg.

So let’s talk about unlearning what you have learned.