• Archives
  • Submit A Dating Question
  • The Secret Origin of Dr. NerdLove
  • Dr. NerdLove Store
  • Dr. NerdLove’s Affiliate Store

Paging Dr. NerdLove

Love, Sex and Dating For The Modern Nerd

Search The Archives

  • Books
  • Podcasts
  • The Grimes Test
  • Ask Dr. NerdLove
  • The Basics
  • Private Coaching
  • Submit A Dating Question

Break Out Of Your Box

May 4, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Let’s talk about change and why growth can feel so difficult. When you’re trying to build a life for yourself – or build a new and better one – it can feel as though you have few options and even fewer that actually work. This is especially true when it feels like all of the paths in front of you “just aren’t you, man.”

Animated clip from The Simpsons of Ned Flanders' parents. Text reads: "We've tried nothing, and we're all out of ideas"
And that’s assuming you’ve actually started in the first place.

Now sometimes this means that the problem is that you’re letting your self-limiting beliefs get in the way of your own success. Other times, however, the problem is that we’re so hung up on trying to fit into a particular mold or box that we don’t realize that this box never fit in the first place… and never will.

This is actually more common than you’d think. One of the worst habits that people fall into is that we let ourselves be bound up by “rules” — rules that don’t actually exist, but that we set up for ourselves and follow anyway. These rules, such as they are, narrow our ways of thinking and create artificial limits on ourselves. They force us into false choices and prevent us from seeing alternatives that may work better for us. We end up seeing things in exactly one way and, if that way isn’t a good fit for us or doesn’t work out – especially right from the start – we assume that we’re failing at them.

What we never seem to realize is that we’re so busy trying to break ourselves into pieces and sand off bits of ourselves to fit into a particular box, we never stop to think that maybe the box is the problem, not us. In those moments we are, for all intents and purposes, passively accepting a framing that limits us. We end up in a trap of looking at other people’s path to success and assuming that it’s the only option, without considering that maybe this isn’t actually true. We’re so used to assuming that we need to fit into a particular mold or that our choices are so limited that there’s really no way to succeed. So our choices seem to be either try to magically become a completely different person… or accept that there’s no hope and we should just give up.

Instead, what we often need to do is to take a page from one James Tiberius Kirk.

Animated gif from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn. Kirk looks off camera, saying "I don't believe in "no-win" scenarios
When in doubt, break shit and hope for the best… no wait…

If it seems like we’ve stuck ourselves in a no-win situation, then it’s time to change the rules and find alternatives. Restricting yourself to that narrow box hasn’t worked and won’t work. So it’s time to break out of the box.

 If you feel like you aren’t winning or you can’t win… sometimes what you need is to change the rules.

Here’s how.

[Read more…]

How To Stay Positive (Even When Everything Is Awful)

March 23, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

One of the keys to any sort of self-improvement, emotional resilience, even just making progress in your own development is also one of the least appreciated: knowing how to perservere, even when the world seems to be falling apart. In fairness, trying to stay positive and how to keep your head up, even when it feels pointless and hopeless, can feel like being told “just keep going, just keep grinding” or toxic positivity. And honestly, it’s hard to feel like there’s hope in the world right now.  Just look at… well, everything.

Figure in ragged hoodie, gas-mask and hazmat gear wanders in an orange-colored post-apocalyptic wasteland
🎶 I don’t want to set the world on fiiiiiiiire… I just want to start a flame in your heart… 🎶

Every day, we read more about assaults on people’s right to choose, politicians using trans kids and LGBTQ people as punching bags to stir up their base and survive primary challenges, we’re entering the third year of a global pandemic and Russia’s invasion of Ukraine has heralded the return of the looming threat of global thermonuclear war. Oh also the Nazis are back.

animated gif from Rise of Skywalker. Oscar Isaac as Poe Dameron speaking to a crowd. Text reads: "Somehow, Palpatine returned"
OH COME ON…

Of course, the world doesn’t have to be on the brink of WWIII to feel as though there’s no hope. You can have enough heartbreak, struggle and setbacks in your own life to feel as though all hope is lost, regardless of the rest of the world. But whether you’re living through a global crisis, local upheaval or even your own personal long dark teatime of the soul, it’s easy to surrender to despair. It can feel like there’s no point to anything.

But it doesn’t have to. Sometimes the bravest and strongest thing you can do is simply refuse to give up hope. Here’s how to keep hope alive… even when your world is falling apart.

[Read more…]

Can I Still Find A Relationship When I’m HIV+?

December 10, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:  I don’t know how much you know about gay relationships, but I’m ready to give up and declare myself a “confirmed bachelor,” a quaint term that I might just reinvigorate.

I’m 43 and ethnically East Indian. Also I’m HIV positive and undetectable. That means I take regular meds that reduces the virus count in my system to a level where I cannot infect a sexual partner, especially if they are also on Prep, which is based on one of the three medications I take.

I realized I was attracted to men when I was 17. I came out to my friends first, then my family, slowly. It turned out better than I expected though not to the point where I would be bringing a long term partner home for Ramadan, for everyone’s sake. When I came out in the late ‘90’s I was the only Indian person in the youth group I joined, gay bars and clubs, or in the university LGBT clubs which I was a leader.

I was different (unique) but I assumed I would eventually find a partner and get a dog, house, and live happily ever after. Instead, I’m contemplating a life of being alone. I’m wondering if it’s still even possible to find a partner anymore, or if I even want one.

First, the race issue. Most people I deal in everyday life with are not inherently racist. There are lots of younger Indian gays in the gay village these days. It’s almost fashionable to have an “ethnic boyfriend.” Television and movies have normalized it, but not porn, which still fetishized it as a fringe “dominate the ethnic” fetish. I bring this up because of the dominance of porn and Grindr in the hookup world. I never experienced racism in normal life until I signed up for Grindr and received a torrent of “Not into Asians” or just no response at all when I initiate a conversation.

Wait, you say. Grindr is just for hooking up, if you want a real relationship try a dating site, clubs or other activities. Yes, but my HIV status scares off most “normal” guys on those sites. We might connect on geeky interests, even have sexual attraction, but my status almost always puts a wrench in things.

How did I become HIV positive, you might ask? Well, in my quest to find someone special I started exploring the fetish scene. For the most part, the leather and bondage scene is openminded, healthy, and supportive of any kink or fetish, regardless of race or body type, as long as you are down for it.

However, hand in hand with fetish scene, for me, came recreational drugs. The drugs sanded off the nervous edges, made me more open to trying new things with people I wouldn’t normally be into. But it quickly lead to a catch-22 where the only people I’d hook up with were into the “Party and play” scene, and it took drugs for me to find them hot. Even when we met, I could rarely get hard because a part of my brain was screaming “this is fucked up and you are not enjoying this.”

So I would spend hours on Grindr looking for someone to hook up with, they would come over, we would spend time finding drugs to get high, get high, and then spend even more time looking for other guys who wanted drugs for a group where often nothing would happen because we were too distracted by the next hot by on Grindr. I wasted many weekends and even missed work on this pointless pursuit.

Then the pandemic helped, I no longer “parTy” nor play, but now I’m in this conundrum. I’m still not attractive to the “normal” relationship-worthy guys that I like, and I quickly shut down anyone who suggests the PnP scenario. It doesn’t leave me with much choice other than celibacy. What can I do to change this formula?

Total Catch-22

[Read more…]

How to Be Someone People Love To Talk To

October 27, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

We talk a lot about the importance of developing your social skills. However, one of the mistakes I see people make over and over again is how often they focus on the flashier skills; the ones that seem bigger or more impressive. People will, for example, get hung up on all the possible ways of approaching someone at a bar, or in the street or at a coffeeshop. But while those skills seem impressive, they’re actually far less important than people realize.

In fact, people get so focused on the flash that they neglect one of the most undervalued social skills imaginable: being a good conversationalist.

No. Seriously. While making approaches or taking people home gets all the attention, being a sterling conversationalist is what makes everything work. What do you think happens after you make the approach? What do you do to get them to want to stick around? The men who do the best with women are men who people love to talk to. If you don’t know how to engage someone intellectually and emotionally, you’re not going to engage with them physically either.

After all, almost every woman alive has been on dates with dudes who spend the entire time talking at them, not with them. Worse, they tend to run into the ones who only want to talk about themselves and never show the slightest interest in their dates.

Side view portrait of laughing Asian couple enjoying date in cafe
Look, if you want to get in her bed, get in her head first.

The truth is that good conversation is a powerful tool. Most of my jobs and my relationships have come about because I’ve had a great time talking with people I’ve just met. A good friend of mine would fall in love with someone specifically because she had amazing conversations with them. Being able to connect with folks on an intimate and intense level is an invaluable skill to have.

Whether you’re networking, making friends or looking for love, being a great conversationalist is a skill you can’t afford to neglect. So let’s talk about what makes you someone people love to talk to.

[Read more…]

The Surprising Secret to Getting Dates on Dating Apps

October 13, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

As someone who’s been active on the Internet since 1994 — before there was a World Wide Web, even — I’ve seen a lot of changes over time. Few, however, have been as significant as the way that online dating has changed. I have seen things you wouldn’t believe. Spring Street Personals, shared across Salon and The Onion. Paying to send messages and buying “roses” to send instead of likes, winks and pokes. I watched major dating sites become infested with zombie accounts and new ones populated entirely with fake profiles and bots.

Screenshot of Roy Batty during the "Tears in the Rain" speech
All these moments will be lost in time, like AngelFire servers in the rain…

People’s approach to online dating has changed as well, especially as the rise of the swipe apps have taken over. Tinder may have helped bring online dating into the mainstream, it also changed the game. While the swipe-right/swipe-left mechanic has increased engagement, it’s also changed how people relate to dating apps… and the way people use them. However, while the apps may have changed, people’s misconceptions about online dating have remained stubbornly the same. In fact, their frustration has only increased, in no small part because the way people use dating apps is increasingly counter-productive.

Quite frankly, the people who use the apps the most are using them wrong. In fact, those misconceptions about how online dating works and the swipe mechanic coincide to make it harder to meet people.

However, the core reason why people struggle with dating apps comes from a very common mistake. The folks who have the most success with online dating understand a core truth that others don’t. If you want to actually get matches, responses and dates on the apps, then you need to make one simple change…

Get off the apps!

Surprise!

“What the actual fuck are you on about, Doc?”

As absurd as this sounds, getting off the apps and out into the world will turbocharge your dating life and improve your results from Tinder, Hinge and more.

Sound strange? Well, let’s talk about what people get wrong about online dating… and how to fix it.

[Read more…]

Next Page »

About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

Connect With Dr. NerdLove

  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • RSS
  • Twitter
  • YouTube

Categories

Like Us On Facebook

Facebook Pagelike Widget

Become a Dr. NerdLove Patron

Virtual Tip Jar

private coaching is available at doctornerdlove.com/private-coaching

Out Now!

My new dating guide, New Game + is available at Amazon.com , iTunes and everywhere books are sold.

Recent Comments

  • Will S. Oh my Transient Friend, I've been there, twice in a row with workmates - it was like reading a part of my own life story! My best advice would be just stop messaging her and move on immedialtey. If...

    I Was A Nice Guy And It Backfired. How Do I Win My Friend Back? ·  June 26, 2022

  • Belinda I had a f**k buddy situation in college for six months and I was completely infatuated with the guy. I wanted some much more for him, which he was well aware of. He did ask me to hang out, which I did...

    My Boyfriend’s Kink Turns Me Off. What Do I Do? ·  June 26, 2022

  • fuzzilla On the one hand, it might have kept me stuck and not fully open to dating someone else (and I did date other people, but maybe I wasn’t as “all in” as I could have been). On the other hand, it...

    My Boyfriend’s Kink Turns Me Off. What Do I Do? ·  June 26, 2022

  • Belinda It was an eye-opening experience. One I kind of wish I didn't have. I mean, a good number of these guys were my buddies. They were flirtatious with me and I of course assumed there were other women...

    I Was A Nice Guy And It Backfired. How Do I Win My Friend Back? ·  June 26, 2022

  • Belinda "To wait for the guy to volunteer more before giving him the world." Or don't treat him like your boyfriend unless he's your boyfriend. Idk. I am not a fan of FWBs. Hooking up a couple of times, fine....

    My Boyfriend’s Kink Turns Me Off. What Do I Do? ·  June 26, 2022

Popular Posts

What Couples Can Learn From Gomez and Morticia AddamsWhat Couples Can Learn From Gomez and Morticia Addams
Socially Awkward Isn’t An ExcuseSocially Awkward Isn’t An Excuse
Nerds and Male PrivilegeNerds and Male Privilege
On Labeling Women “Crazy”On Labeling Women “Crazy”
When Masculinity Fails MenWhen Masculinity Fails Men

Archives

Tags

abusive relationships ask dr. nerdlove attraction be a better man be a better person boundaries break up cheating communication confidence dating Don't Be A Creeper emotional abuse emotional health emotional intelligence flirting level up lifestyle masculinity meeting men Meeting Women mental health online dating podcast podcasts rejection relationship drama relationship maintenance relationships self-confidence self-esteem self-improvement self-limiting beliefs sex sexual compatibility sexuality skills social skills talking to women the friend zone toxic masculinity toxic relationships use your words virginity youtube