Advice Archives

The Surprising Secret to Getting Dates on Dating Apps

October 13, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

As someone who’s been active on the Internet since 1994 — before there was a World Wide Web, even — I’ve seen a lot of changes over time. Few, however, have been as significant as the way that online dating has changed. I have seen things you wouldn’t believe. Spring Street Personals, shared across Salon and The Onion. Paying to send messages and buying “roses” to send instead of likes, winks and pokes. I watched major dating sites become infested with zombie accounts and new ones populated entirely with fake profiles and bots.

Screenshot of Roy Batty during the "Tears in the Rain" speech — All these moments will be lost in time, like AngelFire servers in the rain…

People’s approach to online dating has changed as well, especially as the rise of the swipe apps have taken over. Tinder may have helped bring online dating into the mainstream, it also changed the game. While the swipe-right/swipe-left mechanic has increased engagement, it’s also changed how people relate to dating apps… and the way people use them. However, while the apps may have changed, people’s misconceptions about online dating have remained stubbornly the same. In fact, their frustration has only increased, in no small part because the way people use dating apps is increasingly counter-productive.

Quite frankly, the people who use the apps the most are using them wrong. In fact, those misconceptions about how online dating works and the swipe mechanic coincide to make it harder to meet people.

However, the core reason why people struggle with dating apps comes from a very common mistake. The folks who have the most success with online dating understand a core truth that others don’t. If you want to actually get matches, responses and dates on the apps, then you need to make one simple change…

Get off the apps!

Surprise!

“What the actual *fuck* are you on about, Doc?”

As absurd as this sounds, getting off the apps and out into the world will turbocharge your dating life and improve your results from Tinder, Hinge and more.

Sound strange? Well, let’s talk about what people get wrong about online dating… and how to fix it.

[Read more…]

Why It’s So Difficult To Make Positive Changes

August 18, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Well, today was going to be a return to some practical topics. I’d been working on a column about approaching people and being able to talk to strangers. I had all my notes wrapped up, I had the rough outline ready to go… and then, well, you know how to make the gods laugh, right?

Two professional boxers fighting in the ring, one being punched in the face — (L) My Plans
(R) The Internet

I was somewhat amused when, as I was searching for one reference or another, I saw that Lifehacker ran a piece on talking to strangers. The timing was felicitous, the resources surprising and the comments… well the comments were about typical. Specifically, the genre of “not just no but hell no,” with the level of vehemence you would expect from a suggestion that, I dunno, people should try snorting ground up cockroaches or something.

Now what was interesting, to me, is how much people’s resistance to the idea that Talking To People Is Good, Actually came from a place of “I don’t like this, therefore it’s impossible and also bad.” And… honestly, it reminded me of so many people who actively resist concepts of hope and improvement and want to believe that life is pointless and “hope” is just “cope”. However, while that was an interesting germ of an idea for a piece, I had my plan. I had my notes. I was going to finally write this column about the structure of approaches so I could at least close the tabs in my research browser.

And then I watched ContraPoints’ latest video on the topic of envy. And one casual sentence that Natalie delivers, almost off-handedly, unlocked something in my brain:

“I wish more people could feel things without rushing to a ‘rational’ defense of the feeling.”

If there were ever a better description of what I see so very often in folks who struggle with making positive changes in their lives… well, I haven’t seen one yet. That set off a series of thoughts, observations and ideas and… well, look, universe, I can take a damn hint already. So the planned column got shelved for this one instead.

Because, if we’re all being honest, we’ve all had times when we’ve fought against doing things we know would likely make our lives better. We’ve all experienced that resistance to making changes, thrown up reason after reason why things wouldn’t work, and found “proof” after “proof” that the struggle was hopeless. But, as the saying goes: when God closes a door, you blow open a hole in the wall instead.

Sometimes the difference between success and failure isn’t about skill or having the right “technique”, it’s about knowing when to get out of your own damn way.

So let’s talk about why it can be so damn hard to make positive changes in your life… even when the status quo is making you miserable.

[Read more…]

Why Do Women Love “Himbos”?

March 31, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

One of the topics that comes up the most often when it comes to dating advice is, paradoxically, the one that folks get wrong the most often: “what do women find attractive in men?”

This is an evergreen subject (ahem), in no small part because of how often guys buy into mistaken ideas about what women find attractive… ideas that are spread by other men. Whether it’s the idea that only men who’re 6′ tall can get dates, the myth of “attraction switches” that were installed by evolution or even just the idea that only the most jacked, alpha males get laid, guys are more prone to listen to other straight dudes about what women want than they are to listen to actual women. Even when women have said “no, actually, we like these things,” men disregard them because… well, because it doesn’t line up with their ideas about attractiveness.

woman yelling in a bullhorn at a man who's ignoring her — “So like I was saying, if you want women to be into you, you’ve gotta treat ’em mean to keep ’em keen. Alphas never let women get comfortable, y’dig?”

Then on Sunday, Brendan Fraser started trending on Twitter, just because people wanted to gush over the actor and his movies, which immediately pivoted to discussions of The Mummy and George of the Jungle and just how damn hot people thought he was.

The discussion quickly moved to the topic of himbos and the women who love them, in no small part because George of the Jungle is the platonic ideal of the himbo, in a movie that has absolutely no shame in catering to the female gaze. But the discussion covered far more than just how good Brendan Fraser looks…

Yes, we get it, you’re objectively handsome on top of being stupidly talented and having superb comedic timing, GOD.

…but about the reasons why so many himbos are beloved.

Of course, not being one to miss an opportunity to instantly date a column by tying it to a trending topic, I have thoughts on this topic. Because once you get past the initial thirst-posting and memes, there are valuable lessons to learn about what women actually value in a man… if guys are willing to listen.

[Read more…]

What Does It Mean To Be Strong?

February 10, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to be strong, lately. Not in the physical sense, but what it means to be emotionally and mentally strong. The idea that people today — men especially — are “weaker” or “can’t handle it” is tossed around with gleeful abandon. In fact, the underlying conflict of Cobra Kai is, at its core, about the nature of strength and what it takes to become strong. In fact, much of it is rooted in the idea of “the world is an awful place and I will make you strong so you can survive”.

You can see this outlook all over the place if you make even a cursory glance on Twitter or Facebook, but especially media on the right. Folks rage about people “being pussies” for telling people what their pronouns are and, of course, the neverending outrage over “political correctness”.

Or, as most of us call it, “not being an asshole”.

You see this in sports, when football players are lauded for playing with injuries or in the pushback against trying to reign in CTE. You see it with folks — mostly men — who get called “weak” or told they’re a pussy for saying “this is too much, I need to step away or go to therapy“. People complain about how hazing has been restricted or banned and what this means for social organizations like fraternities. And of course, you can find it all over the place online, from in-game chat, on forums, Twitter, Facebook and so on. It gets cast as “trolling” or “trash talk”, while people who object are told to “suck it up,” “grow a thicker skin,” and that “trash talking and harassment is a vital part of the culture“. And of course, there’s the ever-popular “facts don’t care about your feelings”, “soy boy” and the classic “snowflake”.

People will insist that this is a good thing. That people today just aren’t as tough as those who came before. That we’re creating a world of weak, privileged, pampered infants.

In reality, it’s an excuse. It becomes a way to justify abuse and having been abused.

[Read more…]

5 Ways to Build An Amazing Life in 2021

January 8, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

It’s not really a stretch to say that 2020 was one of the most challenging years in living memory for… well, pretty much any of us. But it was also an unprecedented and uniquely difficult year for relationships — for single people and for folks who were coupled up or in poly relationships. People who were single often found themselves feeling locked out of dating. After all, the COVID-19 pandemic and lockdown meant that a lot of the usual ways of meeting people were off limits, and most traditional dates were either impossible or severely restricted.

Partnered folks, on the other hand often found that the quarantine — especially for couples who were quarantined together 24/7 — put their relationship through levels of stress they had never experienced before. And of course, if you were non-monogamous, it often meant that you could no longer see partners you weren’t living with.

Almost everyone has come out of 2020 feeling isolated, overwhelmed and disconnected. Lots of people felt themselves backsliding in their progress, and others have been wrestling with feelings of futility and hopelessness.

But it doesn’t need to be that way.

Now I’ll freely admit: I’m pretty firmly in the camp of “New Year’s Resolutions are bullshit”. I think the concept of “new year, new me” encourages people to bite off more than they can chew. People set themselves up for failure with implausible expectations and end up making themselves feel worse when they can’t achieve the impossible… before repeating the cycle the next year. 2020 was already a year-long hangover; adding the pressure of trying to make up for a lost year just adds to the potential misery and frustration.

But that doesn’t mean that you can’t turn things around and set yourself up for success in 2021. The key to building an amazing life in 2021 is to make the right changes — the changes that will actually give you the greatest overall benefit. So rather than worrying about how to lose 20 pounds or make a point of doing a thousand approaches, let’s talk about the 5 things you can do that will get you ready for the new year… and every year afterwards.

[Read more…]

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Why It’s So Difficult To Make Positive Changes

Why Do Women Love “Himbos”?

What Does It Mean To Be Strong?

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