• Archives
  • Contact Me
  • The Secret Origin of Dr. NerdLove
  • Dr. NerdLove Store
  • Dr. NerdLove’s Affiliate Store

Paging Dr. NerdLove

Love, Sex and Dating For The Modern Nerd

Search The Archives

  • Books
  • Podcasts
  • The Grimes Test
  • Ask Dr. NerdLove
  • The Basics
  • Private Coaching
  • Contact Me

5 Ways to Build An Amazing Life in 2021

January 8, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

It’s not really a stretch to say that 2020 was one of the most challenging years in living memory for… well, pretty much any of us. But it was also an unprecedented and uniquely difficult year for relationships — for single people and for folks who were coupled up or in poly relationships. People who were single often found themselves feeling locked out of dating. After all, the COVID-19 pandemic and lockdown meant that a lot of the usual ways of meeting people were off limits, and most traditional dates were either impossible or severely restricted.

Partnered folks, on the other hand often found that the quarantine — especially for couples who were quarantined together 24/7 — put their relationship through levels of stress they had never experienced before. And of course, if you were non-monogamous, it often meant that you could no longer see partners you weren’t living with.

Almost everyone has come out of 2020 feeling isolated, overwhelmed and disconnected. Lots of people felt themselves backsliding in their progress, and others have been wrestling with feelings of futility and hopelessness.

But it doesn’t need to be that way.

Now I’ll freely admit: I’m pretty firmly in the camp of “New Year’s Resolutions are bullshit”. I think the concept of “new year, new me” encourages people to bite off more than they can chew. People set themselves up for failure with implausible expectations and end up making themselves feel worse when they can’t achieve the impossible… before repeating the cycle the next year. 2020 was already a year-long hangover; adding the pressure of trying to make up for a lost year just adds to the potential misery and frustration.

“Could you… not type so loudly, Doc?”

But that doesn’t mean that you can’t turn things around and set yourself up for success in 2021. The key to building an amazing life in 2021 is to make the right changes — the changes that will actually give you the greatest overall benefit. So rather than worrying about how to lose 20 pounds or make a point of doing a thousand approaches, let’s talk about the 5 things you can do that will get you ready for the new year… and every year afterwards.

[Read more…]

Episode #152 — This Is What Nobody Tells You About Having ADHD

October 7, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Growing up, I knew I was struggling with things that other people seemed to be able to do without a second thought. I thought I was just lazy, that I needed to be more disciplined and to take things more seriously. But it never worked, and I never understood why.

Now, after a lifetime of searching, I finally have the answers.

This week, I want to talk with you about my experiences with having been diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, how it can affect you and your relationships, and my experiences with getting diagnosed and getting treated.

Here’s what happened.

SHOW HIGHLIGHTS:

  • What people get wrong about ADHD
  • Why so many people don’t get diagnosed or treated when they need it
  • How having ADHD can affect your confidence and your relationships
  • Why people with ADHD have anxiety and depression
  • How getting treatment has changed my life

…and so much more.

RELATED LINKS: 

Overcome Your Fear of Rejection – https://www.doctornerdlove.com/overcome-your-fear-of-rejection/

Top 5 Dating Mistakes — https://www.doctornerdlove.com/top-5-dating-mistakes/

This is What Happened After I Tried Meditation for 30 Days — https://www.doctornerdlove.com/this-is-what-happened-after-30-days-of-meditation/

You Must Unlearn What You Have Learned — https://www.doctornerdlove.com/how-to-unlearn-what-you-have-learned/

When It’s Time To Ask For Help — https://www.doctornerdlove.com/when-its-time-to-ask-for-help/

ADHD In Adults — https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-in-adults/

Listen Here
Download Here


Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher, Spotify and on YouTube.

Like the podcast? Become a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

[Read more…]

How To Unlearn What You Have Learned

July 13, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

One of the hardest things you can do — that anyone can do, really — is to try to unlearn something.

Especially something that you aren’t even aware that you’ve learned.

This sounds like an impossibility; how can you have learned something without being aware of having learned it? But in practice, it’s like the old David Foster Wallace talk This Is Water; you aren’t aware of it because we have been swimming in it for all of our lives.

And so it is with a host of toxic ideas about life, about manhood and masculinity, about women, even about how to live and behave. You have. I have. Everyone who lives in society has. It’s something that we have all been born into, something we’ve been so immersed in for so long that almost everyone is unaware of it and many folks push back when it’s pointed out to them.

Even people who become aware of all of those beliefs and lessons we’ve learned over time — myself most certainly included — can still buy into them. It’s not just a question of being aware of having learned these lessons. It’s about trying to unlearn them… and, in the process, replace them with the right ones.

But it’s a difficult process… and one that often leaves you frustrated, even angry at times. It’s one that we each have to go through, and if any of us do so with good faith, we have to do so without expecting a reward or even congratulations. And it requires looking at aspects of ourselves that we often aren’t comfortable with. Like Luke Skywalker in Empire Strikes Back, we often have to come face to face with the fact that sometimes the thing we’re struggling with the most is ourselves.

But the fact that it’s not easy points to just how important it is to do it; for yourself and others. Like trying to turn the Titanic, the sooner you start, the more likely you are to avoid the iceberg.

So let’s talk about unlearning what you have learned.

[Read more…]

Why Can’t He Stop Worrying About Being A Creeper?

March 9, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

Whenever I see women I’m attracted to, I often get in my head. Like, I start to think about how I could talk to her, but often, there’s some reason I shouldn’t, like she’s talking to someone else. And that gets me in my head to the point that even if something happens to make talking to her more ideal, I’m too in my head to talk to her.

The dominant cultural narrative seems to be “Just because she doesn’t say no, doesn’t mean she doesn’t mean it, because women are socialized to not say no, and because they don’t know how you’ll react to their rejection. Also, your intentions don’t matter, if she feels uncomfortable, it’s all your fault, and you are in the wrong, so you can’t determine specific actions that are wrong, it just depends on how she feels about it. Also, because you as a man have never lived in a woman’s shoes for a lifetime, you will never truly understand what it’s like, so the approach must also take into account this thing you can’t understand. Despite all of this, men are STILL expected to initiate and escalate.” When people talk about men being creepy or women being bombarded with approaches, there seems to be zero distinction between irritating and harmful given. And all of that scares me so much.

So, what do I do? I know women want to date and have sex, but all of this just puts me so much into my head.

Creepers Anonymous

[Read more…]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: When Is The Right Time To Approach Women?

April 20, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr NerdLove

First of all here’s a little background.

Due to some mental and physical health reasons I moved from my home to San Francisco where I am currently attending college. I have had little to no success with dating outside of a relationship I was in through OkCupid that ended about a year ago. I also used to do approaches at my old school with some friends of mine and we had some minor successes.

I saw your video on when and when not to flirt and I found it both informative and troubling. When I did used to do approaches I would almost exclusively do it at school, but since you said that doing that is normally seen as rude or bothersome I have been hesitant to try it here. The thing is when I’m at school is the only time I am around women on a daily basis. I can only go to bars once every two weeks or so because of my poor college kid financial situation. This has been taking a toll on my mental state in terms of provoking feelings of depression and self-hatred when I see a girl I find particularly attractive. I feel powerless and alone.

TL;DR: I wanna approach girls, because it feels like it’s the only thing I am doing that might work, and everything else I’ve been doing doesn’t. It is making me unhealthily sad. Please help.

Go, No-Go

[Read more…]

Next Page »

About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

Connect With Dr. NerdLove

  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • RSS
  • Twitter
  • YouTube

Categories

Like Us On Facebook

Facebook Pagelike Widget

Become a Dr. NerdLove Patron

Virtual Tip Jar

private coaching is available at doctornerdlove.com/private-coaching

Out Now!

My new dating guide, New Game + is available at Amazon.com , iTunes and everywhere books are sold.

Recent Comments

  • Jimmy Two-Hammers "But you seemed to be framing it that there was something less valid or missing the point about my opinion or those of others saying similar things because we weren't addressing what was kinder, so I...

    Our Relationship Had An Unhealthy Start. Can We Ever Move On? ·  January 16, 2021

  • Belinda I have to completely disagree with the response to the second letter. Flirting is not harmless. I mean, I guess it is if both of you are doing it without intent, but who on earth ever has that...

    Our Relationship Had An Unhealthy Start. Can We Ever Move On? ·  January 16, 2021

  • Enail No, there's no objective measure to these things and that is just my opinion, I don't think I was in any way implying that my opinion was objective - you'll note my many uses of the words "I think."...

    Our Relationship Had An Unhealthy Start. Can We Ever Move On? ·  January 16, 2021

  • Sue Having a partner you can't trust is about as bad as it gets. In his response to my discovery of the circumstantial evidence of the cheating, my ex proved to me that he could never be trusted to be...

    Our Relationship Had An Unhealthy Start. Can We Ever Move On? ·  January 16, 2021

  • Jimmy Two-Hammers "But it's very much a matter of opinion whether or not it is the kinder response" Okay, but that's your opinion. My take is that it IS the kinder response. However, I also don't think this is...

    Our Relationship Had An Unhealthy Start. Can We Ever Move On? ·  January 16, 2021

Popular Posts

What Couples Can Learn From Gomez and Morticia AddamsWhat Couples Can Learn From Gomez and Morticia Addams
Socially Awkward Isn’t An ExcuseSocially Awkward Isn’t An Excuse
Nerds and Male PrivilegeNerds and Male Privilege
On Labeling Women “Crazy”On Labeling Women “Crazy”
When Masculinity Fails MenWhen Masculinity Fails Men

Archives

Tags

abusive relationships ask dr. nerdlove attitude attraction be a better man be a better person boundaries break up cheating communication confidence dating Don't Be A Creeper emotional abuse emotional health emotional intelligence flirting level up lifestyle masculinity Meeting Women mental health oneitis online dating podcast podcasts rejection relationship maintenance relationships self-esteem self-improvement self-limiting beliefs sex sexual compatibility sexuality skills social skills talking to women the friend zone toxic masculinity toxic relationships use your words virginity what not to do youtube