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How Do I Date When I’m This Ugly?

February 24, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Dr NerdLove,

I’m reaching out to you because I feel like I’ve reached my wits end with trying to find a date or find a girl who’ll give me a chance despite my extreme ugliness.

Anyway, a little about myself, I’m 21 and I’m a University student living in the United Kingdom. I’m brown, short and ugly and no, please don’t think I have bad skin or that I’m obese; my problems aren’t really circulated around the things I do have control over, rather the things I don’t. I have a weird looking face, soft jaw and chin (growing a beard has helped there but it still doesn’t look that great), a bad eye area and a huge and crooked nose.

I’ve tried dating apps, since that’s the avenue most people my age take yet not avail. I don’t get matches with real people at all and my experience with online dating is practically harmonious with my real life experience. I’m just invisible.

Anyway, I just want some realistic and useful advice, I still do have a little bit of hope but it’s slowly slowly dwindling.

Thank you

Phantom of the Soccer Pitch

[Read more…]

We Only Just Met. Can We Make a Long Distance Relationship Work?

February 22, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

After a few years of non-dating, I (F, mid-30s from Denmark) bumped into this awesome British guy (M, mid-30s) and we just hit it off. It was one of those meetings that lasted 6-7 hours. We shared laughter, life stories, bad jokes, what we do for living (without overdoing it), shared pictures of family members (without going into details) and friends… it seemed effortless as if it was a marathon of several dates in the same time. He was even very honest about a job interview that he was invited to, a job located in London. At the end of the date, he told me that he would get in touch with me after his job interview to set up a new date if I was interested. I thought,”why not?” Nothing was settled in terms of job. And so he did. A week later, he came over for dinner and second date was just as fun and enjoyable. He mentioned about how the interview went, but I found it difficult to have the conversation. Partly because I don’t know him well enough to have an opinion, but of course I want to be supportive. London is fab. I use to live and work in London, so I totally understand him. But a part of me also felt bummed out about the whole situation. How far should we take this when he was leaving.

After the second date, he texted me that he got the job in London. I was happy for him and stayed cool. It was a bittersweet announcement. After a while, I thought why not just be an adult and I told him how I felt about the situation – we had an honest conversation, even though it was on a early stage to have that kind of serious talk. I wouldn’t have initiated it if he was staying, but he was not. That kind of made the decision for him not to get too engaged in that short of time that was left. But if he was staying, it would have been different. He was very emotional about it. So I told him that there was no pressure. If he wanted to see me fantastic, if he wanted to texted me after settling in London, he should feel free to do so. And if not, then I wished him the best of luck and that life would treat him well. I got an unexpectedly positive response to it. I quote “Thank you for your support and honesty. It’s a good quality in someone. I find it so sweet and mature of you. That is why I think you’re good egg. And it is a breath of fresh air” (followed by 3 emojis with heart eyes)

I saw him today just for a short moment. I tried to be neutral and smiley but avoided eye contact. I could see it was difficult for him as well. It was painful to see the sadness in his eyes because it should be an exciting time for him. He asked if we could catch up before him leaving permanently so he could say goodbye properly. 

I don’t know what to feel – it has been a rollercoaster of mixed feelings; hope, happiness, sadness, anxiety, stress and that is just me … and I keep telling myself that I should not feel like this way. I understand that he cannot deal with any emotionally attachments when he has lots of things going on (the fact that he is in between two jobs, arrange a safe transaction from one country to another during pandemic, etc.) I want to be priority too, and that will be difficult when he is busy and stressed about moving abroad, the flights are running irregularly, test and isolation, finding a place to stay, etc. 

But the selfish part of me wants more at some point. Is it possible? Yes, if both people are dedicated and that they have known each other for a while. I visit London often, both for work and pleasure. And it is even quicker and easier for me to travel to London than crossing Denmark. But we don’t know each other that well….

I don’t want to seem needy, or annoy the guy who is emotional at the moment even though he asked me to come visit, twice (it’s difficult to tell if the British mean this or just being polite). He has spend most of his adult life in DK, now he is going back home to built a new life and identity. Being supportive by giving space and stay incommunicado

Everything about him seems honest and decent.  He keeps promises, and you can tell a lot about a person over texting (full sentences, long messages with emojis, being honest about his feelings,  sharing great news like a new job) He said the same to me and wondered why we haven’t met earlier though we live quite close based on the good vibe and chemistry we had. 

I don’t know if it’s just because I haven’t been dating in a long time, or I get attached to quickly, have I misunderstood something because it is too good to be true… but I would love someone from the outside to give a qualified opinion.

 We both want to settle (yeah, before he was offered a job). He has been married before and he’d gotten divorced three years ago. Currently we live in Copenhagen, not too far away from each other. He has less then a month left in DK. He had been in a long distance relationship with someone in London. But it didn’t work out due to Covid. So he has had his share of bad relationships too. Honestly I don’t care about demography and geography if you share the same values and mindset.

International Love Affair

[Read more…]

We’re Growing Apart. What Do I Do?

February 19, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello Dr NerdLove!

I have an issue of, I guess, becoming less of a nerd. Let me explain: I (31f) have been married to my partner (35m) a few years now. When we started dating 7 years ago, we shared a lot of traits. Our best year together was when we lived abroad, worked in the same company so that our ”together-time” was during the lunch break, so then after work both of us played games for the rest of the day, separately or together.

Something changed after we bought an apartment though. Because it was ”my own nest”, I wanted to become more organized. I started pursuing more hobbies and dreamed of travel. You can see where this is going. I feel we have grown apart and there is nothing to talk about anymore. I guess my question is… how do I know when to break up? Or am I just being selfish?

There are a few things that make it difficult. On the one hand, he is the type to always be loyal and not let me go. I tried breaking up once and he just scoffed it off. Our day-to-day life together is good to ok. But I’ve started to feel better when I’m alone or with friends. He is also bad at communicating or being vulnerable; in important discussions he will become anxious and mix words up, and take multiple minutes to form words. He’s not very self-reflective either. I feel stuck. If I knew he’d get better at communicating it would be different. I’ve also thought of having a family in the future, but with him? I don’t know.

NerdLess 

[Read more…]

How Do You Know When It’s Time To Break Up?

February 15, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

My  boyfriend and I (a man) have been together for just over two years. I feel like we moved much too fast at the beginning of our relationship. We said the L word before even having been together for 2 weeks, and we moved in together after 6 months. I have also been having doubts in general about whether I wanna stay in this relationship. (I’m pretty sure I’ve already made up my mind, but I don’t know how to go about it.)

At the beginning of the year, we took some time away from each other, thinking that would help, and it did for a hot minute, but now we’re right back where we started. I think this relationship has reached its natural conclusion, to use a term learned from you. I think it might be useful to note that he loves me to the point where he’ll have me in any way he can get me, which I think is extremely unhealthy.

Recently, he’s started telling me not to masturbate. In his defense, I don’t get horny very often, which means we don’t have sex as often as he’d like. Now, I’m the kind of person that if you tell me not to do something, that’s only gonna make me wanna do it more. He doesn’t really tell me what to do in other aspects of life, but this is kinda the straw that broke the camel’s back for me.

The only thing that’s keeping me from pulling the trigger is myself. He’s become such a strong and constant presence in my life over the last two years and I’m terrified of starting over.

I’d love to hear your two cents.

Sincerely,
Caught Between a Rock and a Hard Place

[Read more…]

Should I Give My Ex Another Chance?

February 12, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

There’s something bugging me lately, and I can’t figure a way out or make a conscious decision about it. I’m from France, so apologies for any issues with my English.

To give some background, I’ll tell a few things. First, I must say that I’m bipolar, and thus always had abandonment issues in any kind of relationships, lovers or friends, I ever had. Always scared not to be enough, always scared to mess things up, always scared to be well, abandoned. But I took care of it, as I see a psychiatrist and a psychologist too. We’re making great strides and effort, and lately, I finally get a sense of what’s being self-confident and having an healthy self-esteem. Fact is, since my breakup with my ex gf 2 years ago, I was kinda feeling painful about relationships. Not having someone hurt me like hell everyday, I was assuming it was my fault and that I was such an undatable mess (you know, the usual Mr Brainy likes to tell you). I didn’t had any dates for 2 years, and that was dragging me down. At leaast it was, until I started to get my sh$t together, by advancing alone in new steps and projects in life, and finally feeling like I was enough, for myself. It is such a great thing to feel, and it is so relaxing not to be nagged by all those intrusive depreciating thoughts. So, here I am, feeling pretty good and having my own purposes. But the issue isn’t here.

Of course, I still feel the desire to be with someone, but I know that until the crisis is over and public places re-open, I can’t meet new people. I tried online dating, but it really isn’t my thing, as I’m more old-fashioned. So my very best option is to stay patient, until I can try and find someone new that I’d feel good with. I honestly have no issue with that, except I’m having trouble being patient, haha. The issue is that I’ve been thinking about my very toxic and abusive ex lately. She messaged me for Christmas, and I really well know why she did it. I know she tries to rekindle a bit, not necessarily in a romantic manner, but knowing her well, I presume she has intentions. Only thing is I don’t know how to feel about this.

During our relationship, she’s been extremely jealous. It went from reproaching me for go meeting up some female friends (with whom the relationship was undoubtedly platonic, from both sides), to making scenes when I said hello to a female friend (or any kind of women in fact) in the streets, to reacting madly when I had any form of social contact with another female human being. This, plus the fact she played games with me, making instagram stories in a bra, liking one of my best friend’s every post, and so on. As she was acting like this, I knew she was having some chats with a few boys on instagram, so-called friends from the music scene. It wasn’t disturbing me, as I didn’t want to give in to jealousy, and I felt that I could trust her, besides the fact she didn’t trusted me. I realized after our break-up how hypocritical it was from her, and I started having serious doubts about her fidelity and behaviour. But she could have cheated on me, I couldn’t care less today, as I’m above that and it’s on her, not on me.

Today grew away from this past, and I’m pretty proud of me for being able to feel so calm thinking about all this. However, as I said, I feel that my ancient feelings are rising again, that I want to give her a third (yes, third) chance today, and that maybe we can start something fresh and new (after all, and besides all the sh$t, I was pretty in love with her). But only in the case she comes forward and make her excuses and apologies, and in a sense, recognize how shitty her behaviour was. Fact is we never had THE talk, and I don’t want to be the first one to come forward and propose it.

So here I am, feeling on one side that I could give her another chance, but on the other that I want to know someone new and different, and in the end not knowing what to do. Because I fear that if I get back with her, things won’t happen like I expect and/or I’ll be attracted to someone different and hurt her, which I don’t want to do (I’m a bastard, but a kind one).

I leave this to your wisdom, knowing you’ll give me the good insight.

Sincerely,

Ups And Downs

[Read more…]

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About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

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Recent Comments

  • fuzzilla LW2: I get the financial aspect, I really do, but that can't be the only thing keeping you in a relationship, especially when you're not even in one but musing on what you'd want in one. I don't...

    How Do I Date When I’m This Ugly? ·  February 25, 2021

  • JustKate I also think about Gul Dukat from Deep Space Nine, who had gray skin and lizardy scales running up the side of his neck and around his face, and yet as portrayed by Marc Alaimo, he was ridiculously...

    How Do I Date When I’m This Ugly? ·  February 25, 2021

  • buddleia "you don’t face the same difficulties you might face if one of you lived in, say, the US or Canada." Lol this is me and my SO with a 3 hr time difference. We met in an online forum about a year...

    We Only Just Met. Can We Make a Long Distance Relationship Work? ·  February 25, 2021

  • Jimmy Two-Hammers LW2 - a couple of things; usually people can maybe rush into moving in together with their SO's because they think "Hey, we're getting along great, we love each other, we get along, why don't we just...

    How Do I Date When I’m This Ugly? ·  February 25, 2021

  • gentlemanjohnny I remember Doc has an article somewhere about celebrity role models. I think it was more fashion oriented but if you need a "looks don't matter" role model, there are plenty of them out there. Here's...

    How Do I Date When I’m This Ugly? ·  February 24, 2021

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