Ask Dr. NerdLove Archives - Paging Dr. NerdLove

Her Best Friend Is Starting to Become an Incel. What Can She Do?

January 20, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

I’m seeking some advise regarding a good friend of mine who I’m worried about. Some background detail: I’m a woman in my mid 20’s, married. My friend, “Tom”, is a man in his mid 20’s who has serious issues with women.

Tom and I grew up together. Now, Tom has never been the best at empathy. I remember when we were kids, he bullied other kids sometimes (never me). As a teen, Tom began to tease people and make sexist or politically charged jokes–and then struggle to understand when feelings got hurt (he still does this–he says he likes to “stir the pot”). Tom’s not a bad guy–he is genuine, honest, and trustworthy. But his weakness with empathy seems to stem from a lack of emotional intelligence.

Tom has wanted a wife for years. See, Tom and I come from a culture where it’s expected that you date to marry, abstain from sex until marriage, and marry young. Contrary to mainstream culture in the USA, in our culture, it is very common for people to date for 1-6 months and then rush to the altar. Tom is very immersed in this cultural narrative–he is desperate to find a woman to be his future wife, date her briefly, and marry her.

Tom has been in a frenzy of dating, desperate to find his future wife. Being able to find a wife is a big part of masculinity in our culture. Tom, who is fairly rigid in holding himself to masculine ideals, is definitely affected by this. However, as you know, desperation SHOWS, even when people try to hide it.

Tom goes on a date or two with a woman, becomes instantly and deeply emotionally invested in her, texts her constantly, feels that he may have finally found the One, the great and future Wife…. and then is really, really hurt when she either ghosts him, or tells him she sees him as a friend. I’ve tried to tell him he’s scaring them off, his male friends have tried to tell him the same… to no avail. And Tom has started to hate women.

Tom 100% blames the women who ghost him or don’t want to continue dating him. He believes they led him on; or they were too immature; or they were vicious jerks. Remember when I said Tom was bad at empathy? Yeah. He seems completely incapable of empathizing with the women he dates when they reject him. And this lack of empathy is spreading to Women In General. He makes comments about women being emotionally manipulative, and just out to hurt men. He sneers at the Me Too movement and insinuates that those women actually wanted the sex, and then lied about it to tear the men down. The sexist jokes he made as a teenager, just to get under people’s skin? As an adult, he seems to actually believe them. When I or his male friends call him out on it, he backtracks and says he was just joking. (Ironically, he does not include ME in this assessment of women, since I have “Just One Of The Guys” status).

Since Tom has been so unsuccessful in finding The Wife among women of our culture in the States (he does not date outside the culture), he has begun an online relationship with a woman from another country. This woman shares our cultural background, but she doesn’t speak English well. Tom, being raised in the States, doesn’t speak her language well. They make it work, but communication over text PLUS a language barrier? Poor woman doesn’t have a clue what she’s getting into. Tom’s planning on flying her to the States to live with his parents and marry him (his parents are OK with this, since their background is from her country).

I, my husband, and Tom’s other friends, see a disaster in the making. I think this woman is going to run home screaming when she meets Tom in person and feels The Cringe. I think Tom is going to blame her for it, and view her as another Manipulative Woman leading him on. Only this will be worse, because Tom’s more invested this time. And, honestly? I’m not sure where Tom got the ideas he has about women in the first place. Although our culture is in some ways very conservative, women are viewed highly as spiritual leaders and sexism is discouraged by male and female cultural leaders alike. So… I don’t know. Got any insights?

Sincerely,
Worried Friend.

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Was His Girlfriend Cheating On Him With Her Toxic Ex?

January 17, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

My girlfriend says she was emotionally abused by her ex boyfriend. He had anger and jealousy issues. He would isolate her and dictate the activities they would do together. He would even say hurtful things to her like that she’s not marriage material or that she’ll be alone forever. They dated for about two years and then she broke up with him. He tried desperately to get her back. He would write long elaborate love notes and even drive 4 hours to show up at her front door unannounced. This went on for about a year. She started to date other people and she slowly cut him out of her life.

About a year ago, she received a job offer at the same job that he works at. This would mean they would work in the same city and the same building. This was her dream job so she said yes. When she moved down here for the new job, they began communicating again. Deep feelings for him began to resurface. She discovered that he had a new girlfriend and it really hurt her. She cried for days when she found out. She was confused why she felt like this after the way he treated her in the past. She tried to get back into a relationship with him but he refused because of his new girlfriend. This hurt her even more.

She decided to just try to maintain a professional working relationship. She began dating again and a few months later, she started dating me. She told me the whole story of their relationship. As we began to become serious in our relationship, she decided it was a good idea to keep our relationship a secret so that he does not cause drama at work. I also work in the same building as them.

The next few months was a struggle. He would call her almost every day and she would pick up the phone every time. He would send long texts apologizing for the past and saying that he would like to get back together. She was very transparent with me about these conversations. She said it was important to maintain a professional relationship with him because they work together but it was clear that he wanted more than just a professional relationship. She said she was working on cutting him out of her life but she needed time and to do it her own way. I obliged and allowed the communication to continue between them. They would speak almost daily.

Our relationship continues to progress and by this point, we are serious about each other. We are saying “I love you”, meeting each other’s parents and even talking about the future. Yet, during this same period of time, I would catch her lurking on the new girlfriends social media page. If the ex would post a new photo with his girlfriend, she would see it and her mood would immediately be ruined. They would have phone conversations where they would argue and cry about the past for hours. She said what she was feeling has nothing to do with romantic feelings and everything to do with the aftermath of the emotional abuse she received. I was very confused by this but she confidently said that she was never in love with him. It still hurt when I would see her continue to have these conversations with her ex and see how bothered she was by his new girlfriend.

I did not like how she was handling the situation but I also tried to remain empathetic. I urged her not to text back or answer his calls but she simply could not. She knew that their communication made me uncomfortable. I was often frustrated and it would lead to arguments. When she couldn’t go no contact, I felt that she cared about his feelings more than mine. It seemed that she had this attachment to him. I began to feel like I was being emotionally cheated on. Yet, she always remained very adamant that she was in love with me and not him. She attributes her feelings and tears to the emotional abuse. She knows he wasn’t the one for her.

I told her that he it is unhealthy for them to be in contact and it would be best if she blocked him from everything. It took quite a bit of convincing but she eventually did. We’ve now been together for 6 months and she hasn’t been in contact with him for about three months.

We are still in love and she firmly maintains that she never felt the same love for him. I believe her but I wonder if there are feelings that she can’t fully understand because of the pain she went through?

I know that it can be very hard to detach from a manipulative ex and I admit that I don’t fully understand the effects of an emotionally abusive relationship. I write this because I want to understand how a past emotionally abusive relationship can affect a current loving relationship and how to navigate those difficulties.

I worry that her ex was like a drug, responsible for her highs and lows, and she was going through withdrawals while dating me. I worry that she has been so conditioned by the emotional abuse that she has come to expect it. I want to be assured that I was not emotionally cheated on. I think that is my biggest fear.

Is it possible that she simply did not have enough time to heal from him? I feel like I had to push her to make the decision to block his number. If she was truly over him and healed, wouldn’t she have willingly blocked him for the betterment of our relationship? I recently asked her to unblock him because I felt that blocking him was just an easy way of not having to confront the problem. I never seen her not text back or not pick up his calls and that is still the one thing that makes me believe she was not over him. Unblocking him was my way of testing her to see how she would react if he does reach out again. Was this a bad idea to unblock him? It seemed to be working but I always wonder how far the communication would have gotten if I didn’t push her to block him.

I feel stuck and don’t want to question her anymore. I don’t want to smother her in pursuit of this clarity and understanding that I crave. Please help me understand all of this.

Stuck In 3rd

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Help, My Girlfriend Dumped Me Because The Sex Was Awful.

January 13, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Dr. NerdLove,

I don’t know if you’ve touched on this specific question before and I’m super embarrassed to even ask anyone about it but I’m at the end of my rope and I hope I can at least get pointed in a direction. Sorry if this message gets a little raunchy, I’m going to try my best to keep it as clean as I can given the subject.

A little backstory, I’m a cis male and had a very active sex life in college as most people do and it was good, great even. When I graduated I slowed down considerably, but it was never a huge issue. Well, a few years ago for a plethora of reasons I went through a very DEEP depression, I had a shit job, I had no real relationship, I gained A LOT of weight, it was tough. Working on myself I can say I’m doing better today but still dealing with it. Lost a little weight, though I’m still much bigger than I used to be, got a much better job, and even ended up dating someone who I’ve known for a while, let’s call her T.

T and I got along well enough as friends before dating, we had similar interest both pretty nerdy, it was good. Then came the worst night of my life…

We were getting pretty hot and heavy, but I felt a little off, I was so excited and enjoying myself… but my body was not responding. I thought maybe it was just nerves and I’d shake it off once we hit my bedroom. NOPE! When I was pleasuring her I couldn’t get completely hard and when she worked on me I went completely soft. I was mortified, it’s never happened before and I didn’t know what to do. She tried to reassure me and said it was something we can work on. We tried and were able to have sex but a few times I still couldn’t get hard and the few times I could it was maybe a half-y, hard to maintain, and super quick. I’m definitely not saying I was God’s gift to women but it was at least good for both of us back in my prime. I’ve never been impotent or a minute-man and now I’m somehow both…

She dumped me a few weeks later saying that the sex was bad and I wasn’t attractive to her and I honestly don’t even blame her. I spiraled back down into depression.

I don’t know what to do, I’m 28 and terrified that this is just how it’ll be from now on. I feel I’m too young to have to rely on a little blue pill or only last 2 minutes before I pop. Google doesn’t help, you see all these fake solutions and pills and it’s all so confusing. I have no confidence anymore, I’m trying my hardest to talk to someone right now and in the back of my head I’m terrified that if we get that far my body will fail on me again. What can I do? Who can I talk to that will actually help? Or am I just doomed to have a bad sex life, if I have any at all… I could really use some guidance. Any help at all would be much appreciated.

From No Mojo and All Depression

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I Think My Friend Is Being Abused and I Don’t Know What To Do

January 10, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

When my wife and I divorced a year ago, I very quickly began a long distance relationship with an old flame. We saw each other a few times, sexted, and stayed in touch, although there were plenty of fights that probably wouldn’t have happened if we were in the same city. You know, a long distance relationship.

This past summer, she revealed that her alcoholic husband had been getting drunk and physically abusing her, pretty regularly, but she always played it down and changed the subject (although she’s the one who brought it up). I’ve tried to respect her wishes and not talk about it, and then she’d talk about it and do everything she could to convince me that he’s not a bad guy.

This came to a head the other day, when she announced that her husband had asked her to move out. While discussing that, she texted that he was punching her in the ribs and wouldn’t stop, and she sent me a video where the camera was pointed at the floor, his voice was drunkenly belittling her, and she was screaming for him to stop. So I called the police in her city and explained the situation. The police called me back, said she was uncooperative (she wouldn’t even confirm her name with them), intoxicated, and completely unmarked. She chewed me out over text for doing that and making things worse, but the next day, she told me that her husband was so drunk that he doesn’t even remember hitting her.

I have rebuilt my life after a devastating divorce. I have a handful of friends, a new job, a great apartment, and exciting prospects creatively. I am battling bipolar 2, which means epic depressive episodes if I’m not careful. I don’t want to abandon Flame, but I can’t rescue her. I don’t even know what she’s hoping to accomplish by telling me and sending me these videos. I just know that she is in this situation, and even though he’s beating her and throwing her out of her home, she’s still on his side. I don’t want that in my life. She’s bad for my health. But again, I don’t want to abandon her.

And in case it needs a little more flair, this whole abuse thing might be fake. She has, in the past, demonstrated that she’s willing to exaggerate something and lie to make a point. The video she sent made me suspicious for various reasons. I haven’t seen any evidence that supports her abuse, I’m just taking it on face value. I won’t assume she is faking it, and I will never accuse her of that, but it is still a possibility that sits in my head as I ponder all of this.

I don’t know what to do. She needs help. I can’t give it to her. I don’t want her in my life anymore, but I can’t leave her alone like this. Your input would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,
I’m So Very, Very Tired

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My Anxiety Ruined Our Relationship. How Do I Get My Girlfriend Back?

January 6, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Dr. NerdLove,

Long time reader and love your content.

Background of how I met a girl (J, 25) about 6 months ago in class. She is a 10/10. I looked her up on Instagram and saw she had 5,000 followers and posts very spicy pictures, I was a big fan. We started hanging out and getting drinks over the course of a few months and got a long really well. This last summer we were hanging out again and when I dropped her off at her car she kissed me out of nowhere. My dumb ass thought she was just being friendly and never asked about it. A month or so later and I start to wonder so I finally asked her why she did that. Her response was she’s obviously attracted to me and has been trying not to do it again since we are taking another class together. I was stoked. We tried to not hook up so we could focus on the class but that didn’t last.

We started dating these last 2 months and it’s been awesome. We’re both on the same page as far as what we want in dating, to have fun with no drama or questions about where things were at. We both understood that we’re graduating this year and going onto our respective masters programs that will likely be elsewhere in the country. So the relationship wasn’t serious as it had no real future.

We got back from the coast 2 weeks ago after spending a couple days there. She left to go see her family in another city and I was ready for some alone time just to enjoy being lazy for Christmas break. Well we ended up having our internet shut off cause our roommate randomly moved out and it was in his name. So no video games for me. All my friends were out of town, so I had no one to hang out with. I went on hikes by myself and worked out but you can only do that for so long. So I got really bored over those few days. During the course of this I started texting her more and sort of relying on her to entertain me. Mind you I wasn’t texting excessively, it was 1 to 2 texts a day, but I planned on not texting much during this time to let the anticipation of seeing each other build back up.

I noticed that she was taking longer (up to 24 hours) to respond than she normally did and this started to make me think things weren’t going well. That’s been my experience in the past and I became really anxious. I began to think this was a hallmark sign that things were going to end soon. I ruminated on it for a few days and eventually convinced myself that my negative thoughts were true and that I needed to act.

The day I knew she was coming back, I sent her a text that morning asking if she wanted to go on a date in a few days. I heard no response. I called her that night before she was going to work and had no answer. This confirmed it to me that she was ignoring me and I was clear to ask what was going on. However, instead of just sending a simple text saying, “Hey, you seem kinda distant lately. Is everything cool?” I sent this ungodly long text about how I noticed she was becoming distant and in my experience this meant things were going to end soon but since we had been friends I wanted to continue to be friends. I said I understood that things weren’t serious and we were moving away this summer and so on.

Her response completely killed me. Her text was long as well, but basically, J said this was the kind of talk she didn’t want to have and she had been creating a little distance but thought I was awesome and had no intention of not dating. She liked that we didn’t ask questions or need clarity on where we were at. She explained that it took her longer to get back into town than normal and had been busy with family. I felt extremely stupid and embarrassed for how anxious I felt in the days leading up to my text. I was totally wrong. I apologized and tried to explain why I did it, that it was born out of anxiety and bad previous experiences but has never resulted in me sending a text like I did. She wasn’t too receptive and was pretty focused on how I questioned what we had. We talked on the phone the next day and I explained everything again in much better detail and had her considering a second shot, saying she was 50/50. But J also said she gets weird after she’s had arguments with past boyfriends, but didn’t really elaborate on it. She thought about it and texted me later that day saying she didn’t think it was going to work. J told me that it wasn’t so much what I did, but more her, and we should just be friends. My only response was “ok.”

I feel like such an idiot for what I did. I’ve always had anxiety (it’s human nature), but it’s never gotten to the point where it ruined something that was really good. I totally let it consume me and dictate my behavior. With it being the holidays and no one in town, no internet, and nothing to do, I couldn’t use my normal distractions to help quell the anxiety. I understand that this is something I really need to work on otherwise it will ruin things for me in the future. But I also want to try and make things better with J and hopefully date her again. I’m not going to talk to her for awhile to give her time as well as myself so I can get a better handle on my anxiety. But I do intend to hit her up in the future and see if I can get things going. I do want to be her friend and I’m not going to launch into trying to win her over again, but I think it’s worth it to try. So this is where I need your sweet PhD level of love knowledge for guidance. What is the best way to approach this? And how do you deal with anxiety in a new dating relationship?

The Anxious Dunce

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